[laurreenn]

thanks for all the posts ladies! haha i've actually learned a lot.

[LittleMissLilo]

I'm actually going thru this right now. I found out last week. I obviously was really mad about and really sad about it. But my mom raised me to forgive when I felt the need to do so. I did a lot of thinking and yes I forgave him. But of course I didnt forget. Its always gonna live with me for however long. I still think about it, but I honestly know in time that people can change if they really try. So we'll see if its true and he can prove me wrong! =[

[Killah Kitty]

It really depends, there is no one answer to this. I have been cheated on twice (no sex) and I cheated on this guy 11 times and I just ended up telling him.

Like Carolyn said, I dont think we would've forgiven each other if the things that had happened had feelings involved. Each time it was a different person and it meant nothing.

He treated me this way because he had just gotten out of many bad relationships. And I sort of just reacted by acting the same. I know its still not right. I believe in treating someone only as well as they treat you.

Now why we have forgiven each other after all this and decided to stay and work on this? I don't know. We must really love each other. I guess we are both cheaters, but we are both young (Im 18, hes 20), and we want to change, we also have been together 2 and a half years so it feels like so much history to us.

So all the time we try and work on the trust and if we hurt each other any more we know it will be over because it is very hurtful. So we just work together and so far so good we have been happy and often we feel closer and more open with each other than ever before, cause it sort of feels like we been through hell and back and haven't wanted to give up on each other. Its weird to the point I don't understand it. Typically I would've been one that just up and left after being hurt, I don't have a problem finding someone knew, but for some reason Im still here, and so is he, and we are doing our best to not be cheaters anymore, because you know in the end everybody wants someone that will always be there, unconditionally care for them and love them and if you sort of feel it with someone and want to become a better person with someone, perhaps we will get somewhere even after all that betrayal. We say it is in the past and we want it to stay that way. I guess only time will tell. I know I want to change and I have been doing great for 6 months. Him, not as good, and Im not sure if he's all there with me, but I feel like he's getting there.

[kdmakeuparts]

It does not matter to me what issues made somebody think that cheating is justified.
Those issues should have been dealt with before "outside activities."
For us it is an absolute deal-breaker. I will not teach my Daughter that it is acceptable to tolerate such betrayal. Kids know more than we think, trust me I know!

[nanzmck]

if you have a relationship where you keep any secrets, play games, or are just not 100% real with each other, then yeah, cheating would probably be a deal breaker.
i get so frustrated with my friends sometimes because i swear they are trying to live out some kind of Lifetime movie or something with their relationships.
it's not a big deal for me. i love my man too much to condemn him and throw him away for being human.

[pinksugar]

Def. Some interesting responses here!

When we say cheating, do we mean, a one off pash? a one night stand? a prolonged affair over many months with emotional involvement? I think there are levels I would forgive, and levels that I would not forgive.

KD, what I meant when I said that the cir***stances around it must be considered is this:

here was my situation - my boyfriend and I had not been intimate in a really long time (3-6 months) I had tried EVERYTHING you can think of. I adored him, thought I would be with him forever, but the more he pushed me away, the more unattractive I felt. The less we had sex, the less connected we were.

I went on holiday where a particular person (who I've fooled around with when I was single) once again started flirting with me, and one night we got drunk and made out. I know it's not ok, but I was just desperate to feel attractive. I really needed to be wanted, to be loved, and I wasn't getting that from my boyfriend.

Sure, I should have walked away from him, said, look, you're not giving me waht I want anymore and that should have been it. But I was still trying to make it work. The relationship was dead, and here was someone offering me what I so desperately wanted.

I caved. We just kissed, in my opinion that's no big deal, not compared to an affair. There was no emotional involvement, and it took me many months of being pushed so far as to get to that point in the first place.

Was it right? no, it wasn't.

But do I consider myself a serial cheater? hell no. It took me almost a year of trying to salvage the relationship, being rebuffed, feeling like there was something wrong with me, to get to the point where I caved in.

To me, the cheating was a symptom of a much deeper problem and a sign that our relationship was definitely not working. Some might say, I'm a terrible person, I don't have respect for my partner, I'll cheat again -

maybe that's true. But maybe, my cir***stances and sitation were very much a part of what I did. I can honestly say that it would be very unlikely, that is to say, almost impossible, that I would cheat again.

I hope you guys won't all hate me now I wouldn't call myself a bad person, I just had an instance of weakness and I screwed up. I think everyone can be forgiven once. But if I were to be cheated on again, I would most definitely look at myself, and think what I might have done to trigger it, as well as to consider whether hey, he's just an *******.

Cheating is not as simple an issue as it looks! I'd be interested to hear your responses to this since it did take some courage to tell you guys this

[SqueeKee]

I cheated on my husband when we were doing long distance for a year. We had dated for 6 weeks in 2002 then were apart for exactly one year. I had no idea I would actually ever see him again. It was a pretty shitty time in my life.

Had we actually been together in a non-long distance relationship it would have never happened. I would never cheat on him now so I know for a fact that yes, cheaters can change, "Once a cheater always a cheater" is a load of bull, and in some cases it is forgivable.

If Wes cheated on me now, while we are married & living together, sleeping together every night . . . I would be heartbroken of course but I wouldn't walk away. I would ask "what is wrong with our relationship", see if anything is fixable and then make a decision to stay or leave. If our problems were fixable, if he were willing to work for my trust back the way I worked for his, I would try to work it out because this man is my husband, the love of my life and I don't believe in giving up on marriage that easily.

I myself could never do that to him again, no matter how bad things got between us. If I ever felt like I was tempted I would be upfront and tell him about it right away and I would expect him to do the same. There are no lies between us anymore.

[kdmakeuparts]

pinksugar~ I don't think anyone on here would hate you or think badly of you, including myself. I meant for me in my life I don't care what the cir***stances are.
Every couple will handle this situation differently. I think you knew in your heart that your relationship was over. A kiss outside of a dating relationship I am sure can be worked through. IMO.

As for a sexual or emotional affair, I am not buying that it is "human" to do this to someone you love. And my Husband and I do not keep secrets or play games and are "real" with eachother. Which is why we would rather come to eachother and say, I am unhappy, I've been tempted, let's get some help, should the situation every turn that serious.

I don't see leaving your husband or wife for cheating as "giving up on marriage" and it certainly would not be an easy choice.
If either of us cheated that person is the one who gave up. And when trust is broken in that magnitude, it can't be restored. For me anyway. I would drive myself, and him, crazy wondering if he was cheating again.
I could not live like that, or make my family live that way.

Every situation is different. And I certainly don't mean to discount anyones dating relationship, but marriage is different. We made promises to eachother....for life, and if I ever feel that I can't keep those promises then I will tell him so.

And we have children involved now, and I won't stay in a bad relationship just so they have Mommy and Daddy under the same roof. What good would that do if we were miserable. We will always be their parents and always love them, that is most important. And I don't EVER want my daughter to see me the way I saw my Mom, sad and embarressed. My Father cheated and she forgave him, but things were BAD for a long time. They are still together, but that isn't really saying much!

That is why this hits so close to home for me

[ivette]

it all depends if the cheater wants to change

[GlossyAbby]

Rosie I dont think bad of you at all! It happens and you admit it.... I hope you find someone that truly makes you happy!

[Orangeeyecrayon]

I think cheaters can change. my current boyfriend told me before we stated dating that when he was in high school he cheated on his girlfriend. he also told me that since than he had never cheated on any of his other girl friends.
So while i do think people can change, if he ever cheated on me i would never forgive him. because in my mind it is my thinking that if someone lets there significant other get away with cheating with out any ramification than they will just do it again.

[pinksugar]

I definitely agree that marriage is different from dating. I would never have done that if I were married (I would hope!)

I guess in some ways I'm afraid of getting married for that very reason. How awful to have to go through that, ESPECIALLY with children

I'd prefer to never get married at all. I just hope that I will eventually find someone that makes me feel in the deepest most secret part of my heart that he would never, ever do that. (haha, which is why I might end up single and alone )

[fiercely]

I really think it depends on the type of cheating (one night stand vs. long term cheating), whether he would forgive me if I did the same, and how many times he did it. I always take into account what my SO would do if I were to do the same, because if he's going to be forgiving or not, I believe there should be equality as far as boundaries.

[Adrienne]

I think cheating is forgivable but its really hard and takes lots of time to trust that person again. Not many people are willing to put that time into the reltionship to wait and find out if it works or not. Its usually much easier to leave that person and start fresh with someone else.