[flychick767]

I wanted to hear from some other women. My guy friend will be married 10 years next month. But he is not happy. He and his wife, who is nice, are not really happy any longer. They have tried marriage counseling, but that does not help.

I am only hearing his side of the story, but I have known him for over 20 years and I know what kind of person he is. In short, he is a great guy, a very considerate and giving husband, and an even better father.

I know they have talked about getting separated or divorced, but have put it on hold because her mother is not doing very well. Origionally they said they would not do anything drastic until their parents were no longer living, because it would devistate them, and the girls were in college. But waiting for college would be another 12 - 15 years.

Next month is their anniversary and he is not sure what to do about it. He said they discussed just going out to dinner. He feels as if he has to get her a card, but he does not feel comfortable getting one of the normal anniversary cards because he just does not feel that way toward her any longer.

I suggested just a plain card that he could write something in.

I really hate to see him go thru this.

Can you give any advice or recommendation that I could suggest to help him get throug this.

[Darla_G]

So what does he want to do? Are they just going to be in a limbo state for an extended period? Who is requesting that they stay together, her because of her mom? Waiting on someone can mean a lot time together, i mean her mother could live for another 10 years.

Do they have kids? Are the girls in college theirs (can't be right?}?

I can assume they loved each other at one point. An anniversary celebrates time spent together. Maybe there is something they could find to jointly celebrate.

[S. Lisa Smith]

Originally Posted by flychick767

I wanted to hear from some other women. I'm not a woman, but I will put my two cents in. My guy friend will be married 10 years next month. But he is not happy. He and his wife, who is nice, are not really happy any longer. Who is not happy and why? They have tried marriage counseling, but that does not help. Perhaps they should seek another counsellor. Some people will click with one councellor and others prefer a different one. Just because one didn't work, doesn't mean another won't either.

I am only hearing his side of the story, but I have known him for over 20 years and I know what kind of person he is. In short, he is a great guy, a very considerate and giving husband, and an even better father. That is wonderful, but do you know why he is unhappy? Or is it her? It doesn't sound like there are any issues that are threatening (physical or financial), more of unhappiness issues (growing apart, that sort of thing). Unhappiness issues are the kind of things that councellors can work on.

I know they have talked about getting separated or divorced, but have put it on hold because her mother is not doing very well. Origionally they said they would not do anything drastic until their parents were no longer living, because it would devistate them, and the girls were in college. But waiting for college would be another 12 - 15 years. It seems like they are unhappy, but not unhappy enough to do anything to destroy the marriage or the family.

Next month is their anniversary and he is not sure what to do about it. He said they discussed just going out to dinner. Good idea! He feels as if he has to get her a card, but he does not feel comfortable getting one of the normal anniversary cards because he just does not feel that way toward her any longer. There are plenty of nonmushy cards available or, as you say, he could right his own. I'm sure his wife has good points and he should address those in the letter.

I suggested just a plain card that he could write something in.

I really hate to see him go thru this.

Can you give any advice or recommendation that I could suggest to help him get throug this.

They need to see another councellor!

[StereoXGirl]

I agree with both Darla and Lisa.

Honestly, I would suggest he make a card by hand. He obviously loved her enough to marry her at some point, so obviously there's something about her that he likes. The card can focus on the attributes of hers that he likes and his favorite moments of them being married (honeymoon? children's births? etc). Even if their relationship may feel rough now, it can't have all been bad!

I'd definitely recommend that they see another counsellor as posted above. Marriage takes constant work. If they're both willing to try to work things out, I'm sure they can!

[Ashley]

Hm...was there a similar thread like this before, or am I experiencing deja vu? It had something to do with flower colors, right?

I think he should still get her a card. If it has been established between the two that their marriage isn't working out anymore, he can still get a card if they are still celebrating the anniversary by going to dinner.

[S. Lisa Smith]

Originally Posted by Ashley

Hm...was there a similar thread like this before, or am I experiencing deja vu? It had something to do with flower colors, right?

I thought this sounded familiar, and it was. Great catch, Ash! There was such a thread about what color of roses for Valentine's Day he should get for her.

[jmgjmg623]

Yeah, sure he at once loved her but as everyone knows it's possible to fall out of love. If they really want the relationship to work they'll do what it takes but I've never agreed to anyone seeing a counselor because I honestly believe if you want it to work, it will.

[Carolyn]

If they still want to try to work things out, then they need to find another councellor.
Instead of giving her a card, why doesn't he give her something that she would like - favourite flowers as an example.

[Kamicha]

Nobody can make another person happy - and the great false promise of romantic love is just that. Happiness comes from inside, living meaningful life with adeqate amounts of joy and pleasure and sharing those in social circle large enough to contribute to that.

Unhappiness is a sign that one should be honest to himself/herself. I seriously doubt that any single change on life will fix unhappiness per se, but some changes are probably essential. Ditching the partner who probably is not too exciting after the several years of shared life is very popular option, but I don't see any scientific proof that it is the HG to newly found happiness.

I understand that you probably don't want give too many details about the situation - but just based on your message I could claim that your friend is very vague about the issue. He can't address exactly what is wrong (like "I've noticed that my wife and I have totally different values in life..." - well, that would be a legitimate reason for divorce, I'd say). But there are other explanations for the lack of details - and I'm just guessing here. Those things could be so private that he chooses not to talk about them even with friends. Or then there is another option - he does not really understand the factors behind his unhappiness even himself.

Oh yes, I'm writing about HIS unhapppiness, only, even it's obvious that his wife is unhappy, too. But I do it intentionally.

The people are experiencing the unhappiness as separate entities, and probably in different ways. The problem probably is not the marriage or family life, but unfulfilled (and probably unrealistic in some ways at least) expectations to it - and life in general. Unhappiness creates more unhappiness - how can one be happy in marriage if it is obvious that your partner is not satisfied?

Changing the councellor could help. But if your friend is very private person, it could be hard to open enough in sessions. One option could be (and it could be a starting point from where to advance to more fruitful councelling) is that your friend asks some reading recommendations from the councellor.

I encourage yout friend to broaden the perspective to that unhappiness issue. An unsatisfactory marriage might be one reason behind that, yes, but focusing on it might prevent your friend to see the big picture. Discussing and reflecting about happiness and what contributes to happy life might sound cheesy - but in my own life I've found it very empowering. Instead of continuously asking what is wrong with my relationships, work etc. I've had to take a responsibility of my own happiness, finding the factors that contribute to it and truly practise them continuously.

Your friend and his wife clearly share at least one important value, they really don't want to break the family. Could they discuss how to make the basic, daily family life more fulfilling - and happy - for both of them? What kind of (practical) things and choices they could do (and would be willing to do and allow) to each other to be more happy? Sneaking in some happiness from the back door never does harm!

Speaking about happiness in general (instead of very private "unhappiness in marriage" -things) would probably be quite easy with friends - that is one thing you could help with.

This is just a thought - and I could be totally wrong. It can be childish and overtly simplistic: I'm simple and childish person. And then there is my English - as you could probably notice I'm not native speaker and that text is probably full of clumsy expressions. But I still hope that you can extract the point there, if there's any!

[flychick767]

Thank you everyone for all your advice. I knew that I would hear good stuff. I am going to print this post with everyones recommendations and give it to him. I will let everyone know what happens.

Thank you for being such good friends both to me and to someone you do not even know.

I love you all.

[ticki]

if it is a foregone conclusion that they will be separating in the future and there is no love between the two of them any longer, WHY BOTHER? sounds like they're only staying together to protect her parents and their children.

seriously, if it's obvious that he no longer loves her and if she doesn't love him either then there's no point in trying to do this anniversary thing. that is, unless they're trying to work something out and are hoping to repair the breach and find love with each other again.

anniversaries are meant to celebrate and acknowledge their commitment together and is purely a societal construct. it's not like he's going to lose a leg if they decide to skip it.