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starwberry

bf added his ex on facebook

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hey guys, i'm new to this site. haven't made posts/threads yet, haha. but idk i just wanted to rant

 

i just noticed my boyfriend added his ex-girlfriend from like 2 years ago on facebook today. i've wondered before if he still thinks about her or anything, i know that he really liked her and then she ended up like screwing him over or something, and they just kinda stopped talking and she moved on, etc.

i know it's just facebook, but he's told me in the past why there's no reason why he'd ever try to have a friendship with an ex because there's no point to it. he's not friends with any other exes.

should i call him out on this? it's really frustrating me. he tells me how much he loves me all the time, wants to marry me, stuff like that, but now that i see he's friends with an ex from a long time ago all of a sudden that he reallyyy liked, it worries me and makes me think she's on his mind all the time. :/

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I have 'friended' people that I've not seen in 25 years in Facebook.  Why should you be worried?  You can see if he comments on her wall and what he comments.  

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@annelle i trust him in that i know he won't ever cheat on me. but he has lied to me about little things in the past before when i have trusted him. i'm 99% sure he added her, because he always adds people, and she was the one who was ignoring him and moved on immediately and stuff.  i'm not so much worried that he'll try to reconnect with her as i am that he's just thinking about HER while he's with me. it's not healthy

 

@divadoll he used to be friends with her, even still has pictures with her up on facebook, but un-friended her when they broke up, because that's just how he is. now that he all of a sudden is friends with her again, it just makes me feel weird, because i feel like he's been thinking about her a lot recently.

i'm just worried that he still thinks about her a lot :/ like if he still has some feelings for her deep down. i don't want to be with him if he stil has feelings for anyone

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Originally Posted by starwberry View Post

i'm just worried that he still thinks about her a lot :/ like if he still has some feelings for her deep down. i don't want to be with him if he stil has feelings for anyone

 

It sounds to me like you should approach him and find out.  If he does still have feelings for her and you don't want to be with him, then it's better to end it now, rather than waiting for things to get worse later.  If he doesn't have feelings for her, then you can be confident that you're just overreacting over nothing. You said so yourself, he always adds people, so he might have felt that he's moved on, has a new girlfriend, and can re-add her to his facebook again.  It'll probably be best to figure out from him or through him what his actual thoughts are so you don't need to be worried about the "what if" thoughts you think he might have.

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Who cares about Facebook. If he wants to reconnect with her there is always a telephone. Or a coffee shop.

 

You need to ask yourself why you are with a guy that makes you so insecure.

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I think I would have been concerned about the fact that he kept photos of them together up on FB even after they broke up. That would bother me, personally, as people generally don't do that once they have split up unless they have not moved on from the relationship in their mind or heart. Had a bf like that in my 20s who claimed it meant NOTHING that he kept photos of his ex laying around and the ring he had given her, etc. I ended up dumping him as I just could not shake the feeling that something was VERY wrong with the situation. No kidding, with her old ring always sitting out for me to see. They got back together almost immediately, so in that case I do believe I was right and am glad I dumped the bugger. I later found out they were having sex behind my back before I even dumped him. Sleaze monkey!

 

Then again, my husband has some people on his FB friends list who were girlfriends over 10 to 15 years ago who are also on my friends list, which doesn't bother me at all, but he also doesn't post photos of them together from that time. If that was the case, I might give it second thoughts. But, generally speaking, that was a very long time before he met me and he did have a life before that time, so I can't very well expect him to avoid everybody he might have known in the past - male or female - anymore than I would want him to expect that of me. And, then yet *again*, he has also never lied to me about anything I would be concerned about. As far as I know :-) However, I think we all lie to our spouses to some degree, much like I hid the bags I bought a little while ago in the trunk of the car, which technically is not a lie. But in my book deliberately hiding something is a deception so therefor is a lie anyways. He lies to me about NOT feeling sick when he actually is feeling really crap, just because he doesn't want to worry or bother me, as he says. It irritates me, but it's not something I can really hang him up to dry for, either :-)

 

Definitely talk to him and pay attention to what you are feeling. Often our intuition lets us know something is wrong long before we find out for sure and you did say he is not 'friends' with any of his other ex-s Only you know if you can really trust him in the end.

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thanks you guys so much for the replies : )

i ended up telling him my concern earlier today (at work, through a text :x i know, not so great) but everything turned out well.

he told me she added him out of the blue recently (which i don't believe, what're the chances she adds him right when he starts adding a bunch of other new friends from his military tech school?) and he added her, but he does not think about her or want to reconnect with her or anything, or even cares about being her friend. then he sent me a long message on facebook, telling me how much he loves me and how once i told him my concern, he deleted her right away because we don't have time for "shenanigans" like this, or have any room to have any sort of worries and distrust and stuff like that. (don't know if i mentioned it before, but we're in a long-distance relationship because he just started air force tech school in san antonio, and i'm in CA)

i feel kinda like he knows he did something shady so now he's trying to make it up to me. he sent me that long message telling me how much he loved me, sent me some texts telling me how much he loved me, other facebook stuff... haha. so everything's fine i guess... i didn't ask more about why he added her, because i was at work and didn't want to get into anything. i'm not about to start anything else. i think it's stupid that anything happened, but whatever.

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oh and @satojoko, the pics with the ex don't bother me. he has only like 2 pictures with her, in an album from a trip when he visted back home for a while, a few years ago. only time they've ever bothered me before is when we're on facebook together and i click on them and like ask him questions about the picture and he'll get kinda quiet like he doesn't want to talk about it... or talk about the girl.

i do trust my intuition immensly and i feel like it's always served me well, and i'm glad i had the guts to ask him about why he added her, and he explained everything and realized it wasn't cool. even though i know he was lying about how she "added him out of the blue", i know that he knows i know what's up (lol), and as long as that's established i feel fine.

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Originally Posted by starwberry View Post

i do trust my intuition immensly

 

even though i know he was lying about how she "added him out of the blue"

Trust issues in a relationship, especially a long distance relationship will be the downfall in ANY relationship.

 

You don't trust him to tell you the truth, so there are obvious trust issues there.  As far as what he told you, it really doesn't sound like anything shady.  If she did add him out of the blue, and he didn't think anything of it, and didn't really care if she was on his facebook or not (by deleting her when he learned that you were concerned about it)...then is it really shady?  Or is it only shady if he was lying to you, sought her out, and added her?  That part sounds shady, the first story (his story) does not.  (I personally don't see anything wrong with him accepting a request from an ex of over 2 years ago that both parties are completely over the relationship on...People who used to go out, at some point, used to be good friends, so I don't see why it'd be odd that after years of time apart that they might try to rekindle a platonic relationship.  Think about going back to a high school reunion...5 years, 10 years, 20 years later...do you avoid your high school sweet heart because it might make your spouse of 30 years jealous?  of course not, and I don't think that it'd be "shady" either...unless you plan on sacking up with that high school sweetheart after the reunion.)

 

It seems you need to look deeper than this one incident and figure out why you have trust issues with him, and not worry about this whole "ex" ordeal since if he's lying (or if he's telling the truth), then it's just one small portion of a bigger trust issue in your relationship.  Either he's telling the truth and you don't trust him, which is a problem beyond this ex incident and more with YOUR feelings of him as a person or as a whole (Do you want to be with a person that you can't trust, even when he's done nothing wrong and told you the truth?)...or he's lying to you, in which case there IS a problem and he is NOT trustworthy, which is a problem with him as a person (Do you want to be with a person you just can't trust?).

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It would depend on how he's acting. Since he's re-added her, has his behaviour changed? Does he seem distant? Then, there's a problem. If he's just added her for catch-up and it doesn't go beyond small talk, I think you're fine.

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