I'm in a bit of a dilemma

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Hi everyone,

I'm stuck in a bit of a dilemma and thought maybe some of you might be able to help me make a decision.

So, to cut a long story short, when I was 12 years old, there was a girl in my class who had VERY long, brightly polished fingernails. I had never seen nails that long on ANYBODY before, let alone anyone my age, and I became utterly intrigued by them. One day I asked her, "why are your nails so long?" and her reply was "because it just feels nice". Her response only made me more curious. After a few weeks, I actually found myself getting jealous of her nails. Even though I knew that boys weren't "supposed" to have long nails, I really wanted to grow my own nails out as long as hers, just to find out what exactly felt so "nice" about it.

One day I went home from school and bluntly asked my mom if she would allow me to grow my nails long. She mockingly laughed at me and said "don't be silly, boys aren't supposed to have long nails". I remember feeling sad, disappointed and confused by the double standard. Why was it okay for girls to grow, polish and make their nails look nice, but not for boys? I just couldn't wrap my head around the reasoning.

After that I gave up on the idea for a couple of years, but still became jealous whenever I noticed girls at my school with even moderately long, polished, pretty looking fingernails.

When I reached the rebellious age of 15, I started just letting my nails grow out as long as I could get away with before eventually a parent, teacher or classmate would shame me into cutting them. After that I tried just growing the pinky nails, so it would be less noticeable. I managed to grow them quite long one time, after about two months of not cutting them. When my parents were out I had so much fun filing and polishing them with my mom's nail polishes. Finally I began to get a glimpse into what the girl in my class meant when she said that it "just felt nice". Still, I longed for the day where I could grow all 10 nails out, without shame, as long as I liked.

One day my mom came home early and caught me with baby pink polished, fairly long nails. She went apeshit at me, telling me how disappointing it was to have a gay son. The thing is, I wasn't and never have been attracted to males. I've always been into girls. I tried to explain that to her but she didn't believe me. How could a straight young man possibly enjoy growing, taking care of and polishing his nails, especially "girly" colours like baby pink?

For years she was convinced I was gay, until eventually I met my current fiance, five years ago, who I have lived with for four years now. Unsurprisingly she's had long, natural, well manicured nails since the day I met her. It was what grabbed my attention about her in the first place, and I struck up a conversation by telling her "Wow, I love your nails. They're so beautiful! One thing led to another and we ended up becoming a couple.

So my dilemma is this: I'm supposed to be marrying her next year but she still has no idea that I have an overwhelming, profound passion for growing, manicuring and polishing my nails too. I've just never been able to pluck up the courage it tell her, out of fear she'll no longer find me manly or attractive, and won't want to be with me anymore. So I've suppressed that part of me since I met her. The worst thing is, whenever I watch her doing her nails, which is often, I get so, so envious. I'm half tempted to just stop cutting my nails, and see if she makes any negative comments about how long they are getting . If she doesn't, then maybe next I could start filing them in front of her, and let them grow even longer. If I still get no negative reactions, then maybe I would gradually start polishing them with subtle colours, or applying nail hardener, to see if she says anything then. Or I could just sit her down, be upfront about it and tell her "look, I have absolutely love growing, polishing and generally making my nails look beautiful, and what society would consider "feminine", is that a problem for you? There's a possibility she might even be totally fine with it, and that would be beyond perfect. Finally I'd be able to freely grow, file, manicure and polish my nails out in the open, like I've longed to do since I was 12 years old, without being judged, shamed or made to feel like a terrible person for it, and we could even do each others nails! I would love that so much.

On the other hand, she might be totally put off by it, and change her mind about marrying me. I don't know what to do!

I love her so much and don't want to lose her, but at the same time can I really spend the rest of my life with somebody who won't accept me for who I really am?

Sorry for the lengthy rant, but I'd appreciate any advice!

Thanks
 

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