JOKES thread!

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Don't get this joke...!!!
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Laura explain it again...I want laugh to

Originally Posted by Laura WARNING: its kinda dirty!
(say the last sentence out loud but make sure nobody is around!)

A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling

her hand: "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mum.

"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!"

Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her

a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.

"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she whined.

"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent,

"_Whatever made you think that cider would ease your pain?"

"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in

her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider"

 
Hahahahahahahah way to go JAnett so tru poem
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Originally Posted by NYAngel98 A poem for girls...
I shave my legs,

I sit down to pee.

And I can justify any shopping spree.

Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon.

I can get a massage without a hard-on.

I can balance the checkbook,

I can pump my own gas.

Can talk to my friends, about the size of my ass.

My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long.

At least I can admit, to others when I'm wrong.

I don't drive in circles, at any cost.

And I don't have a problem, admitting I'm lost.

I never forget,an important date.

You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late.

I don't watch movies, with lots of gore.

Don't need instant replay, to remember the score.

I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch.

And just cause I'm assertive, Don't call me a witch.

Don't say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her.

In your dreams, my dear, I can do better!

Flowers are okay,

But jewelry's best.

Look at me you idiot...

Not at my chest????

I don't have a problem,

With Expressing my feelings.

I know when you're lying,

You look at the ceiling.

DON'T call me a GIRL ,

a BABE or a CHICK .

I am a WOMAN.

Get it?, you PRICK!?!
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Originally Posted by Miranhat Don't get this joke...!!!
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Laura explain it again...I want laugh to the funny part is what you're actually saying in the last sentence... "when she gets a prick in her hand ... she can't wait to get it in cider.." (Can't wait to get it IN-SIDE-HER... get it?) like if she has a guys *u know what* in her hand... she cant wait to get it inside her...
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Little bit of a 'play on words' there LOL
 
51 Days

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"

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One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

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Thanks Janet Now I got it..
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Originally Posted by NYAngel98 the funny part is what you're actually saying in the last sentence... "when she gets a prick in her hand ... she can't wait to get it in cider.." (Can't wait to get it IN-SIDE-HER... get it?) like if she has a guys *u know what* in her hand... she cant wait to get it inside her...
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Little bit of a 'play on words' there LOL
 
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy

leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the clerk "What's with that guy over

there by the wall?

The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this

morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't

find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire

bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat

a cough with a laxative!"

"Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

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APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless

accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and

current medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________

2. HEIGHT ____________________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______

G.P.A.______

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK______________________________________________ ______

5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP _________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE

parent?___________________________

If No., EXPLAIN __________________________________________________ _

7. Number of years your parents have been married

____________________________

8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A

waterbed? _______ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly

button ring? A tattoo_________________

(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises )

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to

you?____________________

__________________________________________________ _____________________

10. In 50 words or lest, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to

you?

__________________________________________________ _______________________

__________________________________________________ _____________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE" mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ___________________

12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend

__________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and

priest/rabbi/minister? __________

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers

are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)

a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is

________

B) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my

________________

c) A woman's place is in the

________________________________________

d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is

_____________

e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her Is

( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave

premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine

fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?

__________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT

TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,

NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE,

RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

________________________________________

Signature( That means your name, moron)

Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six years for

processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do

not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause

you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by

two gentlemen weaning white ties and carrying violin cases (You might

want to watch your back)

 
Only In America
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Only in America.....can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well. 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

All that sais...It's still the greatest country in the world...Yeah Baby! Yeah!!

 
Originally Posted by Tony(admin) ____________________________8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? _YES_ A

waterbed? _______ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly

button ring? A tattoo_________________

(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises )

That's cute T! Guess Leo would've failed on Question #8!!! LOL
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Originally Posted by charms23 Crack Spackle! LOL! They should have that for plumbers I don't want to see their crack
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I know...that's nasty !!! LOL

 
One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing.

The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks.

So the little boy left it at that.

A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and this time he asks, "Are you making fish sticks again?"

The parents both reply yes.

The boy remarks, "Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth."
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BATHROOM SEX

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work

when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties

and ravaged her.

He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more

than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he

noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was

the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't

hurt yourself did you?"

His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out

of my ass." OUCH!!
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Tarzan And Jane

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.

She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree"!

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.

" She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees first!" ... LOL

 
SMALL PENIS

Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"I think my penis is too small" he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

"Well, Lager" he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, It shrinks things those Lagers.

You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big

smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks

him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.

"No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"LOL

 

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