Life Is Unfair

I need to get this out from my chest.

My father-in-law lives with us ever since we got married because he's old and because my husband has promised to her beloved mother to take care of his father. I thought it was OK, and I had no problem about living with his father since I never knew how is it like to have a father in my whole life.

I never thought it was hard for me to deal with this, it took me two years to adjust my life with his father. It was TOUGH and unpleasant, but I love my husband so much so I accept everything and try to be patient. It worked on the third years; I finally managed to get used to with my father in-law ANNOYING and NOSEY character.

But, unfortunately, right after the moment I thought I'd have a happy life, my sister-in-law came to this house without even talks or discusses this thing first with us, she just suddenly decided to get divorced with his drunk-pathetic husband and live with us without any PLAN for her future life.

At first, I thought we need to help her because she's in a HARD situation and I feel sorry for her daughter which I really like her a lot. She didn't even tell us for how long she'd live with us. I thought maybe like one or two years until she can find a proper job.

Her life is getting SO MUCH better after she divorced, she doesn't even have to COOK, or CLEAN the house, all she's done is just went to her part time work which is only 3 times a week (as I can recall) and came home at 8 PM everyday when the dinners is served. How many times she cooked in a month? ONE time. How many times she Vacuum Clean the house? 6 months ONE time. Who wash her father dirty clothes etc everyday? ME!

She never even wash his father dirty dishes/cups; she only wash her own dirty dish/cups. While; on the other hand, I always wash her kid's and her dirty dish/glass or cups. But, she never did the same to us/me!

I'm strong, and I keep going I tried to ignore it and try to be patient again with her. But, one day she came home and proudly announced that she finally got a FULL TIME job and told her father that she needs a CAR since she got a new job and there were no public transportations she can use.

It's none of my business, and I had no problem with that as long as she's not asking my husband's money. And you know what? She SMASHED the car to other people's house on her first day of her new job. Her father again who's paying for the damaged, and for everything she had done.

Last month she nearly got a woman killed and almost lost her car license because of that, her father again who paid everything.

Today I just heard that my father in-law is going to get another new car for her since the old car is small needs more $$ for the maintenances.

For a second there, I thought it was none of my business. But, hey she already got a job and she NEVER PAID anything in her life ever since she lives with us (mind you this house is OUR house, her father has another 2 houses one in Osaka and the other one right beside our house). Why she is still HERE? It almost 3 years now.

Why don't get she a new apartment instead of a NEW CAR and let me live my life!

You know, this is not FAIR. My mother divorced twice in her life, and it was I who had to "pay" for everything! I never know how is it like to live with REAL parents ever since I was a baby, I never know how does it feels to have your father buy things for you. I never even know how does it feels to eat breakfast/dinner with the family! AND I never know how does it feels to have a "HOME". And when I finally I thought I have a "HOME," someone came took my happiness away from me.

I remember I always have to "work" or do something so I won't feel bad about staying in other people's house. I got raped when I was 7 and 8 years old and had sexually abused my step father in my junior high years.

I didn't even know that I have a mother not until I turned 8 years old. I thought I was all alone with my grandma and had no one else to hold on to, I had to forced myself to be strong in my innocent ages. I didn't live like other regular kids did. My childhood is the worst thing I ever had in my life.

And now, right in front of my face. I see someone who's in the same positions with my mother, divorced and jobless. But, she got everything she wants so EASILY! She didn't have to pay for meal she has everyday, she didn't have to send away her daughter so she can find a job and provide her life. NO, she didn't! I took care of her daughter while she's away looking for a job.

Maybe none of you could understand my feelings, but every time I looked back and compared their life with my life before, I feel so sad and feel as though this is not fair. Why me...

I do not blame God nor anyone for whatever ever happened in my life; I KNOW that am NOT the only one who suffered and had unhappy childhood in this world, but still everything seems so unfair to me at this moment.

I feel suffocated and hard to breath right now. I used to just smile when I feel sad, but I couldn't take it anymore. It's too hard for me to keep this inside and pretend that I am happy; I don't know whether am happy or not right now, but at least I still can buy anything I want, but I guess money couldn't make me happy enough.

My life will never going to be easy, I will always have be ready for next "task of life". I am sorry for the shock and long post; I just need to get this out from my chest.

Thank you for reading.

PS. Please no personal PM regarding this thread.

Woah Leony, i dont know what to say. First of all, i'm so sorry you had to go through all that you did as a child. I hope the people that did all those horrible things to you were punished for their crimes. Ugh i'm so angry.

Secondly, your sister-in-law needs a reality check. She's taking you for a fool Leony. I think its time you spoke up. Does your husband know how you feel? Nobody can say anything bad about you if you do speak up. This woman has been living rent free in your house for 3 years while her dad pays for new cars etc.. She's working full-time now so she has no excuses. You really gotta say something honey. As you said, its not fair on you. You have your life to live too. Its not your responsibility to look after your sister-in-law or her daughter. Sure you can be of help but not their carer!

Please do say something. You're in my thoughts **HUGS**

I agree with Laura. I don´t think anybody would be mad if you speak up. have you ever talked to your husband about how you feel? since she is his sister he might not really want to see the reality, but if you make him see it maybe he´ll understand and support your opinion. I mean everybody should see that this is not right.

it´s one thing to get help from your family, but staying there for 3 years and letting other people pay and clean for you is not right. especially since she has a full time job now. you are completely right to not agree with that kind of behavior. especially since you have been through so much, which I am so sorry to hear about.

I am guessing she doesn´t know what you had to deal with all your life, cause if she did she´d get her ass out of your house ASAP and start getting her own life.

I hope you can sort this out, and I´m sure your husband will support your opinion. take care, and no worries about the long post. we´re here for you!!!! and yes, you needed to get this off your chest, I would have done the same...and I would have probably written a complete novel about it :icon_redf

:icon_love sending hugs your way :icon_love

Leony, my heart really goes out to you. You have seemed to me such a happy, cheerful person since I have joined MUT and I would never have guessed how much hardship you have been through and are going through right now.

I have to agree with the other girls, talking to your husband about how you feel about things is the best thing to do. Does he have any idea how you feel and how hard all this is for you? I'm sure at the end of the day, the most important thing for him is his wife's happiness, especially after the childhood you had. Finally, like you say, you have a home where you can be happy, and you should be allowed do that.

I really really hope that things work out for you. You are a lovely beautiful person and don't deserve to be so sad. You have done so much for your husband's sister already, and it is time for her to realise that the time has come for her to stand on her own two feet, without having you to run around for her.

Take care pet. ((HUGS)) :icon_love

OH my dear Leony,I am so sorry. I am sorry for your horrible childhood.

In this situation you did MORE than I ever could-excepting 2 members toYOUR home,and doing all those things for htem...You are one great WOMAN!

I can totally understand when enough is enough!Maybe you would try and talk to your hubbie about it,maybe he could help sort that sister out.

anyhow,I am not the bestest to give advice,but I am with you with all my heart and am thinking of you!

Love ya!

Thank you girls.

The thing is I couldn't ask them to get out of the house, because I don't want the same bad thing happened to her daughter as what happened to me in childhood life before. At least not until her daughter in third or four grades.

But I couldn't stand her pathetic excuses and she's being ungrateful for the good life she has right now. I feel like I want to scream and tell her what kind of life I had through, and tell her the reality is SUCK but I couldn't.

Then how about you sit down with your hubby & sister-in-law and just tell her that she needs to do more around the house. Since she is working full-time, she should contribute to household expenses etc.. and start helping more.

Oh, Leony I'm so sorry you had to go through all that pain as a child! Things like that really make me angry and sad at the same time!

I agree with the others, you really should talk to your husband about it and also to your sister-in-law. It is your home they are living in and if she doesn't have the decency to offer to cover some expenses, help you cook and clean around the house, you should remind her that that is the right thing to do. Because she is taking you and your help for granted; and is using your kindness. I think that 3 years is more than enough to start over.

I hope everything will work out for the best; because you deserve the best. And just because your life was hard in the past, it doesn't mean you future has to be hard as well.

Sending you lots of love, best wishes and hugs :icon_love:icon_love:icon_love:icon_love

Leony, I'm so sorry to hear of your painful childhood, but I must commend you on what a strong, loving woman you have become! It is so generous of you to take in family. It's not unreasonable to expect contributions from your sister-in-law. If the tables were turned and you were living with her trying to get back on your feet, don't you think she would expect the same from you?

I definitely agree that a conversation between the three of you is long overdue. I would suggest expressing your feelings to your husband first and then among the three of you. I am a 26 year old single mother, who lives with her parents. I know firsthand how it is to be a guest in someone's home. I also had a hard time with sharing in responsibility. Granted, you are not your sister-in-law's mother, but it may be as simple as asking for her to pitch in. Even though I'm 26, moving back into my parents house made me feel safe and somewhat childlike in my fragile situation. So, I reverted to the mindset of a teenager at some points, not even thinking twice about what I could do to help. The bottom line is, my parents confronted me and things are better. I still have my moments. I shouldn't have to ever be reminded, but that is where individuality comes into play. Unfortunately, all people don't have as much consideration as they should. It may take a little "training" per se in the form of constant reminders.

In addition, I would suggest, if you can tolerate it, interacting in conversation with your sister-in-law. Show an interest emotionally in getting her back on her feet (and the heck out of your house), but be as genuine as you can be.

I hope this helps.

Stay strong hunny! And you're right, money can't buy you happiness.

(((HUGS))))

When bad things happen to children, that they don't understand, it is possible that they may, in part, blame themselves in some way, when they are not to blame in any way. It seems you are trying hard to prevent something happening, that probably won't happen, and making yourself feel responsible for the upbringing that your sister-in-law may be giving to her daughter. But her child is her responsibility, not yours. You would be in no way to blame for anything that happens as a consequence of your sister-in-law leaving.

You have become a strong, responsible and very good person and by living a good life you have shown how much better you are than those who harmed you in your past. It would be a shame if your kindness was used against you by your sister in law. That means your goodness is allowing a bad person to remain bad. I think you deserve that happiness you have earned, and sometimes we have to do things to defend our happiness. You would be totally justified in getting your sister-in-law out of the house, by fair means or foul - but those who suggested talking to your husband were giving good advice, too - it would help a lot if he agrees.

I don't know if your husband is Japanese? But in a Japanese traditional family I have heard the wife is in control of the house and the family finances. You would be totally justified in controlling what goes on in your house.

I don't really have a right to give any advice really - and from what you have said I am sure you will know the right thing to do, and the strength that has helped you in the past will carry you through this temporary situation.

Leony I'm so sorry you went through all these horrible things in your life. I can't imagine what it was like. You seemed to have risen above it all and must have been a very strong person to do so. I commend you on that.:clap

But....concering the situation with your sister-in-law and father-in-law - - THIS IS YOUR HOME and YOUR SPACE and you need to first have a private long talk with your husband and second you need to SPEAK UP to your sister-in-law. If you don't, I'm afraid this might affect your marriage or your health. This kind of stress can't be good for your health and well being. Please have a talk with your husband and come to some kind of agreement. Your sister-in-law needs to GET OUT of your house, it sounds like she's taking advantage of you big time. Perhaps her daughter can live with you until her mother gets back on her feet. But one thing is, that sister-in-law needs a reality check.

Good luck!!!

im so sorry to hear that happen to you when you were younger leony. i agree life isnt fare sometime. i think you really need to tell her something esp if she doesnt even do anything for her father!!! she has a full time job and can save money since she doesnt pay for anything anyway and move out so she can have her OWN stuff. i really think you sould let her know something but def in a nice way.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Leony.

I agree with the other girls about talking with your husband and your sister-in-law.

I understand you're worried about her daughter, but this way she's not setting a very good example for her either. If she gets her act together, her daughter can learn from her.

And about the money... it's great you don't have financial problems, but nobody will be mad at you when you say your unhappy even though you have all the money you need. Money doesn't make you happy and you have the right to speak up when you're unhappy about sth!

Good luck, Leony!

Oh Leony, I'm so sorry! <<HUGS>>

I agree with the others, you really need to sit down with your husband and sister-in-law and talk. Your husband needs to know how you feel and you sister-in-law needs to start pulling her weight around the house. I understand that you do not want to kick her out of the house and that's fine, but she has to start doing things to help out. Asking someone to help clean up or do dishes or the wash really isn't a lot. She should be able to help you out with those things.

Good luck sweetie and hang in there!

Leony, I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> But if I understand this correctly...your MIL is deceased or no longer in the house, and you're living in your FIL's house? If this is the case, I have a feeling you have taken on the role of the matriarch and the others have, consciously or not, attributed to you every role that your MIL had. If she was a silent "do everything workerbee" in the house, it's easy to see how your husband, FIL and SIL would see you that way too. Since you are a stay-at-home wife, it was easy for them to see you slip into your MIL's shoes. When SIL came back home, she went back to a routine that she probably had when she was a teenager, which means she relies on 'mommy' to take care of her. Of course her dad is going to agree with this because that's the way it's always been, and it's usually the mom that pushes the daughter to be less lazy, not the dad.

Since this is the father's house and you are the DIL living there, it's going to be tricky getting the workload to balance out evenly if FIL doesn't agree with your thoughts of SIL taking on more responsibilities. Especially since you don't have a job outside the house. Remember, I'm a stay-at-home wife too and I know the drill about household duties. :icon_redf

I don't know you but I am so saddened by you post. I do believe that you have to put boundaries up somewhere. Does your husband know you feel this way. It is one thing to help family, it is another to get taken advantage of . I think God will bless your efforts. You say you don't blame him, so you must believe in Him. I know His will is not for you to feel this way. Maybe you should lean on Him.

omg i'm so sorry you had to go through. poor little baby.

i kinda know how you feel. i had a hard childhood too.

I really think you NEED to talk with your husband. this CANT continue.

3 years! i cant believe you lived that 3 long years.

i understand you dont want her daughter to suffer. but geez, this woman need to get a life! your not her mom. she have a dad. if he can pay for 2 cars, he probably can help her paying a rent or something.

youre still so young, you need to live your life with your husband. together.

hope it will be better soon.

but please, do something, you cant live like that anymore

things HAVE to change.

Hello-

Leony, I don't really know you as I am new here but from your posts I have read, you are truly a genuine,loving,giving,sweet person. I'm not sure what advice I can give you but I will try my best.

First of all, it is good to get things off your chest and to vent so never feel bad about that. You need to stop letting your sister-in-law have power over your life and how you feel. She seems like she hasn't been told no in her life very often and she takes for granted the kindness that people show her. She may even expect it from people and when people like yourself are so giving as a natural personality trait, it allows her to go on believing that deserves it.

Let your husband know how you feel if you haven't already. He probably feels the same way and then you two can talk to her about how it's going to be from now on if she wants to continue living in your house. Set the rules firmly and let her know that there will be no whining or complaining. If she goes to your father-in-law and complains, let him know firmly as he may feel guilty himself about what is going on. Don't apologize or start anything off with I'm sorry.

I commend you for taking care of your of all your new family members even if they don't deserve it. I'm so sorry about your childhood and you have made great strides to put the past behind and that is awesome! Just don't let yourself get trapped in a situation where you are giving more to other people than yourself.

Sending lots of hugs and well wishes your way.

Leony, I hate what happened to you as a girl and all that you had to go through! I am truly sorry. I agree with what everyone else has said, talk to your husband. Talk to him before you confront his sister. You've done your part and allowed her to stay with you until she got a job. Now that she has a full time job, you want to let your husband know that you are interested in knowing what her next move is as far as getting her own place. When you finally do speak with your SIL try get her to commit to a certain time frame for when she will be ready to leave.

I know God will work this out for you. God Bless.