Daughter dad drama alert

[msleesh]

Ok, so I have a daughter from a previous relationship. She is 8 years old and loves her dad although he is a screw up. He's a mama's boy so my daughter has gotten to be very close with her grandma on that side. Long story short, I have primary custody of her, when she goes to "visit with her dad" she's with her grandma a majority of that weekend. So now her grandma is feeding her stories that when she turns 13 she can go live with her dad, i've tried repeatedly and over again to try and have a conversation with her dad. But it's like every single time I bring up something that involves my daughter's well being, he completely flips the script and starts out "well what about you, this, that blah blah blah" I mean we should be able to talk about our daughter like civil adults, right? Why do I feel that I am the only adult in this situation? Why doesn't he let go of things from the past and concentrate on her right now, in the present?? I'm really just frustrated with him, I don't talk to him unless I have to because there is no talking with him. Even when that happens, nothing ever gets resolved.

I guess I'm just looking for some input, suggestions, venting. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

 

[imonabhaute]

Be fair, don't be a spiteful liar like him, and be as nice and honest with your daughter as possible.   Enough broken promises and lies coming to a head will show her his true colors.  You just want to be the best you can possibly be so that she sees how good you are and how you stood above the mudslinging for her.  It won't be soon by any means, but it will definitely be worth it.

It's going to suck for your daughter getting her heart broken repeatedly, but just do the best you can to pick up the pieces with her(without trashing him).  Make as many positive memories as possible with her and she'll see, maybe even as young as she is, what her dad is.

 

[zadidoll]

Unfortunately, having dealt with my eldest daughter's dead beat biological father all I'll say is eventually so long as you keep things cordial you're daughter will eventually see through the BS. Mine is almost 18 and she now realizes they're nothing more than a bunch of liars.

 

[divadoll]

At 8, she's still at the age where she believes in Santa and the Tooth Fairy.   She will eventually realize that what he and the gramma are saying are all just smoke and mirror lies.  I'm also certain that her dad is not going to agree to the fulltime responsibility of a teenager!..maybe when she becomes a teen, you may want her to go to her dad /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> 

 

[msleesh]

Originally Posted by imonabhaute /img/forum/go_quote.gif

Be fair, don't be a spiteful liar like him, and be as nice and honest with your daughter as possible.   Enough broken promises and lies coming to a head will show her his true colors.  You just want to be the best you can possibly be so that she sees how good you are and how you stood above the mudslinging for her.  It won't be soon by any means, but it will definitely be worth it.

It's going to suck for your daughter getting her heart broken repeatedly, but just do the best you can to pick up the pieces with her(without trashing him).  Make as many positive memories as possible with her and she'll see, maybe even as young as she is, what her dad is.

Thank you for reassuring me with this. I've always thought the same and it sucks that things take time, but I know and feel that eventually she will see that. I don't ever trash him, in fact I don't even like talking about him because just the thought of him angers me. I don't have anything nice to say so I don't say nothing at all. I hate to see her upset by the people who are supposed to love her the most, but like you said I will be there with her to help her get through it. I didn't have a mom growing up, but I've been in her shoes so I know how she feels and it breaks my heart to know her emotions.

 

[msleesh]

Originally Posted by zadidoll /img/forum/go_quote.gif

Unfortunately, having dealt with my eldest daughter's dead beat biological father all I'll say is eventually so long as you keep things cordial you're daughter will eventually see through the BS. Mine is almost 18 and she now realizes they're nothing more than a bunch of liars.

Patience is a virtue huh? /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> I'm glad to know I'm not the only mommy in this situation, thank you for your input.

 

[msleesh]

Originally Posted by divadoll /img/forum/go_quote.gif

At 8, she's still at the age where she believes in Santa and the Tooth Fairy.   She will eventually realize that what he and the gramma are saying are all just smoke and mirror lies.  I'm also certain that her dad is not going to agree to the fulltime responsibility of a teenager!..maybe when she becomes a teen, you may want her to go to her dad /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" /> 

I can respect if she made that decision, but where he lives and my hometown, there is nothing there but drugs and alcohol for young kids to get into easily. I just worry that if she makes the decision to go live with her dad, that she'll end up like him and his family. I don't want that. But like you said, maybe he won't want the full responsibility of a female teenager. Let's hope for her best interest he doesn't. By then, we will be living away from these troubled towns and I will have her enrolled into sports or extracurricular activites she'll enjoy. whew, raising kids is tough. lol.

 

[Baberanza]

Not to say I was in this exact situation per say, but I was like your daughter and always wanted to believe he (my dad) could change, see him often, etc. That lasted until I was about 13 and saw and could understand that he wasn't gonna shape up. My mom took me away from him so I would have a better life and I thank God every day for giving her the strength to do so. So in your response to YOUR response to zadidoll, YES, patience is a virtue. Your daughter will realize this stuff when she's old enough to appreciate that mommy runs her around and gives her security while daddy gives false hope and lies. Just be there for her. =)

 

[msleesh]

Thank you /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />

 

[Adrienne]

This sounds exactly like a situation my husband's neice has always been in.  Growing up her mother has always had primary custody but she was always encouraged to spend time with her dad's family (my in laws.)  Well, it never failed that every weekend, for years, when she came to the house she would be dropped off at grandma's and left there to watch tv all day.  My in laws are much older and are way beyond raising children age so even playing with grandbabies is tiring. 

Eventually, when my neice was about 5-6 she stopped coming and my in laws tried to blame the mom.  The mom had to talk with my mother in law and explained that she always encourages her daughter to go spend time with the family but she doesn't want to.  The mom quit asking after her daughter answered back, "Am I going to be stuck at grandma's house again?" very innocently.  Now, the mom is GREAT. She always stays on top of her children, she has two, when it comes to anything.  My neice, who is now going on 11,  is extremely smart and school motivated, involved in extracurricular programs, a very sweet girl.  I've talked with her and I can tell she's used to been let down by her father.  I've spoken with her mother and she doesn't talk ill about my brother in law in front of their daughter bc she wants her to make up her own mind. 

My neice's mother had her own mom as a good example bc she was in the same situation growing up.  I guess my best advice is patience, patience, patience.  Children are not dumb and do come to lean on those who have always been there for them.  Parenting should never be a mom vs dad.  Unfortunately not everyone gets that memo.

 

[msleesh]

Wow, she learned that at a very young age! I wish it were that simple for me. If I even mention for my daughter not to go on a weekend that she's scheduled to be with him, he throws court right in my face before I even get to explain why. I'm just like whooooooa. Calm down buddy. We just recently went through child custody court and that's how we ended up with the situation we have right now. He's just very difficult and can't solve issues on his own. I don't bash him at all. I mean I do know what he's like and the things he's done and they are way worse than what I've ever done. But there really is no use for using that against him or bringing it up to him, you know? I mean that's the reason we went our separate ways. I don't bring it up because I feel that I've already dealt with it.

I really appreciate you all for sharing your stories with me and more importantly I am glad to hear that it worked out for the best interest of the innocent child involved. This will definitely be my patience tester to show me that it will pay off in the end.

Originally Posted by Adrienne /img/forum/go_quote.gif

This sounds exactly like a situation my husband's neice has always been in.  Growing up her mother has always had primary custody but she was always encouraged to spend time with her dad's family (my in laws.)  Well, it never failed that every weekend, for years, when she came to the house she would be dropped off at grandma's and left there to watch tv all day.  My in laws are much older and are way beyond raising children age so even playing with grandbabies is tiring. 

Eventually, when my neice was about 5-6 she stopped coming and my in laws tried to blame the mom.  The mom had to talk with my mother in law and explained that she always encourages her daughter to go spend time with the family but she doesn't want to.  The mom quit asking after her daughter answered back, "Am I going to be stuck at grandma's house again?" very innocently.  Now, the mom is GREAT. She always stays on top of her children, she has two, when it comes to anything.  My neice, who is now going on 11,  is extremely smart and school motivated, involved in extracurricular programs, a very sweet girl.  I've talked with her and I can tell she's used to been let down by her father.  I've spoken with her mother and she doesn't talk ill about my brother in law in front of their daughter bc she wants her to make up her own mind. 

My neice's mother had her own mom as a good example bc she was in the same situation growing up.  I guess my best advice is patience, patience, patience.  Children are not dumb and do come to lean on those who have always been there for them.  Parenting should never be a mom vs dad.  Unfortunately not everyone gets that memo.