Friendship advice

ninalovesmakeup · 07-14-2008, 09:17 PM

I have a guy friend that I talk to. When we first started talking, there was kind of a romantic interests between the two of us. However, that never worked out and now we're just friends. We use to talk a lot and get advice from each other. He's kind of a depressing guy. He talks a lot about how miserable he is, how he can't get a girlfriend, how no one wants to be his friends. Sometimes, it's hard to be friends with someone who is so negative, but I overlooked that because I could see he was a good person.

Now this friend has found a girlfriend and has completely brushed me off. I told him as much the other day. He's in medical school and also getting his phd, so I know he's busy with his research and all that, but I still find it hard to believe that he doesn't have a few minutes to spare to at least say hi and catch up a little bit. I say hi to make sure he's alright and everything is going well with him. I told my bf (they know each other), and he told me he doesn't know why I bother. I'm starting to think that too. This guy focuses so much on being in a relationship. He told me that all he needs to be happy is to have a woman in his life (girlfriend/future wife), so maybe he now has a girlfriend and has no need for any friends. I don't know. I tried being the bigger person and apologized for getting annoyed with him for not talking to me anymore. I sent him a few IMs and a text, but I haven't heard anything. I don't know if he's ignoring me now or not. Anyways, am I wrong for what I said?

JordanGalore · 07-14-2008, 09:24 PM

As friends, you should be able to share with eachother how you really feel. My opinion is the reason I actually call people friends are because they have no problem "keeping it real", lol. So I dont think your wrong for saying what you said. At least you have the courage to let him know he's being lame right now. However I do agree with the other friend...dont bother, lol. If he's too busy to even say hi, then just lay low and hope he'll come around.

***pinksugar*** · 07-14-2008, 09:43 PM

ugh. At first, the way you described him with the whinging about having no friends and all, I'm thinking, ok, he's probably like 16. But he's doing a PHD?! whatever the hell man! by that age he should stop being such a baby. And he is - firstly, not talking to you even though you stuck through the good times and bad with him, secondly because it sounds like he's ignoring you and refusing to accept your apology and thirdly because 'grown up' people realise that friendship should be valued and no matter how busy you are, you can always text back and say 'no probs. Sorry I don't have much time at the mo, but we should catch up in X months.'

I say let this friendship drift away, rather than make a big deal about it... when this gf breaks up with him he might realise that he's pushed away all his friends and come and speak to you.

(geez, just reread this, I should kind of harsh, but I think you deserve more from him!)

ninalovesmakeup · 07-14-2008, 09:49 PM

Thanks ladies. I appreciate your advice. I told my bf that I tried contacting him, and he pretty much said "why". I guess I felt like a lot of people don't give him a fair chance, but if makes the same effort he makes with them that he makes with me, then I can understand him not having any friends. I can understand being sad and lonely, but I told him he shouldn't put all his worth and happiness in a relationship especially when he was ready to ditch this girl for another girl that he thought was hotter but never heard from her again. I guess I did my part and reached out and let him know how I was feeling. I apologized to him if it came off the wrong way, so I guess the ball is in his court.

***pinksugar*** · 07-14-2008, 09:53 PM

definitely! In my experience, in most cases (but not all) there is a reason those people don't have more friends. Not least because whenever you're with them they whinge about having no friends, LOL

But I do hope he comes to his senses!

ninalovesmakeup · 07-14-2008, 10:00 PM

Thanks. I do too. I did appreciate his friendship, and our conversations together. I don't know maybe he's just focusing on his relationship.

***SimplyElegant*** · 07-14-2008, 10:03 PM

If he has time to be on AIM/MSN or whatever you use, then he has time to answer an IM even to say that he just has 10-15 minutes to see what's going on with you and how you've been. I think he needs to realize that a friendship takes effort to keep it going and that he needs to give and not just take. Don't make him a priority if he sees you as a last resort to vent to.

Johnnie · 07-15-2008, 07:34 AM

I kind of agree with your bf on this one. If this guy doesn't want to talk to you anymore then let it go. If they break up and he starts talking to you again maybe you can give him the same medicine. Plus, is it that important to try and keep a friend who doesn't want anything to do with you? I don't get it. Hope it all works out!

***Ricci*** · 07-15-2008, 08:49 AM

Let him bring someone else down u dont need negativity

***magneticheart*** · 07-15-2008, 08:49 AM

Your friend is totally taking you for granted! Even though you're friends he can't just drop you when a girl comes along and then expect you to be waiting for him when they're over!
He sounds like a really negative person and maybe it's kind of a good thing that he's not hanging round you as much now because dealing with negative people can get really draining.
I know it's not very nice to think about staying away for a while but maybe you should wait until a time when he does need you again (like if him and this girl have an arguement or split up) and explain to him that it's not nice giving everything in your relationship and not really getting much back and that you're kind of annoyed about how he treats you when there's a girl on the scene.
Hope everything works out for you

ninalovesmakeup · 07-15-2008, 12:20 PM

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I decided that a friendship isn't worth holding on to if the other person doesn't make an effort. I really don't like "some timey" friends. These are the friends that only bother to contact you when they need something from you, whether it be something material or emotional (only contacting you to whine and complain). I told him straight up that I did appreciate his friendship, and it just annoys me that he couldn't even bother to speak to me anymore. He didn't respond to anything I said. I also left a text. No answer either, so I'm dropping it. My bf did make me laugh though. He told me he was the only friend that I needed.

***Adrienne*** · 07-18-2008, 08:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ninalovesmakeup

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I decided that a friendship isn't worth holding on to if the other person doesn't make an effort. I really don't like "some timey" friends. These are the friends that only bother to contact you when they need something from you, whether it be something material or emotional (only contacting you to whine and complain). I told him straight up that I did appreciate his friendship, and it just annoys me that he couldn't even bother to speak to me anymore. He didn't respond to anything I said. I also left a text. No answer either, so I'm dropping it. My bf did make me laugh though. He told me he was the only friend that I needed.

Good for you, a real friend won't ditch you just becuase they've met someone new. And then ditching you for someone who's not even that big of a deal!? What a dumba$$. Just leave him alone and when he comes back trying to kiss up, let him have yet. My sis in law is like that. She only wants to hang out with me when her bf or "better" friends aren't around but as soon as i want to talk to her about something, she doesn't put as much effort into it like i do when i listen to her. So i've stopped really hanging out with her and let her know that just because were family, i'm not gonna be thrown on the back burner for no one.

pretty_pink13 · 07-19-2008, 08:49 PM

Obviously his intentions were trying to get a girlfriend...and now that he has her he thinks he doesn't necessarily need you, yeah I have been throught that numerous times.

It's good that you dropped it because I would have done the same, I also would be careful in the future to be that kind of person who likes to "rescue" people. I am a knows recscuer as in, befriending the people who are depressed, upset and even dating a few because I feel sorry for them. I have learned my lesson from that and now make friendships based on how the person is, not how bad they are doin in life.