I'm in desperate need of advice! Long Post!!

Me and my husband of almost 14 years have just seperated. There has been several issues that we've had. He used to buy me things all the time because I stay at home with our two disabled children. Well here lately he has/had got to where he bought me nothing unless we fought over it. He said I spend money because I work, you don't work so you don't get anything you sit around the house all day doing nothing. In my eyes I deserve something for what I do. I take care of two totally dependent children, who are unable to speak and not potty trained, just to start. I clean to house, take care of them, always make sure his clothes are washed, and lunch fixed. He used to never go anywhere he stayed at home when he wasn't working. Then he starts hanging out with his brother and the guys from work and he was going somewhere every week. When he works from 4pm to 7am 4 days a week and sleeps during the day that doesn't leave time to help out with the kids. It seems like since he started hanging out with them he's changed a lot.

The other thing that did it in for us is...He took a vacation day friday to go to a comedy concert thing with Rodney Carrington. Well it was snowing so Hard here and the concert is a hour and a half away. Of course he was driving and his brother and a guy from work went with him. Well he left at 5:00 and for some reason didn't get there til 7:30...the roads weren't bad at that time..the concert was at 7:00 so he was 30 min. late. He told me the roads were clear there, but by that time there was 4 in. of snow here and the roads were bad. Well there was two shows so I knew that it would be over by 9:45. I send him a pic on his cell at all the snow here. Well he text me back at 10:35 to ask if i'm in bed...Well his brothers wife calls and wants to know where they are so i text him back to ask and their at a Casino Boat. She got mad and I got mad. He said well the roads are clear here, and I tell him well their not here you seen that in the pic I sent you. He said well I thought you were telling me it was dark outside. He was the designated driver, so he still had to take them home before he could even come home. Well they finally leave the boat at 11:00, I find out that the show was over at 9:00. He finally gets home at 2:30am. He didn't understand why I got some mad!! Well after a long fight I told him to get out.

Then he goes to stay with his mom, and when she ask why he left he tells her I kicked him out because he came in at 2:30 and that I spend too much money. He bought a PS3 for $500.00 and a Wii for $250.00 in one month but he went and told them that I spend so much money he can't pay bills. It was so bad that when I would buy a $4.00 mascara I would have to hide it from him to keep from being yelled at. He even got mad at me because I will only use Always pads **sorry for so much info** So It looks like he went over there and blamed it all on me. Am I wrong?? Should I have done something differently? would you all have got mad too?? I really need help and advice!!

This is horrible. You are not wrong! He is being an a**. Unforunately there is no quick fix. You are both under a lot of stress-you especially. The first thing you need to do is decide what you want to do with this relationship. Even if he comes back today there is a problem that needs to be addressed. I guess that you may be getting some community help with the boys and I hope you are in contact with a local or the national autism associations. If he comes back you need to get counselling. It may be hard with his work hours, but he needs it and so do you. This may help. If it appears that he isn't coming back or you decide that it just isn't working, see an attorney. Money for an attorney is problably going to be an issue, again see what help you can get from the autism associations. They won't give you money, but there may be an attorney on the board or someone they could suggest. Good luck!

No Actually I have no community support. I also have no family support because nobody wants to be around the kids. I don't plan to let him come back. I do have to get a job now that I can work while my kids are in school. I don't know what changed him so much...I don't know if it's his friends or what. I talked to him about counseling before and he said he didn't need it. He also said he would never tell me he was wrong for anything he has said or done to me. When I ask him if he could just admit he does me wrong he says no never then when he gets mad he will say Yes I am always wrong and your always right...GOD!!! I just get so tired of it...I do everything for him and my kids and he doesn't appreciate it. He said that he won't miss me and that he knows I want him to sit there and cry over me and that he never will. I have to say My hope is that he will realize how much I mean to him and he'll ask if we can work it out. I don't think he ever will so I'm trying to prepare myself for that too.

I think it's really important to find an agency to help with you children. You might want to talk with your family doctor or any children's agencies in your community. Even if there is not an Autism agency, there might be something comparable.

I also recommend that you seek councelling. This is going to become an even more stressful time for you and your kids. I went through a divorce about 12 years ago. We were quite amicable but there were times I wanted to **** him!

In terms of seeking an attorney, you might want to contact the court house or women's shelters and find out how you can qualify for legal aid or even pro bono.

Do not blame yourself for your husband's behaviour. He sounds like a big baby to me. And it he wants others to think everything is your fault, who cares. They all know his character a lot better than he gives them credit.

Sorry you are going through this difficult time - big hugs honey

oh honey I am so sorry. Do you think he has a gambling problem? Maybe thats why your $4 mascara thing is so madening to him taking $4 away from his gambling. What has hanppened he gets aorund a bunch of guys who dont have responsibility and it sounds good to him. Dont worry what he says to his family they will figure him out pretty quickly. Do you belong to a church? maybe they can help. Good luck~~

Thanks for all the replies. This was his first time ever going to a Casino, so that's not the problem I just don't understand what it is. I took the kids over to his moms to see him and I sat there for a while, but he never talked to me. Then when his mom left he said you need to go. She isn't like that, I was going to leave as soon as I dropped them off, but she asked me to stay. She went to a neighbors I guess hoping we would talk it over. Then when I left like he told me to he called me two times wanting to know where I was and was saying he was calling because I needed to bring our youngest a extra outfit. I think he was just worried about what I might be out doing. I noticed he already took his wedding band off too. When I asked him about it he said you took yours off...but I rarely wear any rings so that's why. It had nothing to do with that. He said well you said there was no chance of me ever coming back, and I told him no there isn't because your never going to change, and I explained to him I still love him and I don't know what made him change. We then ended the conversation with me going to pick up the kids at 8:00. It's like I would love to work it out in counseling, but he will never agree to it. This whole time I've been thinking that maybe he will call and say can we talk or something. I guess I need to let go of that hope!! I told him I would bring him some soup and stuff over and he said no he would come get it tomorrow when he comes to see the dogs. Thanks for all the help and support this is going to be a hard time.

God!! I don't understand his mentality!! Stay at home moms should be put on a pedastal and worshiped!! And with 2 handicapped children.. You pretty much sacrificed any chance of a carrier or a personal life outside on the home... Marriage is all about teamwork.. Doesn't matter who makes the money.. Its the teams money.. Imho..

My wife stayed home to take care of out two kids too and as far as I'm concerned she works harder than I ever will and deserves to spend what ever she wants on herself..

Sounds like he need an attitude adjustment!! Big time!!

I am so sorry for your situation and I do not think you are at all unreasonable for being upset with your husband under those circumstances. I agree with the advise above, I think you should seek help, its too much to take care of disabled kids and the stress of a seperation alone.

My thoughts and best wishes are with you at this time.

Well I went back and picked the kids up. When I went to leave he asked if he was going with me, I stayed strong and said no. I told him it was over for good. He just called me and said you know your going to ask me back and I told him No I'm not. He said after a few days you'll beg me back. I told him no because he never admits he does me wrong and he said no I'm not going to admit being wrong when I'm not. We argued a little and I hung up. I told him that he should know it's over because this is the longest we've ever been apart. I am staying strong for my kids, but deep down I'd love to just break down crying. I think another reason I haven't is because of the anger!! I don't see us ever working it out together. He's going to come by and see the kids for a little bit tomorrow but he will be leaving and if he gets a attitude he will leave as quickly as he gets here.

He is so wrong!! Stay strong!!!

I'm sorry you are going through this And I appreciate Karren's words of wisdom about SAHMs. They are totally underappreciated and many times looked down upon. And I KNOW SAHMs of disabled children are FAR more underappreciated than just us "regular" SAHMs.

I have no good advice for you. But, I must say that it seems he changed drastically when he started "hanging with the guys". And, to that end, it seems quite unfair to me that he gets a break to hang out with friends and you are stuck at home! I have a rule in my marriage that was well understood before I got married "FAIRNESS". If I don't get time to myself, he doesn't either! After all, we're BOTH responsible for the family-- not just me because "I'm the woman".

Something I am wondering about-- how old is he? The reason I ask, is there any way that he may be going through a mid-life crisis? I'm not saying that excuses his behavior because it does not. It's called take a big pill of "get over it". But that might explain some of his sudden insanity.

We are here for you and I hope that things get better for you. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Warmly,

Brandi

He sounds like a jackass your not wrong he has a problem.Men always change when they are around other men.

I completely agree with Brandi and Karren in regards to stay at home mums. You havent done anything wrong in my eyes.

Good on you for being strong, he's being a jerk and he's too self centered to even see it or what he's lost. Maybe when he doesn't have anyone to make lunch or dinner for him, no one to wash his clothes, then he'll realise what he's lost.

Best of luck at this difficult time chicken. I'm so sorry you're going through this

i'm sorry you're having to deal with this. your husband is the one in the wrong, not you! don't blame yourself at all. you're an excellent mommy & wife...if it doesn't work out, i hope you apply for local help..child support, etc. please don't take him back just because he wants to come back. he needs to grow up, & be a man n take care of his family. i know it hurts, because you love him, as he is the father of your children & he should care more than he does. maybe he is just going through a phase? men do that from time to time. anyway, good luck! keep us updated!

i wish you & your family the best!

Thanks to everyone. You all have been so Helpful!! Last night when I went to bed for the 2nd night without him it really got to me, but I remembered stay strong and that's never going to change unless he has to think about it a long time. Hopefully this will scare him into changing, but I doubt it. I think his thinking is that he has done no wrong. Brandi: he is 33 going to be 34 this year...when do they go through mid life crisis? I've been with this man since I was 13 years old, I had my first child when I was 16 married when I was 15. I know I started really early...I grew up really fast. He's been my first everything and this is the first time I've been without him since I was 13. I just keep remembering his words that he has never done anything wrong and that just makes me so angry that it hides the hurt. I don't believe that anyone can be Perfect. I've admitted my faults several times in the marriage.

Today I have to take my oldest child to physical therapy today, and I'm not sure what to tell them when they ask where he's at. We go to therapy once a week, the last few weeks he seemed to be putting me down in front of the therapist. One day I was standing there while he was talking to the therapist, and he said something about why are you so quiet now you sure don't mind running your mouth when we're at home. Then yesterday when I went to his moms to drop off the kids we were talking about infected teeth, because I just had a wisdom tooth took out. She said she was glad they put me on a antibiotic because the infection can spread to your brain, and he set there and said I think it already has...His mom gave him a very hateful look. I don't understand why he's like this, and it has really just started since Jan. I can't figure out what has happened or what went wrong. I know when he comes to see the kids today he will be leaving. We had agreed that he could get the kids 3 days a week then yesterday he wanted me to pick them back up. Then he said that he would come here and see them until they get used to it but they are used to his moms they've stayed there a few nights before and her house is the only place we've ever been able to take them. I am so afraid that even though he used to be such a great dad that he's going to slowly forget about them. Everyone used to brag what a excellent dad he was, but over the last couple years he's not been as good. I hope that he finally opens his eyes and realizes what he lost...I hope that happens before it's too late. Thanks to everyone for all the words of encouragment. With no friends and no family you all are the only ones I have to talk to. Thank you all for being here for me!!!

Originally Posted by girly_girl /img/forum/go_quote.gif I'm not sure what to tell them when they ask where he's at. Tell them the truth! ...We had agreed that he could get the kids 3 days a week then yesterday he wanted me to pick them back up.He may be playing power games, don't let him. ... I hope that he finally opens his eyes and realizes what he lost...I hope that happens before it's too late. Thanks to everyone for all the words of encouragment. It's OK to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst!! With no friends and no family you all are the only ones I have to talk to. Thank you all for being here for me!!! We are here for you, but as others have said, seek local help! Talk to the nurses at your doctor's...they may be able to make better suggestions than we can.

Originally Posted by girly_girl /img/forum/go_quote.gif Brandi: he is 33 going to be 34 this year...when do they go through mid life crisis? I've been with this man since I was 13 years old, I had my first child when I was 16 married when I was 15. I know I started really early...I grew up really fast. He's been my first everything and this is the first time I've been without him since I was 13. I just keep remembering his words that he has never done anything wrong and that just makes me so angry that it hides the hurt. I don't believe that anyone can be Perfect. I've admitted my faults several times in the marriage. Well, mid-life crisis can happen at any time, depending on the person but, generally they don't happen until 40-45 BUT you two have been together for quite some time so, it wouldn't surprise me that he may be going through an early phase of it. Maybe he's having regrets on "what else he could have done with his life". Is he fulfilled professionally or is there something that he has always wanted to do but hasn't the opportunity? It sounds like he's angry or resentful about something but doesn't want to/feels he can't/doesn't want to be vulnerable and come out and say it.
Maybe you have already done this but, come right out and state "I know something is bothering your or you are angry about something. What is it?" If he denies it, tell him that you've known him long enough to know that he's not acting like himself and when he's ready to tell you, you can talk it out. Don't give him the option of saying "no" by ASKING if something is wrong. Act as if you *know* there is something wrong. It will probably catch him off-guard and it's a non-argumentative way to get him to open up.

Ok, that's just a suggestion from me.

Warmly,

Brandi

i dont think you are in the wrong at all, i dont understand why he is so selfish but you hang in there and be strong, dont give in untill he admits his faults and if he dont then you are probley better off.. i wish you and your kids the best.

The ladies here have given you some great advice!

I am sorry for what is going on and I really hope things get better for you and for your children.

Stay strong Honey *gives a very big hug*

Thanks! Brandi: yeah he actually just made supervisor at his job. I think he may be seeing how his friends are out running around and he's been married with 2 "special" kids. I don't know if he wants to see what it's like to live the single life or what's going on. I did have to meet him at the bank this morning and he said you'll ask me back in about a week. I told him No, I'm not. He insisted that I would and I told him look have we ever been apart this long, and he said no,but there is a first time for everything. I told him to keep telling his self that and maybe it would get him through the lonely times. I shouldn't have to ask him back, the way I see it is when he is ready to admit he's done wrong and wants work on it then I will listen. Without some counseling I see no way to work it out. If he truly loves me enough he will be willing to go with me, if not then I plan to go see a therapist to help me deal with it. He can either be a part of my life or not, but I know I have to keep on keeping on for myself and my kids.

When I left the bank today he asked me where I was going and I told him out, so he followed me all the way to walmart just to see where I was going. I guess he realizes that i'm a good person and there might be someone else out there that would have me. I don't want anyone else, even if we don't get back together i'm going to take some time to clear my head and put me and my kids first. I don't need a man to live...I've never been alone in my whole life so it might just do me some good. I will always put my kids number one, but for once in my life I can be number 2!!!! I am actually enjoying my freedom lately. I'm not saying it isn't hard at times like at night when i'm in bed alone, but this might just be what I need right now. maybe he'll see that hanging out with the guys isn't that much fun when you have to come home to nobody!!