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Mina

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A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

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There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

 

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

 

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

 

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

 

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

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An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

 

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."

 

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."

 

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."

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Jesus came across an adulteress crouching in a corner with a crowd around her preparing to stone her to death. Jesus stopped them and said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress. At which point Jesus looked over and said, "Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!"

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Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...

 

So, I goes up to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

 

He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

 

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

 

So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!

 

This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...

But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...

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There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

 

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

 

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

 

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."

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Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!'" "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

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A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

 

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

 

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

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A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

 

The guy says OK, and drives away.

 

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

 

The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"

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Once upon a time, a beautiful princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

 

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so."

 

That night the princess had frogs legs for dinner.

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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

 

"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

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Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

 

A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.

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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.

 

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"

 

"You'll see", he replies.

 

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.

 

"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."

 

His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a ****ing ******* ..." :laughing:

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Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

 

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" :add_wegbrech:

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A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"

 

She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

 

He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"

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One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.

 

Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

 

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

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A blonde desperately needed some money, so she decided to kidnap someone. So she went to the park and she grabbed this kid.

 

Then she wrote a note saying, "If you ever want to see your child again, leave 10,000 dollars in a paper bag in the northwest corner of the park." then she signed it 'THE BLONDE' and told the kid to give it to his mom.

 

The next day she went to the northwest corner of the park and got the paper bag. It had the money in it and a note from the mother that said, "How could you do this to another blonde?":rotfl:

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What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

 

Honda ... because the apostles were all in one accord.

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lmao, i've read some of these b4, but they are all very funni. Thanx for sharing

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other two kept only 10, 20 thousand Lawyer took $30,000 dollar and he just made a check which mean nothing...LOL

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