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need help on essay!!!

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this is my draft that my prof graded on. i want to know how i can change it to make it better for my final draft. like what should i take out except the examples and what i should change or add etc. she graded my rough draft a 70. thanks for the help everyone! btw the words are in blue are what my prof. changed and comments.

 

A Response to " The Pleasures of Learning" by Highet, Gilbert ( class English 101 handout)

I have to agree with Gilbert Highet (1906-1978) after reading "The Pleasures of Learning" that if someone avoids learning or even abandon it, their life will be boring and uneducated. When someone has a goal , they will feel the pleasure from the process of learning it or the satisfaction after achieving it. I learn because is it enjoyable, fulfilling and it also expand our

knowledge which are important in my life. For example, I am here at **** College because I have a goal, and my goal is to graduate from college and become a Dental Hygienist and nobody can control how much education i can get but me.

 

Highet pointed out that learning should be fun and pleasurable, and I find his view on human activates convincing, but there are some people that don't know how to enjoy learning. He wrote, "At the end of each successful investigation, there comes over each tiny face an expression of pure heartfelt pleasure (2nd paragraph, last sentence) it's ok, there's no need to be this specific here .This specific example clarified Highet's view by saying we learn because we have a goal to achieve and after achieving it we will get pleasure , joy, and satisfaction that we yearned for. However, there are people that don't enjoy learning or even open up their mind to expand their knowledge. There can be many factors to why some people don't want to learn, for example, they can be stubborn, ignorant, or shortsighted. It is true that certain subjects in school is hard<> or boring, but we have to study how to study and find pleasure out of studying in order to expand our knowledge and knowledge means power and wealth. We might not use what we learn in school now but we will in the future. As I was in my English class one day and my Professor told us that when she was watching her niece watch Barbie, Barbie said, "Math is hard lets go shopping instead". After I heard that phrase Barbie said, I immediately rolled my eyes because if an adult thinks that way then they are shortsighted and lazy. I'm not sure how this example fits in with the rest of your essay. If there is something that we encounter in life and we don't know how it works, we should do everything in our own power to find out how it works and access that information because as an adult there is no excuse for being ignorant. We can't walk around saying we don't know certain things that we're suppose to know as an adult. Here's another example, a guy did something against the law and went to go to court and told the judge, "Oh I didn't know that was against the law". What is the judge going to tell him? The judge will just tell him he should know! This is how I was taught since I was young.

 

I lived a hard life when I was in China; therefore, I enjoy learning a lot especially in America because I want to be successful, and I believe those who aren't willing to learn will never become successful. I think if someone dares to dream big and is committed in achieving their goal they will become rich , and it is true that poor people matures at a younger age and have more willpower . Before I came to the America, I lived in China until I was 10 years old. My family was so poor when I was young that I only have 2 sets of clothes to wear to school, so the school offered to give me some for free because in China good hygiene and manners are very important in school. Besides the clothes, I didn't even have money to buy pens. All I can effort back then was one pencil, and I have to use that one pencil until it is one inch long then my parents would let me buy another one. I had a good chance to change my life when I found out that my family and I are going to America. After living in New York and worked in a dental office for 12 years as a dental assistant to a receptionist then to a supervisor, I knew I wanted to become a Dental Hygienist. As I mentioned, knowledge gives us power and wealth but its not easy and I still have a long way to go before I can become a successful Hygienist. As Highet said, "Man has the capacity to attain it; but to achieve it depends on his own effects. It needs a long, deliberate effort of the mind and emotions, and even body" (16th paragraph, last sentence). I am currently taking 16 credits this semester in college right now so I know I am one step closer to achieving my goal. By passing my classes each semester I know that I am another step closer to my goal and that is what keeps me going.

 

The process of learning when you are a child is to become an adult, and as an adult we learn in order to expand our knowledge, achieve our goal, and to keep our lives active and lively. If a person abandons learning they will never become an adult as Highet mentioned, " Learning extends our lives (as Ptolemy said) into new dimensions. It iscumulative" (13th paragraph, first sentence).

this is good, but the #1 problem you have is it's almost twice the required length. Teachers ask for a certain number of words for a reason, and most of the time we don't get too upset if you're 10% over (or under), but more than that and you're playing with fire. See what you can cut out right away (the Barbie story and the law breaker story can definitely go right away--focus on yourself). With proper editing, this could definitely be in the B range quite easily.

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if you just look at what your prof. wrote you should be able to change it for the better. MUT isn't here for helping you with homework, that's something you have to do yourself! smile.gif plus posting assignments like this on the internet can lead to plagarism. just let me know if you want me to delete this for you. sorry but we can't really help!

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