[CellyCell]

I'm in a bad funk, atm.
All I've been doing is crying for some days and just highly emotional. This is usually an indication that my period is coming soon, lol but... I think I'm suffering from some sort of mild depression. The thought of that depresses me some more.
There's just a lot of things running through my head lately and it's the same complaint, same feelings, over and over again. I try to change but it's just not working and the more I notice I'm not happy at all. I feel very, very lonely - and I know you guys are there to support me and make me feel good but it's not the same as someone in RL caring for you. No offense, it's appreciated - it's just... not the same. :/

The loneliness feeling I've talked about here before, it started about 2 years ago now. To make this rant shorter, I'm just not close with my dad and being at home all day is taking it's toll. I feel guilty for leaving my house and having fun when my sister (who is mentally retarded) is sick or my parents fight. So if anything, I hang out with my friends like a few times a month and it makes me feel like I can't enjoy my youth at all while I see everyone around me going out a lot and traveling. I envy how everyone has someone thinking about them and even though I do have close friends - they're too busy doing their own thing. I only get texts if I text someone - the person that calls me calls just to talk about her marital affairs. Everyone either has a kid now, or is married, or graduated college - and what have I accomplished? Shit. Everyone has someone.

Knowing all that depresses me even more. I have nothing to show for. I'm lonely and haven't done shit with my life.

I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and I cried. I seriously cried and I've never done that before... I hate my weight and I feel like I'll never loose it. I try and I fail - and most of my insecurity comes from my weight. I feel like it's holding me back from happiness. I don't have a distorted image of myself and I know looks aren't everything but I know I don't attract guys because of my weight. I feel uncomfortable around folks because I feel like the whale in the room. And I've never been nit-picky about my face and now I'm seeing how the only time I feel decent is with makeup on. Then there's my fug hair and my eczema and ****ing cellulite and stretchmarks. It's never ending...

You know the only time I was truly happy was when I was speaking to my ex or whatever I'd label him. It made me feel good knowing I was in his thoughts from the moment he woke up and the time he went to sleep - and I liked being the source of his happiness. That's an awesome feeling and I wish now I had never experienced it because that's all I'm longing for.

I really dunno what I'm talking about it but I had to say it somehow because it's bottling up inside. Even if I'm happy tomorrow, these feelings still linger. I'm just so unhappy and lonely.

[AngelaGM]

Celly,
You are an amazing woman! All your students are so lucky to have you in their lives. You are passionate and funny as hell. It is a shame that I don't know you in "real" life.

[ADSCOSMETICS]

Seriously.. I know we never spoke or wrote each other through MUT, I feel so connected to you. I'm going through my own issues with family and my life is changing drastically. All my life I've felt resentment towards my parents and my sister because she's been the angel in their eyes because she's very much like them and I'm the outcast because I'm so not like them. If I would speak English now, you'd probably understand me. But what I'm trying to say is try, try, try, and try again not to let this get you down. I know myself.. while I was picking out old clothing from my sock/underwear drawers I began to cry, because certain thongs don't fit me anymore (gained almost 20 lbs. in 10 months.) and I wear boyshorts ONLY now because I feel better--er, skinnier-- in them. I sit home all day too helping my mom take care of my niece. I've also become very attached to my fiancee (he works from the house) so when I start school, I know I'm gonna feel miserable there when I usually feel happy there. Believe me, Celia, there are worse things in life to cry about or mope, or even feel depressed about. You're young, beautiful (REALLY), and from what I've read (your comments), you are incredibly funny and outgoing. Instead of crying, do something. Try to fulfill your aspirations and your goals. That's more important than losing a pound and it's much more satisfying. Besides, you have a thousand or more girls here cheering you on. =)

[Aprill]

Awww Celia *hugs* chin up honey, you in my eyes, are very beautiful inside and out, with or without the weight....conditional love

I cant give you much advice because im in the emotional pits as well, but chin up, it will get better....you will see daylight...

[Karen CD FL]

Dear Celly,

I debated if I should respond to your post. After all I could type every cliché' to try to pick up your spirits. Well I could use just use a few :

Honestly, you are a drop dead gorgeous very young woman and at 22 years old you truly do have your whole life ahead of you. And just like all of us, you are going to run into times of highs and lows. You just have to try to ride them out.

I am 50 years old and wish I had the 28 years difference in our ages to do all those things and be all those things I will never have the opportunity to do. But luckily, you do have those years and so much time to be and do what you need.

I do have a wife and a great marriage, but to get that I had several horrible relationships and a very bad first marriage.

In all this, I learned one very special thing which I will tell you:

BEING ALONE IS NOT THE SAME THING AS BEING LONELY!

Try to embrace yourself. Try to learn to love who you are!

After years of bad relationships and a lot of therapy, (I highly recommend finding a good therapist to help you sort through things) I finally came to love myself no matter how big I am, what kind of friends I had and especially being a CD, finding out about myself and learning to accept who I am.

And after that I met my current wife of over 15 years now and we have a wonderful marriage.

You will get through these lows and more than likely you will be low again. BUT that is ok! It adds spice and clarity to your life.

If everyone had a storybook princess existence, our lives would be so boring. Thats is what my wife tells me. She loves me as I am. All of me and always reminds me that with all the ups and downs helps keep our lives very interesting and fulfilled.

I know I have rambled on here and I could type so much more.

I will leave you with this:

Love your life, Love yourself and everything else will follow. I can say this from personal experience. And at least for me it is a universal truth.

I wish you the very best.

[AngelaGM]

We love you here!

[daer0n]

Dude, i know that you said we are here and we support you in a different way, and it doesnt get close to what it would be in real life, but words are words, and when people say them and they mean them it should count for something whether these people are around you IRL or not. I can honestly tell you that i have felt this way before, a lot of times, and more than that the feeling of 'uglyness' and being fat and never looking good enough, being the fat one that no one wants to date or look at or finds attractive at all, which is why i became obsessed with my weight, and started obsessing so much to the point where i had to do something, and i lost it, i am still obsessed with it and its something that doesnt stop, even though i know im not perfect and i dont have a perfect skin either, i still find myself good looking most of the times in the mirror, even without makeup on. Yet, sometimes i look at myself and i feel like i dont look good enough, my kids have broken my body, with stretchmarks, and cellulite, over here and over there, but pfft, honestly, i dont care anymore, i overlook that. I have finally learned to accept myself that way, this body and myself are the only ones i have, without myself, id be...nothing.
Now, you have to look at the bright side of everything, if you just focus on the negativity of it all then it will always look the same, bad. I know its easier said than done but i know well that you can do whatever you want to do and achieve in life Celly, i know it will always sound like a cliche but you are young and have still a lot of time and things that you can do for yourself. Don't think that you are missing out on life just because you can't travel here or there or have a bf, that is not there is to life, first, you have to love yourself to be able to go ahead and move on to new things, so you can have something possitive to support yourself on and do things. Depression only does one thing for you, holds you back, from anything.

Life is made of choices, there is always a choice for everything. We have all made a choice that has taken us to where we are. So you just have to make a choice, and change, change is a choice too. Remember you always have to change things inside for them to be able to change outside. Be yourself and don't think about what other people might think about you, i mean, really, if other people think whatever of you, it will only affect you if YOU want it to affect you.

I personally think that you are a beautiful girl, young, bubbly, fun, and funny, i enjoy talking to you a lot, and if i could, i would hang out with you a lot IRL, unfortunately, i live far away from you, but looking at you in pictures it has never crossed my mind that you are 'fat' or that you have skin problems, or anything like that, you are just a human being just like the rest of us are, and i know, that no one in this world is perfect, as much as they seem to be they are all just human beings with qualities and flaws, we all have them.

Cheer up, this might just be a PMS phase, i go through them all the time myself as well, it will pass, and then when you think about it you'll see that life is not as bad as you see it. *HUGS*
I love you for reals dammit, even when im miles away from you, i mean it! <3333

[CellyCell]

Thank you guys.

I'm contemplating telling my mother I need to see someone because a lot of my feelings can't be changed overnight, I might have depression. There's a whole lot I haven't said on here and I do go on bouts of high and low but mines happen so frequent and out of no where. I just dunno how to go on telling her... I feel embarrassed kinda doing so.

[AngelaGM]

Maybe just go by yourself and go to a Free Clinic? If you have highs and lows you might have Bi Polar Disorder. You are in my thoughts! Please feel free to IM me if you need to talk.

[pinksugar]

OMG I'm not good at explaining myself so I hope this comes out right.

First of all, you're gorgeous. You're funny and outrageous and smart and that makes you attractive. Weight is weight - essentially, no matter how hard it might be to lose that, the person underneath needs to be gorgeous - and that's what you are. With or without the excess baggage you'll always be attractive to people.

Second, I know how you feel. Some days it's like life will just stretch on forever, work, eat, sleep, spend money on things I don't need. Some days I think, the only reason I'm getting out of bed is so Willum can get out of his cage!

But, you know what? we are beautiful and we have a LOT to look forward to. Give yourself a goal you can look forward to, and work toward it. For me, that goal is moving to Europe for a while. It kind of consumes me a bit. I constantly think about what language to learn, where to stay, how expensive it will be, how much I should save, whether I'd be lonely. There is so much to think about, that it takes up the time I used to be worrying about myself.

And, have you tried to exercise? something light like swimming or jogging. The more you do, the more endorphins you'll have, you'll start to feel good, AND lose weight. But don't start to do it for the weight alone. do it for the joy of using your body, of being in the fresh air, all that stuff. Then if you don't lose weight immediately, you won't get discouraged.

Hey, like Nuri, if I was closer, I'd be *****ing at you to get coffee with me every second day! If you ever need to talk, I know it's not the same as IRL, but still. We are here, if you need us.

cheer up!

[CellyCell]

Thanks you guys. I can always count on MUT folks to clear my head a lot.
I asked a friend if he can meet me tomorrow, hopefully he won't flake so I can talk to him about my depression. I never once opened up to someone fully about all my problems. He's been in therapy recently and he's been through a lot of the same things. He tends to get me out of my funk... so yeah. I'll be let down if he cancels though. :/

[Andi]

Originally Posted by CellyCell

Thanks you guys. I can always count on MUT folks to clear my head a lot.
I asked a friend if he can meet me tomorrow, hopefully he won't flake so I can talk to him about my depression. I never once opened up to someone fully about all my problems. He's been in therapy recently and he's been through a lot of the same things. He tends to get me out of my funk... so yeah. I'll be let down if he cancels though. :/

That´s a great idea. It looks like you need someone to help you out in real life, just pull you in the right direction. When you´re depressed (and I´ve been there, 1year of meds and therapy and I can´t even believe I let myself reach such a low point before realizing that I needed help) you´re even too low and unmotivated to ask for help! Crazy, right?

I know I felt very embarrassed to tell my close family members and my closest friends about my depression. That itself felt like yet another failure. I think where you are right now is a good point to start making changes in your life. Therapy can help you pick yourself up from the ground, it helps you help yourself.
Now, I don´t know the details of your everyday life, but just the situation with your sister and your parents sounds like a whole lot to deal with. Honestly, if I was in that situation it would bring me down too, so don´t you feel ashamed for the feelings you have. It´s perfectly normal sometimes.

I don´t know if I´m making any sense here, and I´m so sorry I can´t help you out in person. I would really love to do that, honestly. Out of everyone on here you´re one of those people who everyone loves, I mean, you have such an awesome personality...you instantly attract people that way. I really can´t see how that´d be any different in real life.
And on top of that I can´t agree more with anyone that you´re incredibly gorgeous. And I`m not just saying that, I MEAN it cause I see it.

Hell, I´m skinny and many people would consider me attractive, but there are so many damn days out of a year where I feel ugly and invisible. And I´m also feeling terribly lonely right now, and like a total loser to be honest. I´m actually kinda scared to feel that way since I haven´t felt that way since my depression.
Remember, it´s really not about your looks sweetie, it´s about your attitude. We all hate ourselves sometimes, yet we see other people in a different light. THEY have the perfect bodies, THEY have the perfect lives etc and we don´t measure up to that.
It´s really a lot of BS the way we think sometimes

Sending a big your way. We love you!!!