[ForeverPink]

Hi

I feel like a real awful person. Am I?

Im with the most wonderful perfect guy. I love him to bits and we are expecting a baby. However, he smokes and this is bothering me. I do have to say that I feel I have slightly brought this problem on by myself because I got with him when he smoked also and because he was so lovely I sorta looked past it!

Well, he's cut down from 20 to 5 a day and says he wants to give up. But at the moment he says he has work stress etc. so is still smoking a small amount. My arguement is that life will bring all kinds of stress and that you cannot make excuses.

I told him last night that , ewwww Im cringing when I say this "that I love him but we can't be together if you carry on smoking". I am thinking of the baby and our future life together. My dad got cancer years ago but fortunately survived. I never want to see another person I love go through this! EVER!

I visited my partner, because he is in another Country, a few months back. He said he was giving up but after 2 hours he'd come back smelling of smoke. This caused me to shout and gave me so much stress.

Im due to take the baby back to see him in September and Ive told him I dont want this atmosphere again, especially in front of the baby.

Was my altimatum bad? I don't feel as though I am over-reacting. The UK has megal education on how bad smoking is, but where is he there is zero.
Should I try to be a little more patient or compasionate? I feel if I do, he will just carry on thinking he can get away with it. He needs a kick up the backside to make him believe what he will lose if he carries on.

[AngelaGM]

My mother has oral cancer and it was enough to make my two pack a day habit mother quit cold turkey. I am so proud of her! I think smoking is a disgusting habit and that your partner should quit.

[ForeverPink]

Oh believe me, at the end of the day he has no choice because I know 100% that I cannot live with a smoker and a baby for the rest of my life. Its just the way he is going about it that is making me angry. Excuses about work stress, money stress. Ive tried to explain that there will always be different life stress. And what kind of stress will it give him if I just decide we are finished because he isn't giving up! A lot more than he has now for sure.

I have told him this is not a threat but a promise but somehow I still think he thinks I will let him off. I won't. I cannot deal with the smell, the expense, the danger but I should have thought about this when I was bowled over by his charm and good looks hey!!! Damn

[Tony(admin)]

This is good that you stick to your commitment of not having a baby around that. Smoking and children have no place together at all. I know this since I grew up in a totally smoke filled home. It was disgusting. My brother and I used to chastise our mom and dad bigtime. It's really mind over matter. In fact, smoking is a large contributor to SIDS or crib death. Personally, I have no patience for smokers at all, in fact, I love b!tching at them It's pretty much a self serving addiction that has no place in the home. I love the new law in California, that if you smoke while driving your car with children under 17, you can be fined. LMAO. There is nothing worse on this planet than smelling a smokers breath right after they are finished sucking one in.

[ForeverPink]

Yes I agree, I don't think England will be far behind now with bringing in that law. It is so much better here now everywhere is smoke free. They have even started to ban smoking outside, particularly in places like Hospital car parks etc.

What makes me RAGE and SO angry is when smokers try to lie that they havent had one. Ive not been able to get through to my other half yet that lying about it is fruitless. Im like a bloodhound because I dont smoke. One tiny whiff and its like they've had 100 all in one go. When he comes to England he will see what a much cleaner, healthier place it is. No we don't have sunshine 9 months of the year but at least you can breath without inhaling somebodies disgusting smoke. He will also see how much education and guidance we have here about giving up smoking and what it is doing to him.

If that doesnt work, it will be hypnotherapy. If that doesnt work, I 'will' resort to more drastic measures

[marinasmith]

Well, I smoke. It's bad, I know! I'm thinking about taking medication to stop, 'cause I have tried to stop all by myself 3 times and I always get back to it. Please do have patience with your boyfriend. Smokers are addicted and as any other addiction, it's VERY hard to get out of it.

[Adrienne]

I personally don't think I'd have any patience with a smoker. I once was dating a guy that smoked.

I knew he did and I thought we'd be able to get pass it but one day he was smoking and as soon as he finished, he kissed me! I was so grossed out by the flavor and we didn't last one week.

I couldn't even imagine someone smoking around my child. This is a very harmful addiction and no child should have to be forced to smell this. I personally agree with you. Now your a mother and a good parent will put their childs needs and safety first before anything else, and that includes his father. If he wants to put his child first, then he'd quit.

[Ricci]

Its totally up to you of course I suggest Maybe he can smoke outside?whilst trying to quit completely?
I wanted to add make sure he brushes his teeth after everytime he has a smoke ,, so u can kiss him n stuff

[ForeverPink]

I am really trying to be patient. But my patience runs out "immediately" when I here laim excuses like "oh I am stressed about work at the moment" or "I am stressed about family" - in my opinion there will ALWAYS be some form of stress in our lives and he cannot use this as an excuse forever.

We are already way past the stage of him having to smoke outside and clean his teeth everytime. He has been doing this anyway because I wouldnt have it any other way. I can still smell it when he's cleaned his teeth though.

I am afraid im quite a hard tast master with people who just give excuses or false promises. After a while of being let down and given false hope, I just tend to tell them to go away until they can stick to their word. I really hope this doesnt happen with him. I love him and otherwise he is truly perfect. It would be a crying shame

[Carolyn]

He's the father of the child.
To me, it almost sounds like you want him out of your lives and you are using smoking as the catalyist.
From my life experience, ultimatums never work - in fact they have a funny way of backfiring.
As Ricci is suggesting, there is a thing called comprimise.

[ForeverPink]

Hi,
No, him out of my life is the very last thing I want. But I did tell him when we first met that if children were involved then he would need to address the smoking, and he agreed I was right.

I am compromising at the moment by him going outside and smoking. However my reasons for needing him to quit is not only because of the smell. Its the medical aspects too and as he occassionally uses an inhaler for breathing because of allergies, the smoking is not helping.

[Ricci]

I agree with Carol
Its not an excuse ,, stress does make u crave to smoke more

Originally Posted by ForeverPink

I am really trying to be patient. But my patience runs out "immediately" when I here laim excuses like "oh I am stressed about work at the moment" or "I am stressed about family" - in my opinion there will ALWAYS be some form of stress in our lives and he cannot use this as an excuse forever.

We are already way past the stage of him having to smoke outside and clean his teeth everytime. He has been doing this anyway because I wouldnt have it any other way. I can still smell it when he's cleaned his teeth though.

I am afraid im quite a hard tast master with people who just give excuses or false promises. After a while of being let down and given false hope, I just tend to tell them to go away until they can stick to their word. I really hope this doesnt happen with him. I love him and otherwise he is truly perfect. It would be a crying shame

[Maysie]

Both of my parents smoked growing up, and I remember how it made me feel when I'd have to breathe in their smoke...like I was going to get cancer, and like they knew and didn't care about that. I don't know if it would have been different if they'd only smoked away from us kids, but I believe smoking around kids is totally unacceptable and selfish. Now if he's agreeing to only smoke outside, I guess the issue is mostly between you guys. If he wants to stop and is open to trying different things to do that...patches, gum, whatever then give him time to do so. I'm sure its a very very hard habit to kick....but I don't think you're being unreasonable expecting him to do so. Especially because you guys discussed it before having a baby.

[Aprill]

I thought he was in another country....or are you referring to another guy?
Newborn daytime/evening routine?

Anyway, you are doing the right thing by saying dont smoke around my baby. Richard has always smoked outside, and when Trey was born, he didnt for a while at all, he has always thought that babies are very precious things. Anyway, throwing an ultimatum is not what you need. You guys have to come up with a solution