I am at home sick from work. =( I have a feeling that I will be sick for about another few days, which makes me not so surprised because I always get sick on/around my birthday (which was last Friday). Last year, I was in the hospital with an ear infection, the year before I think I may have had a cold, and I know that in previous years I've had strep throat, etc. on my friggin birthday.

I am poking around on the internet just to see some old pictures of.. whoever.. I dunno. I came across some pictures of my idols that I would like to share with you. =)

Beauty idols and music idols.. here they are.

My dear friend Jessicka from the awesome band Scarling on the left of the group.

Cyndi Lauper.. time after time, this bitch always gives me chills with her voice.

Fairuza.. psycho and hot.

Courtney Love.. I don't care what others say about her. She has so much talent, her music and acting career.. amazing and beautiful.

Tori Amos.. another amazing voice, lyricist, fashion icon.

Switchblade Symphony (namely Tina Root: bottom).. she has one of the most gorgeous singing voices I've ever heard.

Scarlette

I love blogs.. oh boy! This could most likely be my " I feel fat today" blog place. Or.. maybe makeup marvels blog. We will see.

Today my mother had surgery on her arm.. a surgery she's wanted for a few years now because of a strange growth underneath the skin which not only caused minor discomfort, but aesthetically, she wasn't too proud of it. The doctor still doesn't know what it is, so it was sent to the lab today in a jar. Ew!

I am staying with my mom to make sure everything goes well with her recovery, I am sure it will... they only slapped a little band-aid on her and sent her home. She doesn't feel good because of the anesthetic.

I've not been feeling well myself, I am still struggling to fight hypothyroidism and PCOS. Hypothyroidism crept up on me back in 2005 and I've been on medication ever since then. I lost my beautiful metabolism that used to let me eat anything I wanted and I would still be very thin. Now I don't eat what I want and I gain weight. It's pretty hard for me. I gave up drinking on weekends, gave up fries and only eat turkey burgers if I have a burger at all. I use turkey meat in everything. I had beef the other day and I felt weird afterwards. I am still BIG and I can't lose anything. I really wish I could turn back time to the days when I was a model and starting an acting career, I wasn't with the man of my dreams back then, but I wish my body could go back to what it was. Healthy, energetic, nearly perfect.

Religious people try to tell me that "God" chose me to be this way for a reason. I don't think that any "God" or higher being would want anyone to be unhealthy and feeling like shit everyday. Not to mention, my doctor told me I probably won't be able to have children or lose weight ever and that my risk of heart disease is pretty high because of my lack of metabolizing food properly. The only thing I can do now is learn to live with myself and accept myself for what I've become.

This year has been the worst of my life (I seem to say that every year) and with the death of my father to top it all off, I just can't seem to keep my head straight. I am so forgetful! I can't concentrate or sleep good anymore. My fiancee fight a lot over really stupid things and I love him so much, but a part of me just wants to leave and just live away from him for a while. I've never felt such stress before in my life! All I hope to do is make things right for next year. I will be getting married, so I know that's one good thing that will be happening. Let's concentrate on that instead of the bad stuff that already happened.. let's just try.

Scarlette