[ColdDayInHell]

By Moe

SCARY CELEB DIET TRICKS no sane woman should try! That's a story on page 348 of the March Glamour. Reverse psychology? Irresponsible? Whatever, we're reading on! And... well, turns out they abuse Dieter's Tea, do "liquid cleanses" and "stay locked in the gym...and then LIE about it." Oh, Jesus. As someone who has done all that shit and worse — well, I don't think I ever lied about going to the gym, as if going to the gym was something shameful in this society, but whatevs — I thought I'd save the jump for some even dumber diet ideas.

Not eating - "Dry" cappuccinos, chicken bullion, cabbage soup, gum, pickles, celery, kim chi, diluted cream of wheat, V8 juice, miso soup, diet soda...I have pretty much ruined all of these foods for myself by subsisting on them for years at a time. Don't do it! It sucks so much to look at a pickle and have that twinge of, "oh yeah, once I was thin."

Laxatives - These were my absurd crutch for years. Absurd because they never worked. Senokot for regular days, Correctol for really bad binges, laxative "Dieter's tea" when I felt like punishing myself for cultivating such a gross and stupid addiction by forcing myself to ingest something really disgusting to remind myself how pathetic I was. Laxatives absolutely do not work at all, which is why I wonder how someone as experienced in these things as Tyra would still seem to be abusing them. (Maybe, like a certain other Jezebel I know, she just likes the way the chocolate Ex-Lax tastes?) They just give you that "empty" feeling you remember so fondly from the days you could actually pull off anorexia. Which is why they don't work: you're so empty you need to eat.

Horse Pills - I've never taken clenbuterol, but my best friend bought some in Mexico and they didn't work. Well, she claims they didn't work, but she's pretty thin lately, though she's also about to get married, and everyone manages to magically become thin for their weddings, just as everyone manages to return to their normal size afterwards. So whatevs.

Amphetamines - These curb the appetite nicely for a few months until you develop a tolerance to them. In the meantime, I am pretty sure they give you gum disease and inspire all the old friends you haven't seen since you became really hermetic and focused to remark that you seem kind of "speedy and jumpy." On the plus side, it's not as bad as being a cokehead.

Steam rooms - I never belonged to a nice enough gym, but my friend Tom used to spend an hour — literally, an hour — in the Raquet Club steam room before going out every night. Nothing like severely jeopardizing your health to make you feel frail and weak, almost as if you were one of those THIN people! I think you can achieve the same effect from overdosing on a heating pad during a bout of really horrible cramps. You're hot, and weak, and sick-feeling — as if you'd broken down and exercised! Nothing makes me hungrier for ground beef and beer.

Master Cleanse - Tracie did this. It actually sounded like the worst ratio of absurd tactics/efficacy of the whole bunch.

Trying to Give Yourself A Tapeworm - I read a book wherein someone tried to do this before by saving a Tupperware container of salmon in his glove compartment for sixty days, then eating it. On the plus side, I think he did actually make himself sick.

Syrup of Ipecac - I didn't learn till way after the eating disorder days that you had to request the pharmacist for this stuff. I have gone to the drugstore many times fully intending on finally rooting out a bottle of this shit, and pussying out because I don't want to look like that desperate of a bulimic. Usually I'd just buy a can of Skoal and try to eat it and make myself puke that way. That only worked once or twice, though.

Alli - Was stupid, and expensive, and I'm pretty sure I forgot to expense it too.

Ephedra - My ex-boyfriend, a former model, introduced me to this. It was like crappy Adderall, and it made me too sweaty to want to take it for any length of time to lose weight. Now it is illegal I think, but I'm sure I still have 300 pills somewhere...

In Conclusion: Nothing ever worked except this time I was really diligent about getting exercise. I should get into that again! I hear it's good for your brain. I cannot say the same for dieting.

Source

[daer0n]

I did the cabbage soup diet, not eating, laxatives, amphetamines.
All kinds of stuff, till i realized that there isnt anything that will make you lose weight for a long period of time until you change your way of life, no dieting, just eating right in small amounts, and excersicing, that has been so far the only thing that has worked good for me that has kept me in shape without gaining weight while eating stuff that i like, healthy choices, not dumb ones.

[magosienne]

i haven't really done anything particularly stupid. apart from skipping dinner a few times. sometimes it's because i truly wasn't hungry, but sometimes also because i thought skipping a meal would force my body to use the energy stocked in my thights or belly . only to realize my mistake when you're hungry at midnight and can't sleep because your stomach's empty.

i also saw my best friend after a month of her trying to get rid of a taperworm she got who knows how. sure she lost weight (that she got back after), but she also was beyond exhaustion as the pain was keeping her awake at night. also don't try to make her drink a glass of orange juice, after taking her meds with it because of their nasty taste, she can't drink it anymore.

[XkrissyX]

cabbage soup.


then i did this master cleansing detox diet for 2 weeks. basically starvation diet. i felt thinner but wtf i cant do that once a month.

[beaglette]

I've tried every diet under the sun-- I dieted my way up to nearly 500 lbs. I finally decided to have gastric bypass.

No, it's not a quick fix and some people would say it's dumb but hey, they weren't nearly 500 lbs. and didn't have trouble fitting into a bathroom stall nor did they have the eye-opening experience of tee-teeing straddling a third-world bathroom trough with dirty water passing in between their legs as your stomach hung to your knees. Great visual, huh?

It's worked for me. I'm a svelte (HA HA HA HA HA!) size 10/12. And, no, I'm certainly not svelte, nor will I ever be because I am not having anymore plastic surgery to remove excess skin nor am I going to exercise anymore than required for doing what I do (SAHM) in order to "look" toned. Yes, that even means if my boobs end up hanging where my stomach was :-)

Warmly,

Brandi

[pretty_pink13]

I took diet pills in highschool, im not sure if they had ephedra in it, but it totally made me sick and now I am really sensitive to caffeine because of it.

[macface]

Diet pills

[Aprill]

I used to do a diet consisting of lemon water as my drink, and eating ice as my solid food for weeks, LOL I was full of water!

[Ricci]

I took ephedra for 4 months and lost 60 lbs but I got really sick from it and I couldn't move at all I felt so bad and I thought i was going to die literately

[KatJ]

I tried the "hollywood diet". That drink that you're suppossed to consume for a few days at a time. I think I made it through a whole day, maybe. I was quite surprised to find out that it was fairly tasty though. That's really the only thing I have every tried. Besides a random diet pill that I take here and there.

[ColdDayInHell]

I've done phentermine.

[Beyonce Welch]

I would eat only two meals a day

[pinksugar]

I love food too much, I totally comfort eat. Certainly nothing I've tried has worked anyway, LOL

[ticki]

i joined the air force...


haha. i didn't join to lose weight but it was a side effect.