He wants me back & it hurts

this is a long story i will do my best to condense it.

I have a husband. I love him but we stopped getting along...to the point where we would have scraeming violent fights and horrible arguments saying the worst things imaginable to one another.

He moved to Hawai'i without me and wanted me back. I came. He bruised me up.

He moved all the way to california now (I live in the southeast).

He sends me messages either begging me back and swearing his undying love, he says he hates himself for how he treated me. When I tell him we hurt one another too much for me to be with him again/anymore and I still want a divorce, he begins to cry and or tell me he is a peice of (doodoo) and wished he were dead, for some of the things he had said and done to me. He seems to take a perverse joy in outlining how much I hate him. Or that I don't care now and never did. Or how I make him cry.

Ladies and gentlemen, he abandoned ME! He flew out of town and never came back!I'll never understand.

this all after I say "no, honey I won't come out there. I can't be with you anymore. I am too afraid." etcetera.

If that isn't bad enough he accusing me of losing my very MIND...he called me last september and said he had begun sleeping with a female "roomate" and now he swears up and down I made the whole conversation UP. He said some really horrid things to me in that conversation, I will never forget it. I lost like 10 pounds after that call that particular week...and he doesn't remember it?!

We had a lot of "my" friends that had become mutual friends and all of them thought I had gone mad and made it up because I would call them in tears and they would be like "UM no he swore he never said that to you." Well it turns out he never did sleep with her but...

It matters little at this point whether he said it or not, or whether he was loyal to me or not. I want the verbal and physical abuse to stop and we already tried therapists and counselors etcetera. i only have been married like 2 1/2 years but we were a couple for almost six years.

How should I handle the situation? I don't want to hurt him anymore at all....but when I tell him I can't be with him he begins to like call himself names or even bring up things I did in the past that hurt me. My hands are dirty with this too, when he brings up the past I remind him of crazy mean stuff he did too. I know I need to STOP that.

My guy friends tell me just to never pick up my cellphone and ignore his instant messages no matter how "sweet" they are.

Breaking up is hard to do. What should I do? Should I cease contact with him altogether? We did have quite a few phonecalls and messages that were friendly and warm, it was actually very nice, but I almost feel like I am leading on my own husband to talk to him like that. yes I miss him yes I love him but I am afraid to go back to him.

I go into tears off and on cause i still love him but i love myself too much to risk being traeted like that anymore....or for me to go on back and treat him awfully like I did as well. I don't want to ignore him unless I HAVE to....i can't just turn off the fact that I care about him

Breaking up IS hard to do. It SUCKS big time !! I am from India and my father always repeats one hindi proverb, which I will translate for you... " A monkey will NEVER forget to leap because THAT is his true nature ". Your husband will ALWAYS revert to his true self. It hurts right now, but it will get better. It always does. Time is a wonderful healer. Think of the bigger picture.. you dont want to live like this forever. You dont deserve this !! Dont think that you will hurt him. Think that you are saving YOURSELF from the abuse. What if he ends up hurting you so bad that he leaves some permanent scars or worse yet, he kills you ?? And what about all the times when HE hurt you ?

Stay strong. You will get through this. I promise.

Hugs,

Nicole

I have no idea what to tell you other than to give you some mental support. I know, that doesn't put food on the table as they say. I know how hard it is to get over someone who, well, doesn't treat you that great but you still can't stop thinking about the good times and he's not a b**tard like, all the time.

This guy never hit me, he just tortured my soul, which is not fun either. I've been there, and there's no easy way out, but one day, you will find a way...and I tell you, I think it'll be sooner than later with the way you're talking and seeing the light.

Keep Strong, and just remember, he can still love you and not be right or healthy for you.

Break-ups are the worst thing imagineable...everybody goes through them. Unfortunately the saying "A leopard never changes its spots" is true. If someone repeatedly has hurt you in the past, its bound to happen again. Everything hppens for a reason. Something bigger and better is out there for you.

Believe<3

I think its important to get clear on what you are wanting...not from him, but from life in general. If you are unwilling to go back (and I don't blame you) then you need to just file for divorce. Just file the papers and move on. Filing for divorce does not mean that you do not still care about the other person...it just means that you recognize the fact that you two can no longer be together.

I can imagine how hard it would be to deal with someone who is emotionally abusive...and the only way you can really stop him from calling you is by changing your phone number and not giving it to him. Sounds harsh...but sometimes that effectively gets the point across.

And, as much as you may love him...the only way you will be able to move past this is if you love YOURSELF more. Love yourself enough to move away from his abusive behavior and work on your own issues. Only then will you find someone who compliments you beautifully, loves you unconditionally, and with whom you can live with passionately and peacefully.

I wish you much love and luck. (((hugs)))

The physical abuse alone warrants you to NOT go back to him! File for divorce and move on! I hope Shelley sees this so she can offer some insight as her past relationship was almost, almost similar. I wish you the best, but PLEASE don't go back to him!

wow the curse of hawaii i had problems with my husband when i moved out there to, and i dont want to go into detail on this thread and share my story with anyone but if you want to talk you can pm me

Ending a marriage is really tough. I have been through a divorce myself.

As Dr phil says - the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

You have been with him for 6 turbulant years. You said that the two of you have tried councelling yet you continued to have violent fights.

This relationship is toxic and dysfunctional.

He needs to understand why he is abusive and manipulative.

You need to understand why his behavior is acceptable to you.

Until he stops abusing you, and you stop tolerating the abuse, you guys need to stay away from each other. Big hugs to you honey.

Every wife beater "will never do it again". They are filled with sadness as soon as they realise what they have done. They are triggered by silly little things. If he did in fact beat you or bruise you, I see no reason why you should stay with such a person. In my opinion, Stick with your guts. dont go back. Next, your friends may be called up to come identify your body. Dont go back.

I'll tell you the same thing that I tell my girlfriend. Anytime a man can put his hands on you and hurt you, he does not love you. Anything or anyone that you love, you will not hurt in any kind of way. Please remember this.

I agree completely. If they do it once they will do it again.

Have been where you are. Do whatever you have to do to get aware from him. If you care for him tell him he needs help--anger management, psychriast, stress management. When you love somebody--you don't hit them. Nobody deserves to be hit. Pardon me but---tell him to get the f--k out. He could hurt you. Peryeoliceman:

yes, we fought there but it wasn't even the first time honey he bruised me up bad in March while we were living here down in the southeast...and i flew out to be with him in hawai'i in august. may make me sound a bit dense, but my heart was thinking for me instead of my head! I cannot blame hawai'i though...we were homeless and lived outside the entire time in a tent with a matress within it...dreadfully romantic soudning and a difficult life indeed but still will remain a cherished memory.

Indeed, I still love him to peices but I can't go back or he will get into a hateful mood and hate me to peices.

I do belive people CAN change (explains my going back to him even when it was ill advised) but it takes dedication and a lOT of hard work...he didn't put forth a lot of effort into being different or handling his anger better and I didn't do much to not aggravate him sometimes...I can never say "I deserved the abuse" but I can have a horrible horrible mouth, at my worst i am the queen of mean....people who know me best know it will pass or its just a foul mood and i am all heart.

agh! maybe i should change my phone number. But I have so many interesting new friends...*ducks and grins*:moa:

i dont want to be a statistic like that and like 1 in 3 homicides done to females is from an ex or current partner, the statistic scared some sense into me when i remember the warm fuzzy good times.

permenant scars? already have one on my cheek. its not worth it. He left me so i dont have to tell him to get the funk out...*giggles* and i fail to see why he wants me back after he left me for a state 2,000 miles away and has told me he hated me and to go...funk myself more times than I care to count. agh! I was always disgusted at his mood swings and the wasy they affected us....and if he cannto make up his mind to love me and just love me..fight fair and not have shouting matches...etc etc well it may be up to me to make up his mind for him and just file for a divorce.

thank you ladies (and gentlemen if there were any) for listening to me and your kind sensible advice

Blessings and Loves,

mela

understanding? i held my breath to TJIS quote..so insightful indeed.

"I thought he would stop"

"he said he'd never do it again"

"he got therapy and took meds for his major depressive mood disorder"

"he said things would be less stressful after school was over"

many more but I have said my peice. thank you, Friend.

Hiya, sorry to hear of your problems with your husband.Some people believe marraige is for betetr or worse but your husbands fatal mistake was laying his hands on you in a violent fashion.It sounds like you oht have a violent turbulnt relationship and it takes a long time for people to change if indeed he will,.its ot something that happens overnight.You hae tried councelling etc,maybe you should just try to accet that this relationship is not for yo (difficult i know) Oh and it doesn;t matter how lippy or cheeky you get, there is no excuse for violence.Zero tolerance.I hope you can move on from this,.and yes sometimes its hard trying to stay friends with an ex or in your case hubby,but you are not responsible for him.He's a grown man.I hope you have a good Christmas and your future is bright.

:dito: emily 3383

jst wanted to give you a huge :hug: .

stay strong ....

oh man. what a mess. well, i've never and i hope i never go through a divorce. but i have been through a bad break-up and it's hard. i think if you are seriously done with the relationship, then you should stand your ground and get your divorce. no man can ever justify bruising up a woman! imo, that was the deal breaker.