So its really hard for me to cope with what I'm about to write, just because I haven't really had the guts to tell anyone and I mean not even my family. I've been trying to realize it, accept it, and come to the conclusion that this is how its going to be.

Its probably silly for others to read this and say omg why is she seriously taking it overboard, but what I had before for it to totally be gone, I just can't accept it.

I had the best girlfriends in highschool, honestly. Until one of them back stabbed me, we've never all became friends again. In college I had like 5 best friends, one from highschool, and then a year later I lost them too. I finally gained them back last year only to lose them again when the new year came.

I have a boyfriend whom I adore and love, but since then I haven't hung out with anyone. I'm starting to feel lonely without friends to talk too besides the ones I meet at school. There not like people I can intimately talk about life with and its hard for me to open up to people now. I've come to the realization that friends aren't for me maybe. Although its really hard for me to say it, I really wish I had even one friend to call all the time about my problems, or even talk in general and go shopping with.

I spend my weekends at home studying and my weekdays at school. When summer comes, I dont know what to do without my school books. I adore my bf but I just cant do girl things with him, and even he doesnt understand my need for attention.

I haven't told my parents that I'm friendless altho I'm pretty sure they get the hint because I'm always home in my room. My bf knows how depressed I am about it, he tries to introduce me to his friends gfs. But its not the same. I've become so attached to what my old friends had to offer me, that I compare everyone else that jumps to the chance. =[ I'm just really in need of a social life I guess. I hate to admit it, but its totally true.

LittleMissLilo

Its so weird, two months ago I was devastated to lose the best girls I had in my life. It was such an emotional ordeal for me and I felt so confused as to what I did and if I was really a good friend or not. As the days went on, I realized it wasn't me at all. I did everything a friend does. I was there for them, cried with them, drove them when they needed it, did favors for them, crashed at their house when no one was there for them, ditched my boyfriend when I had too to stay with them, and I truly loved them for the people they were.

I never asked for anything from them except to be an exceptional friend back, but of course that's never the case. You give 110%, they give 50% back.

But since I'm turning 21 a week from now, and I don't really have anyone to share it with besides my boyfriend and family, I think I'm just glad. It took me so long to realize that I really grew up and became more independent in life. I always tell my boyfriend, "Oh I wish I had girlfriends to hang out with!". Sometimes I miss that, but I can't be friends with someone who doesn't give it their all. But I'm glad that on my birthday I can spend it with people who really care for me.

I still wonder what their up too every now and then. Sometimes I hope to run into them just to see if they've been okay. But apart of me doesn't care anymore. Anndd, I think I've officially healed from it all. The emotional pain and distress I went thru, was too much.

I just wanted to write some thoughts on this because I was just thinking about it a few minutes ago. Funny how situations change.

LittleMissLilo

So I got this gift certificate from Mac the other day because of some court case they had. They shipped out $15 gift certificates to people who were in their system and I was in desperate need to get rid of it before it expired. Naturally, my boyfriend took me to the MAC pro Store in San Francisco. I am absolutely in love with the little town. Its gorgeous! The customer service is so nice and I love how it was so empty in the store. I can actually walk around and breathe in my own air without someone hovering over me to swatch eye shadows on their hand. (Ughh I hate that when I go to Macys and that always happens) Its my new favorite spot tho. I'm hoping for my 21st birthday since none of my other plans have pulled through and I have a whopping $1600 to pay off my credit card, I can just have a nice little mini haul on my birthday at this place. I can't shop from now until March 10th with exception of the fafi collection as my boyfriend says. I am so excited. I got invited to the launch party but I dont think I'm going to go. I'm such a loser because I have school the next day. WEAKK. Anyways, I picked up a new pro palette and some vanilla pigment. Love it.

LittleMissLilo

I've had the hardest end of 2007 and sometimes I feel like my 2008 is getting harder as the day goes by. I lost four best friends in 2007 at the end of the New Year. They kind of just dismissed me and left me hanging like that. I never understood it but it leaves me kind of hurt to this day. I try to reassure myself that friends arent everything and that I have myself and family, but sometimes in the end I kinda need it? Its kinda sad to be honest that I'm even writing about this, but I need to get it out. I've been absolutely miserable and I dont know I just don't get it.

As for my boyfriend he just doesn't understand and it sucks. I know he's trying his best to reach out a hand but he doesn't know what I'm going through or let alone how important these people were to me. He doesn't understand its not something I can brush off. And I just want space to recollect myself. Its all so stupid but sucks.

LittleMissLilo