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Nitya

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I'm making more changes for the better. And I'm certain what started it was joining  the Pan It Up bandwagon. 

Hubs has quit smoking a month ago because his doctor didn't like the sound of his lungs (they're good. Just a smoker's wheezing sound). I didn't think I was ready to quit just yet, but I was determined I would, as when you're not exposed to second hand smoke seems like a good time to give it up. Nearly a month later, I was feeling virus-ey, and having a cigarette almost made me physically want to throw up. But I continued to smoke through the nausea, until I noticed I had only five cigs left. I decided I would smoke those, then, fed up and nauseated, simply not get new ones. And I did just that. It'll be two weeks this saturday, and it's hasn't been nearly as difficult as we're lead to believe. All those statistics and articles about nicotine being a helluva addictive drug make you think you'll have to check into rehab or something, and I think they actually discourage people from attempting to quit because they make it sound like a gruelling process only the most exceptional superhumans can go through. I am not a person of strong will power or self discipline at all, and I don't find it difficult. The only "cravings" I get are related to habit- I used smoking as a way of stealing five minutes of alone time. In company, I used it as a shield against the other person, as in, being primarily involved with the act of smoking, I pushed the person to the periphery and made myself less uncomfortable. I used it to collect myself in bad moments, and to celebrate good ones. So it's just been this learned reaction to reach for a cig at certain moments that I'm having to unlearn, but it's nothing terrible. I miss smoking quite a lot, it gives a certain comfort psychologically. But I don't understand the exaggerated portrayals of abstaining.

 

On the vain side of things, I'm no longer willing to simply accept that work ruins my hands like this. So I'm on a religious hand, nail and cuticle treatment mission. Currently impatiently trying to grow out a nail that broke way down to the nail bed. Trying a dyi garlic polish this weekend, will report on the efficacy and the smell lol. 

Used up the felce azzura, a body moisturizer, peppermint oil, and lost a lipgloss (it was a good one, but still, that is one less to use up). 

I have stopped obsessively buying fragrances. None of them are "lifechangingly good" lol, even if they have raging reviews, popularity, and iconic status. Also, a sales girl had asked me whether I buy them for gifts or whether it's all for myself, and I felt so uncomfortable. Like an alcoholic called out on their habit. Seriously. It made me not want to go back any time soon, and they have the best prices, so I don't want to buy elsewhere either. I'm grateful to her, lol, she saved me some shelf space, sanity, and money. 

I have been eating too much, and none of it was even remotely healthy. My stomach hurts pretty much all the time, and I'm gaining weight fast. So this is next on the list. 

I'm realizing that an "improvement" tendency has crept up on me. Usually, before attempting any positive changes, I'd wait to feel like it's the right time. I'd think about it for weeks or months to feel in the right headspace, then wait to also feel a corresponding emotional charge. So, imaginably, I haven't been one quick to improve on myself or my habits. I'm surprised that despite having had almost no motivation, no excitement, not much premeditation, and feeling overall blah, some habits seemed to just change themselves. Been a cosmetics hamster, along came Edith. Been a fragrance junkie, until having been underwhelmed one too many times, and called out by a teenage cashier. Been a die hard smoker, until I was forced to smoke outside with a cold  so as to not expose hubs to it. I mean, I'm a slug, and not even I am totally recalcitrant. That's kind of eye opening to me. None of that "making positive changes" is reserved for superhumans. Must sound really odd that that's news to me, but it is. 

 

How's everyone been?? 

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Hi Nitya, great article! I'm so happy for you. But I'm not surprised - you are a wonderful smart and creative person!

Now I had the same thing happen with the cashier. I was buying tons of products at this bath and body store, and the sales girl asked, "Are any of these gifts?" I said, "No they are all for me!" Then I felt ashamed. :blush2: Why do they care if they're gifts? When I was in college, my friend and I used to go to the mall all the time to shop. We were English literature majors, and we were learning about a poem called "My Last Duchess" (Robert Browning). It's about a greedy rich man, and ends with him talking about something an artist made FOR ME. FOR ME are the last two words in the poem. My memories of the poem are vague, but I remember the professor talking about how FOR ME was emphasized at the end of the line to show a bad character. So my friend and I, when we purchased something in the mall, would walk around saying FOR ME! FOR ME! and laugh and laugh. We had fun times. 

I eat too much and have tummy aches too. I'll tell you a secret. Why am I into panning? I want to be rich! I don't want to worry about money, and want to be able to eat and shop and enjoy life! So really it's not virtuous at all, but only to have more FOR ME - and to make my family members happy too, of course. The problem is I want to get out of debt so I will be comfortable, but I also want to buy everything NOW. 

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