How Do I Get Thru This?

[Kookie-for-COCO]

It is no secret that I do not particularly like holidays. It seems that everything really painful in my life has happened close or on a holiday. I need to get this out......where do I begin? Twenty six years ago, my best friend Joyce and I discovered we were pregnant. We were 30 and neither thrilled-her baby was due in January and mine in February. And in January beautiful brown-eyed, dark haired, shy Andrea was born to Joyce. In Feb. beautiful blue-eyed, blonde, extroverted Ashley was born. The girls were like sisters from the beginning-same interests-learned to walk together-talk together-Andrea was the brighter of the two-but Ashley was so much fun!!! The girls went from Kindergarten thru High school together. They were college roomates. From first kiss, sneaking cigs, to proms-everything was together. Andrea was like my own and since Joyce and I worked together it was easy to pick them both up-take them places together. After graduating college, Ashley began teaching school and Andrea who was in Business worked at a large Bank in the next city. Life was good. In 2006 Joyce was diagnosed with cervical cancer and was gone within six months. I held Andrea as she cried and told me she couldn't live without her mama. After that Andrea became more mine. She was at my house more than her own--her dad worked a lot-and ol' Ashley was always around with a funny story. Andrea seemed pre-occupied and I look back now and wonder what she knew. She found her dad a wonderful lady to date, introduced them and even went on the first date with them. (Smile, she said;"I rode in the back seat." She was a little tempermental and I noticed a few times that she would be talking with someone she had an unsettled argument with. She had broken up with a young man that I thought she would marry. In October, she and Ashley were having pizza and Ashley ask Andrea if she would ever want Brandon to know how she still felt. Andrea answered that if anything happened to her-please tell Brandon she really loved him. I began to get "that feeling"-uneasy-something is coming" but you can't isolate it. On December 19, 2006 Andrea was getting ready for work-always a stickler and so beautiful she wanted to wear her gold peep-toed shoes. They were here, she came and got them. I said to her to be careful-it was Christmas and lots of traffic--she was at the door-threw back her head and said,"Damn I look good!" I answered,Yes Baby you do--especially in those gold peep toed shoes.....Seven o'clock the call came. Ashley answered and I watched her face turn the whitest of white. I knew and said, She's allright??? Ashley simply shook her head no and kept talking. I don't remember anything after that. That was when the numbness began-no tears-nothing-just numb. I had to take care of my daughter. She was in a state of shock, and then there was Andrea's dad-how to help him? Go on "auto-pilot" I thought--I will awaken later from this nightmare. I did not awaken--I will stop now--read Part 2--it hurts too much to write at once.

 

[KellyB]

Aww Perye. That broke my heart. . The first anniversary is the most difficult. I'm so sorry that you are having to think about this but having suffered a lot of loss in the past decade I truly know how hard those anniversaries are. The holidays are the toughest especially when its' so close to the date. I can't say anything else except my heart is with you and I hope you find some peace with your memories. She was beautiful.

 

[Kookie-for-COCO]

Part One did not come up--trying to find it. That will explain better--hold on.

 

[S. Lisa Smith]

I was typing this when Perye posted the above.

I got a PM from Perye and there was a first part that she tried to upload and evidently it didn't, thats why it's Cont'd. Perye, you know that we are here for you and really care for you!

 

[Aquilah]

Oh sweetie! I'm so very sorry! We all grieve differently, and within time, you will. My grandmother passed away two years ago, and I just now mourned her when we buried John's grandfather. Just know, we're all here for you!

 

[Kookie-for-COCO]

Andrea is gone. I could not cry-still haven't. I had to do what needed to be done. I called Eddie (Andrea's dad and Joyce's Husband) and said what do you need. He said he needed me to go get her things off of the side of the road. The Jeep had been picked up and Andrea was taken care of but the Jeep had rolled with her and her things were everywhere. I got a bag and went to the accident site. It was raining a cold rain. I started with her glasses, broken-she only wore them to drive anyway--I'm still ok. Her Juicy Coutoure purse, (so her-starting to hurt), Juicy perfume, MP-3 player, cell phone, cd case, (God things were everuwhere!!). Kept looking did not want to leave Andrea's things in the rain. Christmas gifts, a large hoop earring, her blouse soaked with blood that had been cut off of her while they tried to save her, and then I saw one gold peep-toe shoe. I was screaming inside-I heard it-it wouldn't come out. No tears. I needed to find the other shoe--there it was--I think I had everything--left none of Andrea's things in the rain. Brought them home. Ashley and her dad were sitting on the couch and Ashley was comforting him--he was the only one who could cry. I thought what a strange dream I am having. I have to go on-things to be taken care of. Helped her dad make funeral arrangements--chose her something to wear-her things not that funeral stuff and then her make-up--that was a problem. She was a real stickler-always perfect. Her dad said, he didn't want her to look like she was gone-I said that I had her make-case and would do it. (Still on auto-pilot). He almost smiled. I did her face-eye shadow-she would say: blend, blend, blend. Beautiful long lashes-her face was flawless. Her Beautician did her hair, I polished those long red nails and Andrea looked like she was asleep. I was comforted. Went thru wake, funeral, remember nothing-took care of Ashley. Nick, her now husband was there too -thank God. I just remember sitting. That's all. Everything was over. I went to Joyce and Eddies house and washed her clothes in the hamper-too much for her dad. My work was down. And for a year, I have thought of her-the stop light was 15 minutes before the accident-what did she think about? Her little hands looked like they had fought the steering wheel--did she know? Tiny little hands. She had ran off the road, wasn't wearing a seat belt, the jeep rolled-she was ejected and it rolled over her. She felt nothing--did she? Was she afraid? Did she know? And now-still no tears--thouoghts of her every day--and that scream is still inside. Won't come out. I am flooded with memories-especially -I know what is coming--December 19th.

 

[Aquilah]

Perye, if I dare ask. What exactly happened? I understand it was a fatal car accident, but was anyone else involved, or was it just Andrea's vehicle involved? If it's too painful to answer, I totally understand.

 

[S. Lisa Smith]

That is so sad. Talking about it is the best medicine! As I said before, we are here for you!!!

 

[Buffychristenso]

You are in our prayers.

The first year anniversary is the hardest. Help is on the way.

 

[pinksugar]

Perye, I have no words. I am so sorry for this difficult time you've been through and your loss. There is nothing I can say that doesn't sound trite and fake, so all I will say is that I'm deeply sorry.

 

[Kathy]

Peyre, I am so terribly sorry. I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling. I know this year will be difficult for you. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. And if you need anything you know we're here for you and you can pm me anytime!

 

[farris2]

I am so sorry this happened! I hope that getting it out here will help you heal.You know we are all here for you.