[ColdDayInHell]

By Andrew G. Marshall, marital therapist and the author of "I Love You but I'm Not in Love with You"

According to a recent study by the National Federation of Builders, 35 per cent of homeowners admitted that their attempts at home improvement had caused domestic rifts. But why exactly does DIY bring out the worst in a relationship and how do you diffuse a feud once it has taken hold?

“Our angriest fights are always about home improvements,” says Katie, 32, who has recently moved into a new house with her husband, Tom, an architect. The problem is that although they have similar tastes, their approaches are poles apart. “I just want to get the job finished but with Tom, it's never quite right. Something that should take a morning will take a week; it's infuriating. And you can imagine the mess. Tom collects tools like women collect shoes. For almost a year, they took up a quarter of the kitchen.”

One of the couple's most contentious projects was restoring the downstairs floorboards. “My wife just wanted to sand them down and leave the joints open, but I couldn't live with that,” says Tom, 39. “I saved the sawdust and mixed it with special resin that I had ordered from Holland and filled in the gaps. I also did the holes underneath to stop the draughts getting in; nobody sees it but I know it's been done.” Katie says: “We can't just go to B&Q like other people; he has to drivehundreds of miles to a reclamation yard just to buy that one perfect floorboard. It drives me insane.”

It's a power struggle

Under all these DIY disputes, there is a power struggle, with one party trying to impose ideas, standards, taste or time scale on the other. This is particularly noticeable when a couple work side by side on a project. “There is only one way of painting a room and it's my wife's way,” says Adrian, 29. “She will start at one end and move round methodically. I want to paint where the mood takes me but she complains that I've made too big strokes.”

His wife Hannah, 28, has another take: “His way, some patches get one coat and others get two.” On more than one occasion, Adrian has stormed out and left Hannah to finish the task alone. It got so bad that they would work on separate tasks, but that caused rows, too. “I'd ask when he was going to put up a cabinet and he'd agree such and such a weekend, but when the time came he would always have some excuse,” says Hannah. “I told you, I didn't have the right drill,” counters Adrian.

During counselling, it became clear that Adrian was behaving passive aggressively, appearing publicly compliant but privately sabotaging. “I hate to be bossed around at home; I get enough of that at work,” he admits. This reinforced my opinion that this was as much about power as DIY. Interestingly, neither partner felt very powerful. “I have to nag to get the slightest thing done; it's exhausting,” says Hannah. Adrian's power was entirely negative; he could stop Hannah having her own way but did not directly express his own needs.

With other contentious problems, such as money or sex, the row can be ignored or forgotten for a while, but home improvements and half-finished jobs are always there - right under a couple's noses.

“My partner wanted to close off a window. He thought it spoilt the line of the wall and, in his opinion, it did not let in much light as it looked straight on to our neighbour's wall,” says Alice, 43. “Although he knew I disagreed, I came home to find that he had taken away the curtain rail - damaging the wallpaper - piled bricks into the window and pinned a sheet over it. He claimed that this would ‘give me an idea how it would look'.” She was angry about not being consulted. “Every time I went into the living room I got angry and the argument would start up all over again.”

Calling in the professionals

If home improvements are so corrosive to relationships, wouldn't it better, and easier, to call in the professionals? In some households, this can cause more arguments than it solves. “He goes berserk if I suggest contacting that nice Polish builder that our friend raves about,” says Katie about Tom, her architect husband. “It's like an act of betrayal.”

There is a second reason why it is worth persevering: it is good to argue. Rows bring hidden issues to the surface and in a reasonably contained topic, such as DIY, there is a chance to express differences and practise finding solutions without causing any serious harm to your relationship.

So what strategies can be used to settle these DIY disputes? With something as long-lasting as decoration, it is important to reach a compromise. In the argument over closing up the window, Alice let her partner have his way, but he agreed to bring more light into the room by installing a sliding glass door on to the garden.

Alternatively, if there is no middle way, divide up the responsibilities. This is the solution chosen by Tom and Katie. She says: “He is stubborn about how things are done but I'm more stubborn about the look. So I'll choose the colour, but he'll choose the brand and get the finish he wants.”

The other strategy is to try to find something positive in the other person's approach. For example, Katie accepts that when Tom has finished, the results are spectacular - even though the process is frustrating. Tom appreciates that Katie keeps him on track. By holding on to what they appreciate, even when they're angry, they still respect each other.

When it comes to timescales, perhaps the biggest source of rows, couples should try to decide together. Discuss all the possible problems and what can be done to mitigate them. If you impose a date arbitrarily or agree to one to keep your partner happy, this will store up problems for the future. So take time to make certain that both of you have expressed your concerns and feel able to say no.

Finally, if none of these strategies works, you can always trying laughing as, in hind-sight, most of these fights will probably seem rather comic.

Source

[Darla_G]

I can relate to this. I think women even more than men need a sanctuary they can escape to.

[Karren_Hutton]

See that's where my wife and I excell... She tells me what to build and I build it!! Simple and easy system!! Lol and we have been building for almost 3 decades... Built a house she designed.. Took 4 years... Remodeled damn near everything... She designs it and I love building... And she's a hell of a worker... laid most of the concrete block on our first house and she and her Grandma shingled the roof!!!

All about team work!! Plus we get what we want.. And save money so there's no money tensions either.. So love and diy works well for us!!

[Adrienne]

Originally Posted by Darla_G

I can relate to this. I think women even more than men need a sanctuary they can escape to.

[ColdDayInHell]

Originally Posted by Karren_Hutton

her Grandma shingled the roof!!!

[Darla_G]

Karren, your wife sounds like a regular Joanne Liebeler (remember her from Hometime) i was like in love with that woman.


Now please tell me she does cement work too (That is soo hot!)