[GillT]

So, lately things have not been going well. I lost my job that I loved. My dad is in hospital and about to have his ear and lymph nodes amputated due to a tumour. I've just come off of the medication that saved my life (duloxetine) and therefore I'm feeling crap and my PMS is now uncontrolled and I'm on my period.

I lost my job over two weeks ago and have done almost nothing so far to get a new one save registering with one agency, who won't do anything unless I keep pestering them, which I've not done. Saying 'I should give myself a break because stuff is shit' is a bloody cop-out since half the stuff I'm moping about isn't happening to me. I applied for JSA but cancelled the day after since I panicked on the phone having all these questions thrown at me and if I'd gone ahead with the information I'd given I'd be on my way to committing benefit fraud.

Last year I lived on money given to me by my parents. I'm shocked and appalled by this now. Since becoming independent I feel that I've become a better person, not scrounging off people, even though they were happy to give me the money. I feel like I'm going back the way now and I do not want to become so lazy again. The slightest loss of control and I'm wanting to curl up and give up again.

There is something so 'safe' about having a mental illness. It becomes your excuse. Your excuse to yourself. I've tried to become opposite to how I used to be, to be harder on myself, but it feels like a façade, not something I've actually achieved. Like I'm pretending to be hard on myself to then hear other people say I need to give myself a break, making me feel better, and then guilty about the whole thing.

I self-harmed for years (now one year free). I want it again so badly. My arms and legs couldn't possibly look any worse than they do now, so that's no deterrent. My only deterrent is my boyfriend. He would be angry and hurt. He'd have me back at the psychiatrist and I'd get worse because I know myself. That's how I work.

Point of this: How do you motivate yourself? I have no motivation. I can't sleep. I can't 'reward' myself for doing things as that costs money I don't have. I can't handle this since I began to get better and realised that having a job is one of the most important things and it makes me feel better. I just want a job but don't want to do all the stuff I have to to get one because it's only been four months since I last did it. Stupid. I don't know what to do. You'd think my worrying about this would be enough of a kick up the backside but it isn't.

This may seem all very angsty, and it is, but I used to write essays filled with this kind of crap and worse every day. So yeah, in light of that I've improved. I AM a better person. Maybe you'd not know it from this. I'm just getting this out so that I can continue to be better. Sadly MUT is the only place I have for this since the other forum I frequented just propagates negative thoughts.

This post is all over the place and I'm pissed that I've written this to try to justify my laziness to myself. I guess I just needed this out since it just goes round and round in my head. I want to be that better person but part of me wants to go back to how I was. Luckily I want to better more than anything but picking myself back up and getting on with things rather than moping and not getting things done is something I've not got the hang of. I am trying.

[Darla_G]

I think this post is a positive first step. Recognizing that you have issues that must be dealt with is far better than ignoring them and somehow figuring they will go away on your own. I don't think you should be pissed at all. You have access to medical and psychological care and it sounds like you have people around you so maybe in a way you are better off than some people. I'm not trying to minimize it just put it in some perspective.

[Dragonfly]

If I can ask, why are you are going off of duloxetine? Is this your decision or does your doctor feel that it is your best interest to stop?
You are going through a lot of things right now. Plus you are trying to adjust to a lack of medication that you clearly feel has helped you.

I guess my point is, why not put off the duloxetine stoppage until you become more settled in your life?

[S. Lisa Smith]

I have had a major depression. It was in 1984 a few years after my father died. I was devistated by his death and went into a downward spiral... You have come off of a strong antidepressant and it seems like you may be heading back into a depression (note: I am not a Doctor!). It's time for you to go back to your Doctor and let him or her know what's going on!! I think it's past the stage of self help and I have a feeling you do also. It's good that you have vented here, it is an excellent first step. We are here for you and can help you through it, but we need you to see the Doctor! Good luck, PM me if you want to talk.