Dating an older guy

[diana3]

For the past three weeks, I have been dating an older guy. He's three years older then me. I know it doesn't seem much, but I'm 17, and he's 20. So it's not exactly "legal" , lol.

I'm usually not intimidated by guys, but by him I really am. He's really attractive and i guess that's where my insecurities show. At a lot of times there's akward silences because I try too hard to say the "perfect" thing, but sometimes I guess I just can't think of the right thing to say.

When he kisses me, I always hold back because I don't think I'm too good or "experienced" as he is.

I really want to get over my insecurities and show him the real person that I am, but i can't.

I go to school, and he usually has work. hes a trainer at my gym, so we kind of have to meet outside of the gym.

when he calls or texts me, i usually say stupid things that are not like what i would usually say.

how the heck am i suppose to surpass my insecurities? :/

 

[luxotika]

No offense, but he is 20 years old and IMO, has no business dating a minor. He could probably get into some trouble for that. With that being said......... Just don't try to be so perfect around him. You will like yourself and enjoy yourself more being around him if you aren't constantly being worried about what he will think. Let your guard down a little bit (not too much though) and you might have some fun!

 

[lummerz]

If you can't be comfortable with yourself...then how can you be comfortable with other people let alone in a relationship with a guy.

Sure, it's nice to have that tingly sensation when we are going out with someone, having butterflies in your stomach and so on...

but if you are always worrying about not matching up to his standards and such, why would you want to be with a person that makes you feel that way? If he doesn't make you feel that way, then why are you in a relationship? We all have insecurities, but if it's to the point that you can't speak to him because he will blow you off or think you are lame...then is all that worrying really worth it?

The fact is, you can't just get over your insecurities....

Why is he going out with you? If you know why he likes you..then those are the qualities you should be focused on and perhaps that will settle your nerves. Besides, is there really such a thing as a perfect man? Probably and probably not...most likely the latter..and if it was me..my definition of a perfect man is someone i can have fun with and accepts my flaws and all....honey...if you find a man like that...then you're good to go

 

[TheOpenRoad]

My boyfriend is almost 5 years older than me. I don't feel weird about it because he can be immature at times and doesn't take things too seriously, and I have always been considered mature for my age for some reason. I think it might just take some time for you to get used to him and the situation... just try not to think about the "age gap" so much. Just relax and take it as it comes. He should not make you feel inadequate, you don't always have to say the perfect thing. He should like you for who you are, so I agree with Luxotika. Just be careful, because he is doing something illegal so you have to think about his possible motives too.

 

[Jennifer]

which state are you in, if you don't mind me asking? 17 is legal here in NY.

 

[diana3]

Originally Posted by Jennifer /img/forum/go_quote.gif which state are you in, if you don't mind me asking? 17 is legal here in NY. california
i can't exactly tell what i'm intimitdated by though.

I know it has something to do with the age though. It might be the fact that i'm afraid he'll probably go for an older, hotter chick, so for that reason i dont talk so i dont look stupid

 

[han]

i dont think theres anything wrong with a 17 year old dateing a 20 y.o your probley more mature than him.. lol

i think its normal to be a lil insecure in the begining of dateing someone, not knowing what there thinking or feeling, im sure in time you will get over your insecurities when you get to know him a lil more, just try to relax and be yourself..

good luck!

 

[pinksugar]

lol I agree, a 17 year old girl is frequently more mature than a 40 year old guy, never mind 20!

look, if I were you, I'd explain your worries and fears to him. Then he knows how you are feeling and can be more supportive. Otherwise, how do you know that he's not taking your reactions for being uninterested in him, or whatever? not trying to sound scary or anything, but I'd just have a 5 minute explanation to him of how you feel and let him know that you want to be more like yourself but you're adjusting to the situation still!

good luck with him!

 

[diana3]

Originally Posted by pinksugar /img/forum/go_quote.gif lol I agree, a 17 year old girl is frequently more mature than a 40 year old guy, never mind 20!
look, if I were you, I'd explain your worries and fears to him. Then he knows how you are feeling and can be more supportive. Otherwise, how do you know that he's not taking your reactions for being uninterested in him, or whatever? not trying to sound scary or anything, but I'd just have a 5 minute explanation to him of how you feel and let him know that you want to be more like yourself but you're adjusting to the situation still!

good luck with him!

Haha you know what, I never thought of it that way!.. that'll definantley help me! thanks! (the 17 year old girl being more mature part).
hmm actually, he might be taking my reactions that why.. because the other day he kept telling me "i feel that you're bored with me"

thanks guys the advice is really helping me

 

[emily_3383]

Originally Posted by lummerz /img/forum/go_quote.gif If you can't be comfortable with yourself...then how can you be comfortable with other people let alone in a relationship with a guy.
Sure, it's nice to have that tingly sensation when we are going out with someone, having butterflies in your stomach and so on...

but if you are always worrying about not matching up to his standards and such, why would you want to be with a person that makes you feel that way? If he doesn't make you feel that way, then why are you in a relationship? We all have insecurities, but if it's to the point that you can't speak to him because he will blow you off or think you are lame...then is all that worrying really worth it?

The fact is, you can't just get over your insecurities....

Why is he going out with you? If you know why he likes you..then those are the qualities you should be focused on and perhaps that will settle your nerves. Besides, is there really such a thing as a perfect man? Probably and probably not...most likely the latter..and if it was me..my definition of a perfect man is someone i can have fun with and accepts my flaws and all....honey...if you find a man like that...then you're good to go

I agree with what you said.

 

[rejectstar]

3 years older isn't so bad... I was dating an 18 year old when I was 16, so that's only 2 years, but still. Dating an older guy is great, because guys are frequently behind in the maturity department by about 2-3 years, LOL. My best advice to you is honestly, just be yourself. It sounds hard, I know. But if your guy can't love you for who you are, then he has no business being with you at all! Show him that you're a smart, mature girl-- not a giggly airhead, and he'll probably be less inclined to dump you for "older, hotter" women. Let yourself go and just have fun... but smart, mature fun. Haha.

 

[Dragonfly]

Holy cats girl. When I say I date younger men I am refering to their age of 30 and my age of 43. I don't see any big deal of 17 to 20.

However, if you're not ready to date someone a few years older, tell him you'll look him up in a year or two.

 

[Blue_eyes]

I know the girl who is 23 and she dating 43 years old man, and no problem at all

 

[Aprill]

aww please, you are 17 and he is 20..... that is not a big deal at all, just talk to him

 

[utmostrose]

Well, like you said, the whole legal thing is an issue that is sticking up like a sore thumb, so while I'm not exactly telling you to go for it... when I was dating my now-husband who is 6 years older than me, I was very uncomfortable around him at first (in the butterfly nervous way) because he was the really the nicest person I had ever met and I didn't know if he was for real or not! So, if that is why you are so nervous and not sure how to act around him, than it work itself out in time!

If, on the otherhand, you are trying to censor yourself and feel sick about meeting him and feel more bad and less good about your times together and *that's* why you feel nervous around him, but you still want to be around him, perhaps you are caught up in the idea that an older, attractive guy is interested you, even though the chemistry isn't there, and even though he may be sendign obvious signals (that you might be ignoring) that something about this relationship isn't right. One way to find out is by talking to him about cooling things down a bit until you turn eighteen (which should be less than a year away even if you've just turned 17 today). The way he reponds to that will tell you a lot about how he feels about you and the relationship and why he really likes you.

 

[nuberianne]

I don't see anything wrong with a 17 yo dating a 20 yo. I was 17 when I first went off to college. At that age I think you are young to be having sex anyway. I know that is not what this thread is about but I'm just thinking out loud. So, if there is no sex involved I don't see age as a problem anyway.

You stated in your first post that you were nervous that you were not kissing right. That is a common feeling that I think many of us have gone through. Take it slow. If he is the one he would be patient with you. Never let a man talk you into doing anything in a relationship that you are not comfortable with.

 

[4getmeNot]

I don't see anything wrong with it. You probably are more mature than him too! Just try to be yourself and be comfortable...I know it can be difficult at times but, think of it this way: does he meet up to your standards? Having self confidence is very important. He wouldn't have iniiated the relationship if he wasn't into you. Hope it works out good.

 

[CuTeLiCiOuS]

You are completely normal to feel the way you do. He is 20 and has experienced college. Even people who are the same age or in there thirties still feel hesitant or scared about things like these in relationships. There is nothing be ashamed about. He should respect and understand that. Just give yourself time, you are young. Follow your intuition. There is nothing greater than a woman who carries herself with dignity and respect.

 

[asianada]

I met my husband when I was 17 and we have been together for 8 years now and have 2 beautiful children together.... He's 13 years older than me. Couldn't be more in love and more in sync with one anothers thoughts feelings and love for one another. Maturity wise, I think I'm the more mature one but we both have our silly days.

But, it really depends on the person. What your upbringing was like and how you perceive relationships and how much life experience you've had.

I personally had to be a grown up once I turned 14 due to financial problems in my family and since that age have only been around family oriented people and learn to pay bills etc.

 

[miata90]

Originally Posted by diana3 /img/forum/go_quote.gif For the past three weeks, I have been dating an older guy. He's three years older then me. I know it doesn't seem much, but I'm 17, and he's 20. So it's not exactly "legal" , lol.I'm usually not intimidated by guys, but by him I really am. He's really attractive and i guess that's where my insecurities show. At a lot of times there's akward silences because I try too hard to say the "perfect" thing, but sometimes I guess I just can't think of the right thing to say.

When he kisses me, I always hold back because I don't think I'm too good or "experienced" as he is.

I really want to get over my insecurities and show him the real person that I am, but i can't.

I go to school, and he usually has work. hes a trainer at my gym, so we kind of have to meet outside of the gym.

when he calls or texts me, i usually say stupid things that are not like what i would usually say.

how the heck am i suppose to surpass my insecurities? :/

I am a guy and a high school teacher and you sound very insecure and if he is 20 this is a problem on two fronts. One depending on the state it could be a legal problem for him. and two you are not really happy.If you feel so much discomfort then maybe this is not the time for you to be with someone older. Your very young and have lots of time to enjoy life and find relationships that are with in your comfort zone. A sole mate is someone that you talk to and you might say something stupid and you both can laugh about it

If doesn't feel right move on. Life will get better.

Seek a path never wondered and your life will never be squandered.