I spent the hour and a half drive home today thinking and reflecting on why I feel the way I do about violence.

My stance on violence has always been that I am, as a person, fundamentally against it. And more often than not, I find myself wondering how violence solves anything. Whenever I am asked about my stance on violence (which is often as I am quite vocal about my beliefs sometimes), I have always answered that I am against it. And so out of the blue, on the drive home, I found myself wondering why I felt this way-- as I am one of those people who feels that if I am to believe something, I should be able to explain that reasoning.

And in the end, I think, it came down to this: My thought process concluded that the real, actual problem with violence is that it is used in excess.

Violence is most frequently used by someone in a position of power.

An abusive male in a relationship beats his wife for power and control over her. (Why, because she spilled his drink?)

Osama Bin Laden is the head of a group that believes what he does, and he used his
power and influence to attack the US. (Why?)

Saddam Hussein used violence to get his followers and people in "line" so to speak, and obey him. (Why?)

Churchill, in WW whatever, used his influence and power along with the US to go all-out (so to speak) to help win the war. (Why add more violence to a war?)

Truman used his influence and power to drop two bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in WWII to end the war. (Why bomb two cities, affecting generations and generations of people both at that time and for years to come, simply to end the war?)

Bush invades Iraq and bombs cities full of civilians who are innocent. (Why not just go after ONLY the people involved with Saddam?)

Hate crimes. (Why? For privileges.)




And on and on it goes. It's a power trip. Most of the time, when violence is used, it is used in excess. Why bomb a nation to target its leaders? It's so excessive and disturbing to me. I can understand shooting down a dictator to ease the pain of a nation. I can't understand ruining the lives of thousands of others to do it though.

And it, to me, always appears to involve some sort of power. Sure, there are instances in which a homeless man will kill another solely for food-- but can you blame him for that? It's primal instinct to do what it takes to survive. Desperation drives one to do things, and though perhaps there are better ways of gaining food, it makes it a bit easier to comprehend and understand-- he did it to survive.


But that's not the case most of the time. And I think that is what I have an actual problem with-- unnecessary violence. Violence that affects innocent people. The only problem is, it's so difficult to differentiate between violence in general and unnecessary violence when violence in and of itself is so often used in excess.

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I'm not sure what is really going on emotionally.

I think I am just completely terrified because things are happening SO fast. My senior portraits are coming up-- when the fuck did I become a senior? I have to work on resumes and personal statements and essays and oh god I am really moving across the country.

I have plans. I know what to do, when to do, how to do it. I have backup plans.

But it's SO freaking fast. Time is whipping past at an alarming rate and I just want to know...when does it slow down?


I know. Time stops for no one.


I feel like I am losing days before I can embrace them. Time has come today.

*sigh*

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So, I have been a HUGE slacker in updating this blog. Ack! But things are going well. I got my new train case I ordered a while back, and it's ...full. I set up a table in my notepad with my entire stash. Minus some brushes and several Aromaleigh samples. I just ran out of room!!!!

I have to get another one. Ugh! My make-up stash is only getting bigger and bigger too! There are still some things that I need to order.

I'm still preparing to head out to California for my birthday, but in terms of what I want to do with my life and WHERE exactly in California I want to move...we'll see. I say San Jose, but LA has been mentioned as well. California is just such a damn big state!! LOL

But as long as I get away, I'll be just fine with whatever.

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I'm terrified. Scared, completely afraid.

And I don't know why. It's very disconcerting.

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And has it ever been a whirlwind of emotion. But when it is it not? Lately, though, it's been nothing but good...mostly.

The end result of all this has been a lot of self-introspection and a decision to purge negativity from my life. I don't need it. And I don't want it. And so I have had to cut some people out completely-- with my most sincere well wishes.

I have had the support of someone who has been nothing but amazing. Who is making me believe that I am worthwhile and that if I just let myself see it I could be happier for it. And, well, I am working on it.

It doesn't make things easier. For example, as I'm writing this I'm avoiding eating the second half of my chicken Caesar wrap because I'm on a diet of sorts. (Ack.) But I have a bit more hope than I have had in the past... that maybe I have a second chance to believe in myself. That with the support of friends and loved ones...I can DO something about it.

So while I stay on all the medicines to keep me alive and psychologically at least sane, I make the decision to keep myself happy as well.

And this is where I am.


I'm leaving. I have one more year here at ASC. I will graduate. And I am leaving. I am starting new. I will keep in touch with those I hold closest, but forget everyone else-- ex-boyfriends, the psychos who happen to appear in my life randomly, and the negative memories.

I am moving from my home on the East Coast to the West Coast. Where I know maybe a couple of people tops including my sister. And I will make it work.

I'm currently looking at graduate schools in San Jose area. Silicon valley. If that doesn't work, I will go elsewhere. I am saving money.

I just...cannot stay here like this. Not with all the resentment and hatred. My college here in Atlanta has given me a haven away from all that-- and I want to make my life a similar haven once I leave the bubble of undergraduate school.

My hometown is the place where if you don't leave, you get stuck there. Generations of families and frankly none of them amount to much. I swore one day I would get out of there. I did, by going to Atlanta. And from Atlanta, I will go to California.

So I am filling out applications and resumes. If I don't get accepted into school I will find a job. I am not dumb enough to believe I am above fast food, it's been my job since high school during the summers. Whatever happens, I have to make this work. I HAVE to.

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