How do women do it!!!!?????

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Since I have become a mother, my BF has not forced me to work because he alone can money wise take care of everything. But in july i turned 25, and basically the light bulb turned on persay. There is no guarantee that BF will always be around whether it be death or breaking up... its a fact he wont always. i am a mom, so that means no matter what goes down i have tobe able to take care of the boys and myself regardless of anything that might come up. AND to top it all off i think i am having like some sort of realization, discontent w/ myself or something... because yet again i am 25, w/ 2 kids, and have not accomplished a damn thing for myself except for having 2 kids and a realtionship that lasted longer then any previous one i have had... but nothing that ALL my own... so i tell bf that i need a job, not only because the extra could help w/ our new and highly expensive house, but i need ins for my health, and what if he left me or i left him.... how could i take care of me! the answer is currently I CANT! i have zero w/o him... sayng that SUX MAJOR A$$ because till him i took care of me.

so anyways we are talking about it and listen to what he says to me:

1- you can never have a steady job, because if kids get sick, its me who has to get off work and eventually that could lead to me getting fired.

2- i CANT work days... because he isnt paying for someone else to take care of our kids that he DOESNT KNOW.

3- I wont make enough money because i havent worked in going on 4 years, plus i am a drop out!

and let me tell you girls... i just wanted to start crying because not only was all this more then likely TRU but to realize that after alll these years i have put into a realtionship/family and kno that @ the end of everyday i cant even depend on the guy who said he would DO anything & be there for me ... and the fact that he will not take any responsilbilities for his own kids past paying the bills.!

how? why? how? how do you working moms survive ?

 
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I am not bashing your man or whatever, but that is complete bullshit!!! i work now,and have been working for a week, i do it part time, for some of the same reasons as you, cause you never know when It comes to men. And on top of that, I did it before i got married, at one point working three jobs and going to school.

You can find a job working a shift opposite of his, like if he works 7am-3pm, you find something working 5 pm till 9 or 10pm.

That way, if daycare is an excuse, he can deal with the kids.

You can find a decent job making decent money, especially at retail considering the fact that it is time for Chirstmas, and where I work pays starting at 9.50 and that is with no sales experience (Dillard's). If you ever wanna talk more in detail, LMK
*BIG HUGS* and dont worry about the mess that he is talking!!


 
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Great advice Aprill! I don't want to bash your bf either, but I would be appalled at my husband if he showed me that lack of support!!

I am not a mom, so I can't speak from personal experience, but I can tell you about my birth mom and what she went through! It's a little more extreme than your situation, but it does show how strong women, especially mothers, can be!

She was married to horrible man, who last I heard was now in jail for manslaughter after he and his prostitute sister beat some poor guy to death over a drug deal gone wrong. Finally, she got the courage to leave him, and when she did, she was much the same as your worse case scenario: on her own with no job and with a 5 year old child to support (my little sister).

Well, she had no support from family either, so she hauled herself to a women's shelter. They ended up having to go to a few different shelters and was at the last one for close to a year before she finally got on her feet. This was a woman how was dependent on the men in her life for about 20 years. First my dad, then a BF who beat her for 9 years, and then her deadbeat husband.

She felt so lost and it was such a struggle, but she did it! Accepting charity for everything she and my sister needed, from the bed they slept in down to the brush they brushed their hair with. It was a humbling, but also embarrassing situation for her, but she fought through it! Thinking about it as I type this right now brings tears to my eyes. She is a STRONG woman, and an amazing mother!

My sister will be 11 in october and 5 years have passed since our mom went out into the world with her little hand in hers. She now works as a facilities coordinator at the very same shelter she called home for close to a year. Every day, she helps women who are in the situation she was in, and she is constantly bearing witness to women finding out they can stand of their own two feet and support their children without a man!

So no, I'm not a mom, so maybe I'm not the best person to give advice. But if my mom can go out into the world and carve a life for her and my sister, I'm positive you can go out there and get a job to ensure you never find yourself in a situation like hers!!

Good Luck!! I hope we see a "I got a job!" thread very soon!


 
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Hmm... why not start small? Like working from home?

There are legit companies out there who do that.

Or... if your husband wont let a stranger take care of the kids - do the opposite.

I've seen plenty of ads on craigslist of moms who are willing to babysit at their home - to be with their kids and earn extra cash watching someone else's kids.

 
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well first off ... i know 100 % my bf is d**K and never really supportive of what i want or feel i need.. he always has been like this... that i can handle. or atleast until I get fed up! LMAO

and thank you so much for the suggestions and your story Kee, reading that makes me believe more in me. maybe thats all this is .. is just doing and being ME ya know! but literally doesnt it take a toll on ya'll when you work so much, have kids to take care of... i mean where do you get the strength to just do it, shut up and be happy... where does that come from... maybe im making more of it then it should/really be... but for me at this moment its just like OMG where and how to begin! LMAO also i have been chatting w/ only a 2 yr and 4 yr old for the last couple of years and bf... but no one else... maybe im just scared... HELL I DUNNO.. thanks for replying ladies... and thank you for reading my rant!

*** edited to add... he only wants me working night shift... and really i am not too kosher w/ that idea... cuz see i trust no one.. and that would just open up a book of #### that im not sure i want opened ya know....

 
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My mom was a stay at home mom. She was married in the 60's so that whole "you need to get married and have kids..." mentality was still very much popular and im sure it still is. Anyways at the age of like 50 my mom had to get her first job in like 20 yrs because my dad turned into a total loser and didnt help out. My point is that i think women should have their own jobs and money because you need to know that if something happens you can pick yourself up and move on.

 
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I'm sorry that you had to listen to that. You would be amazed at what you could and would do if you had no choice. Right now you do, but maybe he doesn't want you to work because he wants you to depend on him. Maybe he IS worried that if you can take care of yourself that you won't need him. It's still no excuse. When it comes down to it you have to do what is best for you and your kids. We always want our marriages/relationships to work but the reality is that they may not and our children will always be our children. He should be encouraging you to do what will make you feel happy, complete and whole even if it is inconvenient at times.

 
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Originally Posted by kelly1965rn /img/forum/go_quote.gif I'm sorry that you had to listen to that. You would be amazed at what you could and would do if you had no choice. Right now you do, but maybe he doesn't want you to work because he wants you to depend on him. Maybe he IS worried that if you can take care of yourself that you won't need him. It's still no excuse. When it comes down to it you have to do what is best for you and your kids. We always want our marriages/relationships to work but the reality is that they may not and our children will always be our children. He should be encouraging you to do what will make you feel happy, complete and whole even if it is inconvenient at times. you said that excellently!!
 
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tru that...... ! see this why i love MUTTERS! mut rocks!

 
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I was a single parent for about 3 years before John and I met, and even still it was another 2 years before he moved in with me. While it wasn't easy, I made it work. Luckily, I could work extra hours to make up for time I missed, and I've always landed in a job where "family comes first."

Also, while working nights sucks, sometimes that's what it takes to make sure the kids can be taken care of for a less expensive charge. Or, put an ad out for a reliable college student? There are child care centers in Augusta who don't charge an arm & a leg, and I believe some even have sliding scales for fees.

Elise, I have full confidence that you can make it work. If need be, there's always the child care assistance the state of Georgia offers. Even if it only pays 50% of child care costs, you saved (what they'll cover varies). I'll have to hop on Yahoo so we can chat


 
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You know what girl....You could do anything you put your mind too. I am very impressed with your foresight when it comes to depending on a man. You are absolutely right that you should be able to support yourself and your kids with or without him. Besides...everyone feels better about themselves when they work, contribute and have THEIR OWN $$$ in their pocket.

I say look around for a part time job, maybe just a few hours a week. It doesn't matter what you make, start small. If he is so worried about Day Care, he shouldn't mind watching the kids while you are out working. And if he doesn't believe in you....So What! He's probably just afraid...men are like that.

I too came from a household where my Mom didn't work. Well, when her and my Dad divorced she had ZERO skills, no HS diploma...nothing. So...she married another guy who didn't want her to work....another divorce. Now she is in her 40's, still has no skills and no kids to take care of. She is miserable, plus she hasn't worked enough to even get social security when she's older.

 
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I am not a mother, but I have known many people who have the same thing going down -- and this is just my opinion. Number one, your bf is being a huge ass. Number two, you can't work days? He doesn't want to pay for someone he doesn't know to watch his kids? Well, that person can come and hang out, talk to you a while, you check their references, etc. What does he think will happen when the kids go to school? They will be in the care of someone else, so he is only putting off the inevitable.

Listen, you may be a high school drop out, but my mother is too. She dropped out at 14 and is now 36 and doing well. "Not enough money" is BS because who is to say what is enough and what is not? Money is money, and any little bit helps.

What it comes down to is that this is not about what he wants or doesn't want, it's about taking care of your responsibilities which is first and foremost going to be your children. You make sacrifices to provide for yourself and the one's you love. If he can't see that, then that is a shame.

You will do it if you really want to. You just have to have the courage to do it and you will. If you don't believe in yourself, other people have a hard time doing it. My mom didn't work from the time that she was 26 until she was in her forties, she didn't have a car (my dad voluntarily repossessed it), and she managed. She never thought she could. If she could do it, I'm almost 100% sure that you can.

Good luck, hon.

 
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It's not fair that he's not letting you work. Maybe you could work a part time evening shift a few times a week to start with? That way he'll always be home with the kids while you're out and it'll give him some time to understand that you need to work.

 
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You need to talk to Dental Dee on this forum She is one gutsy lady that beat the odds. Ya'll sound like you are made of the same strong stuff. Look for her or PM her--she's great, she's been there and will give you some good advice.

 
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well ladies.. as last night i put in 2 apps in the mall...Bf is on vacation all this week coming up. so one of those days im going to find a JOB... or atleast im gonna attempt it..

and yea, i definately dont want to start working at age 40... thats just way too long of putting my own goals aside for kids, guy, for whomever! thank yall for all the encouraging responses.... now lets pray i can actually find a decent night job.. hey if anything ill the strip clubs and see if i can waitress... LMAO! oh god that would be hillarious!

 
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I think Kelly said it very well.

Also, you could ask your bf why he thinks YOU should be the one to stay home with the kids each time they are sick? Can't you share the responsibility?

He should be happy you want to work. What if he got laid off, or sick or whatever, wouldn't it be good to have an extra income?

Personally, I couldn't deal with being dependent on another person financially. I need to know I can take care of myself, should something happen to my marriage.

Best of luck to you! I hope you get a great job!

 
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Originally Posted by rlise /img/forum/go_quote.gif well first off ... i know 100 % my bf is d**K and never really supportive of what i want or feel i need.. he always has been like this... that i can handle. or atleast until I get fed up! LMAO
and thank you so much for the suggestions and your story Kee, reading that makes me believe more in me. maybe thats all this is .. is just doing and being ME ya know! but literally doesnt it take a toll on ya'll when you work so much, have kids to take care of... i mean where do you get the strength to just do it, shut up and be happy... where does that come from... maybe im making more of it then it should/really be... but for me at this moment its just like OMG where and how to begin! LMAO also i have been chatting w/ only a 2 yr and 4 yr old for the last couple of years and bf... but no one else... maybe im just scared... HELL I DUNNO.. thanks for replying ladies... and thank you for reading my rant!

*** edited to add... he only wants me working night shift... and really i am not too kosher w/ that idea... cuz see i trust no one.. and that would just open up a book of #### that im not sure i want opened ya know....

at least he's cool with you being out during th night...some guys wouldn't want that because they think "Oh at night you'll go off to see some other man"
 

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