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Does the Marriage Institution Still Exist?


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40 replies to this topic

#Post 1 of 41 OFFLINE   Make-up_Hawk

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 02:04 PM

I talked to my mom on the phone and she asked me what date next month was my wedding anniversary. Then she said, "What is that, five years?" I said, "Nope. Six. That's a record nowadays!" She then said, "You're right. People don't take marriage seriously these days."

I'm 35 years old and sometimes my younger colleagues (under 25) ask me for relationship advice. The number one question is: Should I leave him? And I always tell them, "His sh*t or somebody else's sh*t. Either way, you've got sh*t to deal with."

I'm keeping my husband; I'm a lifer. I don't think the grass is greener on the other side. And there is no such thing as perfection. What do you think about the instituation of marriage?

#Post 2 of 41 OFFLINE   Darla

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 02:18 PM

I basically agree with you.

let me qualify this before i get flamed.
i feel some people don't take marriage as serious as they should when you get in. and i think the feeling is they may not take it as serious when they hit rough spots. Make sure this is what you want to do.

Its not a matter of if, but when you are going to hit rough spots. whether it is over money, children, in-laws, friends, etc. Things will happen and if you have to deal. To automatically want to bail is not the best strategy because divorce is always messy.

As for marriage itself I personally think there are real benefits to a kid growing up to have a loving father and mother. There are plenty of exceptions to that like when it is not a loving situation and i am not saying a kid growing up in a single parent home will not grow up to be healthy and stable.

#Post 3 of 41 OFFLINE   efuhk

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 03:06 PM

I am 24 and i have been married a year and it is hard work i tell you. I used to think like, why would marriage be hard? Any relationship is hard because in order to keep it how you want, you have to work on it and want to work on it. It has to stay fresh. Marriage is definitely something hard to come by, i am surprised that i am married at such a young age. Especially being a black woman. It is becoming almost tabu to be married.

#Post 4 of 41 OFFLINE   Dragonfly

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 03:10 PM

Originally Posted by Make-up_Hawk View Post
I'm 35 years old and sometimes my younger colleagues (under 25) ask me for relationship advice. The number one question is: Should I leave him? And I always tell them, "His sh*t or somebody else's sh*t. Either way, you've got sh*t to deal with."
If someone is married and their partner is abusing them - physicaly, mentally, sexually, through substance abuse, through affair(s), I would encourage them to think long and hard about remaining in the marriage. But I would not tell them what to do.

And why would anyone assume that if that individual left a horrible situation, that they would get involved with someone else - and their crap?
There are many people that leave an unhappy marriage, remain unattached, and have a very happy, content single life.

And who am I to judge another's marriage anyways?

#Post 5 of 41 OFFLINE   Merecat

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 03:17 PM

Marriage is a huge series of compromises. People just dont seem to get that. Getting a divorce these days is just like breaking up. People get married that have serious issues and just think to themselves "they'll change" or "If it doesnt work out, I'll just get a divorce". I agree with the statement that not many people take the entire thing nearly as seriously as they should.

#Post 6 of 41 OFFLINE   Make-up_Hawk

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 03:31 PM

Originally Posted by Carolyn View Post
If someone is married and their partner is abusing them - physicaly, mentally, sexually, through substance abuse, through affair(s), I would encourage them to think long and hard about remaining in the marriage. But I would not tell them what to do.

And why would anyone assume that if that individual left a horrible situation, that they would get involved with someone else - and their crap?
There are many people that leave an unhappy marriage, remain unattached, and have a very happy, content single life.

And who am I to judge another's marriage anyways?
Being abused in a marriage is something different. I didn't think I had to make that disclaimer because I thought that was understood.

So I guess I'll make it: Abuse in a marriage is NOT what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the "casual" marriage. It seems to be a trend.

I have a friend who's 35 and she's been unlucky with love in the 15 years that I've known her. For example, she left guys for minor infractions and ended up having a baby with a complete idiot. They're not together anymore and she's raising her kid alone. He threatened her life once. He's a cop.

Originally Posted by efuhk View Post
I am 24 and i have been married a year and it is hard work i tell you. I used to think like, why would marriage be hard? Any relationship is hard because in order to keep it how you want, you have to work on it and want to work on it. It has to stay fresh. Marriage is definitely something hard to come by, i am surprised that i am married at such a young age. Especially being a black woman. It is becoming almost tabu to be married.
My first year of marriage was the hardest, basically getting used to someone else always being around and having to change my lifestyle. Even though I had lived with a guy before, for two years, marriage is different. I've never shared EVERYTHING with another person: bank accounts, health insurance, credit cards, everything. Our lives are wrapped up.

I'm used to marriage now and we've settled into our roles as partners.

It is a sacrifice and full of compromises. My husband and I moved into a new place this past January and we had to make a compromise on what color to paint the walls. We'll be buying a house soon and that will be our first major purchase together (well, we did buy a car).

#Post 7 of 41 OFFLINE   Karren

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 04:05 PM

Married for going on 3 decades and it is a co-operative effort!! Not something you take lightly.. Imho. And its hard work and not allways fun!! But for me its til "death do you part".
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#Post 8 of 41 OFFLINE   Make-up_Hawk

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 04:26 PM

Originally Posted by Karren_Hutton View Post
Married for going on 3 decades and it is a co-operative effort!! Not something you take lightly.. Imho. And its hard work and not allways fun!! But for me its til "death do you part".
Wow! Thats a long time.

I was just thinking. During the nearly six years I've been married, I've pretty much watched my husband age and grow. For example, his hairline has shrunk back two inches and I've developed wrinkles.

I've also grown more conservative. He's gotten more "free," like I used to be. So basically, I've turned into him and he's turned into me (my old self).

But, Daggonit! He doesn't have any wrinkles!

#Post 9 of 41 OFFLINE   Karren

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 04:36 PM

Maybe he's using the right facial lotion and your not!! Lol.

I am winning the old age battle!! Ask him what's his secret for me please!!
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#Post 10 of 41 OFFLINE   SimplyElegant

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 04:42 PM

I don't think necessarily that it's people not taking marriage as seriously as before. I think part of the reason is that women have more power in a relationship than in times past and so it's not as odd for a woman to request a divorce as it used to be. With all of the new technology too it's easier for people to cheat and for some people it's more tempting so for people who are unhappy with their marriages it might be too tempting and that is definitely reason to break a marriage up. Religion is a big part too. Less secular so less people are being as conservative with their beliefs making it seem more okay to be a common law couple. So many other reasons too, but when it comes down to it, I don't really think that people just aren't taking marriage as seriously.

#Post 11 of 41 OFFLINE   Make-up_Hawk

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 05:29 PM

Originally Posted by SimplyElegant View Post
I don't think necessarily that it's people not taking marriage as seriously as before. I think part of the reason is that women have more power in a relationship than in times past and so it's not as odd for a woman to request a divorce as it used to be. With all of the new technology too it's easier for people to cheat and for some people it's more tempting so for people who are unhappy with their marriages it might be too tempting and that is definitely reason to break a marriage up. Religion is a big part too. Less secular so less people are being as conservative with their beliefs making it seem more okay to be a common law couple. So many other reasons too, but when it comes down to it, I don't really think that people just aren't taking marriage as seriously.
It's interesting that you mention religion. I'm an atheist (have been for over 10 yrs). And I won't go so far as to say that I beleive in marriage, but I believe in my marriage. I don't think marriage is right for everyone. For example, when my brother got married I was shocked! He was always the type to have three girlfriends at once. And they all knew it.

Nonetheless, he's happily married (as far as I know, but he would have told me). And his wife must be a special kind of person to deal with him cause he is a handful. He's 37 yrs old now.

#Post 12 of 41 OFFLINE   Darla

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 06:05 PM

Originally Posted by Make-up_Hawk View Post
For example, when my brother got married I was shocked! He was always the type to have three girlfriends at once.
i would definitely think if that's what he wants to do then getting married is not a good idea. But you say he got married so i assume he made the decision that he wants to be married and faithful -or- what's the point? That was my original point about being serious about it.

I'm not sure i agree with the point about technology about being easier to cheat. I was going to say the opposite. I mean with cell phones and the like you can always be tracked down not like before. There are even cell phones with GPS so you find out where the other person on the other end is.

I personally think it comes down to good communication and identifying issues that are going to cause problems. I haven't been married as long as Karren, just 25 years.

#Post 13 of 41 OFFLINE   Make-up_Hawk

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 06:47 PM

As far as the communication issue, my mother has always told me (years before I ever got married) to choose my battles. I don't sweat it if my husband leaves his socks on the floor. I just quietly pick them up. In fact, I've never told him that it bothered me. It just wasn't that serious.

#Post 14 of 41 OFFLINE   KatJ

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 07:00 PM

I completely agree that people dont take marriage as seriously as previous generations. A lot of people are getting married for the wrong reasons, and there are others who can't stand the heat (and get out of the kitchen). I've been married 2 years, and that second year was horrible. We were both out of a job for a couple of months and we didnt know how to correctly handle our stress. He then joined the Army, and the 3 months speant apart made us really appreciate each other. I think that is what a lot of couples need to do these days. Instead of heading straight for a divorce when you're having problems, try spending a little time apart.

#Post 15 of 41 OFFLINE   Darla

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 07:26 PM

i was just reading some of the responses and i think it was a good thread a lot of good points. I'm wondering going back to the original point that started this. Could a couple just live together and have kids and never get married? I'm thinking they could, but that being married implies a higher level of commitment,

#Post 16 of 41 OFFLINE   Make-up_Hawk

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 07:55 PM

Originally Posted by Darla_G View Post
i was just reading some of the responses and i think it was a good thread a lot of good points. I'm wondering going back to the original point that started this. Could a couple just live together and have kids and never get married? I'm thinking they could, but that being married implies a higher level of commitment,

A few months into my marriage, my husband came home and said that his boss asked him if he'd like to move to another state and work within the same company at a different branch. So basically, he was asking me to leave my hometown and my family.

After thinking it over, I said yes. But. I would not have moved to another state with him unless we had a legal committment. I just wouldn't have done it. This is not to say how everyone should behave; I'm just saying that's what it took for me. Besides that, I didn't want him secretly resenting me for "holding back his dreams." I made the sacrifice.

On another note, I just heard on TV that Star Jones is getting a divorce (after two years!) Say it ain't so?

#Post 17 of 41 OFFLINE   magosienne

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 07:58 PM

mom always told me marriage is a give and take situation. you both have to take each other for who you are the way you are, and make it work.

that's what people nowadays forget. it's like, the way i feel it, marriage has to work on its own. and if it doesn't well, maybe it's because it was fated to fail. and we divorce.

in a twisted way, they still take marriage seriously, but too much or not enough.

i think it's possible to have kids and not being married. in fact, many couples live together for years that way. it's a good way of making sure the relationship works. it's only after a while you think "hey, let's get married" because after all, you already are in the daily life.

#Post 18 of 41 OFFLINE   S. Lisa Smith

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 08:23 PM

I've been married 33 in October. Marriage is compromise, work and very rewarding. We've had our share of problems, most of them external to our marriage. We work together to make it successful.

#Post 19 of 41 OFFLINE   Darla

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 08:37 PM

Lisa this is something i wondered about and maybe this is not your area of expertise within the law, but does marriage provide additional legal standing that a couple just living together might not have? I was just curious with all the common-law marriage provisions now.

#Post 20 of 41 OFFLINE   S. Lisa Smith

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Posted 25 April 2008 - 09:05 PM

Originally Posted by Darla_G View Post
Lisa this is something i wondered about and maybe this is not your area of expertise within the law Actually my law partner does all the domestic relations work, but does marriage provide additional legal standing that a couple just living together might not have? Here in Virginia, the common law marriage was abolished in 1936. I believe, but don't know for sure, that many states have albolished it. I was just curious with all the common-law marriage provisions now.
Sorry I can't help.