Aunt moving overseas--but I am so angry with her. How to heal??

Hi guys. I hope somebody can give me some help. I don't know what to do. My aunt and I got into a huge fight a few weeks ago. It has been stuff that has been going on for over a decade and the past couple years have been especially bad. She has some really, really hard stuff she's had to deal with but she takes her pent up stress out on me (and to a lesser extent to her sisters). My uncle takes it out on me too. My aunt helped raise me and in many ways has been seriously an angel blessing to me. Like when I was crazy depressed and suicidal and couldn't work they let me live with them and when I would thank them they would say I didn't have to because we're family. But they have also been very emotionally abusive to me. At the same time that I lived there, when they were angry they would tell me I was a burden and another time said to go die. She made me feel horrible about myself every day--which I told her-- to the point that I have truly and repeatedly wanted to turn to drugs and casual sex just to escape from it all. That is not something I say out of immaturity--I am a lawyer and published researcher who has been through a LOT and thrived. So if it's at this level then it is serious. The big thing that gets me is that it have never been allowed to stand up for myself, for various reasons. Even when I was right, I was taught to keep it in or to humble myself and apologize for whatever stupid reason (he's older, etc.). THE ISSUE: my family has always taught me that I can't hold a grudge because if something happens to that person I will feel guilty. But the way I see it, I can't turn off my emotions immediately, it takes time to heal. Besides, that person sure didn't think about how they would feel if I died or got seriously hurt when they decided to treat me badly!! So for the past couple years I have been telling my aunt how much she's hurting me but she wouldn't listen. The worst part is that when I try to tell her it makes me so sad what she's going through and she deserves so much better, she defends her own abusers and tells me it's my fault, I'm worse than them, and if I say they can go to hell she tells me I'm the one who can go to help. That is such an unfair slap in the face. Then when my family reminds me to be patient because of what she is dealing with, I say but when I try to support her in that she defends them!! And blames/attacks me! Finally, a few weeks ago I got fed up and told her that I don't want to talk to her again until she apologizes and admits that I don't deserve those accusations and it really has been the others abusing all of us this whole time! (Three family members called me the next morning and were very supportive.) Well since then she has written me two notes that completely acted like nothing happened (one was about housewares and one was a silly joke). Last week she left two messages inviting me to coffee with mutual friends because she is moving overseas (so fed up with her abusers). I couldn't even respond because I feel like she's not taking me seriously at all. Two family members (who were supportive of me after the fight) say that she is obviously trying to work things out, especially based on her telling them she misses me and doesn't know what to do. She has also stopped talking to one of the abusers BECAUSE the last fight began after that person was very crazy to me. But the way I see it, if she wanted to work it out she would do what I asked and apologize to me for all of her blaming. My family members say it's not in her to do that. My big problem right now is that she is moving in just a couple days and will be gone at least a year. Anything could happen to her in that time. But I also feel like I've told her the problem and forgiven her SO many times. Also, a big part of my severe depression of the past few years has stemmed from being in abusive relationships--and a lot of that has to do with my training my whole life that I have to immediately forgive everyone, humble myself and ask forgiveness even if I'm in the right, keep quiet if I'm angry, and that if anything happens to the other person I will feel so guilty for not forgiving. I learned the hard way that all of those ideas only kept me in abusive relationships because I felt like I had no right to stand up for myself, or expect a change in behavior before reconciliation. So now I'm hearing it again and I am so stuck. I don't want to end up regretting staying angry and not seeing her before she leaves. But also, I AM angry and so hurt. I feel like I've forgiven so many times and stayed in the same cycle--both to my aunt and other relationships in my life. I need to learn to stand up for myself. I don't mean stay angry or throw a fit if I can let it go, but I mean to not push myself to take so much responsibility when I'm still so hurt. I can't be responsible for all points of view and actions. But then what if while she's gone I learn to forgive her and something DOES happen to her so it's too late? I don't know what to do. I am so stuck.

The emotional abuse you've received sounds alot like what I went through with my step mother. She would act pleasant one day and then pull a 360 the next, or minute to minute, or whatever made her look good in the moment. I'll not go into any detail about it because 1: this is your thread, and 2: I try not to dwell on the past anymore, its just depressing. Anyway, I went through this for years and finally just realized one day that I was tired of her yo-yoing my emotions. I decided to simply cut her from my life, which unfortunately meant my father went with her but, he allowed it to happen in the first place. It was the best decision I ever made, and I didn't actually see the full extent of what was going on until I stepped away from it, when I felt better and could think more clearly. She tried writing me letters or leaving voice mails acting like nothing happened when we'd have a blow out too. Its just another way of making it seem like your opinions and emotions aren't important and its another way of gaining and maintaining control. My advice would be to let her move and stick to your guns. The relationship the two of you have sounds very unhealthy. Some distance might help salvage some of it, if that's what you really want. There's always email, Skype, things like that if you do want to keep in touch, but I would certainly make her put forth some effort when it comes to winning back your trust. If you pick up like nothing ever happened, you're just reaffirming that its alright to treat you like a door mat and trample all over your feelings. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, its a tough spot for sure. I hope you get it all sorted out and do what's best for YOU. Try to stop worrying about her feelings so much, she makes it obvious that she doesn't she doesn't find much value in yours. Sometimes you've got to take care of yourself. Good luck.