[ansin5296]

Basics

I have been with my fiance for 2 years now.. things happened pretty fast. we knew each other for about 4 months but only dated 3 of them before we got engaged in august 06. he was a police officer for the county (right now a police contractor in afganastan) and went to the gym around 930 pm and came home around 1230 am.

Now heres what happened..

About a month after my son was born i found out that he had been talking to another girl at while working and at night when he would go to the gym. he would call her as soon as he got down the road and talk to her all the way there (if he really went to the gym) and then call her when he left and talk to her till he got down the road. he met her threw work. hes on a special unit and they would rent cars from this company where she worked. well aparently she just out of the blue started calling him all the time.. he says there was nothing there but friendship but he called her and texted her more then she would him. she sent him a picture of her and her baby and when i asked him who it was he said a friends girlfriend. she also sent him a picture of boobs that he claims was from the internet but im not exactly that stupid.. i called her at her work and she wouldnt tell me anything but "everyone can have a friend right" and then her mom called the police department and said if i called there again they would take out a restraining order and almost caused him to lose his job. ohh and let me add that when i had my son and he was staying with me in the hospital he was texting her the whole day and also sent her pictures of our house, my bed, and our fireplace.. but cant tell me why..

ontop of all this my mom went searching on the internet and for those of you who dont know.. you type in anyones name on google and it will come up with all the websites they are signed up to. anyways she found him on a few sites.. loveaccess.com, true.com, adultfriendfinder.com, and he had a seperate myspace account (we shared one). so when i asked him about all of these of course he lied and said that it wasnt him someone was messing with him.. the pictures he used were pictures taken at my moms house by me. how crapy is that. anyways so i hacked into his email one day and hacked into his loveaccess and the true site. i found emails from some older woman (hes 29 now and she was 54) and they were talking about kissing and screwing. i also found out that he had been on this site since sept after we started dating. so the whole time was a big lie.. he denyed everything of course. and when i asked him why he said it was because i didnt show him intimacy.. i was 8 1/2 months preggo when he started talking to the girl i wasnt in the mood for intimacy..

so anyways.. we did a lot of yelling.. i did alot of threatening to leave.. and boy did i break alot of stuff around here. i cried my eyes out for days. slept on the couch for weeks. and then gave in and said i would give him another chance.. and now he wants to plan a wedding for when he gets back and im just not sure if i can completely get over this.. its a hard thing to deal with and i still think about it and wonder why he did it.. he swears he didnt sleep with anyone that he talked to but when i asked him to take a lie detector test he said he wouldnt do it. so i dont know what i should think and what i should do..

can you honestly get past things like this and move on or is it always going to be something that comes up in every arguement.

what to do..

[iLOVEcolors]

I'm sorry that you went through that =[. But if I every find out that my boyfriend/fiance was going to be my husband and did all that behind your back, I wouldn't marry him in the first place. If he was on dating sites and engaged with you and denies it, he's obviously lying. I don't know about you, but I'd go super crazy and my boyfriend knows it >_<. If you guys are fighting now and not even married yet, what do you think it's going to be like when you guys are married???

[Aprill]

"When in doubt pinky out" -Patrick Star

If you dont trust him, marriage is going to be nothing more than a messy situation filled with lies and coverups. That will ALWAYS for a long long time come up in arguments. Follow your first mind, give it some time, get some counseling, give the wound time to heal. Marriage will do nothing more than open it back up

[pinksugar]

I think I agree - I think this can be fixed, but I really think it is far too soon to think about getting married when this is all so raw.

I would ask him to commit to relationship counselling or therapy with me until we had reached somewhere in our relationship where we could get the trust back.

Basically, if he isn't prepared to work out your mistrust of him, then he's not prepared to change and chances are he'll continue to do what he's done behind your back.

I'm not saying this relationship is doomed or that you can't get past it, but it will require effort on both sides, and I personally think he should have to put more in, being as how he's the one that screwed up...

best of luck chicken!

[Anthea]

If he is lying to you at this early stage in your relationship, what's he going to do in years to come?? I'm not saying he can't change but do yourself a favor and don't get married until you are compleatly over this and are satisfied he won't do it again. If you don't think you can ever trust him I would think its not the best idea to marry him. At the very least, make him wait and see what happens.

[daer0n]

I agree with Anthea.
I may be too harsh but if my husband ever did such thing to me i would NEVER forgive him, EVER.

[macface]

Don't marry somebody who lied to you right from the start.When men get caught at times they try to go one step futher like marriage.That has happend to me.They have lied to me then they ask me to get marry to him.Heck no I said. I needed time for my self to think about everything after that.Pm if you want to talk.

[jacquelyna]

I know I wouldn't be able trust someone who lied to me from the very beginning.

[ansin5296]

Thank you everyone for the posts.. Right now he is in afganastan for a year. He gets to come home 2 times for a couple weeks but other then that hes gone till march. i figured that this would give me time to myself to really realize if he is the one i want to be with and can get past everything. it hurt me really bad (not only cuz of our son) but i had other people do this type of stuff to me in the past and i told him about it all when we first started and of course you get all the false promises and the lies about how he will never do it.. we were suppose to plan the wedding for march 09 and i told him it had to wait till atleast september 09. he says sorry alot and thanks me for giving him a second chance to show me how much he loves me. its funny cuz i just got a message from him when he got on about buying a new engagement ring since i told him the last one didnt mean jack s**t to me..

to sweetnsexy6953... unfortunately i cant respond to your pm since i dont have 50 posts yet. but the site is Google its a search engine. you type in the persons name and everything that he is signed up to should come up. even court dates from speeding tickets come up. you will have to search threw the results but if there is anything its there. and if they have a nickname like tony for anthony or drew for andrew you have to try that way too..

[blueangel1023]

Sorry to hear you go through all of that...I was having a casual relationship with a cop for the past couple of months and it's pretty much out the window now. Not that I had ever caught him lying, but I wouldn't be surprised if he had some other girl on the side. Sometimes the stories just don't connect, but I'm not the type of person to question him. What's done is done. I just pack my stuff and leave.

Since you've been with him for awhile it might take some time in letting go...but I think it's for the best. Lying is the biggest pet peeve of mine. I wouldn't want to be with someone who wasn't truthful from me in the start. Marriage is a really big decision and luckily you found out sooner than later. For him to apologize and saying sorry means nothing...A guy doesn't change. Men are going to be men, it's usually the women who has to adapt to their behaviors and put up with them. I wish I could give you more advice on this, but you're smart enough to do the right thing

[puncturedskirt]

Well If i was you, I definitely wouldn't be thinking about marriage with him. Especially since he's done ALOT of lying. It would be very hard to trust them again.

[Adrienne]

I wouldn't marry the guy at all. I, unfortunately , was also cheated on during my 7th or 8th month of pregnancy with our first child. I'm still married and I do love him but i still have a nagging guilt that I shouldve been stronger.

Being 18, young and stupid, I stayed and literally had to deal with his leaving me behind for his friends up until early in the morning. I practically raised our son alone for the first two years.

He did make a dramatic change and to be honest I don't know what finally clicked last summer. I guess he finally realized that I was getting tired and didnt' even put any effort into the fights or really could care less. I think he noticed I didnt' cry anymore. Slowly I became stronger and now, if he decides to step out of line, he knows I'm gone in the blink of an eye.

But to be honest, I waited a long time and I still have to deal with his super insane jealously. I just brush him off and ignore it and its working but that doesn't stop him from having his thoughts. I guess it worked out okay for us but if I was in your shoes again, and knew what I know now, as good as it is now, in a wierd way, I'd still leave. The time it took for him to change was not worth my self disrespect for all those years.

[Ricci]

whats the sudden urge for him to offer Marriage ? is he hoping you will forget all about the hurt if he marries you?

[GlossyAbby]

I dated a cop while in college.... sounds a lot like the one I dated to a T ! I wouldn't marry him if you cant trust him!