I have some Canadian Jokes

I love our friendly neighbors to the North! Let's just see if they have a sense of humor.

A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!"



A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"

"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.

"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade.



Top Ten Reasons For Being Canadian

10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.

8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge frigging shotguns and cover your house in their skins.

7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.

5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.

2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

1. It beats being an American.



An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.

The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."

The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."

The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."

The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."



The difference between a New Yorker seeing his CAR being

vandalized & a Canadian seeing HIS car being vandalized is:

The New Yorker will yell "EH!!!! Wot you think yur DOING??"

The Canadian will yell "Wot you think yur doing EH!!???"

This one's for Carolyn!

Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.

The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat.

The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel it?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we’ve just got to have a cook-out when the weather’s THIS nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.

He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two???"

The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don’t you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."

"Then", asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I’m a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That’s no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I’d be an American."

Two Canadian ships were sailing across the Atlantic, one Canadian ship was carrying red paint, the other Canadian ship was carrying blue paint.

The ships collide and the crews are lost except for one Canadian sailor from each ship. The two sailors are marooned on a life boat.

After three days, the sailors are very thirsty and have nothing to drink.

After another day, a bottle floats along side the life boat, the Canadian sailor opens the bottle and a Genie magically appears.

The Genie says, "I’m a magic Genie, but I’m only giving you one wish because you opened the bottle without rubbing it first"

The first Canadian says, "I wish the ocean blue here was LaBatt Blue beer."

Suddenly the entire ocean is beer.

The second Canadian says, "Oh great, now we have to pee in the boat."

Canadian Tourism Questions

* Dec. 30th, 2003 at 9:28 AM

Canadian

All questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website

(or so the email said!)

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. . . oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)

A: Wherever significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)

A: You are an American politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Saskatchewan License Plates

* Dec. 30th, 2003 at 9:35 AM

Canadian

WTF is Saskatchewan?

Saskatchewan is a prairie province of Canada, known for it's incredible flatness and extending wheatfields (amongst other things). The province recently (within the last 5 years or so) decided to come up with a logo for their license plates. The entry that actually won was "Land of the Living Skies," but a lot of people thought some of these would be more appropriate Enjoy!

A contest was held by the Edmonton Sun for people to send in their entries of what the Saskatchewan license plate should read. These were some of the entries:

* Saskatchewan - It's a Dry Cold

* Saskatchewan - Flat Out Great

* Saskatchewan - Eat Our Dust

* Saskatchewan - We're getting smartur??

* Cruise Control Heaven

* Land of the Leaving

* Meet You in Alberta

* Saskatchewan - A Place Where No Man Can Leap to His Death

* Manitoba's Evil Twin

* See Saskatchewan - Standing on a Chair

* You've Arrived in Saskatchewan. Sorry About That.

* Yours to Drive Through

* We Are All Related!

* Saskatchewan - Through the Straw Curtain

As well, other submissions were:

Between Carolyn and Shelley and Ricci and Katana.... your toast, Darla!!! hahaha

Originally Posted by Karren /img/forum/go_quote.gif Between Carolyn and Shelley and Ricci and Katana.... your toast, Darla!!! hahaha Naaaaww they have a sense of humor!

link to great canadian joke

the official canadian temperature conversion chart ( read & laugh)

www.geography.about.com/library/misc/blhumor13.htm?p=1

Love your jokes Darla - especially the Hippo!

Newfies are really known for their sense of humour, but I don't think many Canadians take themselves too seriously.

Molson Canadian (beer company) put out a series of "I Am Canadian" commercials that are quite funny and point out the subtle differences between Canadians and Americans.

Hilarious jokes Darla! I especially like the Canadian tourism questions, lol.