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eastofthesun

Divorce and Self-Esteem

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Hello,

 

My husband of 5 years (12.5 years if you count when we dated) has told me he wants a divorce in early January. It totally floored me. I don't want the divorce, but we've been going through therapy and it has become increasingly clear that it's best to go through with it, for both of us. Or at least, I think so. To be honest, I don't know.

 

Anyway, he's sure and as far as he's concerned there's nothing I can do to change his mind.

 

So, since this is a makeup forum, well... maybe you can help me with my problem.

I am trying to stay positive and move forward, but I can't even see any reason to try to look attractive. I don't want to start dating, and I'm moving back in with my parents and my sister.

 

I am going to therapy weekly by myself now, and still going to therapy with him weekly (different therapists) but... like I said, I just am finding it really hard to work on myself. I feel like a failure because our marriage failed, and I feel like I'll never have .... what I had with him. And.... part of me is OK with that, but... I basically look like crap, eat crap (lots of junk food, since he told me) and haven't been motivated to even do my classwork after I get off work ( I work full time in addition to taking classes for my masters).

 

I just can't seem to discipline myself to care for myself- instead of eating right and exercising, I'm sitting around moping and stuffing my face with junk food until I'm so full I fill physically sick, like I wish I could vomit.

 

I am really upset about this, but I haven't told many people and I'm kind of holding it in because I'm a private person and I do not fancy the idea of my coworkers asking me ANYTHING about this. Not even, "How's everything going?" I feel like if everyone at work found out and started talking to me about it, I'd want to punch them in the face.

 

Basically, I started off the beginning of this year really positively, I was just coming out of my shell, and getting excited about looking more polished and being a real adult, but this has kind of wrecked that for me, wrecked my self-esteem, which has taken so long to build.

 

I just don't know how to stay ... inspired.

 

 

Sorry, just a rant.

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Oh, sweetie *hug* Hang in there. I'm in a position right now where, despite not going through a divorce, I am the same about "making myself feel and look pretty" so I know about the lack of motivation to eat healthy and exercise. if you wanna join me, you can join the beauty project "journal" thing I made in the health and fitness forum (link on my signature) so we can encourage each other.

 

Regarding the feeling pretty part all I can say is.... no matter whether your husband is leaving or not, remember that you and your body are your biggest projects. There is something to be said for finding inner happiness and being okay with letting things and people go when they wish to go. It doesn't mean you have to stop loving him, of course, but remember that loving yourself first and foremost will be the key to becoming happy again. That starts with taking care of your body, and finding the little things that cheer you up. If that is makeup, then play with it and allow yourself to be feminine without care about what others would say. 

 

Hang in there, we're here for you.

 *hug*

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Big Hugs to you!! It's hard when you have to separate yourself from a person you made your life with, a kin to a death. Give yourself a break no matter how hard it is you are the only one who will take care of YOU. Junk food/comfort food at the end of the day will make you feel worse, try to purchase food you like and that will help you in the long run. Get up and get dressed, it like when you're sick getting out of bed, getting clean and even a little makeup will lift your spirits.

 

What is happening will be a blessing. Hard to see in the middle of it all, but life will go on and you will find a way to move on, and from the sound of it you are the kind to thrive!

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Hugs hugss.gif  I'm so sorry you are going through this. I enjoy reading your posts here on MUT and I think you are a person I would enjoy meeting and knowing IRL.

 

The only person you need to look attractive for is yourself . . . this is the time to be a little selfish and think about your own well being first and foremost :-)

 

Take it one day at a time and choose to focus on one thing each day that you do just for yourself. It can be reading a favorite book, taking a long walk (because the weather is finally getting warmer!), wearing a new shade of lipstick, or buying a new, trendy scarf to freshen your wardrobe. I hope doing something for yourself will brighten your day and help you realize you are an AWESOME person who deserves the best in life! Take care.

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Sending sooooo much love to you!

 

I just wanted to leave this here, because Lisa is both a makeup expert and the best auntie ever in this video:

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There are plenty of ladies on here that are here and will help you when times get rough. I've never personally gone through a divorce but I witnessed my MIL go through it. It was terribly hard for her and no matter how much we told her to be happy and stay busy she always got sad. That was a little over a year and a half ago. Today she is a whole new person and happy with her life. You can overcome this! Keep busy and have your friends and family there for you. Family is forever and they'll love you no matter what. You have to put yourself first. There's nothing you can do to change it, you should just try and look at the bright side of things. You won't feel like this forever. You'll heal and after all this is over you will be a strong woman.:o

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Friends and family definitely help the most. Whatever you do, do not close yourself to other people.

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You're not a failure because your marriage failed, you are just setting on a different path through life now. You don't have to have it all figured out right now, you just found out a couple months ago, and it's normal to need time to come to terms with the news and understand how your life will now be different. Divorce isn't something you just get over overnight. We all process these types of events in our own ways, some people talk to everyone, and some only a select few close friends/family. You are definitely NOT required to verbally process this with your coworkers! or anyone else you just don't feel like talking about it with. You will get through this, and even though it's hard to see right now, you will come out stronger! Hugs to you!

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Surround yourself with people that love you!  I am so sorry this is happening to you, it hurts so bad when you love someone and try everything to make it work!  Just make sure you are around people, not on your own, you don't have to go through these things alone

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 Get yourself well groomed for your own self-esteem, put on lipstick and mascara at least. Your new mantra is "I don't want anyone who doesn't want me"  Getting divorced from my first husband (married 17 years, dated 1 year before) was the best thing I ever did.

 

  Allow yourself a set period a day to wallow and mourn (30 minutes daily) and once that days' 30 minutes are up, force yourself to do something else. It sounds silly but it works. When it is mourning time do what it takes, squall, scream, cuss, throw soft objects or empty TupperWare, just vent! But when time's up, it's up. You can vent again tomorrow.

 

 Sending hugs.

Edited by Kristine Walker
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I agree with the advice above with the added caveat, look good for yourself. Not because you want to date, or impress others -thought they do say living and looking well is the best revenge. And while he may have wanted to divorce that does not mean you failed. It just means you are going into a new chapter in your life, and it's without him. That might be a mixed blessing right now, but being with someone who doesn't want to be with you is not a good place to be. Better you move on and ultimately find the one who really does want to be with YOU- whoever you find yourself to be when this divorce is over. You'll be surprised at the changes that will come with the ending of the relationship. Though you may feel icky right now, I can relate, I divorced my first husband after over 10 yrs and I am absolutely not the same person i was at that time. I found I grew and developed tremendously after I was alone. One thing that helped, and I know it sounds cliche, is to put on makeup in the morning, for yourself. No one else. You're here on a makeup site because you love makeup, right? So don't deprive yourself. You can make yourself look and wear whatever looks you want. Wild child/ Sophisticated Lady/ Hot Nightclub Chick, you name it. You can be it and wear it with pride. And you'll find that when you put on makeup you feel better about yourself and it may very well help you control some of the other stuff. Don't get me wrong, makeup is not a cure all, but it is a start. And maybe right now you need a fresh one. Feel good because you deserve to feel good about you. Not to impress anyone but yourself.

 

As for talking to co-workers, it's not their business. And what you choose to discuss with whom is up to you. If you feel safer talking to us here, by all means, do so. We are here collectively to support and encourage each other. And ultimately it is a safe shelter. So let it come out. As for never having what you had with your ex, maybe you won't, hopefully it will be BETTER!! Think of it that way. That while you were with him you were keeping yourself from being with someone who will be a much better match and treat you with the love and adoration you deserve. I know it's easy for people to just say this stuff, but I promise you, it's sincere. I know when I split from my ex my SIL told me no one would want to marry me because I had three children, and my youngest was so young I was out of shape. I was married within six months of my divorce to an amazing guy I'm still married to 14 yrs later. I wouldn't trade the experience for the world. And I felt like something the dog puked up when I separated. My ex would tell me I was overweight (dear G-d, what I wouldn't do for that body again) and that I wasn't attractive and I believed him. Until I was back in the world again and taking care of myself. Which happened gradually. Even now I'm not great at exercise etc, I could use a kick in the butt (big butt), but most of us could. 

 

Speaking of which, you deserve to mourn. Let yourself. It sounds like you've been mourning to some extent but not entirely. I totally agree with the post that said to give yourself a time frame. 30 days, or 60 days, then let go. Use a ritual if you need to. Putting your rings away, or, throwing them in the ocean like I did (there's a lucky fisherman out there somewhere!!). Something to mark that day and move forward. It will be like a weight lifted when you let go of blaming yourself for not being.....(fill in the blank) and your ex leaving. It was not your fault. It is never one person's fault. Ok, sometimes it is, but unless you were beating him and abusing him, it was not your fault. So forgive yourself most of all. And while you're doing this, keep doing what you did and keep reaching out. I know I'm here to support my fellow MUTzzzz, as much as I am for the spoilers and the like. You will look back on this time and realize you're so much better off then you were, and it won't be long before you start feeling that way. Truly.

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why would you want to change his mind.  time to move on and be happy.  I have been through what you have gone through and I networked and met new people and  someone new .   You need to forget someone who does not want you and find someone who wants you. Don't waste another min thinking about this person. Except that something new and better is ahead and get excited and happy for it

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Big hugs. 

Sorry, I really wanted to say something helpful and insightful. But after three times of starting have come up short. I did want you to know that I am thinking of you and you have my thoughts.

Hugs again .

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