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mcgregg1

Husband's ex girlfried still tries to keep in touch, how would you handle it?

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I just got married about a year and a half ago and things have been going just fine. The only minor issue we've had is that my husbands ex girlfriend from his early twenties (we are 30 and 32 now) keeps texting or contacting him somehow. At first I was open to meeting her and being friends with her, I thought it was kind of nice that they were still friends. I looked at her as sort of proof that my husband was a kind guy in previous relationships before I came around. I also thought that a relationship from that long ago wasn't relevant now, especially since we were married and she had a steady boyfriend. We went out on a couple double dates and friended each other on facebook, etc.

 

She seemed like a normal girl.... then all the sudden she de friended me on facebook and I thought that was strange. My husband swore it must have been a mistake... nope it wasn't she defriended me for no reason. Then she started asking my husband about community groups and organizations I had joined, at first she put them down and claimed there were full or "sorostitutes' (sorority type girls). Then a few months later she started joining the same groups (in a different town). She then got engaged... and picked the same wedding weekend/date for her wedding as I did for mine... creepy.

 

To get to the point... throughout all of this she just keeps poping up with random texts to him. For example, "I just heard a song on the radio and thought of you", or "I'm trying for a new job can I get a reference", or "I'm going to be in town, just letting you know". It wouldn't bother me so much but I feel like she is trying to stay relevant with him or something. My husbands first wife apparently had a serious issue with them communicating. I'm kinda starting to see why. He also gets really defensive when I bring up the situation. Like he might flip out if I asked him to cut of communication or take her off his facebook, I've never asked him to do any of those things btw. We've actually gotten into a couple heated discussions over why it is so important to keep her in his life and why he always defends her actions/reasons for contact. It's almost like he wants me to get jealous or something...

 

 

Should I just keep looking at this like it's no big deal or should I ask that he just cut communication? I feel weird demanding who he can and can't talk to.... just not my style. Suggestions?

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Wow. After reading your story, I think you are a very kind person. You did all the right things and extremely polite to the situation. But somewhere there should be a line drawn. Are they really that good of a friends?

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Sorry but you're his wife and you come first over any "friend"! Sounds like she is toxic.

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I am more concerned over why he gets upset when you (his wife) tries to express your concerns over this relationship.  When she defriended you, that is when he should have cut off communication or at the very least establish boundaries with her.  He needs to know what is appropriate communication with her (which is whatever YOUR comfort level is) and respect if you are uncomfortable with the relationship.  He needs be assertive in telling her what is approrpiate and end it if need be.  Since he has been married before and this was an issue, he should know it is not appropriate...even if his intentions are good, HERS are questionable and should enough to not risk your marriage.  I'm appalled that he is acting like that; someone needs to tell him that an ex is not worth risking the current relationship you are in.  Sorry you are going through this, but don't let it go if you are not comfortable..always follow your instincts.  (hugs)ura.gif

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I don't think they are really that good of friends...she's not even in our town. It's like she just wants to stay in the picture or something. He always responds to her, nothing inappropriate or anything that would upset me but still, its a response. It does however upset me that it is so vital to him to keep contact with her.  Especially since he's had problems with this situation before. Sometimes I think that it might be a little male ego boost for him?? I always secretly worry that maybe they do talk/text/message more than I think and that is why he is so crazy over it. I don't dig through phones or messages etc. so I don't have any proof of that.

 

Just last week she texted him for a reference and he got really weird and came to me and practically shoved the phone in my face to tell/show me that she had texted him.  He said he thought he should tell me because if he didn't and I found out about it, he didn't want me to freak out. I'm not the "freak out" type. He keeps trying to insist that I'm jealous or insecure. Couldn't be further from the truth. If that were the case I would have never tried to befriend her!

 

TOXIC for sure! One of my friends (who went to high school with this girl) refers to her as "the stain that won't go away", she said in high school this girl was the type who always had to have a boyfriend or male attention.

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Ego is out the door, you are married and love means leaving ego aside!

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I don't think they are really that good of friends...she's not even in our town. It's like she just wants to stay in the picture or something. He always responds to her, nothing inappropriate or anything that would upset me but still, its a response. It does however upset me that it is so vital to him to keep contact with her.  Especially since he's had problems with this situation before. Sometimes I think that it might be a little male ego boost for him?? I always secretly worry that maybe they do talk/text/message more than I think and that is why he is so crazy over it. I don't dig through phones or messages etc. so I don't have any proof of that. Just last week she texted him for a reference and he got really weird and came to me and practically shoved the phone in my face to tell/show me that she had texted him.  He said he thought he should tell me because if he didn't and I found out about it, he didn't want me to freak out. I'm not the "freak out" type. He keeps trying to insist that I'm jealous or insecure. Couldn't be further from the truth. If that were the case I would have never tried to befriend her! TOXIC for sure! One of my friends (who went to high school with this girl) refers to her as "the stain that won't go away", she said in high school this girl was the type who always had to have a boyfriend or male attention.
I know what your friend means by describing her. I had a neighbor who would try to make friends with me while trying to flirt with my brother. And she wouldn't leave me alone she saw me. What worked was completely ignoring her until she got it. If she makes you uncomfortable, express your concern. It is your life and feelings and you probably don't want to spoil your mood everytime uncomfortable situations happen.

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Oh you poor girl! I just made a account just to reply to this thread! So feel special!! :)  Anywho back on topic....... You really need to set some limits. Even if your not jealous. Maybe, hes doing this to get a reaction. And, needs to feel like you still have intrest in him. If this was my husband I would ask him if he thought it was okay to text a ex and why he still texts her? And if he says shes just a friend.Tell him exactly how you feel about the situation! its been 10 years and he needs to move. You are the one he shouldnt be able to live without. Its okay to have friends that are male or female. But it crosses the line when it makes your spouse uncomfortable. This girl shouldn't be contacting your husband.She should be texting her own husband. (SNOOP). If you feel like something is not right go with your instinct! Dont waste your life on someone who doesnt deserve you. Ive had a similar case with my hubby and i nipped it in the butt.5 years later no problems.Or you could always befriend her husband see how they both like it (a bit too drastic not at all classy)  Either way its messing up your relationship. And HE needs to fix it and make YOU happy not her!

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We humans only indulge in behaviour that brings reward of some kind.   Only when that reward (whatever it might be) disappears, or the consequences of our behaviour promise to be unpleasant do we consider changing what we do.

 

Here is the clue to sorting things out.  When you are faced with non-co-operation – give him choices, and make sure he understands the consequences of his choice – and always follow through.
 

Your husband needs to be confronted with the fact that his failure bring an end to communicating with her is making you anxious, and that this in turn is putting your relationship back at risk.  Make that very clear to him.  He may well be getting an ego boost out of it, but that, frankly is unimportant.  YOU COME FIRST!

 

I think you also need to make it very clear, and commit yourself to this, that in talking over your mutual problems, you will not let the discussion deteriorate into a blame and accusation session – that is vitally important.   It is equally important that he understands why you need to talk, and that what you want is a good relationship, not just to hash over your differences.

 

Stay calm, remain objective and avoid drama, but stick to your guns.

 

If you are strident, aggressive and blaming, he’s just going to  dig his heels in!

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This woman has caused issues in his previous marriage? And now he insists you are jealous & insecure, it sounds like he is reacting in a way that has worked for him in the past. He needs to let go of that reaction, grow up, and work with you (his wife!) on this very issue. I agree with the above poster, this is a MUTUAL problem that needs addressed in a way that works for both of you.

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 I would ask him to stop contacting you and him.  I don't see what the big deal would be if he loves you. If he insists on contacting here and answering her I would then assume he may still love her and not want her out of his life.

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I just got married about a year and a half ago and things have been going just fine. The only minor issue we've had is that my husbands ex girlfriend from his early twenties (we are 30 and 32 now) keeps texting or contacting him somehow. At first I was open to meeting her and being friends with her, I thought it was kind of nice that they were still friends. I looked at her as sort of proof that my husband was a kind guy in previous relationships before I came around. I also thought that a relationship from that long ago wasn't relevant now, especially since we were married and she had a steady boyfriend. We went out on a couple double dates and friended each other on facebook, etc.

 

She seemed like a normal girl.... then all the sudden she de friended me on facebook and I thought that was strange. My husband swore it must have been a mistake... nope it wasn't she defriended me for no reason. Then she started asking my husband about community groups and organizations I had joined, at first she put them down and claimed there were full or "sorostitutes' (sorority type girls). Then a few months later she started joining the same groups (in a different town). She then got engaged... and picked the same wedding weekend/date for her wedding as I did for mine... creepy.

 

To get to the point... throughout all of this she just keeps poping up with random texts to him. For example, "I just heard a song on the radio and thought of you", or "I'm trying for a new job can I get a reference", or "I'm going to be in town, just letting you know". It wouldn't bother me so much but I feel like she is trying to stay relevant with him or something. My husbands first wife apparently had a serious issue with them communicating. I'm kinda starting to see why. He also gets really defensive when I bring up the situation. Like he might flip out if I asked him to cut of communication or take her off his facebook, I've never asked him to do any of those things btw. We've actually gotten into a couple heated discussions over why it is so important to keep her in his life and why he always defends her actions/reasons for contact. It's almost like he wants me to get jealous or something...

 

 

Should I just keep looking at this like it's no big deal or should I ask that he just cut communication? I feel weird demanding who he can and can't talk to.... just not my style. Suggestions?

Has he asked you to cut contact with any of your friends? If so, then maybe use that as a point to use against him (You know, "Well you asked me to stop seeing Lois so now I am asking you to stop seeing [the friend]"). 

If not, then I do not think you really have any grounds to. 

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I wouldn't accept this situation. An ex gf will always be a danger and someone who slept with my husband. If I were you I would ask him to cut the links between them, no matter what...

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Guest Barbie2

Well I dont know about you but I wouldnt call a guy / text a guy unless the man is also communicating with me.I mean they probably have some sort of relationship if she is texting / calling him all the time.Its probably not one sided.Your husband might be a nice guy but no man has women friends  period especially for yrs. chances are that something is probably going on there.I would communicate with your husband about the issue you are married you shouldnt be afraid to talk to him about stuff.

 

Plus in my experience girls who have a man / bf who reach out and communicate with a guy are doing so not because they wanna be friends but because they want the guy.I knew a girl who had a bf and contacted a guy she used to know from high school on her facebook page and I guess she talked to him and they went to some party together.To me that is shady the girl had a bf and was hanging out with her ex bf from high school at a party without her man being there yeah as you can tell girls like that they dont wanna be your friend.Also who even knows if her bf found out about all this she probably never told him.

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