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Having lost most of my CD collection and almost all of my sanity in two "cohabitation divorces," I have learned a thing or two about living with a significant other. In both cases, I entered a joint lease with my love after spending lots of time fantasizing about snuggling up every night on 800-thread-count sheets and almost no time thinking about what it would mean to Live With My Boyfriend.
As a result, we never talked about our long-term plans for the relationship, who would pay for what, how chores would be divided or how we would split jointly purchased loot if (when) we broke up. Experts confirm what I learned from experience:
These lapses lead directly to interpersonal Armageddon.
As a service to anyone thinking about cohabitating with a significant other, I present, in order of importance, the Five Things You Absolutely Must Do Before Shacking Up. Ignore this advice at your peril.
1. Have the 'relationship' talk before you agree to move in
Is this the first step toward marriage or a way to save on rent? Either answer is fine as long as the two of you are on the same page.
"Sometimes people go about moving in with assumptions about how the other person feels, then they're surprised when they talk about it," says Marshall Miller, a co-founder of the Alternatives to Marriage Project in Brooklyn, N.Y., and a co-author of "Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple." "That's when you're headed for trouble."
It's a hard conversation but one you have to have. It might not sound terribly important from a financial perspective, but moving in -- then out again -- can get very expensive. You will save yourself a lot of dough if you and your partner align your relationship vision before calling the movers.
2. Decide who pays for what
If you both make roughly the same amount of money, this part is pretty easy. Figure out how high on the hog you want to live. Then split the joint expenses for that lifestyle down the middle. The simplest way to do this is to set up a joint bank account, have a portion of your paycheck automatically transferred from your personal account into the joint account each month, then have all your joint expenses paid electronically from that account.
Get a joint credit card for common items such as groceries, dinners out, etc. Pay that card with the joint checking account. This means no forgetting to pay bills, no late fees, no recriminations; no one gets stuck with unpaid bills if you split up.
When one partner makes significantly more money than the other, things get sticky. Again, the cure is talk. Do you both want to contribute an equal percentage of your income to the joint account? Whose income will determine the standard of living that you have? In lieu of cash, will the poorer partner provide services in kind, such as housekeeping, the laundry and cooking?
There is no one-size-fits-all answer here, but have the conversation, so at the very least you're both in agreement and no one feels financially used or financially helpless in the relationship.
A note about rent: If one partner owns a home and the other moves in, experts advise that the nonowner contribute only as much as he or she was spending in rent before the move. Any more than that could be seen as contributing to the equity of the home, and, according to Kraig Kast, the CEO of Atherton Trust in Redwood Shores, Calif., some courts have ruled that the nonowner is entitled to a return on that investment.
Kast advises that unless marriage is definitely in the plan, it is best to keep financial matters separate. If you both agree this is just a trial or convenience cohabitation, it's probably best to limit the number of joint purchases of assets.
3. Decide how you'll divvy up chores
You don't have to draft a complicated chore calendar, but agree on how you'll split household chores. The good news for live-in lovers is that research has shown they tend to divide chores in a more egalitarian, less gender-based way than do married couples. So you've got that going for you. The bad news is that chores are a proxy for everything that is wrong about a relationship, so it is vital that this bomb be defused at the start.
Some couples feel that the person who earns the most money should have fewer household chores. I believe chore load should be based on the amount of free, nonworking time each partner has. Some divide the chore list based on competencies; others literally draw from a hat to see who does what. Set up a plan to deal with the inevitable chore slacking. If you can afford it, I'm a big advocate of outsourcing as many of the nasty chores as possible. It frees up more time to enjoy each other and prevents arguments. A cleaning lady is lots cheaper than couples counseling.
4. Develop a breakup plan in advance
It's much easier to do this when you're in love than when you want to kill each other. And no, you don't need a lawyer (although, for those with significant assets to protect, a legally binding do***ent is safest, says Kast). Debra Neiman, a certified financial planner at Neiman & Associates Financial Services in Arlington, Mass., says it's perfectly acceptable to just sit down in front of a computer, write down who is bringing what into the communal home (especially big-ticket items), create a dissolution plan for jointly purchased items and identify which of you will move out if you break up.
Continued from page 2
If one partner has more assets, the other should explicitly state that he or she asserts no rights to the wealthier partner's assets and has no intention of living in the same location or maintaining the couple's existing lifestyle in the event of a split. If you want the decisions to be more binding than a handshake, you can have the agreement notarized.
5. Never, ever move in with someone who is unemployed
Just don't. Trust me on this. If one of you loses your job after you move in together, that's a different matter. But you're a fool if you bring that type of emotional and financial drama into your life on purpose.
None of this sounds very romantic, and it's not, but these conversations are crucial. They're also a great way to determine whether your future live-in is interested in you or just your money, Kast says. Having ground rules from the outset is better than making it up as you go and inevitably paying for it on the back end -- whether with cash, compact discs or your sanity.
Source
As a result, we never talked about our long-term plans for the relationship, who would pay for what, how chores would be divided or how we would split jointly purchased loot if (when) we broke up. Experts confirm what I learned from experience:
These lapses lead directly to interpersonal Armageddon.
As a service to anyone thinking about cohabitating with a significant other, I present, in order of importance, the Five Things You Absolutely Must Do Before Shacking Up. Ignore this advice at your peril.
1. Have the 'relationship' talk before you agree to move in
Is this the first step toward marriage or a way to save on rent? Either answer is fine as long as the two of you are on the same page.
"Sometimes people go about moving in with assumptions about how the other person feels, then they're surprised when they talk about it," says Marshall Miller, a co-founder of the Alternatives to Marriage Project in Brooklyn, N.Y., and a co-author of "Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple." "That's when you're headed for trouble."
It's a hard conversation but one you have to have. It might not sound terribly important from a financial perspective, but moving in -- then out again -- can get very expensive. You will save yourself a lot of dough if you and your partner align your relationship vision before calling the movers.
2. Decide who pays for what
If you both make roughly the same amount of money, this part is pretty easy. Figure out how high on the hog you want to live. Then split the joint expenses for that lifestyle down the middle. The simplest way to do this is to set up a joint bank account, have a portion of your paycheck automatically transferred from your personal account into the joint account each month, then have all your joint expenses paid electronically from that account.
Get a joint credit card for common items such as groceries, dinners out, etc. Pay that card with the joint checking account. This means no forgetting to pay bills, no late fees, no recriminations; no one gets stuck with unpaid bills if you split up.
When one partner makes significantly more money than the other, things get sticky. Again, the cure is talk. Do you both want to contribute an equal percentage of your income to the joint account? Whose income will determine the standard of living that you have? In lieu of cash, will the poorer partner provide services in kind, such as housekeeping, the laundry and cooking?
There is no one-size-fits-all answer here, but have the conversation, so at the very least you're both in agreement and no one feels financially used or financially helpless in the relationship.
A note about rent: If one partner owns a home and the other moves in, experts advise that the nonowner contribute only as much as he or she was spending in rent before the move. Any more than that could be seen as contributing to the equity of the home, and, according to Kraig Kast, the CEO of Atherton Trust in Redwood Shores, Calif., some courts have ruled that the nonowner is entitled to a return on that investment.
Kast advises that unless marriage is definitely in the plan, it is best to keep financial matters separate. If you both agree this is just a trial or convenience cohabitation, it's probably best to limit the number of joint purchases of assets.
3. Decide how you'll divvy up chores
You don't have to draft a complicated chore calendar, but agree on how you'll split household chores. The good news for live-in lovers is that research has shown they tend to divide chores in a more egalitarian, less gender-based way than do married couples. So you've got that going for you. The bad news is that chores are a proxy for everything that is wrong about a relationship, so it is vital that this bomb be defused at the start.
Some couples feel that the person who earns the most money should have fewer household chores. I believe chore load should be based on the amount of free, nonworking time each partner has. Some divide the chore list based on competencies; others literally draw from a hat to see who does what. Set up a plan to deal with the inevitable chore slacking. If you can afford it, I'm a big advocate of outsourcing as many of the nasty chores as possible. It frees up more time to enjoy each other and prevents arguments. A cleaning lady is lots cheaper than couples counseling.
4. Develop a breakup plan in advance
It's much easier to do this when you're in love than when you want to kill each other. And no, you don't need a lawyer (although, for those with significant assets to protect, a legally binding do***ent is safest, says Kast). Debra Neiman, a certified financial planner at Neiman & Associates Financial Services in Arlington, Mass., says it's perfectly acceptable to just sit down in front of a computer, write down who is bringing what into the communal home (especially big-ticket items), create a dissolution plan for jointly purchased items and identify which of you will move out if you break up.
Continued from page 2
If one partner has more assets, the other should explicitly state that he or she asserts no rights to the wealthier partner's assets and has no intention of living in the same location or maintaining the couple's existing lifestyle in the event of a split. If you want the decisions to be more binding than a handshake, you can have the agreement notarized.
5. Never, ever move in with someone who is unemployed
Just don't. Trust me on this. If one of you loses your job after you move in together, that's a different matter. But you're a fool if you bring that type of emotional and financial drama into your life on purpose.
None of this sounds very romantic, and it's not, but these conversations are crucial. They're also a great way to determine whether your future live-in is interested in you or just your money, Kast says. Having ground rules from the outset is better than making it up as you go and inevitably paying for it on the back end -- whether with cash, compact discs or your sanity.
Source
