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- Jan 29, 2008
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This sounded familiar to me so i thought i would repost it here:
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When you have a dinner table full of people eager to exhibit their prowess in the topic of their choice or demonstrate how crucial their existence is to society; it either becomes a cringe festival or a total boredom meltdown. Every dinner party of a decent size is bound to be made up of at least the following mind numbing people…
The Consumption Master - They enlighten you with their endless supply of techniques for power shopping in bulk at big box stores. Learn how you can buy a skid of 50 toilet paper rolls at $1.27 a roll versus $1.32 a roll for the 6 you buy now at your peasant’s hell hole local supermarket. Absorb like a sponge their “clever buying†pointers, because anyone that amasses as much useless shit as they do, must know a thing or two about wasting countless hours at the mall. The icing on the cake is that stunningly long and drawn out conversation at the end of the night about all of the endless luxury items they are on the cusp of buying, but never actually will.
The Productivity Master - Don’t let the fact that they are a low level junior assistant in the human resources department fool you, this person is the “heart of the company†and without them â€the company would just fall apart.†They will fill you in on every political debacle and piece of gossip to ever occur amongst their cesspool of colleagues; none of which you have ever or will ever meet in your life. Every story will provide in-depth details about how minuscule and meaningless each of their lives are until you are reaching for the butter knife in contempt of your own life. For the grand finale, hear the stories about how their single-handed efforts saved a 5,000 person company from catastrophe because of the different laser printer toner cartridge they ordered from a catalogue that week. When they start using phrases like “my colleagues need to step up to the plate more†and that their co-workers need to just “Get er’ done!†is when you accidentally throw your plate and cutlery at them.
The Financial Master - Unless you have the identical money market fund, investment strategy and retirement portfolio as this person, you will be shunned from the population and labeled as a fool for all of eternity. Although they have no actual financial qualifications, and only met you for the first time 20 minutes ago; they are avid watchers of the Suze Orman show, which has prepared them to reorganize your entire financial portfolio so that it can gleam with their personal touch of financial wizardry. Just refrain from quizzing them on why they choose to live in a one bedroom bungalow and drive a 1984 Pontiac station wagon that has more mileage than a New Delhi taxi… that’s none of your business! Last but not least, around dessert time you will be treated with privilaged â€insider information†stock recommendations with share values that will “hit it out of the park any time soon now!â€
The Family Master - You’re single, they’re married, and you’ll want to hang yourself after listening to hours upon hours on their trials and tribulations of child rearing that puts even their uninvited colic ridden infant to sleep. Learn how they juggle all of life’s hardships while still being self-proclaimed “cool and hip parentsâ€. Later on as the number of drinks consumed increases, and after talking for hours about the latest Disney video releases, you can be treated to the non-hilarity that is their â€I keep my partner in-check [nudge nudge]“ conversation. It’s all about how tight of a leash their spouse is on because they are such a wild person but have those pesky life responsibilities to tend to. Barf barf. Then get every single-person’s favorite quiz, starring questions like “So when do you plan to settle down?†and “Aren’t you ready for children of your own yet?â€. And don’t forget the invaluable tidbits of knowledge you would have otherwise been ignorant of such as “The clock keeps ticking!†and “Family is everything!â€. Bringing a hooker to subsequent dinner parties with the same people usually answers all of their questions without them asking.
The Environment Master - Now that they have replaced a couple of light bulbs in their living room with “high efficiency†bulbs and rode their bicycle to work once last summer, they are now champions in a crusade to save the planet. Listen in amazement as they detail their half baked planet saving achievements, and provide you with environment statistics about carbon emissions they heard off the same public service radio advertisements you too have heard over and over again for the past five months. As an added bonus, you’ll be attempting to rip your own ears off when listening to how they sort their recycling and hear stroke inducing catch phrases like â€It’s time for us all to do the right thing.†and “Mother nature depends on ALL of us for it’s survival.†But don’t dig too deep with questions about other environmental initiatives they have spearheaded - we wouldn’t want to expose the fact that they really haven’t done anything at all that would put them out of their comfort zone. Then wait for that magic moment when they prod you for when you’ll be part of their new wave movement to become “conscious of mother earthâ€.
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know anybody like this or maybe you have your own story.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When you have a dinner table full of people eager to exhibit their prowess in the topic of their choice or demonstrate how crucial their existence is to society; it either becomes a cringe festival or a total boredom meltdown. Every dinner party of a decent size is bound to be made up of at least the following mind numbing people…
The Consumption Master - They enlighten you with their endless supply of techniques for power shopping in bulk at big box stores. Learn how you can buy a skid of 50 toilet paper rolls at $1.27 a roll versus $1.32 a roll for the 6 you buy now at your peasant’s hell hole local supermarket. Absorb like a sponge their “clever buying†pointers, because anyone that amasses as much useless shit as they do, must know a thing or two about wasting countless hours at the mall. The icing on the cake is that stunningly long and drawn out conversation at the end of the night about all of the endless luxury items they are on the cusp of buying, but never actually will.
The Productivity Master - Don’t let the fact that they are a low level junior assistant in the human resources department fool you, this person is the “heart of the company†and without them â€the company would just fall apart.†They will fill you in on every political debacle and piece of gossip to ever occur amongst their cesspool of colleagues; none of which you have ever or will ever meet in your life. Every story will provide in-depth details about how minuscule and meaningless each of their lives are until you are reaching for the butter knife in contempt of your own life. For the grand finale, hear the stories about how their single-handed efforts saved a 5,000 person company from catastrophe because of the different laser printer toner cartridge they ordered from a catalogue that week. When they start using phrases like “my colleagues need to step up to the plate more†and that their co-workers need to just “Get er’ done!†is when you accidentally throw your plate and cutlery at them.
The Financial Master - Unless you have the identical money market fund, investment strategy and retirement portfolio as this person, you will be shunned from the population and labeled as a fool for all of eternity. Although they have no actual financial qualifications, and only met you for the first time 20 minutes ago; they are avid watchers of the Suze Orman show, which has prepared them to reorganize your entire financial portfolio so that it can gleam with their personal touch of financial wizardry. Just refrain from quizzing them on why they choose to live in a one bedroom bungalow and drive a 1984 Pontiac station wagon that has more mileage than a New Delhi taxi… that’s none of your business! Last but not least, around dessert time you will be treated with privilaged â€insider information†stock recommendations with share values that will “hit it out of the park any time soon now!â€
The Family Master - You’re single, they’re married, and you’ll want to hang yourself after listening to hours upon hours on their trials and tribulations of child rearing that puts even their uninvited colic ridden infant to sleep. Learn how they juggle all of life’s hardships while still being self-proclaimed “cool and hip parentsâ€. Later on as the number of drinks consumed increases, and after talking for hours about the latest Disney video releases, you can be treated to the non-hilarity that is their â€I keep my partner in-check [nudge nudge]“ conversation. It’s all about how tight of a leash their spouse is on because they are such a wild person but have those pesky life responsibilities to tend to. Barf barf. Then get every single-person’s favorite quiz, starring questions like “So when do you plan to settle down?†and “Aren’t you ready for children of your own yet?â€. And don’t forget the invaluable tidbits of knowledge you would have otherwise been ignorant of such as “The clock keeps ticking!†and “Family is everything!â€. Bringing a hooker to subsequent dinner parties with the same people usually answers all of their questions without them asking.
The Environment Master - Now that they have replaced a couple of light bulbs in their living room with “high efficiency†bulbs and rode their bicycle to work once last summer, they are now champions in a crusade to save the planet. Listen in amazement as they detail their half baked planet saving achievements, and provide you with environment statistics about carbon emissions they heard off the same public service radio advertisements you too have heard over and over again for the past five months. As an added bonus, you’ll be attempting to rip your own ears off when listening to how they sort their recycling and hear stroke inducing catch phrases like â€It’s time for us all to do the right thing.†and “Mother nature depends on ALL of us for it’s survival.†But don’t dig too deep with questions about other environmental initiatives they have spearheaded - we wouldn’t want to expose the fact that they really haven’t done anything at all that would put them out of their comfort zone. Then wait for that magic moment when they prod you for when you’ll be part of their new wave movement to become “conscious of mother earthâ€.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
know anybody like this or maybe you have your own story.
