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Desertflower

hubby is a cross dresser

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We don’t have children and he is a good man otherwise he just likes to wear women’s clothes.  My husband started out shortly after we were married by wanting to try on my evening gown. I thought he was being funny and said ok. This was about ten years ago. He now wears bra and panties every day and most nights he sleeps in long silky nightgowns. I may come home and find him in a long maxi dress or short skirt and he lounges in bra and slips panties and hose.

I do have a couple questions. I posted here instead of talking to my girl friends for a reason and need input. I could talk to one of my girls friends but they all know him and not sure they would blab…Or would you care?..Ladies with cross-dressing husbands have you talked to your friends that know your husband?

 

My second thought is I will not leave him but I told him that if he wants to do this I want to start sleeping with MEN !! I am not sure if I should pursue that and his only response is he wants me happy and does not want me to leave him…should I?..he is terrified I may leave him. 

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Sounds like you have a classic case of him knowing he had a tendency to be a cd before marriage, but never disclosed this to you until walked down the aisle.

 

I date a cd. I definatetly would never discuss my relationship with my friends. At least the fact that my boyfriend is a cd anyways.

 

Begs the question why?

 

Do you want your friends to encourage you to leave your husband or give you permission to have an affair?

 

Your husband is who he is - he is not going to change. If you have trouble accepting his cd "lifestyle", maybe you should consider talking to a therapist.

 

At least you will get honest insight from a qualified individual that will keep your marriage confidential while you sort through your feelings. 

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in response to "begs the question why?

 

For no other reason than sometimes you need to talk to a close friend which I have not done. That is why I am here. No he is not going to change anymore than you and I or anyone else would ever change. None the less It's nice to come here and chat and vent...:) But you are right i believe this was going on long before we met.

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This is something you need to think about: forget the fact that he's a cross dresser for a second and concentrate on the situation. He definitely knew he was a CD BEFORE you two got married and he withheld that information from you until after you had vowed to be with him "till death do you part". this is a manipulation tactic and it's not a tactic that someone uses once and then never again this is a personality trait, and chances are he's very familiar with using it. If he'll hide this information from you until it's too late to do anything about it (or at least easily do anything about it) then what else does he hide from you? 

 

Honesty is the most important thing in a relationship. two people can get through hell and high water together if they are honest and communicative.

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KaeceeLove I think you're completely wrong about this.   It's not necessarily a manipulation tactic, but a matter of feeling secure and comfortable in a relationship before you discuss the most intimate detail about oneself.  Perhaps he should have been a bit more forthright while you were dating or just before you were married, but maybe he was scared of what the result might be. 

 

Crossdressing with few exceptions within the entertainment industry is not well accepted by society.  Acceptance is a huge issue for most CDs.   and contrary to common stereotypes most CDs do NOT want to become women. nor are many of them gay.   Anyway I imagine these are questions that you have posed directly to him, right?

 

I think if this is a major issue in your relationship then you need to discuss this with him.   Tell him you don't mind him doing this but there are times perhaps you would prefer he not do this. There need to be some boundaries.  If he truly loves you he will respect your wishes and truly be thankful that he has a partner that at least accepts him. 

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My boyfriend is a cross dresser and honestly we have a lot of fun with it.  What's the difference in him wearing your clothing versus you putting on his shirt or wearing something non-feminine?  I think ithere are a lot worse things your husband could be doing, now if he's putting a favorite Chanel sweater on and leaving makeup on the collar or stretching out your shoes that's an entirely different issue. I think it says a lot about your marriage that he can share such intimate information, he trusts you and that is something very valuable in any relationship.  There are many men that hide that part of their life but he's opened himself up to you because of a bond you two share.

 

I shop for my boyfriend and love surprising him with trinkets, in return he treats me like a princess!  Knowing how long it takes me to get ready is never an issue, he waits and doesn't complain.  I get fabulous lingerie for no reason and he never has to ask my size.  There are many positive aspects to dating a cross dresser, if I were you I'd embrace the situation, you can have a lot of fun with it and it.

 

My girlfriends don't know my boyfriend dresses, two of my male friends do and they didn't bat an eye. 

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Originally Posted by Darla View Post

 

KaeceeLove I think you're completely wrong about this.   It's not necessarily a manipulation tactic, but a matter of feeling secure and comfortable in a relationship before you discuss the most intimate detail about oneself.  Perhaps he should have been a bit more forthright while you were dating or just before you were married, but maybe he was scared of what the result might be. 

 

Crossdressing with few exceptions within the entertainment industry is not well accepted by society.  Acceptance is a huge issue for most CDs.   and contrary to common stereotypes most CDs do NOT want to become women. nor are many of them gay.   Anyway I imagine these are questions that you have posed directly to him, right?

 

I think if this is a major issue in your relationship then you need to discuss this with him.   Tell him you don't mind him doing this but there are times perhaps you would prefer he not do this. There need to be some boundaries.  If he truly loves you he will respect your wishes and truly be thankful that he has a partner that at least accepts him. 

 

I totally agree!

There are many things people can be ashamed of due to their upbringing or due to what society says is "normal". People can bury fantasies and feelings for decades in fear of being ridiculed, or often they think these feelings will go away one day, so not being open about their feelings can kinda stop them from being real I guess?

Keeping these kind of secrets is not a "manipulative tactic"! Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

 

To the OP,

you seem to be fairly accepting of your husband´s crossdressing, which is great. If you don´t mind me asking though, why do you want to sleep with other men? Do you feel like your husband is not masculine enough anymore due to his CD or is it something else? I think couple´s therapy may be a better option for both of you, I can only imagine this isn´t an easy situation to deal with.

 

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I'm piping in on the issue of talking to friends about his crossdressing and hiding his CDing from you until far into the relationship.

 

Coming out or being outed to people is very strategic and important.  You can lose your job, your friends, your family and even your life if it's the wrong time, person and/or place.  It's been a long time since I socially transitioned(I'm transsexual), and I did so very young, so I've been fortunate in some ways.  It's for the most part not the everyday issue it once was, but it's the skeleton in the closet that can screw me over at any time.  His CDing can have a lot of the same effects when the secret is out.  He can suffer immensely at the hands of the close minded and once that secret is out, it can bite him in the butt at any time.

 

I second the idea to talk to a therapist who won't be spreading rumors around like a friend or acquaintance might.  

 

As far as hiding this from you, I know it isn't the same with my TS status, but I've always came out before a relationship got to the point of even a passionate kiss or making out; and even then I've had more than a few times hat someone was disgusted and left(usually after making me feel like less than nothing :( ).  In the trans community there is debate over what people think should be the coming out point in a relationship.  For CDs it probably is different, but I know for damn sure I'd want to know about something they consider that important to hide before I got married to them.  It may also be different because most CDs are heterosexual males dating women; women who generally take the news of gender variance related issues better than your average heterosexual male.

 

Whatever you do, I hope you find what you're looking for.

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Well said.  I totally agree.  I think it is easier to accept when there are parameters to how far this is going to go and you can regain a bit of control over your relationship.  Right now I'm sure you are feeling like your life is spinning out of control and you don't know what other 'surprises' may show up.  

 

Originally Posted by Darla View Post

KaeceeLove I think you're completely wrong about this.   It's not necessarily a manipulation tactic, but a matter of feeling secure and comfortable in a relationship before you discuss the most intimate detail about oneself.  Perhaps he should have been a bit more forthright while you were dating or just before you were married, but maybe he was scared of what the result might be. 

 

Crossdressing with few exceptions within the entertainment industry is not well accepted by society.  Acceptance is a huge issue for most CDs.   and contrary to common stereotypes most CDs do NOT want to become women. nor are many of them gay.   Anyway I imagine these are questions that you have posed directly to him, right?

 

I think if this is a major issue in your relationship then you need to discuss this with him.   Tell him you don't mind him doing this but there are times perhaps you would prefer he not do this. There need to be some boundaries.  If he truly loves you he will respect your wishes and truly be thankful that he has a partner that at least accepts him. 



 

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Originally Posted by Desertflower View Post

We don’t have children and he is a good man otherwise he just likes to wear women’s clothes.  My husband started out shortly after we were married by wanting to try on my evening gown. I thought he was being funny and said ok. This was about ten years ago. He now wears bra and panties every day and most nights he sleeps in long silky nightgowns. I may come home and find him in a long maxi dress or short skirt and he lounges in bra and slips panties and hose.

I do have a couple questions. I posted here instead of talking to my girl friends for a reason and need input. I could talk to one of my girls friends but they all know him and not sure they would blab…Or would you care?..Ladies with cross-dressing husbands have you talked to your friends that know your husband?

 

My second thought is I will not leave him but I told him that if he wants to do this I want to start sleeping with MEN !! I am not sure if I should pursue that and his only response is he wants me happy and does not want me to leave him…should I?..he is terrified I may leave him. 

 

It was hard enough for your husband to share the intimate details of cross dressing with you, considering he hasn't told your girlfriends this very personal information himself, you should ask yourself if it would be worth hurting your husband if they disapproved?  My boyfriend is the very last man on earth anyone would suspect of cross dressing, he's conservative, well known in the community and a very successful businessman, I wouldn't want my girlfriends to know for his sake,  I wouldn't do a thing to ever hurt him or betray his trust. Before I told either of my male friends I asked my boyfriend's permission and it was fine.

 

If you love your husband why would you risk emotional damage to your marriage by having sexual relationships with men outside of your marriage?  You're not only risking your marriage you're physically endangering your health as well as your husband's.  Is it worth losing your marriage over?  Compromise goes a long way in this world.  Like others here, I'd suggest the two of you talking to a qualified therapist.  Keep an open mind and an open heart.....there is a reason you married him and have been together for 10 years.

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You two need to see a therapist to work this situation out, ideally one who has some experience with gender identity issues. Also, there is a site with support forums for (mainly) crossdressers and their SO's, Crossdressers.com , and there are quite a few wives and girlfriends there who you can contact. After 10 postings in general, you can join the closed forum for females at birth where the wives and SO's have privacy to discuss things. They probably know what you're going through and may be able to suggest ways to deal with your situation.

 

Good luck!

Carol

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does he get drunk and hit you?...is he a cheater?..does he do drugs?..if not then being a CD will not change a thing.but it could be a ton of fun for you and him..i have been a CD for years..still have the same beautiful lady and we do everything together...its workable..i agree with the others..set some boundries and see a counsler if needed..you may just find you have a great husband with a very unique and femee other side who can understand YOU better than 99% of the so called "normal guys"...

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Quote:

ma·nip·u·late

 [muh-nip-yuh-leyt]
–verb, -lat·ed, -lat·ing.
1.
to manage or influence skillfully, especially in an unfairmanner: to manipulate people's feelings.
2.
to handle, manage, or use, especially with skill, in someprocess of treatment or performance: to manipulate a largetractor.
3.
to adapt or change (accounts, figures, etc.) to suit one's purpose or advantage.

 

 
Im not trying to start an argument, if you "disagree" thats fine but this is a fact: he left out important information about who he is in order to influence her judgment on him. this is by definition manipulation. But Desertflower I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, we aren't there and aren't a part of it, we don't know everything that's at play. We can give you our input from an outsider's point of view but only you know what's right for you, obviously if you are coming to people to talk about it, it is a problem. You just have to decide if your relationship with your husband is worth overcoming this problem or not. Go with your gut. Good Luck girl.

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Originally Posted by KaeceeLove View Post

 

 

 

 
Im not trying to start an argument, if you "disagree" thats fine but this is a fact: he left out important information about who he is in order to influence her judgment on him. this is by definition manipulation.

 

 

Kaecee, 

 

I will ask you a simple (rhetorical) question:  Did you tell your husband EVERYTHING you did or thought before you were married?  Tell him about every partner, former boyfriend, etc. you ever had?  Everything that you ever did or thought that was embarassing or humiliating to you?  If you didn't, doesn't THAT meet your definition of "manipulation?" 

 

I think that your trying to paint Desertflower's hubby as a bad guy when none of us know him is a big mistake.  I agree with the last part of your statement and it is for the two of them to work out. 

 

 

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Originally Posted by Debglam View Post

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kaecee, 

 

I will ask you a simple (rhetorical) question:  Did you tell your husband EVERYTHING you did or thought before you were married?  Tell him about every partner, former boyfriend, etc. you ever had?  Everything that you ever did or thought that was embarassing or humiliating to you?  If you didn't, doesn't THAT meet your definition of "manipulation?" 

 

I think that your trying to paint Desertflower's hubby as a bad guy when none of us know him is a big mistake.  I agree with the last part of your statement and it is for the two of them to work out. 

 

 

 

You've blown everything I've had to say out of proportion. for the sake of keeping the peace (and because appeasing you isn't my main focus in this thread) I'm not going to go further into it.

 

Desertflower I just want you to know that in no way am I trying to label your husband as a bad guy. I just want you to know that had it been my husband I wouldn't worry about him being a crossdresser because you can work past that. I would ask him why he has so little confidence in my ability to accept and love him for who he is that he felt he had to hide it from me for so long. That would be my personal issue if I were in your shoes. But I'm not so if you completely disagree with me then thats understandable and fee free to ignore my advice. everyone is different thats the beauty of asking other people's opinions. You get things from different perspectives.  Some you will agree with and others you will chalk up to utter bulls*** Feel free to do either with my advice. :)

 

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I totally agree with the other's that suggest you speak to a therapist.  I think that's who you should be talking to about this.  It obviously bothers you to an extent, or you wouldn't be asking questions about it here.  There's nothing wrong with accepting it or not accepting it.  It's completely up to you as to whether or not you can handle it.  I'm not a close minded person, but I don't think that I could handle my husband sleeping in nighties and such.  So you are much more accepting than I am.  Good for you that you can accept it, especially since it was thrown at you after you said, "I do." My hubby kinda pulled a fast one on me with the "I do", too.  He promised me he would want more children once we were married.  Once married, he now doesn't want any more children.  I'm not accepting that though!  I told him before we got married that this topic would be a deal breaker.  Well, he promised and I'm going to hold him to it.  We only have 2 more years until our only child graduates and he's telling me that he doesn't want to start over.  Well, I call bs on that!  I still want one of my own!  So I'm working on him.  Now if only our teenager would act more adult like and I think hubby would be more apt to say yes.  But our only child is a HANDFUL!  Can't wait for the two years to go by! LOL

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In a few words, I would tell you that Darla has it to rights and so has  Carol.   There is little to add, except to tell you that he is not alone in his crossdressing wishes.  He probably loves you more than you can imagine and that is one reason that I would advise you not to go and discuss this with a friend.  Unless of course that friend has a husband with similar desires.  Anyway, if the friend has no experience of the situation there is little that she will be able to do to help you and your husband to reach an understanding together.

~Samm

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I also do not think this is a case of your husband trying to manipulate you. It is extremely difficult for somebody to come out with an issue like this, especially in a society that very often shuns people who cross dress, are gay/lesbian, etc. We just went to the Gay Pride Festival in Vancouver and we got to overhear a lot of people talking about their coming out experiences, and not all were positive, to say the least. I would NOT want to be in their position, suffice it to say.

 

My son once asked me what I would do if he grew up to be gay or a cross dresser. I told him it wouldn't matter to me, that what mattered to me is that he grew up to be a loving, caring and accepting person. His question came out of being around gay/lesbian/cross dressers when I worked in the music industry and my then husband's band sometimes performed for the Pride festival. As far as I know, he does not now cross dress, but it wouldn't matter to me one way or the other. I love him for who he is, and if part of who he is is a cross dresser or a gay man or anything else, so be it. He is still my son. I also would not discuss this with anybody as I would not want to break the trust and respect between my son and myself.

 

That being said, that is different again from my own husband being a cross dresser. Personally, I would not discuss something like this with my friends as it in no way involves them/does not affect them and I know damn well that my doing so could open my husband up to ridicule and to be shunned, and unfairly so. Society is still not as accepting of gay/lesbian/TS/TV people as it should be, and that's a fact. I love my husband and respect him for the person he is and the way he has always treated me - with respect and devotion - so I would likely ask him if he felt he needed counseling anf find some for him if so, as well as some marriage counseling for US if necessary. And yes, I am well aware of the fact that it could wind up with him leaving me. I love him enough to realize that sometimes people have things come up in their lives and that he in no way intended to hurt me. This is a lot different than having a spouse cheat, which is a deliberate act with the person doing the cheating knowing it will hurt their husband/wife. I would also know that the reason this came up at the time it did is because he finally felt he could trust me enough with this and be open with me. Not an easy thing to do for anybody. Even people who think of themselves as so-called 'normal' hide things from their spouses for fear of being rejected or humilliated. None of us is perfect, and none of us is 'normal', as much as we would like to think we are. What is 'normal' for me may not be for you, and vice versa. I don't want somebody deciding for me, my husband or my kids what is 'normal' and what is not.

 

If you love him enough to stick it out around figure out if your relationship can get through this- I have no way of knowing if this is the case and no I do not mean try and talk him out of this like there is something wrong with him - then sit down and talk to him, rather than giving him ultimatums that you will sleep with other men, etc. Those are threats, and will be percieved as such. Is he willing to go to marriage counselling? Does he feel he needs to go to counseling on his own? How can you guys make things work? Do you guys want to make things work? etc You married him for a reason, because you loved him. If that is still the case, then it only makes sense to try and work things out. And try imagining what it must be like for him, on his side of things. I'm sure he is feeling scared and insecure, along with a mountain of other feelings that only he is feeling. That would be a very lonely place to be in a person's life.

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It's too bad DesertFlower hasn't been back to tell us how things went.

 

....  there's enough lipstick for everyone wink.gif

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What happened to her?  

Originally Posted by Darla View Post

It's too bad DesertFlower hasn't been back to tell us how things went.

 

....  there's enough lipstick for everyone wink.gif



 

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Originally Posted by divadoll View Post

 

What happened to her?  

 

 

 

Dunno but she hasn;t been back.  hopefully we didn't all scare her off

 

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If you look at posting #5 in this thread, it appears that she made her decision at that point and isn't looking for any more input. Looks like she was looking to jettison the relationship, and as soon as someone else agreed with her, she was through here. In my opinion, we ought to let this thread die at this point, unless she comes back and wants more advice. 

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