Does anybody just never 'fit in' ?

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It feels like everything I do I just don't belong. It has always felt like that, mostly at school. Ever since even elementary school, I have never fit in. I can remember being as young as grade 3 and having these problems. Im not talking about having a small group of friends either, and not being 'popular'. I've usually been alone. I can't even make a small group of friends. The girl people know but never seem to care about or talk to. When it comes time to partner up, im always the one left behind...maybe atleast ONE other person will be left out too, if im lucky.

I don't know what it is either. Im shy yeah, but so are others..and they manage to atleast be friends with the other shy people. But for me i've always been alone. Im nice, friendly, most people find me entertaining that actually know me well...and im pretty decent looking, even above the norm. Even the shallow people should care a little eh? Nope. I've never understood why. Maybe it is my personality, but the people who are close to me love me? I definately know my flaws but my personality has never been one of them. It's one of lifes mysteries and I will never understand.

Im saying this now because every day I find it increasingly difficult to fit in at college. We have a lot of partner projects and the last few I have been alone..and nobody has even noticed. Yesterday in Toronto I had to basically follow a group of girls so I wouldnt get lost. Im pretty sure they were annoyed by me by the end of the day. Even when I try to make friends they don't seem too interested in me (maybe that part is my paranoia) but after a few days of them kinda just talking to me when I talk to them, I feel they are bothered by it and stop trying. Then im alone again. I don't want to be the one who has to try so hard all the time, why don't people try to befriend me for once?

I finally met a girl I thought was cool but recently she has been giving me attitude over the stupidest things, we worked on a project together and she wouldnt let me use any of my ideas and was snippy with me. Yesterday she totally ditched me in Toronto and we met back up at the fashion show and she raised her voice at me when I was blocking her way to her seat (not my fault..ugh) and told me I was in her way. Today she didn't even speak to me. I didn't do anything at all wrong. I noticed she isnt snippy with others as she is to me.

Im definately not too clingy, I am paranoid people will think I am so I give them space. That cant be a reason why people don't really care for me. Recently because of all my past problems with fitting in, whenever I talk to someone im paranoid they hate me right off the bat. Im sick of not fitting in. I know im different, I have different morals and tend to be too 'goody goody' but people don't even take the chance to KNOW that about me. It's not that they don't LIKE me, they just..don't bother with me. If I talk to them yeah they will talk to me back and be nice but they'll never initiate to be my partner or hang out with me or anything.

I am just the fly on the wall. I need to rant about it. I don't want to be mrs. popular, I just want to have options you know..have a partner when I need one. Have a few friends that share my interests. But im so alone, and I have always been. The only place I have ever felt I 'belong' is at work...and im 700 miles away from that now. I also feel I belong at MUT, but i've always felt I belong on the internet...i've met the best people here (MUT and off) they are my closest friends. But I have to wonder, if we had met in real life, would they be the same as everyone else, and barely notice me?

I keep hoping there will be that one person, that one person who will be just like me..and we will click and be best friends for years and years to come, and be my partner...hang out with me. It hasnt happened. It's funny, people always want to find 'love' well I have found love, he's my bestfriend and is just like me, but im looking for friendship. That is the one thing ive never been able to find or keep.

I need to know if there is anyone else out there like me. Do you always find yourself alone?

I really miss my home, where the very few..like one..friend I have understands me. Even then we don't really spend time together outside of talking on the net/work.

It's just..so hard and I don't know why. There has to be something about me that has caused this since I was a little kid. All the years of school and talking to all sorts people has left me with literally, no friends.When everyone else around me seems to make them and keep them, I have had friends yes, mostly in middle school (the happiest times of my life) but none of them are my friends now.

Im sorry this is so long!!

 
I feel what your sayin cuz Im the same way. Im kinda shy and look mean so some people see that and think im a evil b*tch. lol u gotta let people in and then you make friends. I know its hard but you have to be a little outgoing. I have a boyfriend who helped bring me outta my shell a little when I was younger and I kno that helped me alot ...

But girl your just paranoid about peope hating you. I do that too when Im uncomfortable in a situation. Like I just think people who give me a different vibe hate me but then I realize its not all my problem, its theirs too. You dont even seem like how you make yourself sound. I obviously never met you, but I getta shy vibe from you BUT why would someone hate you for it-- don't even be paranoid ok. If you reach out to others, theyll reach back to you, trust me.. After I talked to someone who thought I was a b*tch, their like "aw your not mean your like the nicest person" If you always stick to yourself itll just get harder. Ya gotta try.

Im still shy today but Ive gotten better. I still mostly stick to my boyfriend who is my best friend basically but I also got lots of aquantinces now and good friends too. Only a few really close ones. Just talk to people-- theyll think your not as intimidating. Or they may feel you're stuck up even when your not cuz you don't talk alot. People will see your not stuck up just shy. I know for me, I think it also had to do with being self concious but I stopped being self concious cuz I dont really care or have a reason to be. F what they think and just let yourself be free. Good luck
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Thanks..the thing is I try to get myself out there but people just don't seem interested.

 
I know how you feel, but I have always been able to fit in just enough. Everyone would be nice to me and I would be nice back. Of course!

In middle school I had my 2 best friends and in Highschool I got even more friends, but now in college people only are nice to me in class and then when class is over I will try to talk to them and its like I don't even exist to them anymore.

My friends that I made in highschool I still talk to them every so often and we had this big fight over the summer over something stupid and they haven't apologized yet so I'm still talking, but I won't hang out with them anymore.

Now my friends are my boyfriend and my family thats about it. I know I'll make friends eventually but its really lonely right now.

 
I'm so sorry, Mindy! I definitely feel the same way!

My friends that I had have all moved far away (like out of state/out of country). I've had a really hard time making friends since then.

People talk to me when I talk to them, and are polite. But I just haven't really been able to connect with anyone. So I guess I'd say that I have acquaintances, but no real friends. No one that I actually hang out with. I'm usually alone.

 
Makes me feel better shaundra, cause ya I have aquantances..but Im always alone.

I know people will just say I should try to get out more but it's not just that, it's something deeper that has always been there. It is very easy for some people to make friends without even trying, and for me..it's so hard even when I try to talk to people.

 
I think it helps to remember almost everyone in the world shares your feelings at some point of time. It will help you to remember we are all unique but not strange. I definitely feel what you are saying I went thru life very self-concious and feeling I was an odd ball. You will find people you can mesh with though trust me you will.

I was like you man those years were hard bringing tears to me.

Well you are expressing it and thats huge.

 
Well, I have to say, Mindy, the way you described everything sounds like me, almost to a tee. I know it is hard, and I wish I had some advice. I think the other girls had some really good insight, though...

 
I'm sorry you are experiencing this I been through this since i was in Kindergarten

Wit my speech impediment and chest Hearing Aids that is placed on your breast bone with straps and cord string going up to my ears holding the ear mold piece ,my glasses and the fact I was in "special class" with severely handicapped children and rode in a small mini "special bus"

I was teased so bad every day till grade 8.

I still cant fit in the social stereotype world ,the past abuse caused permanent social anxiety.. and discovered I can only be myself around a group of people only if I was tipsy

Don't mean to take over your thread want to tell you your not alone experiences this

so I totally know how you feel. I hope it gets better for you

 
Mindy,

*In true 'Nox-style', this post is a bit long, so I'm gonna put half of it into a spoiler button.*
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There were times at school, I really felt the same way. When I got out of college, I finally stopped caring about all that, and I go my own way. What I have noticed as I got older, is that even though I am an introvert, I am not 'shy'. That is an important distinction that needs to be made. There are some people who are actually extroverted around the people they know, but are 'shy' when it comes to first breaking the ice. From what I read, you may be a bit of both of these conditions, which is kinda hard to toggle.

As far as a good 'personality' is concerned, that is a characteristic that people can asses when they mingle with you. In other words, "a good personality" is subjectively judged by other people, and that is what will affect your relationships. You might think your personality is good, but when it comes to the that girl who simply "switched" on you, she may think otherwise. She sounds like she has a stinky attitude anyway, so don't take it too personal. She is not worth your thought and time.



I don't have any real sage advice, but I can share my experience with you:
With my friendships now, I tended to make friends with people who already were, or who would become friends with each other later. That helps. (It's all about keep you relevant with them. If your friends are friendly with each other, there are more chances that you will be invited to go on more outings, and you will have more chances to invite them to places also.) And also, they would speak of me more often, and that would keep me towards the front of their minds.

It strange, how I didn't really think about all the people who cared for me. But it was made apparent yesterday on my birthday. People from all over, people who I had assumed did not see me as a close friend, had re-arranged their work schedules, flew in from out of town, stopped everything they were doing, and came to see me. This has never happened before. I was pleasantly surprised. But then I thought about what I did differently.

As a business woman, it is important for me to build networks. This has unwittingly carried over into my personal life too. Every friend I had, has at least one degree of connection to another. Or in simpler words... make two friends at a time, not one. It's more efficient.

As soon as I turned everything in my mind to networks, I was able to relax about the personal life aspect. It turned from, "I didn't like the cliques in my high school. I don't fit in.", to "I'm in business and I need 'friendly' allies. I need to play the game." That is quite powerful for the mind.

You see how successful you are here at MuT? You were able to make friends, and talk to people? You see how fun it was for you? Now, take that strategy and do it face to face. You definitely gotta be mindful of the facial expressions you carry... that will make or break every single deal before the deed is started. You don't have to smile wide, but work on having the "Mona Lisa Smile" as your default face. It opens you up to all kinds of people. It WORKS, 100% guaranteed.

 
Wow Nox, I would have never thought of it that way. Think of it as MUT..would be really hard for me but I can definately see how it would work.

 
Originally Posted by MindySue /img/forum/go_quote.gif Wow Nox, I would have never thought of it that way. Think of it as MUT..would be really hard for me but I can definately see how it would work. Yeah! Just do in real life what you do here! Open up with the floor with something fun and easy to talk oodles about. On here it's easy, 'cuz we got themed sections, but I think you'll be able to figure out what clicks with other young ladies. Hair, makeup, roommates, where you're from, etc. And also act genuinely interested in what they are saying, ask easy questions that they would have no problem answering:
"What do your friends call you?"

"Oh, I know someone from there! But tell me, what's the place like?"

"These morning classes kill me? How about you, are you a morning person?"

"Where do you go after class?" <--BIG one! They may invite you to go also.

"What are you doing for lunch?" <-- That is basically your invitation.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" <-- If you're feeling brave that day.

Also, what I noticed is if I am in a group of unfamiliar people... copy them! Yes. Copy them. See how they stand... do what they do. Cross their arms, fiddle with hair, cross their legs... you might feel funny aping them, but this is a way to make yourself visually grouped with them, and they will not freeze you out on the sidelines. It's psychological, and I use this tool all the time to put clients at ease. I think it takes about three solid and positive meetings with a group of people to become comfortably "friendly". It won't happen by osmosis or spontaneously, it must be actively tended to those first three times. Anything that appears to be something friendly too much quicker than that tend to fizzle out after awhile because there was less cultivation time. After that, it's no longer so much of a pursuit, it's more of a friendship *seedling*. It's up to you after this point how close you want to maintain the ties.

 
You described me EXACTLY! Forever in middle school throughout high school, I was ALWAYS the only one left behind. I had only like 5 friends in school and they never had classes with me, so I was always alone, I dreaded the days that they were gone and we had a class together.

Now I guess it doesn't really matter, but people never tried to talk to me or even get to know me. If they had they'd realize how funny and nice I am. It's like I was completely invisible at times. They knew my name, but wouldn't bother ever even saying "Hi".

So you're not alone Mindy, and I know if I was in college, I'd still be the same way, shy and ignored.
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EDIT: Oh yeah, and actually my school district was FULL of rich stuck up kids, so now, I'm glad I was never friends with them, because most of them had very little values, like backstabbing their BEST friends ALL the time, and I could never do that to anyone. I just don't get it.

 
As an adult I have had a problem fitting in......but I never had a problem when I was growing up.

It all started when I got pregnant......that was 20yrs ago and it was looked on differently than it is today..........my friends all abandoned me........then as Justine got older like in school and stuff I was a total misfit b/c all the other Moms were 30-40yrs old and I was 24ish but looked about 16.....they all snubbed me and still do b/c all those Moms are now 50-60yrs old and I'm almost 40 but I look about 25..........so they still all look down on me.

Now in general with my life I too have acquaintances but really no friends........I feel like a looser and when I meet new people I'm not the best with small talk or if I do happen to spark up a conversation with someone.....it never blossoms into a friendship
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I think we need to start a group on how to make friends, where to go to meet them..............

 
mindy, some of us just come off strange to people or intimidate them, i guess. it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. even at my age now i still get crap from people and i never know why, so i stopped even trying to figure it out! i finally realized that all i can do is be myself and let other people be who they are. remember, people can only do to you what you let them! i make sure i speak my mind always, though, because i'm not ever going to become the joke or let someone treat me badly. i wouldn't worry so much about fitting in, sweetie. being yourself is much more important! then you know that the friends you do make are true. that's doesn't mean you won't ever argue or disagree, it just means you'll got over it faster! lol~

 
Im going thro the same thing

Originally Posted by dentaldee /img/forum/go_quote.gif they all snubbed me and still do b/c all those Moms are now 50-60yrs old and I'm almost 40 but I look about 25..........so they still all look down on me..
 
I am really surprised at how many people feel they dont fit in, maybe Cindy its because you are quite shy, you should try to be a little more assertive and start some general chit chat with people you find friendly. I actually tend to be the opposite, i make friends really easily but tend to put them deliberately at arms length, i dont know why i do this, because sometimes i feel like i am missing out, i have made quite a few friends at my Daughters new School and some of the them were going on a days shopping trip, they asked me to go and i said no thanks that i was busy, since then one lady in particular has told me to let her know when i am free so we can go shopping together as she doesent want to keep hassling me. I dont like leaving the dogs alone for too long, but really when i think about it i am just making excuses, dont know why, i do enjoy my own company, but i am always busy, never seem to get a minute to myself, then when i do get the chance to have a day out, i dont really want to.

 

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