[PrettyFlowers]

I don't want to get into the nitty gritty details about my situation, but I do want to generalize this topic and hope that you can help me sort out my confusion.

I'm 35, I still live at home (because of my financial problems) and I'm dating. I don't know if this man is right for me, but that is what dating is all about.
I don't have much of a social life...basicaly nil, but I try to be good to my co-workers and get along with anyone I meet.
I hold down two jobs and work 7 days a week. One job is extremely emotional and the other is very physical labour type of job.

By accident, my parents saw that I got a hickey from this new date. My father over reacted and was very upset with me. My mother was afraid that I was giving up my personal respect and not to allow other people to delegate how I want to be and be perceived. She didn't understand why we had to see each other every day and why so fast.

When he called to ask me out for a move, I had to say no because my parents said so.
I love my parents very much, but what are the signs when any type of relationship can be too controlling?
There is another post in Love & Relationships on how to spot a man with the wrong intentions and took it literally.
Sometimes I think I'm so dumm to not see the signs. I think my parents see that in me and it is a flaw.

How can I sort out my thoughts and feelings to really know if he will be the right person for me and how do I know my parents is not controlling me because they are afraid that I will get hurt or taken advantage of?

So let me get this straight.....he asked you out to a movie and you couldn't go because your parents said no??

Is there any reason besides the hickey that they don't want you to go out with him? Do they think it's just moving too fast?

Really you are an adult, and you should be able to date anyone you want. As long as you don't disrespect them in their house. How would you know if he's the right guy if you can't go on dates with him?....you're right....that is what dating is all about......

[Aprill]

I am on the fence...as usual.....

On one hand, you are an adult. You should be treated like an adult. You have the right to go where ever you want when you want, which makes me curious to ask....are you paying bills and contributing there? Because if you are, they have no right. I would suggest that you not let him come over there to their house too often. Especially for hanky panky

On the other hand, (this is the speech that I got from my mom) adults that want to play by their own rules dont live up in other adults houses (happy I know ) How long do you estimate that it will be before you can move out on your own and play by your own rules?

[PrettyFlowers]

All of you have raised important points and I feel embarresed that I cannot stand up to my parents. This guy is now upset with me and probably has some doubts about me.
I really like this guy and I told him today that I will stand up for myself. I'm too old to be treated this way.

Just so you know, I don't pay rent, in fact, I feel like I'm hardly at home because of work.
Tomorrow I am going to see him and I can't wait!

[KellyB]

Don't be embarrassed. I have a couple of thoughts on this. Living with your parents when you are an adult is always difficult. You are a grown woman though and some things need not be discussed with your parents. Unfortunately, by living with them and not paying rent, you are basically their "kid" again and this gives them, in their opinions, the "right" to be your parents and really.... you have to consider whether you are behaving like an adult or not.

Even though you are having financial difficulties, can you pay them any amount??? It would help your cause tremendously if you could. If they say no, insist upon it. It will be a lot easier for you to regain some control back over your life again if you feel like a grown woman.

As long as you are living in their house they do have some rights. Rights like expecting you to clean up after yourself or taking over some of the daily chores that they do. They have the right to say that they don't want men staying with you or in their house when they aren't home or not in their house at all. They have the right to ask you to contribute financially even if they won't ask. They have the right to expect respect in their own home. What they do not have the right to do is to control every aspect of your life. They don't have the right to tell you that you can't go out with a man because he gave you a hickie the night before. They do have the right to voice their opinion whether you live with them or not but you have the right to pursuit a little happiness on your own.

The fact that you asked how to know if someone is controlling you tells me that you already know the answer. It's an uncomfortable feeling when anyone tries to control your life. You have the right to stop it but only you can do it.

I would start by paying rent no matter the amount and acting like I am taking care of their house as if it were my own. Then I would slowly begin telling them things like "out with friends" if they ask where you are going. Start respectfully keeping your personal life to yourself. Don't talk with either one of them about things you don't want to hear their opinion on. If YOU bring it up then you have extended the invitation for them to butt in. Your mother's idea that you are giving up your personal respect makes no sense to me when she doesn't seem to respect you either.

Respect is a two way street and yes our parents can respect us also. It's not easy standing up for yourself if you are not used to doing it. Start paying attention to your thoughts and reactions to how people treat you. If you get that "uncomfortable" feeling then that is your clue that you need to stop whatever is happening at that very moment. It takes time and practice but it's not too late for you to seize some of your life back. I'm free to pm anytime. I have strong feelings about this and could write a lot more but I'm going to give it a rest for now. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you success but do consider what you have been told. I hope it helps.

[pinksugar]

I completely agree with kelly.

While on the one hand they do deserve respect, it is not their place to dictate when, where and who you meet and see.

Good luck with your new prospect, and I hope everything works out with your parents!

[brewgrl]

I am not sure about your financial situation either, and I know how hard it is to be under a parents roof as an adult. My mother doesnt live with me but she is a summer guest at my house for 3 months + of the year. In that time, she likes to try to reign down the parent authority.
I was very lenient with her the first couple years, as she is my mother, but in the end, my life is my life.
The most important thing to do when putting up barriers with parents is DEFINITELY knowing if you are acting like an adult. That means, you are not relying on them to feed you, to clothe you, to make the major decisions in your life... It also means that YOU become responsible for those decisions. And it's not something that you talk about and argue about or discuss, it's just something you do.
You need to be the manager of your life in every area that you can, while focusing on where you will eventually take more control. And this can all be done under a parent's roof.
And so this guy is upset... Oh well. There are some definite areas that need to be corrected ahead of time if you are ever going to have a healthy relationship with this guy while living at your parents. And a man who truly cares and understands will ultimately stand by you as you fix those areas.
And don't pass the buck!!! If you stand up to your parents just because he's upset at you, aren't you are then passing the control from your parents to a guy, without ever taking control for yourself.
Control for your life decisions should only be made by one person for one person- YOU.

Good Luck!

ALSO- on the rent issue... even if you can't afford to pay them rent because you are saving for something else, you can make this deal with your parents to open a savings account where a set monthly sum of money goes into, and when you are ready to be on your own, you have it, with interest... this is what many of my friends did before they moved out of their parents house. and their parents respected them much more for that.

[krazykid90]

I have controlling parents as well, so I can understand how frusterating it can be. I just have to keep reminding myself that while I'm living in their house, I have to follow their rules.

[PrettyFlowers]

Thank you so much! I have taken your advice to heart and will treasure them. I will keep you up-to-date if anything has come of this.

I do save money and my parents support me that I want to buy a house. I take their advice, but for now, I need to save so I can have a down payment. I also need to secure a full-time job which is very difficult, but I'm always applying to internal job postings. The competition is really high.

If I was living with a bf or husband, I know I could survive with two incomes. I am no longer reckless with my finances compared to my 20's.

I do pay to get my father's car fixed, I pay insurance and sometimes, but not often, contribute to groceries.

I will PM you, Kelly for your advice. I really appreciate your kindness and everyone else on MUT.