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LaurenElle

I need advice! Too soon to move in with the boyfriend?

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So me and m boyfriend have been together for 2 and half years. I'll be 21 in a few months and his parents want him moved out by the time he's 20 which would be next year. We are a year and a few months apart in age. 

He works full time whereas I work part time and I go to school. I have 3k saved up in my savings. Do you think it is too soon for me to move in with him? By the time we move out, we'd have been together for 3 years
By the way I am asking because I live at home with my mom and grams. My mom says I could try it but I'm scared to tell or ask my grams, she's one of those typical asian ladies and somehow I know she'd drop some sort of guilt trip on me and think I'm throwing my future away o.o and feel like you should get married before living together -_-

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I come from a much older -- read: more jaded -- standpoint. I firmly believe you should *not* get married until you have lived together. It is a nightmare to get married, move in together, and then realize you want to stab him in his sleep after you have made that legal commitment. But I also believe you should not live with a boyfriend/girlfriend until you have lived on your own, especially if you're a guy. A 20-year-old dude who has always lived at home is *way* too young to live with in a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. He needs to learn how to do his own laundry, clean his own bathroom, and cook his own dinner first. (And I have had friends who have had the out-by-this-time-or-else ultimatum from their parents, and it is virtually always a situation where they need to learn how to be a grownup, and if you live with him, that's not going to happen, and you will just end up being his new mom, taking care of *everything* for him.)

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I moved out with my at the time boyfriend when I was 22. Knowing what I know now, I definitely recommend living with someone before you think about marriage. I found out that I could not stand living with him, and I would have regretted marrying him if I had not lived with him first. We are no longer together, although we are still good friends. But that experience made me realize that we weren't compatible on a romantic level.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by LaurenElle View Post
 
So me and m boyfriend have been together for 2 and half years. I'll be 21 in a few months and his parents want him moved out by the time he's 20 which would be next year. We are a year and a few months apart in age. 

He works full time whereas I work part time and I go to school. I have 3k saved up in my savings. Do you think it is too soon for me to move in with him? By the time we move out, we'd have been together for 3 years
By the way I am asking because I live at home with my mom and grams. My mom says I could try it but I'm scared to tell or ask my grams, she's one of those typical asian ladies and somehow I know she'd drop some sort of guilt trip on me and think I'm throwing my future away o.o and feel like you should get married before living together -_-

 

I moved in with my boyfriend when I was 20 - he was 21. We were dating for about a year at that point but have known each other for a really long time. He also works full time and I work/am in graduate school. I think if you feel like you're ready, then do it. We felt like we were ready, we had the funds to do so, and my lease was up haha. My mom (yup, typical asian lady) was pretty irked by the idea in general even though she loves my boyfriend and his family. Now my mom is totally fine with it - she got over it when she realized that we're a serious couple. We've been living together for over two years now. I think it was a great decision - I learned a lot about him and how to properly navigate a two-person household. 

 

I think you just have to know if you and your relationship are ready for the next step. Of course, you need to talk about money and set boundaries. You also definitely need to discuss the side of living together that entails "what will happen to this apartment/our lease/the things we co-own" if you were to break up. It is a big step that we did think about for a while before we decided to move in together!

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by MakeuptheCat View Post
 

You SHOULD wait until marriage because no one will propose if you give it all away!!

 

I think thats a very off-putting statement..but to each is own! 

:eusa_whistle: 

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On a slightly tangential but applicable note, one of my good friends from uni moved in with his boyfriend only a few months into dating him freshman year. (This is both a funny and sore point because the school has weird, stringent rules on housing and basically forced my friend to pay for a complete semester of housing he didn't use. Both he and his father, who's fairly well off, were quite upset about this and are swearing not to donate to the school XD; oops!)

 

But anyway, he would've been maybe 19 at the time and I think his now-husband was maybe 24 or 25. And yes, they're now married for a little over a year. I think overall they've been together for about 4 years now.

 

BUUUTT they're both dudes so I don't know if that's applicable. Also, his boyfriend was much older and working full time and had savings for a while, so that makes a difference. My friend was also working part time like you are.

 

I guess the main question you should ask: does this feel right to you (the idea of living with him or are you nervous about that?). Like someone else said, it might not be a bad idea to room with some other dudes, and learn how to live on his own. From what I remember of freshman year, guys aren't always the best equipped to live by themselves (cough laundry cough). It might be healthy for your relationship to let him get some freedom and master the learning curve.

 

But if you both of you feel like you're ready, why not? Happy endings are still accessible.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kyuu View Post
 

 

I guess the main question you should ask: does this feel right to you (the idea of living with him or are you nervous about that?). Like someone else said, it might not be a bad idea to room with some other dudes, and learn how to live on his own. From what I remember of freshman year, guys aren't always the best equipped to live by themselves (cough laundry cough). It might be healthy for your relationship to let him get some freedom and master the learning curve.

 

But if you both of you feel like you're ready, why not? Happy endings are still accessible.

This is a *really* good point. I was used to having roommates, I was an RA, I lived by myself for a bit, and I got that whole side of what-you-should-or-should-not-do side down. I think if neither of you have lived with roommates or out on your own, there may be a learning curve you have to be aware of. Oh Lordy! The stories I have of two only-children becoming roommates... 

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Thank you everyone for your input and advice! I do feel like I am ready to move but I could never live out on my own, I have bad anxiety and paranoia. lol! I'd have to live with someone lol

 

But like I said, I do feel like I am ready to be out on my own and detach from my mother's hip bone. My mom is about to move out within the next year also so I figure why not? I def don't want to be his second mom nor do I plan to so maybe I should wait a while to move in with him. I figure we should keep things equal (or as equal as it gets) as far as house work goes. 

 

Theres a lot to think about but I plan to think things through (for both of our sakes) He's so spontaneous so I have to bring him back to reality 

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Thank you everyone for your input and advice! I do feel like I am ready to move but I could never live out on my own, I have bad anxiety and paranoia. lol! I'd have to live with someone lol But like I said, I do feel like I am ready to be out on my own and detach from my mother's hip bone. My mom is about to move out within the next year also so I figure why not? I def don't want to be his second mom nor do I plan to so maybe I should wait a while to move in with him. I figure we should keep things equal (or as equal as it gets) as far as house work goes.  Theres a lot to think about but I plan to think things through (for both of our sakes) He's so spontaneous so I have to bring him back to reality 
Okay, so the main question this brings to mind for me is ... Does he know how to do housework? But "spontaneous" also sends up red flags for me. My mom would spontaneously spend the rent money on stuff we didn't need. If you're going to be splitting the rent, the bills, and the car payments, it's very important to set financial boundaries beforehand and maintain those boundaries after you move in together. There's nothing like the anxiety and paranoia that results from a partner being unable to pay what they agreed. I would suggest trying to find a place with a short-term lease that you can afford on your own if one of you decides you can't live together. People's first experience living together can be great, or horrible, but I say go for it because you'll never know if you don't give it a try.

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He does housework at his house now with his parents. I know for sure he'd never spend rent money or anything like that. He's really good when it comes to paying bills and everything like that on time. I would like a place that has a 6 month lease though

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I'm a fan of living together before marriage, but I do realize it's not for everyone. How responsible is your boyfriend? Has he ever lived on his own, even in a dorm setting? Speaking from experience, sometimes a person's first time on their own isn't so easy. While it is often cheaper to live together, don't rely on that being the only reason to move in together. I like that you're planning ahead and not just jumping into this. I have learned so much more about people when I lived with them. My now-husband and I were rather serious before I moved in, and I spent the night here fairly often. I figured I knew him pretty well - and then I moved in. We learned an immense amount about each other, as well as how to make our relationship really work (Lots and lots of compromise!)

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Ehhh, I moved in with a boyfriend in another COUNTRY when I was 18. We were together for 2 years after I moved and then broke up. It wasn't especially messy or anything. Moved in with my boyfriend after 4months of dating 2 years ago and now we are engaged and have a son together. Granted he was my best friend for a year prior to beginning our relationship, but still. I'm a firm believer in just doing what feels right and taking risks. I try not to overthink things and take things too seriously. What's the worst thing that could happen? If it doesn't work out, you move out. The risk is still there whether you've been together 2 years, 5 years or 5 months! If you want to, I think you should. If you're uncomfortable, don't! Nothing has to be permanent.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by plumplant View Post

Ehhh, I moved in with a boyfriend in another COUNTRY when I was 18. We were together for 2 years after I moved and then broke up. It wasn't especially messy or anything. Moved in with my boyfriend after 4months of dating 2 years ago and now we are engaged and have a son together. Granted he was my best friend for a year prior to beginning our relationship, but still. I'm a firm believer in just doing what feels right and taking risks. I try not to overthink things and take things too seriously. What's the worst thing that could happen? If it doesn't work out, you move out. The risk is still there whether you've been together 2 years, 5 years or 5 months!

If you want to, I think you should. If you're uncomfortable, don't! Nothing has to be permanent.

 

Thank you! My problem is that I overthink things WAY to much. 

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Originally Posted by meaganola View Post

I come from a much older -- read: more jaded -- standpoint. I firmly believe you should *not* get married until you have lived together. It is a nightmare to get married, move in together, and then realize you want to stab him in his sleep after you have made that legal commitment. But I also believe you should not live with a boyfriend/girlfriend until you have lived on your own, especially if you're a guy. A 20-year-old dude who has always lived at home is *way* too young to live with in a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. He needs to learn how to do his own laundry, clean his own bathroom, and cook his own dinner first.

(And I have had friends who have had the out-by-this-time-or-else ultimatum from their parents, and it is virtually always a situation where they need to learn how to be a grownup, and if you live with him, that's not going to happen, and you will just end up being his new mom, taking care of *everything* for him.)

more people should do that.

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I moved in with with my husband (then boyfriend) after knowing each other for 5 months. I was 19 he was 20. In the beginning I had my doubts it would work out, but I was head over heals in love and I really wanted to move out of my Mom's house. There was a bit of a learning curve but we managed to work out all our differences. We have now been living together for 7 years and married for 6 years. I believe it was the best decision I ever made. Like others have suggested, make sure you each agree in exactly what your obligations are regarding rent, utilities and housework. Also discuss what you would do in the event you two break up. Good luck :)

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I come from a much older -- read: more jaded -- standpoint. I firmly believe you should *not* get married until you have lived together. It is a nightmare to get married, move in together, and then realize you want to stab him in his sleep after you have made that legal commitment. But I also believe you should not live with a boyfriend/girlfriend until you have lived on your own, especially if you're a guy. A 20-year-old dude who has always lived at home is *way* too young to live with in a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. He needs to learn how to do his own laundry, clean his own bathroom, and cook his own dinner first. (And I have had friends who have had the out-by-this-time-or-else ultimatum from their parents, and it is virtually always a situation where they need to learn how to be a grownup, and if you live with him, that's not going to happen, and you will just end up being his new mom, taking care of *everything* for him.) 

You said too right, a 20-year-old haven`t growed up, he needs to learn how to manage his own life.

Edited by Eipper
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I think it's only up to you but that's normal that you are scared to live with him. I agree with your mom, you can try then you will know if you can get married with him or not. If it doesn't work you can go back to your mom's place. It's not a waste of time but experience :)

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