I have horrible insomnia. I never sleep anymore. It wouldnt be so bad if I wasn't so busy. Trying to finish the house is taking it's toll on me. My job is stressful and things just arent going well.

I'm worried about my daughter. She has panic attacks. She has had them since she was 16. She has been in therapy and on meds before. I thought they were finally under control but the last few weeks since she started school again, she is having them everyday. She calls me from an hour away. I can't get to her and she won't listen to me when she does. I had them myself......severe ones in my 20's. I know how hard they are to deal with. I know they come out of no where. I also know how to manage my breathing which is how I finally came to grips with them and haven't had one in 15 years or so.

She called me today and was hysterical. I was out with patients so I went to my car and tried to calm her down but it's difficult when I am with a dying person in their home to walk out but I can't ignore her calls either. The more I tried to calm her down the more she started yelling at me that she couldn't. The patients wife was staring out the window, Courtney was screaming and my work phone was ringing. I just lost it. Gave in and started crying myself right there. Actual sobbing. I felt helpless. Then my daughter got upset for upsetting me when she had called me for help. It made me feel like a rotten mother. I had to hang up. I could tell the wife was getting pissed and I can't afford to have someone complaining about me. I need my job. I didn't know what to do. I was so upset and even when I went back in, it was obvious that I had ben crying. So unprofessional and I was still shook up.

I finally had my grandmother call my daughter to try and get her through the episode but I just didn't handle any of it well.

The exhaustion is making me foggy too so I probably would have been ok had I had a decent nights sleep.

Anyway just needed to vent. I don't really expect an answer. Sometimes it helps to type it out, ya know??

KellyB

My house is kicking my natural butt. My mom and I painted my back porch today. it looks so good. We are doing the front tomorrow and then I'm painting the concrete floor on the front porch. It's already gray but it's ugly.

I picked a brick red to go against my pale yellow house and I bought some red mulch to go in the front flower bed. I thought it would "pop"....I hate that word by the way. It looks like a pain. Gotta etch it, prime it, paint it and seal it. arrghh!

I'm putting beadboard on the ceiling on the back porch. Right now it has that popcorn crap which i just hate. I looked into other things but I had to pick something inexpensive that would still look decent unless yall have other ideas.

I still have to:
*shampoo the carpet
*touch up paint all over the house
* paint the back of the house that is still blue cuz my lazy ass ex-husband painted three sides yellow then stopped. At least my house is small
*finish cleaning the grout on all of my tile in the kitchen and foyer
*paint the closet doors.
*clean the vent covers
*repair a place in my gutter
*get the small limbs off the roof
*recaulk my guest bathroom tub and around the toilet.
*clean the skylight

probably more.........and I have to work, of course and spend time at MUT and see my family and boyfriend and best friend.

OK boring blog, I know. The story of my life right now.

KellyB

But I guess i'm gonna learn. This weekend I will start fixing my house to get ready to sell. I do have a friend of my daughters coming Saturday to make my yard pretty. That's not gonna be cheap since I never have time and it looks like shit. It's always cut but all the hedges and flower beds are very sad looking. He is also going to retile my guest bathroom.

I don't have anything major to do. Just tons of small things which are all time consuming. I'm off Sat, sun, mon, and tues. Then taking 2 more long weekends this month so I can list it by the end of january. Moving sucks but selling is worse. I'm selling as is also. All the bones are good. Just a few cosmetics and some windows that won't stay open but I'm going to be giving them a deal so I dont wanna hear it.

Then the torture starts.....having to keep the damn thing spotless since you never know when people will show up. I'm a neat person but would never pass a white glove test. At least living alone, it's only my mess. That makes it a little easier.

I just can't wait to get out of here. I'm tired of making a good living and never having any thing. My spending has cut back to a minimum. My computer was a big expenditure but needed and when I sell the house, I will pay that off. other than foundation, I've bought no makeup. I've bought 1 pair of jeans in the last few months and my Biolage shampoo which I'm not willing to skimp on. I bought very few presents for Christmas which made me sad too. Oh well. that's over now.

My next home will be a condo or townhome. No more yards to worry about for me. Those days are over. Wish me luck.

KellyB

KellyB

KellyB