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Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

post #1 of 29
Thread Starter 
I laughed so hard I cried. I go a wax earlier (posted about the pain lol) and decided to research caring for such an event. I found this story of a womans at home bikini wax....I laughed so hard I cried.

No joke.

Can you imagine if this happened to you??!!


The first thing you should know is that hair removal is not my friend.
The particular talent of removing unwanted hair has eluded me.
True story.
All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy,painless removal - the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now
. ........
'The Wax'.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from
work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the
thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple
hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.
I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I
mean bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a
clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them
apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically
rising crescendo of string instruments in the background. No muss, no
fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but
I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this
works..........................You'd think.
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each
other, stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and
soften the wax (I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the
hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass.
(Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.) I lay the strip across
my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best
feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal
no longer eludes me!
I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin
extraordinaire!
With my next wax strip, I move north.
After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming
one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom
for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and
place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the
wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right
half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass
cheek. (Yeah,it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply. I brace myself.
RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind! Blind from the pain! Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to
pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP!
Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums? OK,
coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered
pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that
is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold
medallist.
But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where
could the wax go, if not on the strip? Slowly, I eased my head down, my
foot still perched on the toilet. I see hair - the hair that should be
on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the
ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!" And realize I have just begun
living my own personal version of "The Tar Baby."
I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that
is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big
mistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the
toilet. I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down
on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? Sealed shut.
Ass? Sealed shut.
A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to potty anytime
soon. Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the bathroom
trying desperately to figure out what I should do next. Hot water!
Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in -
the
wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong. I
get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit.
Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. So
now I'm stuck to the tub.
I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so
surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's
never good to start a conversation with "So my nether regions are stuck
to the tub." She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress
laughter.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass - "Are we talking
cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the
giggles now.
I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the
number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where
the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at
XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd
just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know.
You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them
the truth.
"While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the
wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies
than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and
THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!
In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to
other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the
lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start
screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations
from C and we hang up.
I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the
hair is still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was
numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my
medicine cabinet. Never know when a moustache might start to come in.
Tonight, I attempt hair dying




OMG!!!!
post #2 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

Omg LOL! Ouch.
post #3 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

Oh my, that would have been awful, poor lady!
post #4 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

Omg that was definitely super funny. I recall something similar happening to me when I tried to do a bikini wax at home. No, no ass crack shutting involved but I definitely had dry wax stuck to my goodies and no alternative to removing it than inch by painful inch. There where dots of blood everywhere, it was slow and horrible. The wax is still sitting there until I forget how much it hurted and try again lol.
post #5 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

That was hilarious lol
post #6 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

LOL. yeesh
post #7 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

LOL! Yikes!
post #8 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

Wow your great with words(hilarious!!)
omg u poor thing
omg your so funny
damn wax crap kits


Opps! u didnt write this but nevertheless funny!!
post #9 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

lol ouch.

I just cringed at your experience.
post #10 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

that was priceless! thanks for sharing!
post #11 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

Oh my gosh that's so funny, that poor lady! That story definitely makes me never want to wax at home!
post #12 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

I just started laughing at my computer and got some strange looks!!!! very funny!!
post #13 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

well that sucks, but that has got to be the funniest thing ever.
post #14 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

Hilarious!! Definatley not a DIY experience!!
post #15 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

LOL!!!!!!! thats an epic story
post #16 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

post #17 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

LOL! Sounds like something that would happen to me.
post #18 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

And that is why I refuse to use wax! LOL.
post #19 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

ouch the poor woman, though i couldnt help but laugh
post #20 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

lmao....bikini waxing definitely is not for the faint of heart....I tried to once and finally had to ask my husband to rip it off because it was WAY too painful to do it myself....but every once and a while I'll still get the urge to attempt the self-torture again.....I'm just waiting for the walmart nearby to start carrying the sally hansen brazilian bikini wax...I heard it's good and it works
post #21 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

LMAO!!! That was hilarious!

I had those wax strips before, and although I didn't do anything like what she did, I too found that they were COMPLETELY useless. Just got wax all over me and not a single hair pulled out. Unimpressed.
post #22 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

haha this is too funny!
post #23 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

The pain must have been terrible!! But the detail and description are just so amazingly funny. We were in stitches. Keep up the writing as the way it was related in the post was the best part!
post #24 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

That really cracked me up!

I tried wax strips once a few years ago and not only was it painful, it didn't even get the hairs out!
post #25 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

OMG! That sounds so painful, yet it's soo funny!
post #26 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

post #27 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

awww i'm so sorry that happend to you! those wax strips don't work at all!!
post #28 of 29

Re: Worst at home bikini wax story...loL!

wow that was hilarious!! I feel so bad for that woman!! Sounds so painful!
post #29 of 29

OMG.  That is the funniest version I have seen since this story started making it's rounds.  A gut buster for real.claps.gif   Sincerely with wet panties....Bonnie

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