Give the guy another chance?

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So...I work with this guy, and we share the same birthday--same year and everything. He works on a different floor and I don't know him THAT well, but we've gone out in a group before. And because we share a birthday, we've sort of 'celebrated' together before. A lot of my friends at work pick on him and just give him a lot of crap...and one day I just thought about it and wondered if he's really THAT bad. So I asked my friends and most of them said he can be annoying to work with sometimes, but he really is a sweet guy. A few of my co-workers wanted to take me out for my birthday this year, in early December, so I invited him to come too since it was his birthday as well, and he came. He seems really nice, and he's just like me--we just turned 41 and neither of us has been married, no kids. (I'm just throwing that out there because at my age that is harder to find...)

So a bunch of us all went out and it was a good time. A couple days later we were IM'ing at work and he said it was an ok time--I think only because it was all MY friends and he didn't really know anyone. I said I was sorry he just had an ok time and he goes "Any time spent with you is quality time". Say what? Turns out the guy has been interested in me for several years and I never knew it. We ended up going on a date--just to dinner and a movie, and it went ok. There were no sparks, butterflies or any of that stuff-but again, at my age I think I'm just better off finding someone I feel safe and comfortable with--there really is no such thing as the butterfly feeling.

So later that week he invites me to his house for a movie...that went fine--we watched the movie and sort of snuggled up, and it felt nice. As SOON as the movie was over he grabbed the remote and hit 'stop' and turned and started kissing me. BUT it wasn't good at all--his idea was kissing was tongue jammed down my throat for the better part of an hour; along with tongue all up in my ear (which I HATE)....my jaw literally ACHED when I left his house. I kept trying to back off and take a little control and slow it down a bit, but he thought I was teasing and went after it harder. At one point he sort of accidentally grazed my crotch lightly, and it was sort of a turn on. But then he got the idea to start rubbing down there--HARD--and didn't let up. It was like his every idea of what a woman likes was the exact opposite of what we actually DO like. At one point I told him I was leaving in like ten minutes--that was the wrong thing to say, because once he realized he was on the clock, he went that much faster and harder. Before the date I had told him I wanted to go REALLY slow with things, and to his favor, he didn't try anything more with me. It was just making out, but it just wasn't good at all.

So now I'm totally turned off and don't want to be alone with the guy again. I don't know if I like him because I like the idea that he likes me, or what. He really is nice, and he tells me I'm sexy and hot, and it's been a long time since I've heard that, and frankly, I need it.

So I don't know what to do--do I give him another chance, and hope that he was just really excited and over-zealous, and maybe things will go slower the next time, or do I just write it off?

He's tried to get me to come over again, and I've come up with many excuses, but he keeps trying--I don't know if that is being cute and charming, or just desperate.

My friends who know him say he IS nice and would treat me great, and he has the same family values as I do, etc. But I'm just scared to death to be alone with him again and act like I'm enjoying myself when I'm not. He seems to think he's doing it all right--how do you tell someone something that personal, that they are doing that stuff all wrong???

Sorry for the long rant--this has been on my mind for a while now and don't really have anyone to talk to about it.

 
If you want to see him again, make sure that you do it in public - restaurants, sporting event like bowling or billiards, but not a not a dark cinema.

Drive yourself to and from the date so you are not alone with him.

Make sure that he understands 100% that you thought he went too fast and you are definately not good with that.

I do understand that you feel you are a bit older - I'm 45. But never settle for anyone. Give him another date or 2 - if he behaves the same way, walk away.

 
I agree as well with Caro, 100%.

If you're not comfortable with how quickly he was moving, he needs to know. You didn't do anything wrong, he did.

IMO, it's setting off small alarm bells if he's not all that great at this stuff, and he's 40 odd years old. Even if he'd been 25 when he first started dating, that's 15 years to practise, lol!

 
the fact that he is not a good kisser is not what concerns me. becuase everyone does have a diffrent prefrence, but the fact that he did not slow things down when you asked him to is kind of worry-some.

I would make the next date in a public place, and make it really clear that you want to move slowly and you feel that he is pushing you to fast.

I would also take some time to think about if he is someone you turley like or if you are just settleing. You said when he cuddled with you it was nice, but was it that it was him or just that someone was holding you?

 
Oh, thanks for pointing that out Orange
smile.gif


I didn't mean, that it should set off alarm bells that he's bad at kissing, but that he didn't slow down, and seemed to be unaware that he was making her uncomfortable. Any kind of decent guy should be closely watching his date for her reaction to touching, and be speeding up or slowing down accordingly, IMO - a guy can get cautioned for assault for what he did to Rebbie, so it's to his own advantage to have a good idea of whether she is comfortable with his behaviour.

 
wow, i'd be pretty uncomfortable with that. as orange pointed out, you have to ask yourself if you really like him. if you didn't know that he liked you, would you like him? whatever you do, you need to decide that soon because you could end up stringing him along and hurting him, or worse, not have the confidence to leave and be stuck in a tepid relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, which never leads to good things.

i know it may be rare at your age to meet someone in a similar situation as you, but that doesn't necessitate that they're definately they right person for you. you're still young (yes, 41 is young!) and you don't need to settle for someone who doesn't give you butterflies.

 
I've been in an incomfortable position like that before and it turned me off big time. Has he maybe watched too much porn? I've found some guys to pull some freaky maneuvers thinking they're doing what girls like (and when is anything in porn ever real lol). I'm not saying what he did was okay either as I fully agree with Carolyn. And definitely never settle. You have one life and it would be better spent with someone you deeply love than someone who was just around.

 
Thanks for the advice girls. I pretty much agree too, but I guess I just needed to get it out there.

Let me maybe make this more clear though--in no way did I EVER feel 'unsafe'. I think he would totally flip if he thought he had made me feel that way. I don't mean to say I was ever worried that he wouldn't say stop if I told him too--in that instance I feel pretty assured that he WOULD stop. He was just going at it sort of in the wrong way, and I never TOLD him to stop...I just kind of backed away a little bit and tried to slow it down a little--more kissing just on the lips and not quite so much tongue jammed down the throat. When I did that he thought I was teasing and got more in to it. But again, I never ONCE felt like he was taking advantage or was I worried for my safety or anything. I think he was just a little overzealous with things and maybe kind of has an inflated opinion on how he is, or what he thinks that girls like.

Yes, Orange I thought of that too--it was nice, and I think it was nice just to be snuggling with someone besides my cat. (although I'd be hard pressed to find a better snuggler than my little Owen!)

I sort of decided to give him one more shot--just going to a movie that I want to see--just to see if maybe that first time he was just really excited and got a little too INTO it, and maybe next time it'll go a bit slower. If not, then I guess I'll write it off. He just really is a nice guy and I think I partly just want to be liked (which makes me sound extremely pathetic and I'm really not) and partly I want to like him too.

Thanks for listening...

 
I think you should just tell him that this is something you don't like or want and if he wants to go out again here are the ground rules!! Your in the drivers seat.. In my humble opinion. If he doesn't want to abide then game over..

 

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