Family is Coming, Happy? No!

Hi everyone, well this is more of a rant. I have some family coming over to visit from another country. Don't get me wrong, I like them, they are real nice. The only thing is that they critize everyone, not about what they don't or do have, but rather what they look like. If you are a bit overweight, they will make you know it!

In high school I was 111 lbs, I was in shape and everything. But during college I got a super bad case of the stomach flu and I gained about 30 to 40 pounds. Last time I went to visit them, they kept telling me how fat I was and how ugly I was for gaining so much weight. Its been hard, but I have learned to love my body and I think im not fat, I think im average and I get attention from boys and stuff like that. But I know they are just going to make me hate myself again like they did last time that I visited them. Gosh, last time I had one freaken zit on my face and they made this huge deal about it! IT wasen't in private either, it was in a restaurant, I felt so bad I just got up and left and started to cry. I mean, its fine if they feel like they need to make comments on my appearance on how to improve myself and I am all for constructive critism, but they go beyond that are just plain mean. What made things worse that one time, was that instead of my mom telling me that I shouldn't listen to them or that I was okay even with that zit on my face she said that I was making such a big deal about it. I knew she was going to sa that, she always gets on their side and joins in with the mean comments. She has always been like that, even though she's older than them (my ungle is her little brother) she never stands up to him in anything, she's such a follower, even though she knows she's hurting people by joining in, she still keps doing it cuz she dosen't want to be an "outsider" to them. What makes me more mad is that she blames me for them making them comments or reacting the way I do. She says that If i haden't gained the weight, then they wouldne't be making fun of me, but I look normal and average! Is there anything wrong with not looking super skinny, I mean I can run and do all kinds of things, its not like im unhealthy or can't go up the stairs or something. Just remembeing that one time and all the other moments makes me cry.

The sick thing about everything is that they have these 2 chilren and they are nice, but the thing is that they are only 15 and like 13 and they are all obsessed about counting calories and their weight! Gosh, they are only children! Once the 13 year old gained like 2 pounds and my uncle had him go to the gym and work out for a whole straight week until he lost that weight! Just 2 freaken lbs!!!!

I just don't know what to do, they are going to stay with me for a whole month and I just know my weight and my zit is going to come up in every conversation.

Oh sweetie, PLEASE don't let them get to you! You are beautiful and if you are comfortable with yourself, that's all that matters.

I have a big extended family and they can also be critical, but not in a mean way. I love my aunt to death but she always talks about my weight. If I've gained ONE pound, she'll notice and tell me that she sees me fatter today. Then she'll bring up some friend of hers that tried some diet and how I should try it too.

She always tells me if I just lose TEN pounds I'll be fine and she has even told me she'll take me on a shopping spree if I do it. Um, don't you think I try? I get really, really sick of it... but I've learned to brush it off and not let it get to me. My family is all petite, and I have a few extra pounds on me. So you can imagine how I feel!

Anyways, don't let them get to you! Some people just don't think before they talk!

Originally Posted by natalierb /img/forum/go_quote.gif Oh sweetie, PLEASE don't let them get to you! You are beautiful and if you are comfortable with yourself, that's all that matters.
I have a big extended family and they can also be critical, but not in a mean way. I love my aunt to death but she always talks about my weight. If I've gained ONE pound, she'll notice and tell me that she sees me fatter today. Then she'll bring up some friend of hers that tried some diet and how I should try it too.

She always tells me if I just lose TEN pounds I'll be fine and she has even told me she'll take me on a shopping spree if I do it. Um, don't you think I try? I get really, really sick of it... but I've learned to brush it off and not let it get to me. My family is all petite, and I have a few extra pounds on me. So you can imagine how I feel!

Anyways, don't let them get to you! Some people just don't think before they talk!

Thank you that makes me feel better I try not to get to me, but it always does

Yeah just do your best to brush it off. Just realize that they're opinions are not the same as everyone else's. Anyone else would say that you're beautiful and that there's nothing wrong with how much you weigh. I would tell you to say something to them about it in a polite way, but I have a feeling from what you've said that it would fall on deaf ears. So I'd just ignore it.

I can understand this would upset you. It is quite rude of them to be making these comments, ganging up on you. I wonder if you pull your mom aside before their arrival and have a heart to heart chat with her about this. Tell her that it hurts your feelings and when she gets pulled into it and starts making comments, it makes you feel even worse.

I hope everything works out for you. Please keep us updated.

I grew up with a mother that was very critical.

When I was a child, I had to tolerate her comments.

But as an adult, I cut her off as soon as I know she is going to be critical or complain about me.

This is an exercise for boundaries. If you are being criticized, you can become assertive and take control of the comments.

When using this technique:

a) you show acceptance of the "nugget of truth" that you hear in someone else's message.

B) acknowledge your own mistakes, differences and limitations.

c) remember that agreeing to one piece of common ground does not mean you have lost anything. It does mean you may be helping the other person to listen in return to your feedback.

General examples:

1) You're right. I did forget to call yesterday.

2) That's true. I didn't think it's important to have supper ready everynight.

3) You hit the nail on the head. I don't feel the same way as you.

If your family says that you are a bit heavy or have a breakout, respond with:

1) You are right. But I like the way I look now.

2) That is true. But the men I date love the way I look.

3) Good observation. But I like myself just the way I am.

If they come back with another criticism, you come back with another responce.

I know this exercise might sound a bit hokey but try a few examples out with your mom or a friend. Once you get a few responces under your belt, you'll be better prepared for your relatives.

Originally Posted by Carolyn /img/forum/go_quote.gif I grew up with a mother that was very critical.When I was a child, I had to tolerate her comments.

But as an adult, I cut her off as soon as I know she is going to be critical or complain about me.

This is an exercise for boundaries. If you are being criticized, you can become assertive and take control of the comments.

When using this technique:

a) you show acceptance of the "nugget of truth" that you hear in someone else's message.

B) acknowledge your own mistakes, differences and limitations.

c) remember that agreeing to one piece of common ground does not mean you have lost anything. It does mean you may be helping the other person to listen in return to your feedback.

General examples:

1) You're right. I did forget to call yesterday.

2) That's true. I didn't think it's important to have supper ready everynight.

3) You hit the nail on the head. I don't feel the same way as you.

If your family says that you are a bit heavy or have a breakout, respond with:

1) You are right. But I like the way I look now.

2) That is true. But the men I date love the way I look.

3) Good observation. But I like myself just the way I am.

If they come back with another criticism, you come back with another responce.

I know this exercise might sound a bit hokey but try a few examples out with your mom or a friend. Once you get a few responces under your belt, you'll be better prepared for your relatives.

Good advice!!!!!! I need to start exercising some of these. God knows I need it because i might have an aneurysm from all the yelling that goes on.

That sucks! I have found that as I am getting older,I cant put up with that kind of behavior from anyone family or not,and I get pretty vocal about it. Dont let them disrespect you.

Honestly? I would forgo spending any time with the family. Just because they're family does not mean that you should put up with the abuse.

I cannot believe that people are so mean. Especially to family. You have no control over their verbal diarrhea...but that doesn't mean that you have to abuse yourself and subject yourself to that kind of treatment.

whoa a whole month. Well id greet them the first day and avoid them as muchas i can later. lol

Originally Posted by VenusGoddess /img/forum/go_quote.gif Honestly? I would forgo spending any time with the family. Just because they're family does not mean that you should put up with the abuse.
I cannot believe that people are so mean. Especially to family. You have no control over their verbal diarrhea...but that doesn't mean that you have to abuse yourself and subject yourself to that kind of treatment.

I totally agree

Thanks everyone, I know I can always count on my MUT friends for help and great advice. I think that I will def. try to be more direct with my mom. I try to tell her that what she does is not right and that she woulden't feel good if I did the same to her, but she always pulls a guilt trip on me and makes me feel bad. I think she dosen't realize how much it hurts when she does this, I mean it hurts that my family does it, but my mom just hurts even more

I wasen't sure how to avoid them because I taught I would only have to work since I was only signed up for one summer course and its over in 2 weeks, but thankfully I found a way to avoid them, my scholarship offered to pay for a second summer course so I signed up for one that starts on the week they get here and ends the week they leave and also, I asked my boss if could work more hours so my excuse is that I have to work and go to class. Wel will see what happens when they get here. I reall don't want them to come.

Again, thanks for the advice, I am def going to follow it

And Kaylen_marie thanks for your comments my exbf thought I was gorgeous and he still does, he always tells me. I always get comments from people, good ones. So I don't know what my family has against me. I mean they are so not beautiful! Just because they are all skinny and stuff they think they are cute or something, but they don't even look healthy skinny, they just look small.