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I love my bf. I really do. And I can't imagine my life without him anymore. He's the one I'm spending the rest of my life with. There's no doubt.
But here's the thing. Everytime I think about my ex, the one just before my bf, I feel like crying. It feel like someone is squeezing my heart and letting it go.
We were friends for a couple of years before we hooked up. In a way, it was a rebound relationship for both of us because we had just gotten out of long term relationships. I was in heaven when we finally did get together. I knew a lot of girls had a crush on him and he had picked me.
It didn't last long. About 8 months. I knew even before we broke up that he didn't love me. I could tell. And he confirmed it when I confronted him. He said he didn't love me the way a man was supposed to love a woman. I told him I did. I said I loved him. Although, thinking about it now, I don't know if I ever really loved him. I know I was infatuated but... was that love?
I still see him time to time because we work in a same building. Not very often, but still... I run into him. I don't know how to act around him anymore. My heart flutters and I ramble. And when I see him walk away, or when I walk away from him, I feel so emotional...
And then I see my bf afterward and I feel bad because I had felt certain way toward another man just hours before.
He was the only man to ever break my heart. And because of our break up, I lost some of our mutual friends which I regret. And I also put some of my friends in an awkward situation. Which I also regret. And I wonder if there was anything I could've done that might have changed his feelings for me. But then I think... I was never myself during our 8 month relationship. I tried so hard to be the kind of person I thought he wanted that I was never... comfortable. So I know it was a wrong relationship for me. I also sometimes regret confronting him, which ultimately lead to our break up. But then again, if it hadn't been then, it would've been later... which would've made things more difficult for me, I think.
And plus... if we hadn't, I wouldn't have met my current bf who loves me more than I could've ever hoped for and lets me be myself (even if I don't like it).
So I'm waiting for this feeling to completely go away (and it is going away) so I can be totally free from my past. My bf and I have discussed marriage and even though we're not engaged, we have said that we'll probably get married sometime next year. Is it not appropriate for me to think about that when a little bit of my heart is still hung up on my past...? I dunno. All I know is that I love my bf and I want to be with him without ever feeling bad or guilty. And I hope he never finds out.
PS. Funny enough, as I'm writing this, I just realized that it's been exactly 2 years since my break up with my ex.
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