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So I have devastating news. My mom died a week ago. She had Stage IV liver cancer but was doing pretty well overall, still getting up and around by herself etc. She literally cooked dinner and baked a dessert 2 days before she died. Even though we knew she was terminal, something about the super quick turn from doing "really well" to "100% out of it" in 1 day still took me totally and utterly off guard. I'm just coming back to work (if you can call it that, I'm here, not exactly able to work but hey baby steps) and just getting caught up on emails and my favorite MUT threads. So I just wanted to tell everyone I'm so sad, and I don't know how people get through this. I mean I know I will, it just seems like the pain will never stop.

Thanks to everyone at MUT for always being a source of sunshine even on the darkest of days.

So sorry for your loss. :hugs3:  If I was terminally sick I would want to go quickly, I think it makes it so hard on the family to go from someone that looks fine to just suddenly gone though. I knew someone who had recurring cases of cancer who finally just knew it was back and told no one and eventually passed in his sleep without anyone knowing, it was especially shocking since he was in his twenties.

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@angienharry  :hugs3:  I'm so sorry for your loss, I know it must be so hard to get through every moment right now.  Please know that you have all of our love and support!

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@@angienharry I'm so sorry! Wishing you all the wonderful memories of her.

Edited by sarap

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@@angienharry I'm so sorry for your loss. :( I went through a similar experience with my father, he'd been ill for quite some time but was doing better when he suddenly had to be hospitalized, then passed away.

 

February 13th will be the seventh anniversary of his death, and I am so sorry but it never gets easier. The functioning will become more normal as time passes but the pain? That never leaves. It just hangs out and can resurface at the most idiotic times.

 

There is good news, though and that is you are already on the right track! Even if you can't work, being with people you enjoy and letting them support you is the best thing I found to get me through the darkest days! We're all here for you, and if you ever need to let it out, feel free to give me a PM! :hugs3: :hugs3: :hugs3:

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@@angienharry there is nothing I can say except that I am so sorry for your loss. I will think good things for you and your family.

 

 

@@Shalott it is very, very common that people suddenly get better for a few days to a week, sometimes it seems like they're back to normal, before passing. It can be a wonderful gift :(

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Yayyy! German homework done, and now it's just art staring me in the face demanding to be worked on. Yes, yes, I shall work on you because you're due tomorrow. -_-  I have a hard time believing that missing 3/4 of one semester would so substantially increase the difficulty level of my classes, therefore I am lead to believe my lower-division courses did not adequately prepare me.

 

And I'm tired, boo. And it's raining, boo. Whine, whine, whine. :rolleyes:

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So I have devastating news. My mom died a week ago. She had Stage IV liver cancer but was doing pretty well overall, still getting up and around by herself etc. She literally cooked dinner and baked a dessert 2 days before she died. Even though we knew she was terminal, something about the super quick turn from doing "really well" to "100% out of it" in 1 day still took me totally and utterly off guard. I'm just coming back to work (if you can call it that, I'm here, not exactly able to work but hey baby steps) and just getting caught up on emails and my favorite MUT threads. So I just wanted to tell everyone I'm so sad, and I don't know how people get through this. I mean I know I will, it just seems like the pain will never stop.

Thanks to everyone at MUT for always being a source of sunshine even on the darkest of days.

(I liked your post out of support)

 

It will be hard for a very very long time.  I don't believe that people ever really get over these kinds of events.  Just over time things will get easier, you'll  be less reminded about them.. and then their will be times that out of the blue years from now you'll just get a feeling or glimpse of memory that shuts you down again.  Rinse, repeat.  

My papa died a little over 3 years ago now, and sometimes it is hard still.  I'll be going along having fun or whatever and then something will trigger a memory of him/us or I'll for some reason think about one of his last lucid comments (that broke my heart so bad I'm still picking up pieces of it).. and I'll cry and I'm sure people think I'm a nut case who just cries for no reason :-\   I spent a lot of nights crying in my sleep, and my husband would be so worried he'd have to wake me up and hold me for hours.  I had a lot of nightmares where my papa would visit me in my sleep and be so angry at me.  It took almost 2 years to stop them, because it wasn't a reaction or thing my papa would ever feel or do to me..it was my own guilt about not being there when he died (my family is 1600 miles away then).  And it was really weird talking to my nana for a while.. where you don't want to cry or make them cry, but you end up talking about the person and both end up crying and awkward.  

It is of my opinion that even when people leave us, they're never really gone.  They are carried in our hearts, kept in our minds, and watch over and influence how we act and enjoy (or not enjoy) life.  Memories of our past with them, both good and bad, keep us connected.  There will be a lot of eggshells you walk on, and sometimes you'll break some, sometimes others will break some and you'll feel you've fallen through.  And that's okay to feel that way or be upset.  You'll need that to heal and keep growing.  

Just remember that nobody can tell you how to grieve.  Nobody knows how long you need to process.  There is no "right" reaction to loss.  There will probably be a lot of awkward moments when people bring it up to you, and you'll be angry or upset or sad.. Sometimes people will say or do things that have nothing to do with you, but grief will sometimes trigger something and you'll get upset.  

 

Just do what you feel is needed to keep whole.  Have a meltdown if you need one.  Buy yourself flowers or make a favorite food that brings good memories.. whatever it is that helps you is what you gotta do to get "through" it.  One of the things that helps me a lot these days is thinking about how my papa would feel about the things I accomplish/how I react, etc.  It helps to remember the good things and happy feelings.  And a box of plastic bandaids I keep hidden---one of my favorite memories is of their old house in the country that had a linen closet that always smelled like the plastic bandaids they kept in there.  When I feel a meltdown coming or I get too sad, I pull out the box and smell it and have some personal moments to re-group.  

I'm sorry you had to experience such a sudden blow like that.  My papa did the same..he was going and wasn't good on his own anymore, but it just went from like zero to 60 in a blink of an eye.  I think a lot of times that because it was so sudden it makes emotions and feelings that much stronger, you didn't get a lot of time to prepare for the reality that it was going to happen soon.  

 

Sending hugs and thoughts for your healing.  And you always got us you can lean on! :)   :hugs3:

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(I liked your post out of support)

 

It will be hard for a very very long time.  I don't believe that people ever really get over these kinds of events.  Just over time things will get easier, you'll  be less reminded about them.. and then their will be times that out of the blue years from now you'll just get a feeling or glimpse of memory that shuts you down again.  Rinse, repeat.  

My papa died a little over 3 years ago now, and sometimes it is hard still.  I'll be going along having fun or whatever and then something will trigger a memory of him/us or I'll for some reason think about one of his last lucid comments (that broke my heart so bad I'm still picking up pieces of it).. and I'll cry and I'm sure people think I'm a nut case who just cries for no reason :-\   I spent a lot of nights crying in my sleep, and my husband would be so worried he'd have to wake me up and hold me for hours.  I had a lot of nightmares where my papa would visit me in my sleep and be so angry at me.  It took almost 2 years to stop them, because it wasn't a reaction or thing my papa would ever feel or do to me..it was my own guilt about not being there when he died (my family is 1600 miles away then).  And it was really weird talking to my nana for a while.. where you don't want to cry or make them cry, but you end up talking about the person and both end up crying and awkward.  

It is of my opinion that even when people leave us, they're never really gone.  They are carried in our hearts, kept in our minds, and watch over and influence how we act and enjoy (or not enjoy) life.  Memories of our past with them, both good and bad, keep us connected.  There will be a lot of eggshells you walk on, and sometimes you'll break some, sometimes others will break some and you'll feel you've fallen through.  And that's okay to feel that way or be upset.  You'll need that to heal and keep growing.  

Just remember that nobody can tell you how to grieve.  Nobody knows how long you need to process.  There is no "right" reaction to loss.  There will probably be a lot of awkward moments when people bring it up to you, and you'll be angry or upset or sad.. Sometimes people will say or do things that have nothing to do with you, but grief will sometimes trigger something and you'll get upset.  

 

Just do what you feel is needed to keep whole.  Have a meltdown if you need one.  Buy yourself flowers or make a favorite food that brings good memories.. whatever it is that helps you is what you gotta do to get "through" it.  One of the things that helps me a lot these days is thinking about how my papa would feel about the things I accomplish/how I react, etc.  It helps to remember the good things and happy feelings.  And a box of plastic bandaids I keep hidden---one of my favorite memories is of their old house in the country that had a linen closet that always smelled like the plastic bandaids they kept in there.  When I feel a meltdown coming or I get too sad, I pull out the box and smell it and have some personal moments to re-group.  

I'm sorry you had to experience such a sudden blow like that.  My papa did the same..he was going and wasn't good on his own anymore, but it just went from like zero to 60 in a blink of an eye.  I think a lot of times that because it was so sudden it makes emotions and feelings that much stronger, you didn't get a lot of time to prepare for the reality that it was going to happen soon.  

 

Sending hugs and thoughts for your healing.  And you always got us you can lean on! :)   :hugs3:

 

 

This is such a great post. This is how it is with my sister, too. And your dreams? So strange- whenever I feel guilt toward a person (usually my mother, it seems, but sometimes my father and often my late sister) I'll have dreams where we're physically fighting. i'll wake up screaming. It's awful.

 

It has been two and a half years since my sister passed, and I actually handled it okay when it first happened because I was mourning more for my mother, who as you can imagine was and is absolutely devastated. There will be times I think about KIm (my sister) and either break down, or feel very happy.

 

It still feels very surreal to me, and I agree with everything you said about it getting easier to go about your day to day, but never going away. 

 

This quote, by Albert Einstein, has helped me the most. I struggle with whether I have a faith in a higher being, but this- this helps me. “Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.”

 

The energies of our loved ones are out there, whether you believe in heaven or not, and that amazes me and makes me feel incredibly at peace.

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@@normajean2008 Great summary of the whole process in losing someone you love.

 

@@ohsailor  Sorry for the loss of your sister.  I can't even imagine.  Love the Albert Einstein quote!

 

I found this quote really helpful when my grandmother passed (almost) 5 years ago and who was like a mother to me:

 

"To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die." ~Thomas Campbell  Goes along with what @@normajean2008 said

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This is such a great post. This is how it is with my sister, too. And your dreams? So strange- whenever I feel guilt toward a person (usually my mother, it seems, but sometimes my father and often my late sister) I'll have dreams where we're physically fighting. i'll wake up screaming. It's awful.

 

It has been two and a half years since my sister passed, and I actually handled it okay when it first happened because I was mourning more for my mother, who as you can imagine was and is absolutely devastated. There will be times I think about KIm (my sister) and either break down, or feel very happy.

 

It still feels very surreal to me, and I agree with everything you said about it getting easier to go about your day to day, but never going away. 

 

This quote, by Albert Einstein, has helped me the most. I struggle with whether I have a faith in a higher being, but this- this helps me. “Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.”

 

The energies of our loved ones are out there, whether you believe in heaven or not, and that amazes me and makes me feel incredibly at peace.

 

It is strange how things play out in our dreams. Your sound right up the same ally mine skulked around in.  

My papa was dealing with severe dementia at the end (along with a myriad of health issues).  He was moved in and out of nursing centers/homes the last several months for various reasons.  He'd fall and have to go to one, and they'd send him home a little later when he got better, then he'd fall again and have to go back etc.. My mom and nana were there at the last one for the transfer to the VA nursing home, where he died at.  He always thought he was going home in those situations..but this last time he had a moment of lucidity and looked at my nana and said "This is forever this time isn't it."  He just went into the ground basically at that point.  It killed us all when he said that and realized it.  My nightmares were usually of him being angry at me, disappointed in me for not being there with him.  I was one of the few people he always remembered and talked about.  He would yell at me and be so sad and upset at me, which is what made me cry.  Logically I knew it was just my own guilt over not being there with him in the last few months, but... you can't tell grief what to do.  

 

I really like that quote you posted too.  I am so glad this place exists with all you great ladies!  I like reading all the stories and knowing everything I struggle with or enjoy is shared by so many others.  Less alone in this big old world.  

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It is strange how things play out in our dreams. Your sound right up the same ally mine skulked around in.  

My papa was dealing with severe dementia at the end (along with a myriad of health issues).  He was moved in and out of nursing centers/homes the last several months for various reasons.  He'd fall and have to go to one, and they'd send him home a little later when he got better, then he'd fall again and have to go back etc.. My mom and nana were there at the last one for the transfer to the VA nursing home, where he died at.  He always thought he was going home in those situations..but this last time he had a moment of lucidity and looked at my nana and said "This is forever this time isn't it."  He just went into the ground basically at that point.  It killed us all when he said that and realized it.  My nightmares were usually of him being angry at me, disappointed in me for not being there with him.  I was one of the few people he always remembered and talked about.  He would yell at me and be so sad and upset at me, which is what made me cry.  Logically I knew it was just my own guilt over not being there with him in the last few months, but... you can't tell grief what to do.  

 

I really like that quote you posted too.  I am so glad this place exists with all you great ladies!  I like reading all the stories and knowing everything I struggle with or enjoy is shared by so many others.  Less alone in this big old world.  

Not being there at the end is something that haunts me.  Not to the point I have nightmares but I am so devastated that I did not go home.  My grandma went to the hospital so my first response was "I am coming home."  My grandma (an RN) my dad and grandpa all poo-pooed it saying "it's no big deal, don't waste the money etc."  When I spoke to my grandma a few days before she died I once again stated I was coming home, but she talked me out of it.  I wish I would have listened to my gut and gone.

When the call came I knew before I picked up the phone.  My poor husband got a call from me where I was to the point I could not talk I was crying so hard.  Thank goodness he was able to ask questions to figure out what happened.  I always remember hearing that about people keening and never really knew what it was or where it came from.  Until the most important person in my life died.  Then I realized how primal grief is and that keening is your body's response to it.

 

Now on the anniversary of when she passed I go to the beach for reflection on her life and I buy her favorite flowers and light a candle to honor her.

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My child got expelled from his school. I am so mad, but I don't know if I am mad at him, for being an idiot; at me for not being a good enough parent to keep him from being an idiot; or at his school for not having controls on the computers students use and making it possible for him to be an idiot.

 

He's going to be homeschooled now, most likely. He's not going to the public school we are assigned, not until we move to a better district, at least.

 

Which reminds me - we also lost the house we were looking at. Wow, awesome, and here I thought 2015 was going to be a good year.

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Wow, awesome, and here I thought 2015 was going to be a good year.

 

Mercury is in retrograde right now.  My entire life usually goes directly to shit (do not pass Go, do not collect $200) when that's going on, like the time I was moving and had to be out of my apartment by the end of the day, and I was going to go stay with a friend about nine hundred miles away while I searched for an apartment even though I had no job at the time -- and the day began with me tearing the driver's side mirror, and it ended with the discovery that my wallet had been stolen at some point that day.  No cash, no credit card, no debit card, no driver's license.  I never made it to the friend's house, and I now live about eight hundred miles from where I was trying to relocate to.

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@@Shalott That just all around sucks. =( I'm sure it's not any consolation and I don't know the details of what your son did, but I do think many schools have gotten kind of ridiculous with how they react to things the kids do.

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My child got expelled from his school. I am so mad, but I don't know if I am mad at him, for being an idiot; at me for not being a good enough parent to keep him from being an idiot; or at his school for not having controls on the computers students use and making it possible for him to be an idiot.

 

He's going to be homeschooled now, most likely. He's not going to the public school we are assigned, not until we move to a better district, at least.

 

Which reminds me - we also lost the house we were looking at. Wow, awesome, and here I thought 2015 was going to be a good year.

There should be no way to look for something inappropriate on the school computers so they are partially at fault! I know in our district you can't even look up frogs for some bizarre reason. I get to my kids school and I have to turn my wifi off in my phone because nothing works.

Edited by wadedl
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