Need Relationship Advice

hi everyone...sorry if the title sounds generic...i couldn't really think of a better one.

anyway, my boyfriend and i have been together for 5.5 years. we have a great relationship, get a long well, have similar interests and are just very comfortable being ourselves around each other. we've had some rocky times and even separated for a few months 3 years ago, but somehow got back together. everytime we get into something big, we always commit to work on our relationship and make things work. so i'm currently 27, almost 28 and he's 35. i know that i want to get married and have kids, hopefully in the next 2-3 years...he tells me he's not ready for that kind of commitment and doesn't know when he will ever be. he thinks he'll want to get married and have kids one day, but right now it just seems like such a big responsibility. he doesnt' want to lose the freedom of being able to go on trips with his friends or whatever...but the thing is, all of his friends are married with kids, so it's not even like he has single friends he always wants to hang out with.

So my question is...if i dont' see a clear future between us, is it time to call it quits and move on? it's hard to give up a 5 year relationship because we both always thought that we would end up together...but right now it does not seem that way. and he's starting to sense that he can't give me what i want.

what i also want to know is....why do you think he can't commit? is it because he is too comfortable and doesn't want to make changes or just that I'm not the one...but if i'm not the one, then why does he always try to make our relationship work? i just don't get it...i dont' get men. i just feel so lost...

sorry for the long post...just had to get that off my chest.

I would sit down with him and talk seriously about it. If he still refuses to commit then I would just move on. To me, their is no point in putting so much energy and time into something that the other person wants.

I'd say it's time to move on. I don't have the faintest idea why he's not committing more than he already has, though. You need to do what's best for you and if he won't marry you, then why stay with him? Your leaving may even be the wake-up call he needs because he may just be overly comfortable with the status quo. My BF and I have been together almost 6 years now and I told him a few months ago that 6 years without a proposal was my limit. We've discussed marriage and children and I have gotten the feeling several times that he does want to marry me, otherwise I wouldn't be dating another day. I know giving up a long-term relationship is hard, but would you rather spend several more years with him, waiting for him to change his mind, and still end up not married to him?

If I can ask, are you living with him?

No, we are currently not living together. We probably see each other maybe 3 days a week...and go on trips together a few times a year.

kinda sounds like you guys are in 2 different points in your life.

let it ride its course everything happens for a reason. youre heart will just know what to do. follow that not your brain. lol.

yeah, i love the "everything happens for a reason" thing. We decided to take the next few days to think things over. i have a feeling he might want to end the relationship. he keeps saying that he can't give me what i want and that i'll never be happy if things continue without any changes....i guess if that's the route, then that's the way to go :scared:

I agree with Holly - It is important to follow your heart, but do not abandon your good common sense either.

hope things work out for you

thank you, ladies. i really appreciate the support...i just want to make sure i make the right decision and dont' end up regretting it.

He's 35, can't commit, doesn't want to lose his freedom. Doesn't sound good to me. I would cut my losses. You can't put your life and desires on hold while he figures out when he'll be ready to commit. Woman have the disadvantage of that whole biological clock thing going on, (even though you are on the young side). It's still something that you need to think about. I'm not saying your priority should be finding a guy to help you pump out babies, but there has to be a great man out there for you that is also ready for a solid relationship and a family. If after 5 years together you only see each other only 3 times/week, it just doesn't sound like he wants anymore together time. You deserve to find a man who is deeply passionate about you and mutual wants.

Okay, call me nutso for this... Here's my opinion...

1) It could be he sees what his friends' go through in marriage with kids, and doesn't think he's ready for it yet based on that. Alas, my husband wasn't either, but now he's just perfectly peachy-keen and a perfect father!

2) If you really want kids and marriage, but you want to stay with him, then maybe you need to come to a compromise on it. Talk about everything, and see where you both stand. Take time to see where things are, and where they might go. Maybe re-evaluate in a year or so, and then see where you're both sitting.

3) Is it at all possible, even remotely (and I feel horrible if I add doubt here), that he's seeing someone else? I mean, to be so devoted to one another, yet only see each other 3 days a week, sounds kinda odd to me. Unless you're sleeping over at each other's houses.

Good advice ladies, couldn't have said it any better myself!

Aquilah - thank you for the advice...i will definitely talk to him about this...i mean, we're supposed to take a few days off to think about everything. how did your husband eventually become "ready".

as for seeing someone else, i honestly dont think he is. i know it's odd that we only hang out 3 days a week but we both work a lot, so usually on the weekdays, we don't see each other much...but we stay over at each other's houses during the weekend...and we spend almost every weekend and free time together. BUT, with that said...i wonder if he doesn't want to commit because he thinks there's someone better out there. he tells me i'm perfect and that he loves me...but why doesn't he want to be with me... /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />

Wondering that myself, 5 yrs is a long time for a guy just afraid to settle down.

*Okay nevermind lol*

Maybe he really is just scared, men can be kinda funny about that. Getting married would be like a final act, making it sound permanent so maybe thats whats scaring him.

I've been there before, done that. Turns out I wasted 4 years of my life on someone who was comfortable in what was there at the time. We had "the talk", he didn't want to commit, I moved on. Disappointed, but I moved on, this child came back a month later wanting commitment, I laughed at him. I'm sorry you're going through this, trust your instincts they never lie. Your heart will at times mislead you, trust your instinct.

so i'm guessing you didn't take him back? i wonder if mine would do the same if i moved on. but honestly, if i make the decision to move on, i wouldn't expect (or hope) that he would come back...if it's over, it's over.

That was my decision when I decided to move on, if it's over, it's over. I did not take him back, in fact things got ugly on his part. I guess he couldn't handle rejection vey well. Had to get proper authorities (police) involved. I had my phone number change and I moved from that city because he would not leave me alone. I could tell you stories about this one. Whew!!!

I agree with Angl_Baby -- trust your instincts. This is the time to really think about the situation, not just follow your heart. If you just follow your heart you could end up staying in this situation for a lot longer than you're otherwise comfortable with because your heart isn't ready to let go of him yet. But if he can't give you the commitment you want, and if it's that important to you, then yes, it's time to move on. There's nothing wrong with you! Don't start thinking that way (I know I've been down that road). This is a guy who isn't ready to commit, it sounds like, and that's all about HIM, not you. Talk to him, let him know how you're feeling and how long you are/aren't willing to wait for him to make up his mind. The bottom line, to me, is that after 5 years, let alone 5 1/2, the guy should know whether or not he wants to marry you. If he doesn't want to get married, he shouldn't be in a long-term relationship unless he's with a woman who also doesn't want to marry. You need to decide how you want him to treat you, let him know, and if he lives up to it, great, if not, it's time to think about moving on.

i know...you are so right. i keep telling myself that this is what i need to do, that i need to look out for myself and make myself happy. the strange thing is, we always talked about marriage and our future together...our honeymoon, kids, etc. i knew he wasn't ready but he wasn't afraid to talk about it. i guess because of that, i always thought marriage and kids would be in our future. but as we got closer to closer to it actually being a reality, he started freaking out and telling me he didn't know when he actually would want to take the plunge. i just don't get it...

Yikes- Honey, let me give you a big hug before I say this. {{{HUG}}}. he's not going to commit. Sounds like a guy who wants his cake, yet eat it too. Married men can still go on trips with their friends! That one, sounded very lame to me. IMHO. If you continue to talk about it, he will do one of 2 things. 1- Walk away because he feels overtly pressured -OR- 2) Give in. He starts to resent you, that builds up, resulting in many fights, blaming and eventually dissolution. You somewhat answered your own question when you said you dont see a clear future. You guys are definately not on the same page. Besides, at 35, he should have SOME clue on what he wants. Apparently not. Time to cut him loose and find someon that shares your dreams..