How controlling is too controlling?

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hi ladies. well, i've been in a relationship for the past year.. and there's been a ton of good times but, at the same time it's also been a struggle. for the most part, he's a wonderful guy. incredibly thoughtful & romantic. very sensitive & loving.. but, he's also VERY jealous and controlling. when we go out in public, i'm constantly being accused of *looking* at other guys.. when 1) i'm not.. and 2) it really bothers me that this is even an issue for him. i couldn't have a myspace page for a great deal of my relationship. now, i have one.. after convincing him that i need to get in touch with old friends, but he has the password to it, he reads my messages before i do, he controls every aspect of my page.. and gets mad and yells at me when guys write or try to add me. i definately can't go out on the weekends with friends, and definately can't go to any clubs/parties. if i don't keep in touch with him every hour he gets mad and causes an argument. it really does get overbearing at times. in his defense, he dosen't have a myspace.. go to clubs or parties or anything that he asks me not to do.. and that's his personal choice. other than his jealousy & control issues he's incredibly loving.. but, sometimes i wonder if his issues are a sign of something to come.. or if they can be worked on. my family and friends don't like him at all. i love him so much but, sometimes i feel like his insecurities are just too much to deal with. what do you girls think?? i feel like i have changed, in a sense.. and my friends are kind of seperating themselves from me. i don't want to leave him.. but, what else could i possibly do in this situation to make it better?? any advice would be appreciated.

 
I'm sorry about that; that has never happened to me. Have to tried talking to him? You seem as though you are definitely meeting him half way, but I agree that he is being too controlling. I would talk to him and let him know how you're feeling and if that doesn't help, probably go on a break for a while. I don't think it's fair that you suffer because of his insecurities.

 
Im sorry that you're in this situation but this guy is wayyyy to controlling imho. There is nothing wrong with being jealous but this goes beyond any jealousy or insecurities he has. I am not telling you to leave him because thats up to you. However, I would never ever put up with a controlling man. This man that you love does not trust you enough to have a myspace page and finally he "lets you" but he has to have the password??? You are constanly accused of looking at other guys???? If I were you I would take a step back and take a hard long look at your relationship and decide if you can live like this for the rest of your life??? I also think its a shame that you're losing your friends over your situation with your boyfriend. I hope you find the answers you're looking for because if it were me i'd kick his @$$ to the curb!!! You deserve better!!!

 
Yeah this sounds way too controlling. I thought you were going to say he didnt like other guys looking at you. When it comes to controlling what you do i think thats too much. I feel like if you are questioning it and your parents and family dont really like him then something must be up.

 
Oh dear. He sounds very controlling. I don't think that will change. It sounds like you have changed to adapt to his controlling ways, but I don't think you want it to stay like this.

I think everyone has given you good advice. I wish you the best!

 
sweety im sorry to hear that but on the real i cant really help cuz im kinda in the same boat as you are
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my bf has my myspace password,reads my stuff and doesnt want me adding guys or even talking to em period.its like WWIII when i wanna go to parties with my girls cuz just like you said he figures since he doesnt do these things,you shouldnt either and thats the part that makes you feel guilty right?my advice to you is to stop living your life for him and start living it for you.if you want to go out tell him that you are,you dont need permission,ur in a relationship NOT a dictatorship.But you also have to talk to him.And if that doesnt work,you have to decide how you wanna live the rest of your life.Imagine you've only been with him for a year now,imagine going 5 or 10yrs like dat...

 
That's how all my guys turned out. Was he like that in the beginning? I would date guys that seemed to be cool and laid back, but as time went on they would become very possessive and controlling. In my experience, it only gets worse. I got out of it. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who's so insecure.

 
I am sorry *HUGS* you are going thru this. I have been in a controlling marriage, but it wasnt like your situation. He was controlling in different ways. Nevertheless, it got to a point where I couldnt handle it anymore and I opted out. These are classic signs of an abuser. The word seems HARSH, but remember, abuse can be verbal and emotional as well.. it doenst have to be only physical. Counselling might help, provided he is open minded enough to listen to what a counsellor is saying and his/her suggestions. I dont know if he can/will change. What you need to think is, what if he doesnt.. or if he does and revert to his old ways. Are you willing to live with that forever ? Is it worth it ? Do you want to keep living trying to please/appease him ? What about YOUR life ? What about what YOU like to do ? On the top of your head, you might think, maybe you can and will handle t. But remember, the emotional and mental toll it takes to handle these kind of people is HUGE. You have a right to be happy. From his "jealous" behavior, it looks like he doesnt trust you enough, added to his own insecurities. Are you willing to live with that ? You might think you will NEVER find anyone like him if you leave. And it is very natural to feel that way. But, life goes on.. it never stops and you WILL find someone else who respects you, gives you your "space", understands your needs and treats you better. Think carefully. Think hard. Bad relationships can do a LOT of emotional damage. I have been there and even though it has been 5 yrs since my divorce, I am still on anti depressants. I am married to a sweetheart now and peoplemight think I dont have a reason to be "depressed". They dont realize that its in no way related to my marriage now. Its just damage done from before and I am still "recovering". It changed me so much, I dont even know the person I have become.. its not me.. not who I used to be. Believe me sweetheart, in the end, its just not worth it, if it "damages" you emotionally or psychologcally in any way. The road to recovery can be difficult. So, just be careful.. please. Hugs again for you.

 
Wow, I didn't read Nicole's answer while I was composing mine. She said it all.

I'm afraid you know the answer (which is what everyone has said).

Originally Posted by mac-whore /img/forum/go_quote.gif hi ladies. well, i've been in a relationship for the past year.. and there's been a ton of good times but, at the same time it's also been a struggle. A key point. for the most part, he's a wonderful guy. incredibly thoughtful & romantic. very sensitive & loving.. but, he's also VERY jealous and controlling. Another key point. when we go out in public, i'm constantly being accused of *looking* at other guys.. when 1) i'm not.. and 2) it really bothers me that this is even an issue for him. Another key point. i couldn't have a myspace page for a great deal of my relationship. now, i have one.. after convincing him that i need to get in touch with old friends, but he has the password to it, he reads my messages before i do, he controls every aspect of my page.. and gets mad and yells at me when guys write or try to add me. Another. i definately can't go out on the weekends with friends, and definately can't go to any clubs/parties. One more.if i don't keep in touch with him every hour he gets mad and causes an argument.This is major! it really does get overbearing at times. in his defense, he dosen't have a myspace.. go to clubs or parties or anything that he asks me not to do.. and that's his personal choice. other than his jealousy & control issues he's incredibly loving.. but, sometimes i wonder if his issues are a sign of something to come If you are concerned, without knowing you or him, I would suggest going with your instincts... or if they can be worked on.He has to see that this is a problem and wnat ot work on it, it's not something that you can just work on. my family and friends don't like him at all. Hmmm, if everyone has the same opinion.... i love him so much but, sometimes i feel like his insecurities are just too much to deal with. what do you girls think?? i feel like i have changed, in a sense.. and my friends are kind of seperating themselves from me. i don't want to leave him.. but, what else could i possibly do in this situation to make it better?? You have done the changing, not him. Any solution is up to him. Things are exactly the way he wants them and he doesn't recognize that there is a problem. That's the real problem. any advice would be appreciated. As I said, I have to agree with the others. I'm really afraid that there is no changing without him changing.
 
Originally Posted by nics1972 /img/forum/go_quote.gif I am sorry *HUGS* you are going thru this. I have been in a controlling marriage, but it wasnt like your situation. He was controlling in different ways. Nevertheless, it got to a point where I couldnt handle it anymore and I opted out. These are classic signs of an abuser. The word seems HARSH, but remember, abuse can be verbal and emotional as well.. it doenst have to be only physical. Counselling might help, provided he is open minded enough to listen to what a counsellor is saying and his/her suggestions. I dont know if he can/will change. What you need to think is, what if he doesnt.. or if he does and revert to his old ways. Are you willing to live with that forever ? Is it worth it ? Do you want to keep living trying to please/appease him ? What about YOUR life ? What about what YOU like to do ? On the top of your head, you might think, maybe you can and will handle t. But remember, the emotional and mental toll it takes to handle these kind of people is HUGE. You have a right to be happy. From his "jealous" behavior, it looks like he doesnt trust you enough, added to his own insecurities. Are you willing to live with that ? You might think you will NEVER find anyone like him if you leave. And it is very natural to feel that way. But, life goes on.. it never stops and you WILL find someone else who respects you, gives you your "space", understands your needs and treats you better. Think carefully. Think hard. Bad relationships can do a LOT of emotional damage. I have been there and even though it has been 5 yrs since my divorce, I am still on anti depressants. I am married to a sweetheart now and peoplemight think I dont have a reason to be "depressed". They dont realize that its in no way related to my marriage now. Its just damage done from before and I am still "recovering". It changed me so much, I dont even know the person I have become.. its not me.. not who I used to be. Believe me sweetheart, in the end, its just not worth it, if it "damages" you emotionally or psychologcally in any way. The road to recovery can be difficult. So, just be careful.. please. Hugs again for you. I totally agree with what Nic said. I was in a similar situation with both emotional and physical abuse. It does definitely causes damage.
mac-whore I think it is normal for everyone to have a bit of jealousy in them but his is extreme and he is quite controlling. Please be careful. Like Nic said these are the classic signs of an abuser. Please keep us updated. Hugs to you.
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My first husband was extremely controlling and emotionally abusive. I was very in love with him anyway, so I get it, OK?

That being said. I want you to know from experience that the control issues do not get better. They get worse. Every time you let him "allow" you to do something, you are losing a part of yourself and giving him more control over you. While I'm not going to give you the "you need to leave him" answer...........b/c you WILL know if you are capable of doing that..........I will tell you that staying with him only gives him more power.

I stayed for 4 years and it took me a decade to recover. He never physically abused me but if you think that controlling you is not abuse, I want you to know that it is.

The answer to one of your questions is "yes". This is a sign of what is to come and believe me that the longer you stay, the more difficult it will be to leave later. You have to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life because you have the crystal ball in front of you.

Let me also add that this is not your problem, it's his problem and you can't fix him or change him.

You do not deserve to be treated this way and please don't get angry but you are making excuses for him by saying that he is "incredibly loving". No he isn't incredibly loving. Incredibly loving people trust their partner and give them the freedom to be themselves which you are not able to do.

In the end only you can make the choice. Leaving my ex husband was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. I truly loved him and did not want to be without him but I loved myself more and knew that a life with him would leave me lonely and isolated. You don't have to live that way either.

I hope that you will seriously consider the advice you have been given. You are young and beautiful and there are good men in the world who will treat you as you.....and every other woman.....deserve to be treated.

Last but not least {{{hugs}}} to you because I really do understand how hard this is.

 
I think hes not going to change.You deserve way better not somebody who controls every move.You are missing out in life because of his jealousy.He sounds like he owns you and you don't want that imagine if you do end up getting marry.Let him know how you feel and tell him that thing have to be diffrent.The past is just the preperation for whats coming in the Future.

 
Maria... first of all :hugs: I didn't know you were going through this. Honestly, it's good that you are recognizing the behavior before you get in any deeper. Perhaps your BF has trust issues and has been effed up with previous relationships but that has nothing to do with you and him. Have you tried telling him that you are your own woman? Does he realize that he is this way?

I know that you care deeply for him but if he is this way now, I am afraid for you of how he will be as your relationship advances. Maybe take a break so he can see that he could lose you if he doesn't change his ways.

 
Aww this make me so sad, because my sister is going through something similar. Her boyfriend is extremely controlling in almost all the ways you mentioned and then some, and recently he's gotten physical with her. Not to say that your boyfriend would do that, but you never know. Living under someone else's rules and being under constant scrutiny isn't living at all and it sucks that these guys can't realize that they're pushing away the very person they're trying to hold onto so tight with their controlling, abusive ways. I think one of the main ways they control is to make you question yourself and what you do so much that you start to feel badly about yourself and wonder "maybe he's right." or they wear you down until you're too tired and hurt to argue back...and then you just do what they want. I'm sure that it gets lonely being in that situation because the guy becomes like your everything after awhile, as friends and family start to give you space...because it hurts them to see you like that. I can't imagine how hard it would be to leave someone you love so much when it seems like they're the most important person in your life...but I can tell you that there are probably a lot of people in your life right now who miss you very much and would love to be there to support you in the event that you do decide to leave him. I wish you the best of luck!

 
wow, thanks girls for all of the wonderful advice!! seriously! it's so refreshing hearing advice from people that have ' been there, done that '. you girls made a ton of good points. i guess my thing is, i feel like i can change him. he's everything that i want in a man aside from the stuff that i posted here.. and i guess i feel like it's worth a shot to hang in there and see if he can change for he better. he acknowledges that he needs to change so i know that's always the first step. also, we're both young.. he's 21 and i'm 20.. so, i'm hoping that this stuff is a maturity issue. alot of his jealous rants are really trivial to me and it seems like stuff that has alot to do with maturity.

it actually worries me because, i know that there's a great possibility that it won't work out. this is my 1st *serious* relationship and i feel like because of him, i don't have a good perception of what a healthy relationship is anymore.

 
Originally Posted by mac-whore /img/forum/go_quote.gif wow, thanks girls for all of the wonderful advice!! seriously! it's so refreshing hearing advice from people that have ' been there, done that '. you girls made a ton of good points. i guess my thing is, i feel like i can change him. he's everything that i want in a man aside from the stuff that i posted here.. and i guess i feel like it's worth a shot to hang in there and see if he can change for he better. he acknowledges that he needs to change so i know that's always the first step. also, we're both young.. he's 21 and i'm 20.. so, i'm hoping that this stuff is a maturity issue. alot of his jealous rants are really trivial to me and it seems like stuff that has alot to do with maturity. it actually worries me because, i know that there's a great possibility that it won't work out. this is my 1st *serious* relationship and i feel like because of him, i don't have a good perception of what a healthy relationship is anymore.

One thing that I forgot to mention is that he needs to change for him not for you. He needs to be the one that realizes that he has issues and changes them to improve himself.
 
I totally see where you are coming from with the maturity thing, it could be a result of maturity and I know how you feel about wanting to give it a shot since in all other ways he's what you're looking for, but at the same time, I really do agree with the girls that he's way too controlling.

he should really trust you enough to know that you wont cheat on him with guys on myspace, and even if his insecurity is the result of a past girlfriend or whatever, (which, I have had in a past relationship and so you feel like you should cut them some slack) it is NOT ok to take out his insecurities and the emotions stemming from that issue out on you, as you're innocent in all of this.

Please let us know what happens and best of luck, it's a really tough situation to be in
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Seeing it from his POV, you're super hot, and obviously he's insecure cause you can have anyone. So it sounds a little scary to me cause what if something little happens, and he freaks? Like he thinks you were actually flirting with some guy when you weren't... do you know what he would do?

Maybe let him know, that you don't want to be with anyone else cause you chose HIM, tell him that you wouldn't waste a whole year of your life if you were just gonna end up cheating on him.

Whatever may happen, I hope it turns out good for you, like Macface said, you deserve the best,
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Originally Posted by La_Mari /img/forum/go_quote.gif Seeing it from his POV, you're super hot, and obviously he's insecure cause you can have anyone. So it sounds a little scary to me cause what if something little happens, and he freaks? Like he thinks you were actually flirting with some guy when you weren't... do you know what he would do?
Maybe let him know, that you don't want to be with anyone else cause you chose HIM, tell him that you wouldn't waste a whole year of your life if you were just gonna end up cheating on him.

Whatever may happen, I hope it turns out good for you, like Macface said, you deserve the best,
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sadly enough...i know exactly where u going through..everything to a T..he is all i ever wanted and den der is the controlling part..wit the passwords emails and everything and god forbid he finds something he doesnt like in those emails or messsages.. he fights with me instead of trusting me ....example is my myspace had been hacked into by one of his little brother's friends and instead of trusting my word that "no baby i dont have any other emails but the ones you know" he started bashing me about it (while i am driving to work non the less!) i started getting clamy and hot because i was wrongfully accused of something i did not do...and to the quote above me ...the flirting when u are not ...happend to me ...and what i get was physical things....because i was defending myself

 

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