discipline

[Jennifer]

my mom works 8:30 AM until 11:30 PM 5 days a week and i have a 13-year-old sister. because my mom's barely around, i have to be the parent during the week when she works.

my sister walks all over me, thinking i was born yesterday. when i found out 2 weeks ago she had a test in social studies, i asked her why she didn't study. she began to tell me she did at her friend's house (yeah, okay) and it's open notes. i've taken plenty of open notes tests, so it wasn't a surprise, but she sucks at lying and i invented most of the excuses she gave me. i told her i wanted a note from her teacher letting me know it was open notes and finally, 2 weeks later, she got a note from her teacher.

i was in the kitchen making dinner and she comes up to me and she's like, " here's the note. by the way, i lied about it being open notes, but in the letter, my teacher says i'm doing better in class!" i guess she expected to be like, "oh, wow, it's okay! great job!" no, i'm sorry.

i told her she better get a book in her hand. i don't care if there's no test within the next week, but she better be studying/reading SOMETHING. i told her no TV for the rest of the night. it's 8:50 now and she usually goes to sleep at 11, so if she comes in the room to sleep anytime soon, i'm gonna point out it's way too eary to go to sleep, and tell her to keep studying. i'm also gonna add in i'm not stupid.

now she's sitting in the living room (i'm in my room) and i feel bad, even though i shouldn't. she doesn't have the best grades, either, but i know she's capable. every time i walk into there, she looks at me with this sad, puppy look

it's time like these when i think about what's gonna happen when i have kids. i think they'll walk all over me because i have such a soft heart and can't stand to see them sit there!

those of you with kids or younger siblings in the same position as me, do you always feel like i do when it's time to discipline them?

 

[bonbon412]

Originally Posted by Jennifer my mom works 8:30 AM until 11:30 PM 5 days a week and i have a 13-year-old sister. because my mom's barely around, i have to be the parent during the week when she works.
my sister walks all over me, thinking i was born yesterday. when i found out 2 weeks ago she had a test in social studies, i asked her why she didn't study. she began to tell me she did at her friend's house (yeah, okay) and it's open notes. i've taken plenty of open notes tests, so it wasn't a surprise, but she sucks at lying and i invented most of the excuses she gave me. i told her i wanted a note from her teacher letting me know it was open notes and finally, 2 weeks later, she got a note from her teacher.

i was in the kitchen making dinner and she comes up to me and she's like, " here's the note. by the way, i lied about it being open notes, but in the letter, my teacher says i'm doing better in class!" i guess she expected to be like, "oh, wow, it's okay! great job!" no, i'm sorry.

i told her she better get a book in her hand. i don't care if there's no test within the next week, but she better be studying/reading SOMETHING. i told her no TV for the rest of the night. it's 8:50 now and she usually goes to sleep at 11, so if she comes in the room to sleep anytime soon, i'm gonna point out it's way too eary to go to sleep, and tell her to keep studying. i'm also gonna add in i'm not stupid.

now she's sitting in the living room (i'm in my room) and i feel bad, even though i shouldn't. she doesn't have the best grades, either, but i know she's capable. every time i walk into there, she looks at me with this sad, puppy look

it's time like these when i think about what's gonna happen when i have kids. i think they'll walk all over me because i have such a soft heart and can't stand to see them sit there!

those of you with kids or younger siblings in the same position as me, do you always feel like i do when it's time to discipline them?

You've just gotta be firm and stand your ground. Then she won't try to walk all over you.I teach kindergarten (1st year) and the first couple weeks of school, it was "Aaawwww he's so cute, it's OK that he broke her crayons/ran down the hall/hit someone else." I'd say no recess and then let them play when they looked so sad and kept asking to play. Yeah those kids had me wrapped around their little fingers for 2 months because I screwed up for a couple weeks. Next year, believe me, it's gonna be strict and firm from the first day so I don'to spend several months trying to fix things!

She's lucky that she has you to help her out, just let her know that you're trying to do what's best for her. Good luck!

 

[Geek2]

I think it's great that you have adopted the mother role with your sister. Based on your story I would assume that the reason she is challenging you is because you are not her mother and because she is a teenager. She might be very hurt and sad inside that your mom is not around more. She is obviously working those hours to make it better for all of you but it still doesn't change the fact that your sister needs her mom around more. You might want to sit down with her and have a heart to heart talk about how she feels about being a 13-year old, what's bothering her etc. Explain to her why you are always checking on her studies. Make sure she understands that you really do care for her and you are trying to help her so that she can have a better future and it starts from getting your homework done and studying for tests. I would also explain to her that you aren't trying to replace your mom's spot you are there to support her and help her the best you can since your mom can't be there even though she wishes she could. I think it would also help if your mom would sit down (if she hasn't already) with her and tell her that she needs your sister to listen to you while she is gone because both of you want to make sure that she is ok and not falling behind at school. I would try a different approach with her about being more like the big sister than the mom and remembering how you were when you were 13 and talk to her about it.

Based on your story I think you will make a great parent someday. I wouldn't worry about the discipline that much. It will come once you have your own kids. Just keep doing what you have with your sister! There is a lot of books written about parenting that you can read up on once you are a parent if you are interested to help you work through with feelings of being a first-time mom. Our child's pediatrician is the best in the country (Dr. William Sears) and I'm truly grateful for him for his guidance and advise with our child. He is a great advocate of attachment parenting and so am I after how it's worked with our child and I've seen the difference between him and the other kids like Dr. Sears said I would. As a parent you need to follow your heart and do what you think is best for your child and you. Luckily attachment parenting was it for me and my husband.

Good luck with your sister! Someday you will be able to say that you made a difference in her life although it might not seem like that now but your little sister will realize that too someday. She is very lucky to have you as the big sister! Keep up the good work!

 

[NYAngel98]

Great advice Reija!

 

[Jennifer]

thanks, bonbon and reija!

reija, my mom and i have both had talks with her, but we'll tell her she can't do something and then let her do it, anyway, but not this time. when i didn't give into her last night, i think she realized i wasn't playing around anymore. we'll see how she does from now on.

by the way, i saw your doc on dr. phil, reija. you're very lucky

thanks again!

 

[Geek2]

That's great you didn't give into her! Good job. Yeah Dr. Bob was on Dr. Phil not too long ago. Dr. Bob is actually Dr. William Sears' son. He has 2 sons who practice with him, Dr. Bob and Dr. Jim. Both are wonderful. We see the dad himself for all Cameron's well visits and then Dr. Bob or Dr. Jim for urgent visits. Their office is wonderful too. All the staff is so nice and caring. We are very lucky to have Dr. Sears' take care of our son.

 

[Jennifer]

Originally Posted by Reija(admin) That's great you didn't give into her! Good job. Yeah Dr. Bob was on Dr. Phil not too long ago. Dr. Bob is actually Dr. William Sears' son. He has 2 sons who practice with him, Dr. Bob and Dr. Jim. Both are wonderful. We see the dad himself for all Cameron's well visits and then Dr. Bob or Dr. Jim for urgent visits. Their office is wonderful too. All the staff is so nice and caring. We are very lucky to have Dr. Sears' take care of our son. you really are lucky! if they're on dr. phil, you know they're good

 

[Jennifer]

Originally Posted by Naturally WOW Jennifer ...I admire you for taking on that job ...it's hard! Even being the Mom it's hard! I feel for your Mom also ..because I'm sure she's aching and not being able to be around for the both of you ...especially at such a critical age ...the teens (your sister)! But you will both do well and look back later on ...hopefully with admiration for what your Mom had to sacrifice for the both of you! thanks

i definitely see how much my mom does for us. i'm grateful i have a mother like her.


Originally Posted by Naturally Set up a schedule ..if you can get one of those plastic calendar sheets where you can wipe it off and write again and again! Set aside a time for each activity ..and know that things happen and that even the best schedules may sway from time to time ...as long as things get done that need to be done! we've tried this before, but it didn't work. i'll try it again!

Originally Posted by Naturally Now ...sleep ..staying up until 11pm isn't always the best either ..young minds need rest ..maybe set the time back to 10 ..if she can't go to sleep then have her read until she does get sleepy, I let Krystin do that (my 9 year old). actually, there's 4 kids in my family (including me) and we've never had bedtimes. my parents have always been cool about things like that. they don't really think it matters, so it doesn't sound too great starting now, you know? that's never an issue, though, but thanks for the suggestion!

Originally Posted by Naturally Also ..ditto what Reija said too! Have a chat with her ...a heart to heart ..she might not see it or understand it yet ..but she will ...and most important ...show her ..and your Mom ..that you love them both ...GREATLY! Especiall your Mom ..tell her CONSTANTLY that you love her and appreciate what she is doing for both you gals! She's (Mom) is lucky to have you both ..and your sister is lucky to have you for a sister! You'll make a great parent! thank you so much!
thanks for replying