"Rant" about being self conscious

Ugh, I feel crappy today. Not sure if it´s because I got off my antidepressants lately (I took them for 1 year and it did wonders for my moods and sometimes even my confidence) or if it´s just a regular bad day. And I´ve been feeling so good about myself lately since I started a really healthy diet and an exercise regimen to tone up a bit.

So just an hour ago looked through some old FOTDs on here (like 3y old) and noticed how much shinier and healthier my hair was, my lashes werel longer and my skin didn´t have any hyperpigmented areas from past acne (like it does now..and I do everything to fade them which slowly works).

Pathetic, right? I told my fiancé about this and he was like "Andrea you look exactly the same now" which I didn´t believe.

He then said I have such low self esteem when it comes to my look sometimes. I agreed, and said that I also have good confidence sometimes, so it´s not all bad all the time. Then i said that I just wanna be the "perfect me", so I wanna be me minus the small flaws I have...he said that´s a very unhealthy attitude.

So the bottom line is: I´m even more self conscious than I like to admit (that is if my fiancé is right) and he thinks I might have to get back on the antidepressants...which we´ll see, I´ll give it some time and try to work things out myself.

Oh, and the best thing is: My fiancé has recently done 2 modelling jobs and he´s going out with a bunch of other models tonight (male and female)!!! UGH!

To be honest hearing that brought tears to my eyes since I feel unattractive today. I haven´t gotten all dolled up since my trip to see my fiancé, and it sucks not getting the compliments from him like I did when I was over there with him.

It doesn´t even help that I also model sometimes since-I always seem to concentrate on the flaws that I have, and I look at supermodels and think "ok most people think I´m pretty, but it would be so nice to be as flawless as Gisele, Adriana etc"

Ok on a scale from 1-10, how screwed up am I?

Well I'm sure this is the typicall answer you're gonna get, but just know that you're frickin gorgeous!!! I get so jealous when I look at the pictures you post on here, no lie!! I especially wish I could have your skin!!

I've been having those days a lot here lately too, I'm not sure why. I totally know what you mean. Used to I loved trying on clothes and doing my hair and makeup. But nowadays I think everything I try on looks like crap, and when I'm done getting ready I look like crap....and when I look at pictures from when we go out...I look like crap. I really don't know how to get past it...it usally ends up just being a phase, so I don't really know how to help!! Hang in there sweetie, I'm sure it will pass. And just know that pretty much every person you walk by on the street is probably like *wow* And I'm sure a lot of the guys and gals here are gonna agree!!

Originally Posted by kaylin_marie /img/forum/go_quote.gif Well I'm sure this is the typicall answer you're gonna get, but just know that you're frickin gorgeous!!! I get so jealous when I look at the pictures you post on here, no lie!! I especially wish I could have your skin!!
I've been having those days a lot here lately too, I'm not sure why. I totally know what you mean. Used to I loved trying on clothes and doing my hair and makeup. But nowadays I think everything I try on looks like crap, and when I'm done getting ready I look like crap....and when I look at pictures from when we go out...I look like crap. I really don't know how to get past it...it usally ends up just being a phase, so I don't really know how to help!! Hang in there sweetie, I'm sure it will pass. And just know that pretty much every person you walk by on the street is probably like *wow* And I'm sure a lot of the guys and gals here are gonna agree!!

see that´s what I mean by saying I would love to see myself through other people´s eyes sometimes. I look at other people and I can always see at least one beautiful thing about them that makes me secretly jealous. It can be anything really. And do I do this with myself? NO. I pick out little flaws and tend to obsess over them.
Maybe it also doesn´t help that I haven´t gone out in the past month. After all how are you supposed to feel sexy if you´re just sitting around the house (or standing in the operating room at the hospital wearing scrubs and stuff) in sweats, with no makeup and greasy, messy hair.

I did this face when I read that :

You are seriously one of the prettiest girls I've seen in a long while and still do and every time you talk about your "flaws"... I'm thinking, "I wish I had those flaws at least". If anything you just might be having a bad day and if I had heard my guy was going out with a bunch of models - I would feel upset too. I think most people will, ya know?

I've seen photos of you on here without makeup and you're really gorgeous, not bullshitting.

So we're in the same boat at this moment - not feeling pretty. Dude, we need lives. Haha. How vain are we... Bah haha.

I would write more but I gotta run... expect part 2 in awhile.

Love you Anders, feel better! <3

Originally Posted by Andi /img/forum/go_quote.gif Maybe it also doesn´t help that I haven´t gone out in the past month. After all how are you supposed to feel sexy if you´re just sitting around the house (or standing in the operating room at the hospital wearing scrubs and stuff) in sweats, with no makeup and greasy, messy hair. I think that could very well be what's wrong with both of us. Due to circumstances similar to yours I have done nothing but sit around the house most of the time, for like the past several weeks. I think I can deffinately see a difference in my confidence level if I think back to when I went out a lot.
Wanna know what I see when I look at your pictures? Gorgeous skin, beautiful eyes, (fantastic eyebrows) and just an all around pretty much perfect face....I don't think I could pick out a flaw if you asked me too.

I agree with the other girls. Whenever I see your pictures I'm blown away by how gorgeous you are. I come back and look at them often just because you're a joy to look at.

I would also feel glum and insecure if my boyfriend was going out with a whole bunch of models, especially if I was having an 'ugly' day..

I think it would be silly to just say 'oh for goodness sake LOOK at yourself, don't be foolish, you're gorgeous!' and leave it at that - because it's extremely difficult to see yourself as others see you...

maybe you could do some research online and find some confidence boosting exercises to do, or enroll in a course that teaches to techniques to increase confidence.

The way we percieve ourselves can affect our chances of success and also alter our relationships with the people around us, so it's really important to not only be the best Andi you can be physically, but also emotionally and psychologically. I think it's great you're working on the physical (even though you don't need to at all, you gorgeous thing you!) just so long as you don't neglect your emotional wellbeing!

best of luck chicken!

Aww Andi I would honestly be upset about the model thing too... But I bet you if those girls saw you, they would be so jealous of your looks. You're so thin and really really pretty, I love your skin. Even if it used to be better (it looks really good to me) it's still way better than a lot of models for example, even better than some of us on MUT.

As Kaylin said, I couldn't pick a flaw either, maybe too smart? Jk. And about your hair, I think it's GORGEOUS, I don't think a lot of us would look at hair for the shinyness anyways.

I hope you feel better

Originally Posted by kaylin_marie /img/forum/go_quote.gif I think that could very well be what's wrong with both of us. Due to circumstances similar to yours I have done nothing but sit around the house most of the time, for like the past several weeks. I think I can deffinately see a difference in my confidence level if I think back to when I went out a lot.
Wanna know what I see when I look at your pictures? Gorgeous skin, beautiful eyes, (fantastic eyebrows) and just an all around pretty much perfect face....I don't think I could pick out a flaw if you asked me too.

lol so we both need to go out! But since my fiancé lives so far away it´s not that much fun anymore, he´s the best clubbing buddy ever.Thanks for the compliments, sweetie

This might be creepy but I don't care. I have a makeup folder under my pictures on my laptop, I've been saving inspiration pics and pretty MU pics. I saved one of your eyes, I love how you did them.

Originally Posted by pinksugar /img/forum/go_quote.gif I agree with the other girls. Whenever I see your pictures I'm blown away by how gorgeous you are. I come back and look at them often just because you're a joy to look at.
I would also feel glum and insecure if my boyfriend was going out with a whole bunch of models, especially if I was having an 'ugly' day..

I think it would be silly to just say 'oh for goodness sake LOOK at yourself, don't be foolish, you're gorgeous!' and leave it at that - because it's extremely difficult to see yourself as others see you...

maybe you could do some research online and find some confidence boosting exercises to do, or enroll in a course that teaches to techniques to increase confidence.

The way we percieve ourselves can affect our chances of success and also alter our relationships with the people around us, so it's really important to not only be the best Andi you can be physically, but also emotionally and psychologically. I think it's great you're working on the physical (even though you don't need to at all, you gorgeous thing you!) just so long as you don't neglect your emotional wellbeing!

best of luck chicken!

thanks, Rosie. You´re right, compliments don´t help much when you feel unattractive. I know when I feel like I look awesome I am so much more confident.Shawn told me he sees like a 100% boost in my confidence when I get ready to go out when my hair is done, makeup done and I wear something nice...so I guess it´s obvious when I feel confident or when I´m not. It shows to other people. I just don´t feel beautiful without makeup, I really wished I would though...would save me tons of $ lol

I actually still do psychotherapy, but I never talked to my therapist about that aspect of my insecurities..I only talked to her about me being insecure about my abilities and intelligence...and since the beginning of the therapy I have felt much better about that aspect. So maybe it´s time to talk about the appearance insecurities for once

Andi, I would LOVE to look like you!

Originally Posted by La_Mari /img/forum/go_quote.gif This might be creepy but I don't care. I have a makeup folder under my pictures on my laptop, I've been saving inspiration pics and pretty MU pics. I saved one of your eyes, I love how you did them. aw that´s not creepy at all. I think way creepier things about other MuT members sometimes

Originally Posted by CellyCell /img/forum/go_quote.gif I did this face when I read that :
You are seriously one of the prettiest girls I've seen in a long while and still do and every time you talk about your "flaws"... I'm thinking, "I wish I had those flaws at least". If anything you just might be having a bad day and if I had heard my guy was going out with a bunch of models - I would feel upset too. I think most people will, ya know?

I've seen photos of you on here without makeup and you're really gorgeous, not bullshitting.

So we're in the same boat at this moment - not feeling pretty. Dude, we need lives. Haha. How vain are we... Bah haha.

I would write more but I gotta run... expect part 2 in awhile.

Love you Anders, feel better! <3

oh yeah we need lives. At least if we lived closer we could go party together. Partying usually puts me in a good mood. And alcohol does lol. But I need to save $, and going out is expensive.

Originally Posted by StereoXGirl /img/forum/go_quote.gif Andi, I would LOVE to look like you! I love you. lol

Andi, I think you are very beautiful as well. But I also believe it is how we feel about ourselves that really counts.

I was curious about your anti depressants.

If it's not too personal - If you were doing so well on them, why did you decide to go off them?

I don;t think you are screwed up at all. Everyone ahs insecurities... Off topic I think you are gorgeous!

Nobody is perfect Andi, you just have to learn to love yourself, with or without anti depressants, it's all about learning to do things, maybe not an easy thing for a woman, since women are always complaining about their flaws, no matter how small they are.

Feel blessed that you arent missing any limbs, that you are not riding a wheelchair, that you don't have any of these agressive diseases like leprosy, have you seen how these people look? You are lucky you are complete, and smart, feel lucky and happy that you have everything to be able to feel happy, cause you also are a healthy person.

We all have down times like you are, we all go through times like this, but you will get over it, hopefully not with taking anti depressants though, cause they are definitely not for you.

I hope all of this advice is helping you! You are very beautiful and are just going through a rough spot. This will change but if it continues for a few weeks then maybe the antidepressents are the answer, talk to your doctor. I've been on a maintance dose of prozac for longer than you have been alive and it helps me...YMMV, however.

Originally Posted by Carolyn /img/forum/go_quote.gif Andi, I think you are very beautiful as well. But I also believe it is how we feel about ourselves that really counts.
I was curious about your anti depressants.

If it's not too personal - If you were doing so well on them, why did you decide to go off them?

I got on them in Feb 2006 when I had a depressive episode. I had several little ones throughout the year (I suffered from seasonal depression but never got any treatment) but this one was bad so it was necessary. That and psychotherapy helped me tremendously and I felt better than ever. But after a year I felt like it was time to end them (I waited till beginning of spring to be sure the seasonal depression wouldn´t come back, but I was a bit nervous about stopping to take them).And now that I´m off I realize how much it decreased my libido lol, cause it´s all back and I like that hehe.

yeah sorry for that novel. If I get worse again I´ll start taking them again, but I kinda want to be able to be "strong" without them. Unleast untill fall, which is when I´ll take them again-just for the duration of fall/winter for my seasonal depression

Originally Posted by daer0n /img/forum/go_quote.gif Nobody is perfect Andi, you just have to learn to love yourself, with or without anti depressants, it's all about learning to do things, maybe not an easy thing for a woman, since women are always complaining about their flaws, no matter how small they are.
Feel blessed that you arent missing any limbs, that you are not riding a wheelchair, that you don't have any of these agressive diseases like leprosy, have you seen how these people look? You are lucky you are complete, and smart, feel lucky and happy that you have everything to be able to feel happy, cause you also are a healthy person.

We all have down times like you are, we all go through times like this, but you will get over it, hopefully not with taking anti depressants though, cause they are definitely not for you.

Yup I know I should be thankful. I am very thankful for my health, that´s why I am getting more and more health-conscious every day. But I was always critisized by my dad since I can remember, and I guess that kinda stuck with me cause now I do it to myself. It´s a really hard thing to shake off since all I ever got was "but you´re not xyz enough" etc. Maybe that´s why I´m also so into perfecting my appearance, to get attention from men? Since I never got it from my dad?
lol...Little Miss Freud in the making here, I like to analyze myself

ITA with daron.

Originally Posted by Andi /img/forum/go_quote.gif I got on them in Feb 2006 when I had a depressive episode. I had several little ones throughout the year (I suffered from seasonal depression but never got any treatment) but this one was bad so it was necessary. That and psychotherapy helped me tremendously and I felt better than ever. But after a year I felt like it was time to end them (I waited till beginning of spring to be sure the seasonal depression wouldn´t come back, but I was a bit nervous about stopping to take them).And now that I´m off I realize how much it decreased my libido lol, cause it´s all back and I like that hehe.

yeah sorry for that novel. If I get worse again I´ll start taking them again, but I kinda want to be able to be "strong" without them. Unleast untill fall, which is when I´ll take them again-just for the duration of fall/winter for my seasonal depression

Yup I know I should be thankful. I am very thankful for my health, that´s why I am getting more and more health-conscious every day. But I was always critisized by my dad since I can remember, and I guess that kinda stuck with me cause now I do it to myself. It´s a really hard thing to shake off since all I ever got was "but you´re not xyz enough" etc. Maybe that´s why I´m also so into perfecting my appearance, to get attention from men? Since I never got it from my dad?

lol...Little Miss Freud in the making here, I like to analyze myself

LOL at the self analyzing stuff - i do it a lot also.
ITA with everyone... And the criticizing part, it's the hardest to overcome .

I'm your fan and i want to have your hair (i want to shave mine, it looks yucky, and i don't have any patience to spend hours drying it and then putting rollers at the points because they're flat straight ).

Remember one thing: Gisele is 'perfect' because of photoshopping - she smokes, do you know? In no time she'll be filled with wrinkles around the mouth

And Adriana Lima has big front teeth.

Originally Posted by Lia /img/forum/go_quote.gif LOL at the self analyzing stuff - i do it a lot also.
ITA with everyone... And the criticizing part, it's the hardest to overcome .

I'm your fan and i want to have your hair (i want to shave mine, it looks yucky, and i don't have any patience to spend hours drying it and then putting rollers at the points because they're flat straight ).

Remember one thing: Gisele is 'perfect' because of photoshopping - she smokes, do you know? In no time she'll be filled with wrinkles around the mouth

And Adriana Lima has big front teeth.

haha girl you made me laugh so hard! I didn´t know Gisele smokes. I heard an interview with her and she said she eats a lot of fast food. Yeah right!Btw I envy you cause you live in a country that undeniably has the most beautiful women, so think about it..every day you are probably getting more beautiful. It must be in the water or something. Maybe I should take a vacation there lol