Life.

hey everyone! i'm back.

i've been so so busy dealing with a million different things for the past few months. junior year of high school started and my boyfriend broke up with me, and i'm just so ridiculously stressed that i need to rant. prepare for a very long post.

well at the end of the summer my "amazing" boyfriend broke up with me. i'm still not even 100% sure why.. but it absolutely shattered me. if you read my blog you'd know how happy he made me despite a bunch of other things going on in my life. he was probably the one thing that held me together. i didn't totally rely on him for everything, i never made him my whole life, but he made me so happy.

what happened was that he was the one that i lost my virginity to, he lost his to me, too. we thought we were ready, but a couple of times he freaked out about me getting pregnant even though there was no way i could get pregnant. i was on birth control for medical reasons, which he knew, and we were using condoms every time we had sex. one night he freaked out a lot, and he wanted me to call the doctor to ask if there was any way i COULD get pregnant. i did the next morning, and my gynecologist reassured me that there was no way. i told him that, and he calmed down. when i saw him at the pool where he works later that day, he said he wanted to talk about us having sex again when we saw each other again that night. that night, he came over, and said he didn't want to have sex again. i mean, i understood why and everything, but it was a lot, and i started to cry. i guess he took that the wrong way, and he broke up with me, giving some bull "it's not you, it's me" answer.

meanwhile, my best friend could care less about any of that. oh no. she used to have a big crush on him for years, but she assured me she was over all of that years ago. but when he and i were going out, she wouldn't even let me talk to her about him. and the night he broke up with me, i called her in tears, and she asked me "well what happened?" and i just told her everything; how he and i had sex, how he broke up with me, everything. and what she said to that was "well i wish you didn't tell me that,". i can't even describe the 1000 shades of upset i was.

after that, she could still care less. she started this bullshit rumor that he tried to make a move on her when he and i were together, and was and is still trying to convince me that he did. i'm staying out of that. but when i was upset and trying to get over him (which i'm still not, it's been 3 months exactly) she didn't give a shit. she would turn it into "oh poor me he tried to make a move on me. why don't YOU care, maddy? why don't YOU believe me?" every time. nothing about me and how i'm upset, it's all about her.

on top of all of that, my medical issues are still going on. i've missed about 3 weeks of school in a row and i'm in all honors classes. i'm really behind now. it's junior year of high school and it started off terribly.

i've been diagnosed with depression and am getting psychiatric evaluations. i have some trust issues now, because the 2 people, my best friend and my boyfriend who i cared so deeply about let me down. i just needed to rant. let it all out. badly. it's been a terrible 3 months.

thanks for listening if you even read it all haha. i know it was a lot.

Well, high school is not for the faint of heart. I understand why you are sad and I wish I could make it better for you. Things will get better and you will be fine. I went through a clinical depression many years ago, and while they are not fun, they can be successfully treated and I'm confident yours will be also. Good luck, we are here for you!

thanks, Lisa. i mean today's a good day. today's a day where i'm feeling hopeful that i'll be better eventually. a lot of the time i never feel as if something will happen. tomorrow i'm going for another psychiatric evaluation which will pretty much determine what anti-depressants i'll be taking. i'm looking forward to it. i know that the anti-depressants won't make my problems go away, but it'll help me better cope with them.

chicken, they both sound like crazy people!

you are totally better off without either of them. Yes, stressful, yes sad, but before you know it, you'll be able to look back on all of this and see the benefits, and also without feeling sad!

I'm sorry that I can't make you feel better now though

I'm so sorry, I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but really TIME is the only thing that can. And it will I promise! Soon enough all this will be just foggy memories. I agree with Rosie they both seem like they were toxic friends to begin with and you need genuine loved ones in your life. I've been put on anxiety meds and anti-depression meds at different points in my life. Sometimes they can make you feel so much better and really help bring you out of a dark place, and other times, idk I didn't really like myself on them, especially looking back, it's hard to explain. I guess I'm just saying be careful with them. There's lots of different ones out there, and they can work totally different. The important thing is there will be a better boy and a better friend soon enough, and they'll be good to you and make you forget all about those 2. And stuff like this will continue to happen throughout life, but there is pretty much always a silver lining, and grass growing greener somewhere else and all those other cheesy sayings!!

Wow I'm so sorry that the 2 people you trusted the most hurt you so badly. Only time will heal all wounds so with in time things will get better. They dont deserve to be in your life. Hang in there.

Oh, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better for you soon!

You poor thing!

I'm so sorry to hear about everything that's happened. I agree with Rosie that in the long run you are so much better off without them. I really hope that you start to feel better soon.

thanks so much for the replies, everyone. to be quite honest, they mean so much to me. really. they brightened up my day

I'm sorry your so sad and this is happening.

It will definitely get better. The only advice I can give you is just try to focus on school and yourself and making yourself better and not worry about them. Life is too short to let others bring you down. You'll find another boyfriend and another best friend that will treat you better then these two ever have and you'll wonder why you spent so much time being sad about them.

I understand the virginity thing is probably whats making you hold on to this guy but trust me from my experience (I lost it to a guy that treated me like crap) he ISN'T worth it. You absolutely will find another guy that's WAY better then this one.

Keep your head up! I hope everything works out for you!

I understand how you feel. Me and my current boyfriend broke up for a few months last year and I was distraught..I kinda lost all my friends because I was devoting all my time to him so when we broke up I didn't have anyone to talk to. We did get back together but I definitely make sure I spend lots of time with my friends. It really sucks about your friend though, if she is acting like that she is so not worth it. Better friends will come along and a better boy, like Kaylin said, time really will help. At least you have all of us to rant to!

With 2 "friends" like that, no wonder you are depressed!!!! Seriously, it hurts now but it really does get better. Just hang in there and remember that there are a lot of people that care about you.

thanks everyone.. it's just so hard to keep going. i pretty much left my "best friend" because i knew that she was treating me terribly and i didn't deserve that, and it was breaking me down even further. so now on saturday nights like these, i'm alone. it sounds stupid and corny but it really sucks. i'm just doing little things now to cheer me up, like watching a movie or playing a video game or something. for me it's just getting through the day. and even if i did have an excuse to go out with people, i wouldn't be able to because i'm in pain chronically. it's all really frustrating.