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- Feb 18, 2007
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It feels like everything I do I just don't belong. It has always felt like that, mostly at school. Ever since even elementary school, I have never fit in. I can remember being as young as grade 3 and having these problems. Im not talking about having a small group of friends either, and not being 'popular'. I've usually been alone. I can't even make a small group of friends. The girl people know but never seem to care about or talk to. When it comes time to partner up, im always the one left behind...maybe atleast ONE other person will be left out too, if im lucky.
I don't know what it is either. Im shy yeah, but so are others..and they manage to atleast be friends with the other shy people. But for me i've always been alone. Im nice, friendly, most people find me entertaining that actually know me well...and im pretty decent looking, even above the norm. Even the shallow people should care a little eh? Nope. I've never understood why. Maybe it is my personality, but the people who are close to me love me? I definately know my flaws but my personality has never been one of them. It's one of lifes mysteries and I will never understand.
Im saying this now because every day I find it increasingly difficult to fit in at college. We have a lot of partner projects and the last few I have been alone..and nobody has even noticed. Yesterday in Toronto I had to basically follow a group of girls so I wouldnt get lost. Im pretty sure they were annoyed by me by the end of the day. Even when I try to make friends they don't seem too interested in me (maybe that part is my paranoia) but after a few days of them kinda just talking to me when I talk to them, I feel they are bothered by it and stop trying. Then im alone again. I don't want to be the one who has to try so hard all the time, why don't people try to befriend me for once?
I finally met a girl I thought was cool but recently she has been giving me attitude over the stupidest things, we worked on a project together and she wouldnt let me use any of my ideas and was snippy with me. Yesterday she totally ditched me in Toronto and we met back up at the fashion show and she raised her voice at me when I was blocking her way to her seat (not my fault..ugh) and told me I was in her way. Today she didn't even speak to me. I didn't do anything at all wrong. I noticed she isnt snippy with others as she is to me.
Im definately not too clingy, I am paranoid people will think I am so I give them space. That cant be a reason why people don't really care for me. Recently because of all my past problems with fitting in, whenever I talk to someone im paranoid they hate me right off the bat. Im sick of not fitting in. I know im different, I have different morals and tend to be too 'goody goody' but people don't even take the chance to KNOW that about me. It's not that they don't LIKE me, they just..don't bother with me. If I talk to them yeah they will talk to me back and be nice but they'll never initiate to be my partner or hang out with me or anything.
I am just the fly on the wall. I need to rant about it. I don't want to be mrs. popular, I just want to have options you know..have a partner when I need one. Have a few friends that share my interests. But im so alone, and I have always been. The only place I have ever felt I 'belong' is at work...and im 700 miles away from that now. I also feel I belong at MUT, but i've always felt I belong on the internet...i've met the best people here (MUT and off) they are my closest friends. But I have to wonder, if we had met in real life, would they be the same as everyone else, and barely notice me?
I keep hoping there will be that one person, that one person who will be just like me..and we will click and be best friends for years and years to come, and be my partner...hang out with me. It hasnt happened. It's funny, people always want to find 'love' well I have found love, he's my bestfriend and is just like me, but im looking for friendship. That is the one thing ive never been able to find or keep.
I need to know if there is anyone else out there like me. Do you always find yourself alone?
I really miss my home, where the very few..like one..friend I have understands me. Even then we don't really spend time together outside of talking on the net/work.
It's just..so hard and I don't know why. There has to be something about me that has caused this since I was a little kid. All the years of school and talking to all sorts people has left me with literally, no friends.When everyone else around me seems to make them and keep them, I have had friends yes, mostly in middle school (the happiest times of my life) but none of them are my friends now.
Im sorry this is so long!!
I don't know what it is either. Im shy yeah, but so are others..and they manage to atleast be friends with the other shy people. But for me i've always been alone. Im nice, friendly, most people find me entertaining that actually know me well...and im pretty decent looking, even above the norm. Even the shallow people should care a little eh? Nope. I've never understood why. Maybe it is my personality, but the people who are close to me love me? I definately know my flaws but my personality has never been one of them. It's one of lifes mysteries and I will never understand.
Im saying this now because every day I find it increasingly difficult to fit in at college. We have a lot of partner projects and the last few I have been alone..and nobody has even noticed. Yesterday in Toronto I had to basically follow a group of girls so I wouldnt get lost. Im pretty sure they were annoyed by me by the end of the day. Even when I try to make friends they don't seem too interested in me (maybe that part is my paranoia) but after a few days of them kinda just talking to me when I talk to them, I feel they are bothered by it and stop trying. Then im alone again. I don't want to be the one who has to try so hard all the time, why don't people try to befriend me for once?
I finally met a girl I thought was cool but recently she has been giving me attitude over the stupidest things, we worked on a project together and she wouldnt let me use any of my ideas and was snippy with me. Yesterday she totally ditched me in Toronto and we met back up at the fashion show and she raised her voice at me when I was blocking her way to her seat (not my fault..ugh) and told me I was in her way. Today she didn't even speak to me. I didn't do anything at all wrong. I noticed she isnt snippy with others as she is to me.
Im definately not too clingy, I am paranoid people will think I am so I give them space. That cant be a reason why people don't really care for me. Recently because of all my past problems with fitting in, whenever I talk to someone im paranoid they hate me right off the bat. Im sick of not fitting in. I know im different, I have different morals and tend to be too 'goody goody' but people don't even take the chance to KNOW that about me. It's not that they don't LIKE me, they just..don't bother with me. If I talk to them yeah they will talk to me back and be nice but they'll never initiate to be my partner or hang out with me or anything.
I am just the fly on the wall. I need to rant about it. I don't want to be mrs. popular, I just want to have options you know..have a partner when I need one. Have a few friends that share my interests. But im so alone, and I have always been. The only place I have ever felt I 'belong' is at work...and im 700 miles away from that now. I also feel I belong at MUT, but i've always felt I belong on the internet...i've met the best people here (MUT and off) they are my closest friends. But I have to wonder, if we had met in real life, would they be the same as everyone else, and barely notice me?
I keep hoping there will be that one person, that one person who will be just like me..and we will click and be best friends for years and years to come, and be my partner...hang out with me. It hasnt happened. It's funny, people always want to find 'love' well I have found love, he's my bestfriend and is just like me, but im looking for friendship. That is the one thing ive never been able to find or keep.
I need to know if there is anyone else out there like me. Do you always find yourself alone?
I really miss my home, where the very few..like one..friend I have understands me. Even then we don't really spend time together outside of talking on the net/work.
It's just..so hard and I don't know why. There has to be something about me that has caused this since I was a little kid. All the years of school and talking to all sorts people has left me with literally, no friends.When everyone else around me seems to make them and keep them, I have had friends yes, mostly in middle school (the happiest times of my life) but none of them are my friends now.
Im sorry this is so long!!