Kee's Mom Rant

[SqueeKee]

At some point you just have to distance yourself from abusive people, right? Well I'm at the end of my rope with my adoptive mother. After a lifetime of emotional abuse and constant mind games, I've just had it.

In the most recent years I have been trying to accept her for who she is and love her anyway and try not to let the things she does get to me. But honestly, it's getting hard.

If I had to list all the ways that woman has messed with my head, I'd write a book, so I can't put it all here . . . but the mind games are just too much for me to take anymore.

I mean, this is the woman who is friendly with the man who sexually abused me for years!! FRIENDLY!

Last week she had a family reunion/bbq and didn't even invite me or my husband. She did make a point of calling me afterwards to tell me how wonderful it was though.

The other day she called and was very friendly on the phone. Immediately I knew something was up. She told me she put together some linens and curtains for me and that her and dad would be coming to visit today.

Silly me, I was thinking that maybe she felt sorry for not inviting us.

So today I got up at 4am and started to clean my house top to bottom. And then I started to get dinner ready. I wanted everything to be perfect, because once again I stupidly though that maybe for once in my life I could please my mother.

But no. That would be asking to much.

Do you know why she was so friendly on the phone? Because she wanted me to babysit my nephew today. First of all, this nephew doesn't need babysitting. He has a mother. But MY mother wants to steal him away from her just like she manipulated the situation when I was a child so she would end up raising me.

Anyway, I asked her if she was sure my nephew wanted to come stay with us, because he wasn't very happy here the last time he visited, and he told my niece that it was way too boring. She said oh ya, he don't mind.

Then she calls back 10 minutes later and informs me that NO he wouldn't be coming in. So I ask when I could expect them so I could have dinner timed right, and she said "Oh well, I don't think we'll have the time to drop by today".

WTF.

My husband is so supportive, he knows what I've been through because of this woman and he just wanted me to "gently" cut off contact with her. I tried! I ignored her calls all last week but eventually gave in because I felt guilty.

But she's such an unhealthy aspect of my life . . . I'm so disappointed yet again. What a shitty day.

 

[Andi]

Ugh, I feel you. My mom is the best mom ever, but she´s not happy with my dad, and after years and years she´s still not strong enough to dicorce him.

My dad is emotionally abusive, to me, my mom and sometimes my younger brother. But he has no idea. I have told him numerous times what comments he made hurt me (things like "You´re stupid" and "Don´t come running to me when your plans for your life go wrong" and "you´re nothing without me"). It just constantly destroyed the self esteem I could slowly build by getting my education and doing well in college and stuff.

For me it´s almost impossible right now to cut him off because I still wanna see my mom and brother so when I go home I´ll just have to stand him.

What sucks is that he has his nice times and tells me he´s proud of me (he never did this until I enrolled in med school, which he always wanted) and then next day he comes home from work all pissed off and he´s like get me this and do that. And if make a tiny mistake or don´t do it fast enoug he´ll make me feel like I´m a worthless piece of shi**.

I envy everybody who has parents that always treated them right and helped build your self confidence and the ability to stand on your own feat, instead of destroying all that.

I think it´s the best idea to cut people like this out of your life, even if they are family. I love my family, and deep inside I love my dad and I will always wish for his acceptance.

But I have finally come to the solution that I need to start to be egoistic in a way to protect myself. I don´t need to strive for acceptance anymore since I will never fully get it from him anyway.

Done with my rant, sorry for hijacking your thread, Kee! It´s awesome that Wes is beings so supportive. Shawn is doing the same for me. Sometimes you need an "outsider" to tell you that even people you love can be pure poison for you. Shawn always tells me he´d love to beat my dad up for all the pain he has caused me in my life LOL

 

[SqueeKee]

S'ok, I don't mind

Poisonous . . . what a perfect word! I remember people telling me when I was a kid that one day I would grow up and understand my mom. What a load of crap that is! I grew up alright, and now that I'm grown I can see that she is and always has been an abusive person to everyone around her!

If only I could distance myself from her without feeling guilty!

 

[Solimar]

I have an idea what you are going through, since my dad is the same as your mom. He is an abusive person, and you know what? To be a parent is a privilege, and your mom seems to have shot that title straight into the depths of hell. Honestly, your mom may or may not change, but don't stick around to find out. If she really wants to make amends, she can find ways to do it. All actions have consequences, give her what she deserves. She doesn't deserve you as a daughter, and she doesn't deserve the kindness from you.

Once you finally do it, if you decide to cut her off, I'm sure you'll be happier. Plus, when someone is gone from your life, especially the abusive, hurtful people, you aren't even able to tell they were there.

I do not miss my dad for one second, I don't think about him, and I have forgotten I ever had one. I am a MUCH happier person because of it.

Anyway, I'm sorry you had a shitty day.

Feel better <33

 

[Andi]

Originally Posted by Kee /img/forum/go_quote.gif S'ok, I don't mind

Poisonous . . . what a perfect word! I remember people telling me when I was a kid that one day I would grow up and understand my mom. What a load of crap that is! I grew up alright, and now that I'm grown I can see that she is and always has been an abusive person to everyone around her!

If only I could distance myself from her without feeling guilty!

I always heard the same from my mom. She was defending him because she didn´t want us to get distant from him so she was always like "You gotta understand him. He had a horrible childhood, he lost his father as a kid and they were dirt poor. Nobody elver helped him". Yada yada.
I always said a bad childhood is a reason, but not a fu**ing excuse! Treat others how you wanna be treated!

(that´s why I don´t feel sorry for him when he gets his emotional moments and complains about me being so "*****y" towards him. Poor thing lol).

 

[SqueeKee]

Thanks Solimar.

I don't think she would ever understand though, she's way too wrapped up in herself. The *minute* anyone suggests she did something wrong, regardless who it is or what it's about, she goes off on a holier-than-thou speech. She doesn't get it, I don't think she never will.

You know, one day when I was really upset about my mom, my dad took me aside and said "Megan (He's always called me by my middle name, unless he was angry. When I heard "Keely" I knew I was in trouble! /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />), your mom has been that way her whole life. She hasn't changed for me, she certainly isn't going to change for you, so just ignore her, that's what I do".

He really made me feel better, and sometimes, like today, I think I have to remember those words and just not let her get to me.

 

[Sheikah]

Aww Kee sorry to read that, but you have a wonderful husband that wants to make you feel great. Maybe you can do something fun together today...

Hope you feel better.

 

[SqueeKee]

That's what I'm hoping to do actually. It's 1pm and I've been up since 4am, so I think I might make us some popcorn, hop into some PJs and watch a few movies. Yes, that's our idea of fun

Perfect day for me actually . . . PJs, junk food, my hubby, a bed and a good movie

 

[Andi]

Originally Posted by Kee /img/forum/go_quote.gif Thanks Solimar.

I don't think she would ever understand though, she's way too wrapped up in herself. The *minute* anyone suggests she did something wrong, regardless who it is or what it's about, she goes off on a holier-than-thou speech. She doesn't get it, I don't think she never will.

You know, one day when I was really upset about my mom, my dad took me aside and said "Megan (He's always called me by my middle name, unless he was angry. When I heard "Keely" I knew I was in trouble! /emoticons/[email protected] 2x" width="20" height="20" />), your mom has been that way her whole life. She hasn't changed for me, she certainly isn't going to change for you, so just ignore her, that's what I do".

He really made me feel better, and sometimes, like today, I think I have to remember those words and just not let her get to me.

OMG my dad is the exact same way. You suggest he´s not perfect but he´s like "Well what do you want? I think I did everything right. You have everything you wan, right?"
And my mom said the same thing about my dad as I got older. She had given up hope that he will ever change and she told me I should give up that hope as well or I will always get hurt again and again. That´s probably the bet advice she ever gave me.

 

[Karen_B]

I hate when people excuse bad and abusive behaviour with "oh, but you must have understanding, they had it rough when they were young" and the like.

There is a poem by a Finnish writer called Marta Tikkanen. It is a wife telling how she sees her husband sitting across her from the table, getting drunk, and talking about how awful his parents were to him, how they never cared for him, how they never supported him. The poem ends with wife saying "And all the while I am wondering if you remember/that your children have a father, too." (This is translated off the top of my head, so it mightn't be 100% correct, but you get the idea.)

Kee: I sort of agree that you must accept that your mother will always be a manipulative person, but that's not to say you must put up with her abuse. By accepting who she is, you can free yourself from her. No more getting up at 4 in the morning to clean your house to impress her, no more energy draining conversations, etc. Because you know what she is like and that she will never change, you can make the decision to not be in contact with her anymore. I think you have done a great thing by acknowledging to yourself that SHE is the problem here and not you. You don't need that kind of abuse.

 

[SqueeKee]

Originally Posted by Karen_B /img/forum/go_quote.gif I hate when people excuse bad and abusive behaviour with "oh, but you must have understanding, they had it rough when they were young" and the like. yes, and I also hate that whole "You're just a kid so you dont' know anything" attitude. I wonder how many kids have to go through abuse because the people around them just protect the parents!

 

[Solimar]

My mother used to excuse my dad's bad behavior by saying that my dad had it rough when he was young. Not only is that not so, but even then, you should make an effort to not be that way.

However, it is a sad but true fact that if one of your parents was an abuser, you are more likely to be an abuser yourself. Some people are the exception to the rule, but "some" is the key word. Most people would think that because a person was abused, they wouldn't abuse their kids. I don't know why people still think that, because it is not the case at all.

 

[Savvy_lover]

i m sory shes like that also shes only the mom that adopted u . so i wouldnt mind cutting her off completely u have only one life and u l see her in heaven if shes worth it so no need to be with her so often when ur still in this fussy world

 

[Nox]

I'm sorry Kee. That is really shitty. I used to be stuck in that cycle (maybe I still am a little bit), but then I up and moved 2000 miles away. That really sent a message. Now my parents rarely direct negativity towards me because I'll just find a quick excuse to get off the phone, and that'll be the end of that conversation. For the most part, I've learned not to let them have a chance to do it. I do not discuss certain topics on the phone, I keep it superficial, except in exceptional circumstances.

Don't harden your heart Kee, but do make yourself less vulnerable to sliding like that for your mother. You will be much happier that way when you have some personal boundaries in place. She will not have as many opportunities to make you feel so bad.

 

[SqueeKee]

Well, thankfully I'll be moving 1500 miles away again soon. Life was much more peaceful for me when I was in Toronto, I can't wait to get back!

 

[daer0n]

My mom sorta had an abusive side too, but also a really bad childhood. At times i could understand her but some other times i couldn't, she would always hurt our feelings without regreting it, and sometimes i felt like i hated her so much i wanted her dead.

After years of her always calling me stupid and how bad of a daughter i was because i never listened to her, how bad she made me feel when i got pregnant and how she didnt want me to have the baby and all that, ( cause if i keep going i might hijack the thread too lol ) i understood that she was the one that wasnt happy with herself and the person she had grown to be was totally a result of who she wanted to be, having shitty parents doesnt mean that you're gonna grow up to be one of them too, it's up to you to change and make a difference and be a good parent when you have your own kids, nobody makes you make bad desicions you're the one that makes them because YOU want to.

I understand how you both feel, and i think that if these people, regardless of who they are, are making your life misserable you should cut them off, if not for good at least for a time, we shouldnt be living a miserable life because of others, i dont think that is the natural state of human beings, we should be happy, you don't have to put up with sh!t no matter who it comes from, if your mom doesn't feel guilt about talking to the person who abused you and on top of that be friendly with them, i think you shouldn't feel guilt for cutting her off your life, after all, think of this, whatever you do won't please her, and don't try, please yourself first, does she care if you feel hurt because she is friendly to the person who sexually abused you? No.

Well you do not need a person like that in your life at all, there is no purpose to it other than just torturing yourself and getting hurt, and angry, and making yourself feel as if you weren't good enough in life, when you know you are.

It's really up to us to make healthy decisions when it comes to life, you have your other family who seems to care about you and love you, your husband who is supportive and loves you as well, why do you need unhealthy people for in your life, be happy Kee, they should be part of the past, focus on your present and the future that you want to have, you are the only one who can make your life change

*hugs*

 

[SqueeKee]

Thanks Nury

There are so many ways that she really likes to cut into my heart. Like talking about my abuser in conversations as if it's normal, just how I'll react.

How can I love someone who is so cruel?

Parent/Child relationships sure are messed up.

 

[daer0n]

You don't have to love her, and you don't have to feel guilty for not loving her, its completely understandable. Parents in the first place shouldnt be cruel to their own children, no matter if they are adopted, that isnt an excuse. They should respect them, love them, cherish them, adore them, protect them, value them and acknowledge them.

Parent/Child relationships don't have to be messed up.

What she does to you goes beyond emotional abuse, she feels in power when she does that, and that is because she probably had the same kind of treatment from someone in her life as a child, if you let her keep doing this to you, the abuse, emotional one, which is said to be worse than physicall, will continue for the rest of your life, don't let her do that to you, know that you are worth more than that, you deserve best, show it to her by not letting her treat you like that, you have put up with too much already throughout your whole life, it's time for you to live your own life, and have a happy one, you deserve it Kee, you aren't like her, you are a good woman, you have to believe it, i know it

 

[KellyB]

Kee: You most assuredly will never change your mom's behavior, you can only change how you react to it. I know easier said than done. The fact that you have a loving and supportive husband is such a gift. Toxic people suck the life out of us. It's exhausting and draining trying to please the unpleasable. You love someone who is so cruel to you because that's human nature. My daughter was molested by her father when she was 16 (we were never married). About a year after it happened she told me that she had been talking to him on the phone. I could not understand why she wanted to talk with someone who had shattered her so badly. I could get very psycho-babbly here but I'll spare you. She wanted his love and acceptance. She kept on in the deepest hopes that he would one day say to her "I'm sorry, I was wrong"....so she kept the lines of communication going with him until one day he DID say to her those words more or less. She never contacts him now. She just needed to hear it....I think.....because even though she knew she did nothing to deserve it, he is her father and she had to know that he knew it was him and not her. I know it's not the same situation, just an example of parental betrayal and how one person dealt with it and you feel as if your mother betrays you....with good reason. We expect, and rightly so, our mothers to be our protectors....THE one person who doesn't let us down. Your mother still friendly with your abuser wouldn't convey that feeling and when she makes you feel used, like today, it hurts more. It just hurts...................................The bottom line is that you are entitled to feel the way you do. Physical distance probably will help......but don't blame yourself for how you feel. You love her because she's your mom. It is what it is. I know people writing to you on a bulletin board doesn't change anything, but you do have support and people who understand. Unfortunately, too many people that understand. Anyway, My thoughts are with you.

 

[SqueeKee]

You know what really messes me up about her? She literally manipulated her way into raising me. Why would she fight so hard to keep someone she treated so badly?

I mean, I think of all the times she said things like:

"My God, you're some ugly my child, I don't know where you came from to have a face like that"

"You're some scrawny my dear, it's UGLY!"

"How come all your friends have boyfriends and you don't? What's wrong with you that no want wants anything to do with you"

and the list goes on and on and one . . .

Plus, she's ALWAYS putting my grandfather's side of the family down. (My birth mother is actually her niece btw.)

Once when I was a kid I got mad at her for calling me stupid, and called her "aunt". She slapped me so hard across the face and scared the living daylights out of me.

Damn, the more I think of it the more I dislike her. Maybe if I did this more I could actually find the courage to cut her out of my life for good. But then, I really don't like to dwell on all of that at all!