I also do not think this is a case of your husband trying to manipulate you. It is extremely difficult for somebody to come out with an issue like this, especially in a society that very often shuns people who cross dress, are gay/lesbian, etc. We just went to the Gay Pride Festival in Vancouver and we got to overhear a lot of people talking about their coming out experiences, and not all were positive, to say the least. I would NOT want to be in their position, suffice it to say.
My son once asked me what I would do if he grew up to be gay or a cross dresser. I told him it wouldn't matter to me, that what mattered to me is that he grew up to be a loving, caring and accepting person. His question came out of being around gay/lesbian/cross dressers when I worked in the music industry and my then husband's band sometimes performed for the Pride festival. As far as I know, he does not now cross dress, but it wouldn't matter to me one way or the other. I love him for who he is, and if part of who he is is a cross dresser or a gay man or anything else, so be it. He is still my son. I also would not discuss this with anybody as I would not want to break the trust and respect between my son and myself.
That being said, that is different again from my own husband being a cross dresser. Personally, I would not discuss something like this with my friends as it in no way involves them/does not affect them and I know damn well that my doing so could open my husband up to ridicule and to be shunned, and unfairly so. Society is still not as accepting of gay/lesbian/TS/TV people as it should be, and that's a fact. I love my husband and respect him for the person he is and the way he has always treated me - with respect and devotion - so I would likely ask him if he felt he needed counseling anf find some for him if so, as well as some marriage counseling for US if necessary. And yes, I am well aware of the fact that it could wind up with him leaving me. I love him enough to realize that sometimes people have things come up in their lives and that he in no way intended to hurt me. This is a lot different than having a spouse cheat, which is a deliberate act with the person doing the cheating knowing it will hurt their husband/wife. I would also know that the reason this came up at the time it did is because he finally felt he could trust me enough with this and be open with me. Not an easy thing to do for anybody. Even people who think of themselves as so-called 'normal' hide things from their spouses for fear of being rejected or humilliated. None of us is perfect, and none of us is 'normal', as much as we would like to think we are. What is 'normal' for me may not be for you, and vice versa. I don't want somebody deciding for me, my husband or my kids what is 'normal' and what is not.
If you love him enough to stick it out around figure out if your relationship can get through this- I have no way of knowing if this is the case and no I do not mean try and talk him out of this like there is something wrong with him - then sit down and talk to him, rather than giving him ultimatums that you will sleep with other men, etc. Those are threats, and will be percieved as such. Is he willing to go to marriage counselling? Does he feel he needs to go to counseling on his own? How can you guys make things work? Do you guys want to make things work? etc You married him for a reason, because you loved him. If that is still the case, then it only makes sense to try and work things out. And try imagining what it must be like for him, on his side of things. I'm sure he is feeling scared and insecure, along with a mountain of other feelings that only he is feeling. That would be a very lonely place to be in a person's life.