Bad Friendships

All my life i've never really had good friends. I could go on and on about how my current "friends" are not good as well but I will just give an example. I spent tons of money to go visit them and I never saw them. It makes me feel sad and lonley to know that the things i'd do for them are not in turn done for me. All relationships take two people and I'm just getting burnt out on putting in all the effort. After all they have done to me to this day if one of them called I'd still be there for them. What is the best way to let go of bad friendships? How do you cut those ties wiithout hurting anyone's feelings? What do you do when you feel lonley and also what's the best way to make and meet new good quality friends?

I am really sorry that your friends hurt you. It's rough when it feels like a one way street.

If I have a bad friendship that isn't an explosive one I tend to just sort of drift away. Ya, I know it's the passive aggressive way but it usually works and seems to keep the peace. If someone keeps asking why I don't want to do stuff anymore I will be honest and tell them how I feel and why. Sometimes that repairs the relationship because it wasn't something they were aware of and sometimes it just finishes it off.

Most of my real life friends are people I have worked with or parents at my kids school. I have made a few good friends online as well that I have met in real life.

Yeah, maybe it's time I just focus on myself and what I need to do for me and just sort of let the bad friendships fizzle away.

Maybe you're too nice. Sometimes when people are too nice they tend to get taken advantage of. Relationships should be 50/50. Trying pulling away a bit and see if that gets you a result. It could be possible you're giving 90 and their giving 10. Also, know your stance in the friendship and evaluate if all that you're going through is worth it.

Thanks! That's helpful /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> it's very possible that i'm "too nice" but I don't see the point in being anything else because I've always been myself and if I'd have to change for them i'd honestly rather have no friends. I don't want to be alone obviously so hopefully If I just go out and do my own thing I'll meet better friends along the way.

You have such a great attitude towards the situation! I love how you're so positive /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> I'm sure you'll find awesome friends!

Originally Posted by Ashley Teague /img/forum/go_quote.gif

Thanks! That's helpful

it's very possible that i'm "too nice" but I don't see the point in being anything else because I've always been myself and if I'd have to change for them i'd honestly rather have no friends. I don't want to be alone obviously so hopefully If I just go out and do my own thing I'll meet better friends along the way.

Click to expand...

Originally Posted by Ashley Teague /img/forum/go_quote.gif
Thanks! That's helpful

it's very possible that i'm "too nice" but I don't see the point in being anything else because I've always been myself and if I'd have to change for them i'd honestly rather have no friends. I don't want to be alone obviously so hopefully If I just go out and do my own thing I'll meet better friends along the way.

Click to expand...

You will meet good people. Let the others slide through the cracks and enjoy the new friendships you build blossom into something healthy and happy for both of you!

I know exactly how you feel. I had a few friends that I have known for ages that I no longer speak to. I have always been there for them no matter what or when, but I realized that I was the only one pulling the relationship and they were really terrible friends. I don't like being used and taken for granted so I stopped contacting my friends for a while to see who would take the time and make the effort to stay in contact with me. The results were not positive, I haven't spoke to my so called bff now in over a year. She got a new boyfriend and she alienated her friends.

Some people are very self absorbed and they just don't know how to appreciate a good friend. I also realized that good friends are hard to find.

Some of my friends were also very jealous and petty, they didn't like seeing me get ahead. One in particular actually came to my house for a dinner party and commented that my husband and I were "just 2 people and didn't need all this" and she made some other negative comments on the way we lived. I studied hard and worked hard for what I have accomplished so did my hubby. Needless to say I wasn't quick to invite her back over ever again.

I decided that I don't want or need negative people around me, I don't want to be the only one carrying a friendship so I try to surround myself with the people who matter to me and who I matter to. I dropped all the dead weight.

Edited to send as PM for security reasons /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />

Gosh Im sorry to read that. It get easier to make great friends as you get older. I think the best days are ahead of you!

I'm the same way, kind of. As I was growing up I switched schools a lot and recently I've discovered that has made me believe friendships are disposable. I have one friend that I talk to frequently and that is my cousin which some people claim doesn't even count as a friend but family. Beyond that I have very few friends via fb interaction. I used to be like you and put effort in. I just stopped trying. Over the last few years I got way to trusting and my friends I'd consider my best friends robbed me blind. Ever since those situations I just drift away from people extremely fast. If you don't like a friendship you're in drift away or be up front with them.

I agree with you, hiheather. I initially erased my comment for fear my friend would see it. But I sent her an email explaining how she had made me feel and she was very dismissive, not even addressing the most important portions, so why should I care whether she finds this. I'm deciding to turn my efforts elsewhere and if it ends, then it ends. Just like bad or unhealthy romantic relationships, friendships should end if they become unhealthy or toxic in some way to either party or both. And being friends with a cousin, parent, sibling, etc absolutely counts!! I've decided to join a Zumba group, vowed to read more, and joined a women's meetup group for occasional motorcycle rides. Turning my focus toward me and letting her decide where we're going takes the emotional burden off my mind. Hooray for MuT and meeting cool, like-mined ladies. /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />

I generally give people the benefit of the doubt and assume that they don't mean to hurt me/others. But when the hurt happens repeatedly, then it's shame on me for being too nice. Then I just say to myself, these people don't deserve me as a friend. In which case, they get treated like an acquaintance...maybe we drift away, maybe still in contact, but I don't go out of my way to help or engage them because I know I will only be disappointed that the help is not reciprocated. 

That being said, I've only every completely written off (actively ignored) one person in my 30+ years of existence. It was like negative friendship there. 

I've always been told that I'm too nice, but I think that's a good default have since people in this world generally are nice people. But the difference between being nice and being a door mat is knowing when to cut your losses. And if you're unhappy with how the friendship is going in the big picture...it's time to cut your losses....

Originally Posted by tgooberbutt /img/forum/go_quote.gif

I generally give people the benefit of the doubt and assume that they don't mean to hurt me/others. But when the hurt happens repeatedly, then it's shame on me for being too nice. Then I just say to myself, these people don't deserve me as a friend. In which case, they get treated like an acquaintance...maybe we drift away, maybe still in contact, but I don't go out of my way to help or engage them because I know I will only be disappointed that the help is not reciprocated. 

That being said, I've only every completely written off (actively ignored) one person in my 30+ years of existence. It was like negative friendship there. 

I've always been told that I'm too nice, but I think that's a good default have since people in this world generally are nice people. But the difference between being nice and being a door mat is knowing when to cut your losses. And if you're unhappy with how the friendship is going in the big picture...it's time to cut your losses....

Click to expand...

Reading your post felt like I was reading a chapter out of my life. One thing I did was not to contact my friends. I was always the one sending cards and emails during birthdays/ holidays etc; calling to see how they were; present whenever needed but never got anything in return.

The best thing is to not sever ties (never do that) but just dont give them any extra attention. If they call thats fine but make it so they have to put in some work for the relationship. If you still want them in your life, let them know what you require in a friendship/ relationship. If they can't give you that then you make that decision if it worth it.

The best thing to do is carry on with your life and not stress. What are your hobbies and interests? You might find a cool person to hang out with in a yoga class or some other unexpected place. Just don't do what I did for years and associate your value with the attention these people are giving you. Worst mistake ever!

Originally Posted by Mss T /img/forum/go_quote.gif

The best thing is to not sever ties (never do that) but just dont give them any extra attention. If they call thats fine but make it so they have to put in some work for the relationship. If you still want them in your life, let them know what you require in a friendship/ relationship. If they can't give you that then you make that decision if it worth it.

The best thing to do is carry on with your life and not stress.

Just don't do what I did for years and associate your value with the attention these people are giving you. Worst mistake ever!

Click to expand...

Pearls of wisdom, totally agree.

I think we sometimes have an unrealistic idea of what friendships should be like, you see groups of friends in tv shows/films and they're all there for each other and involved in each other's lives when actually it's not like that.

I think you need to step back from 'toxic' friendships, so-called friends who actually make you feel bad.

I've made lots of friends online that I've then gone on to meet in real life. Some people say that people lie a lot online but in my experience people are more open and honest as there's no agenda and everybody's equal.

I have zero tolerance for bad friends. I am one of those people who goes out of their way to help other people, and it tends to be the case sometimes that I'm not receiving back the attention I give, so I changed my ways, and as a result I have a network of people I trust, and friends I only see occasionally. First of all my advice would be to not seem over eager. People are in my opinion more attentive and caring about people who aren't always accessible or available all the time. If they call and you're doing something, don't drop everything to answer. Call them later. I used to be available all the time, and as a result, people got bored of me, took advantage, and never called me, leaving me to do all the work to see them. Distance can be healthy sometimes, and even make your friends realize the hole you leave when you're not there all the time holding the bags. Losing friends isn't always a bad thing, and sometimes you need to be alone. TV and movies make it seem like your life should be a Friends episode all the time, but individual time can be good for discovering more about who you are as well as focusing on things like work, or hobbies, or relationships. What I'm saying is don't be selfish or become a worse friend, but don't sacrifice your happiness just to placate people. A friendship is give and take, and if you lost touch with someone or had a friendship break up sometimes it can be for the best. Friendships aren't meant to cause you pain. Hope this helps!

I hate when a girlfriend makes a guy choose her or a friend. why? because one of my ex-friends did that to me. and it hurts.

Was there a reason behind it?